Are you tolerating a sexless marriage? Sex is a normal, natural part of every marriage and as such, persistent, on-going differences in levels of sexual desire between spouses is frequently an indicator of bigger issues. Sometimes, the lack of sexual desire has a gradual onset and in others, it’s present from the very beginning. Either way, it’s time to find out the real cause.
I’m starting a new series today and would like to introduce you to Lisa Wynn who’s been divorced now for over two years. Lisa struggled with a sexless marriage for over twenty years. In her mid-forties she couldn’t stand it any longer and chose to end the marriage. She knew that getting divorced was going to be difficult but she had no idea it would be quite the hell it was. There aren’t many women I speak to who say that so that should give you some warning of what’s to come.
Lisa has three children, a daughter and two sons who were aged twenty-one, eighteen and sixteen at the time. She was forty-three when she ended the marriage. Here’s Lisa:
We’re ten years apart. He was my best friend’s brother and I always had a crush on him, but I was too young. I was seventeen, he was twenty-five. We ran into each other a little bit later in life and after three months of dating, he asked me to marry him and I was like “I don’t know.”
My parents were like, “Oh, yes, he’s a Christian man. This is from God. You need to do it,”
They pushed me. I was too young and I just went with it but I wasn’t really excited about it. I let my mom plan my wedding, and I think looking back, I was not ready at all. So I went ahead and got married to him.
“I think he’s changed his mind.”
I remember hiding with the phone in the closet, he was sleeping. She said,
“What are you talking about honey?”
I said, “He hasn’t touched me since our honeymoon, it’s been three weeks.”
She said “What?”
I said “Nothing. He doesn’t even kiss me goodnight.”
She said “No, you’re exaggerating.”
I said “No, something’s wrong.”
This crap went on for twenty years. He would be somewhat okay for a month or two maybe, and then he wouldn’t touch me for two years. Wouldn’t kiss me goodnight. I could kiss him and he’d kiss me back, so we got along in every way, but there was something violently wrong with him sexually.
We did not have sex before we were married, because we were good little Christian kids and that’s bad and blah blah blah. Although we had both had sex with other people, we just decided at that point, we were going to keep it good, so I didn’t know there was anything.
So this went on, I’m like “can you come to counseling?” “No no no no, no.” So I went by myself for six years. I thought something was wrong with me.
I did the extreme dieting, I got breast implants, I did botox, I hired personal trainers, I did everything. Nothing.
He had gone on medication and gotten depressed, we’d gone to the doctor, we’d had his testosterone levels tested, he got testosterone shots, he’s had the patch, nothing. He’s just not interested. He can perform, he just doesn’t want to. So it wasn’t even an impotency thing, it was in your head thing. So I said to him, “Were you abused, are you gay?” “No, no, no, God no.”
“Is there something wrong? Do you not love me?”
I remember being on my knees, begging him, saying.
“This is abusive. This is not what I signed up for. You’re supposed to honor and cherish your wife, that’s what you promised. You’re not doing this.”
I would be sobbing and he would close his eyes and put his arm over his eyes and fall asleep while I was talking. Literally, he’d start twitching and snoring, and so I thought at ten years, I couldn’t handle it anymore and I told him I wanted a separation and he refused to leave, refused counseling. Finally he left for a week, and then he wrote me a letter, which I still have,
“I’m sorry I haven’t been the father I’m supposed to be, and the husband. I’ve really checked out and it’s my stuff, not yours. I’ve not been honorable to you.”
Things were good for a little while, like a year or two, kind of sort of, but not compared to normal couples’ intimacy. I just thought “okay, whatever” went to nursing school, had two more kids, raised my kids, I guess I had three by then, and everything was just whatever.
Then when you hit your early forties and your kids are kind of grown and gone, I just started thinking,
“I don’t want this. I see someone walking down the street holding hands or kissing in a movie and I am green with envy. What is that like to really be in love?”
You can’t nurture a relationship when there’s zero intimacy. He’d forget anniversaries, he’d forget birthdays, I’d have to ask him to hold my hand.
It was bad, but in every other way he was perfect, so it was really confusing to me.
The Divorce Coach Says
I generally try to avoid discussions about what are and are not “legitimate” reasons for divorce because only the spouses truly know what a marriage is like and even then they can have vastly different opinions. You could be the seemingly perfect couple to the outside world and things could be very wrong with your marriage. If lack of sex, is a problem for you, then that’s reason enough to try to get it resolved and if that isn’t possible, then you have to decide about staying in your marriage.
Lots of marriages do go through periods of no sex for any number of reasons but it’s different when frequency of sex is an issue right from the beginning. Nancy is another one of my guests whose husband was not interested in sex – she said he’d rather mow the grass. Suzy is another whose marriage lacked sexual intimacy from the the very beginning.
Talking with your spouse about the lack of sex may be very difficult – it could be a consequence of childhood abuse or shame about sexual identity and for that reason you should consider getting qualified professional help. You can do this either as a couple or individually. If your spouse refuses to participate, then that’s a major indicator that the situation is unlikely to change.
Photo credit: ElenahNeshcuet
I know marriage is a promise for life, but it’s not the same as a life sentence. No one deserves to be made miserable for the remainder of their life, and withholding emotional and physical affection amounts to neglect (a type of abuse, if involving one’s child). No one deserves to live without those things…
I agree – marriage is a promise for life but there has to be a common understanding of what underpins that promise. Sadly, I think you learn more about what to ask and talk about after you’ve made the commitment and you start realizing the real differences.
WOW! I never looked at it that way, like neglect towards ones child. As far as I am concerned, your statement has given me a sense of affirmation. Thank you Crmallon. And God bless.
Wow. I think I’d go absolutely insane. I crave intimacy. I love sex. There’s no way… Bless this woman for all that she went through.
So are we agreed that denial of desired intimacy is a form of abuse? I’m tempted to say I don’t know how Lisa tolerated this for so long except that when you have kids and you’re working full-time it’s easy to push the difficult issues aside to just focus on getting through the daily living.
We’ll I’D call it abuse. It happens a lot in marriages but it’s mostly the women who hold back sex. I just don’t think that’s fair at all.
I think there’s a big difference between withholding sex as a form of punishment or control and not being able to have sex. Read the next post and let me know what you think …
My wife refuses me all the time. I always shower before bed so I am clean. So I do not think its that. When trying to talk about it I am hit with denial!
The sad thing is that when you’re not getting any, you get used to it. Now that I’m sexually active again, I have no idea how I went without for three years!
Thank you Divorced Kat for sharing this – this is not an easy topic to talk about when you’re living in this situation and wondering what to do. My next interviewee was also in an essentially sexless marriage for a long time.
Three years, I dream of three years. My wife had her period on the wedding night 1987 (can’t help that) but then it got worse, once every couple of months for the first few years, There has been nothing this century, 34 years of virtual celibacy. Not a bad person other than sex, but I wish I never married her.
This is an interesting series. I don’t know if it’s abuse … it feels like it should be — the withholding of needs (physical, psychological) when they’ve been expressed feels like it’s abuse to me.
I don’t know that I would term it abuse – doing that makes me feel like I’m trying to appease those who feel divorce is only acceptable when there is abuse. I do think such a dramatic mismatch in needs means that you are incompatible and what bothers me most about this is that presumably he knew that this would be an issue going into the marriage. That just seems wrong and hurtful.
After my recent divorce at age 40 due to a sexless marriage I have come to realize that I actually prefer solo sex and am not interested in being married again. There is blame both ways to what caused our marriage to become sexless and won’t take the time to explain it all here but I would rather spend my time working on me and being with my daughter than going back on the market. There are many advantages to solo sex (guaranteed satisfaction, no melodrama, no relationship baggage, no diseases, no financial strain, etc). I feel much more comfortable and at peace now. Friends and co-workers tell me, ironically I am the happiest person they know.
I do know others who have consciously chosen to live a single life and are very happy with their decision even though I think our culture is still very much a “couples” culture and the solo decision causes raised eyebrows and questions like, “What’s wrong with you?”
After four years, I am ready to start dating although I will never be “on the market.” The term is loaded with innuendo about property, ownership, possession etc
thanks for the reply and the best of luck to you. I didn’t mean to get you worked up on the term “market” I just meant going back out on the dating scene..is that better? As for me, I am of an age now where I don’t worry so much about what people think of me. I can now truly start living my own life. People will always be critical no matter what decisions are made.
You are right – can’t please everyone all the time so work on pleasing yourself, right!
I know how you feel married 48 years no sex for 7. And it’s hard to stay married but we have a long time together. Now cry and now I’m mad he won’t talk about it
I have a sexless marriage. It’s been on again and off again. For a while it was his way of “controlling” me. Then after a particularly bad, sexless year I discovered he was using his ED meds to “get aroused” (His words!) at a local strip club. He used 4 prescriptions of 4 pills to “make friends” (again his words) at a strip club over the period of 1 year! And he still can’t understand why saying he’s sorry once doesn’t make me want to forgive what he did! I’m just waiting for my last child to finish high school – 13 more months and counting…
I’ve been in therapy now for 3 years to understand why I married him and why I have put up with him. The therapist says he’s trying to avoid intimacy at any cost!
get out now. f that guy, dont waste another second, life is short
I’m a 44-year-old male and married to a woman five years older than me. She looks great and even goes through a lot of effort to look young showing off her breasts in the blouses she uses. Sadly, she won’t make love saying she is too tired, has no desire, and getting old for the whole thing. Before marriage it was almost everyday, after marriage it was once a week or so and then it got worse. It’s been near 18 years; we have a 16-year-old son; and she spends most of her free time with her mother. I go out on walks downtown in the city I live as my wife uses that time for our son or her mom: Saturdays is mother’s day and Sunday’s is our son’s day. Right now I am broken inside. It’s now to once a month, if I can get her to give in. I wish dearly that someone would want me, it’s not just the idea of intercourse, but the chance to feel loved and desired and someone open to receive what I have to offer. It feels like a prison. I’ve brought up the issue with my wife, but she says I’m obsessed and need to drop it. I’ve tried getting into shape –I look ten years younger; I get up early and help clean the house, not complaining when she would rather go with her mother instead of accompanying me somewhere or doing something together, I even cut short my personal hobbies in the evenings and go to bed early so as not to disrupt her sleep so she can be rested in the morning. Night sex is so out of the question, and the morning as been depressingly sporadic and sometimes it feels like she isn’t there anyway. I find myself attracted to other women, looking at them, desiring them. I look at couples touching, making out, enjoying each others’ company with their looks of love. I’m driven to tears often when alone, and I fight them back when I realize how miserable I feel when taking those walks alone. I have trouble with resentment, with not hating my wife, I want out but I get scared for my son and the commitment I made. I feel guilty because I chose to marry her and got her into this. I wish I could simply walk away.
Dear Marvin,
To be blunt, it sounds like your wife is making excuses and isn’t telling you the real reason she doesn’t want to be intimate with you.
You have a decision to make – do you want to continue living your life like this or do you want to make a change. Making that decision and figuring out your options is a process but since you’re feeling anger and resentment it really is time to face reality. If you don’t you’ll end up behaving in ways that will hurt each other more and harm your child. You say you feel guilty because you chose to marry her and you got her into this marriage, however, she also chose to be with you and she’s is choosing how to behave now.
If I was working with you as a coaching client, I would have you identify your top ten values and then have you identify what you see as your wife’s values. Experts say that relationships that are closely aligned on values have a greater likelihood of enduring so doing this exercise will help you evaluate how much common ground you and your wife have.
Helping people decide if divorce is the right decision is one aspect of my coaching services. I offer a free 30-minute consult, if you’re interested : https://sincemydivorce.com/contact/
Life is too short. Change or be miserable forever.
Sebastian – easy to say, often much, much harder to do.
We’re all headed along that same road called death, why fuss about the details, just go for it folks, no need for counseling or guru advice, when all else fails, only you have yourselves to blame. If it’s broke, fix it. If it can’t be fixed, replace it.
TELL HER TO GET OUT… Tell her she’s a terrible wife and you want her gone.
I’ve been through this. Right now your wife sees you as a little beta boy (crying on your walks alone) and she has NO RESPECT for you.
The second you act like an ALPHA MALE she will trip all over herself trying to please you.
IT WORKS! Now you’re probably asking (as any beta boy would) “but what if it doesn’t?”
Well, what do you have to lose?! Do you want to live like this forever?
Society told you women want sensitive men. It’s a lie. Women want STRONG men. Kick her to the curb and watch how quickly she unbuttons her blouse for YOU!
And another thing: quit cleaning the damn house. That’s her job.
You described my wife and our relationship. AWOL in the bed – once a month when she needs its and it’s boring. Only difference is that long ago I stop trying to please her and I stopped kissing her butt. If your wife hasn’t cheated yet, she will and she will say that it was your fault that she didn’t feel a “connection.” As we work through the divorce, she asks me for advice and help fixing up the house that she is getting in the settlement. My answer to her requests is “Sorry, I don’t put out either when I don’t feel a connection.”
Fact time. The wife is usually the cause since 46% of women are sexually dysfunctional. Sorry girls but if you are frigid, rigid and mean don’t complain if he cheats. You deserve it.
If a man cheats on a wife who has a normal libido then he’s a dog but if she is not fulfillng he marital obligations then it’s his duty to cheat and rub the ice cube’s nose in it. In fact a frigid wife should arrange for the husband dates with hot women. That’s true love.
This is why I got divorced at 33… I finally realized I was going to wake up one day and be 50 years old and still in a sexless marriage. It was the most frustrating thing to endure. I never signed up for a sexless marriage. That might be a fine arrangement for someone else, but not for me.
He wasn’t punishing me or anything like that. He just had ZERO libido, and I believe it’s due to sexual abuse as a child. Very, very sad.
Hi Divorced Kat – can I ask you an even more personal question? What was the sex like before you were married? Were you abstaining? Did you think things would change? Did you husband feel he had deceived you?
Sex was not normal before we married either. We were in therapy a year before we married. I definitely thought things would get better. We went from rarely being intimate to fully never. We were married three years, and two of those years we didn’t have sex even once. That first year, maybe just twice after the honeymoon.
So, he didn’t deceive me and I was probably naive that things would get fully back on track. But going from little or occasional intimacy to absolutely NONE was just more than I could bear.
I don’t understand. Women don’t care about sex at all. So why was this an issue for you as a woman?
With due respect John, women do care about sex. If that hasn’t been your experience then that would point to the relationships you’ve chosen to be in and the emotional intimacy of those relationships. I know that you didn’t ask for any suggestions but investing in some therapy may help you enrich your future relationships.
Nonsense.
This is the attitude used to justify marital rape. I have no respect to offer because this statement really doesn’t deserve any. If the woman with doesn’t care about sex your doing it wrong, your relationship stinks or she doesn’t like sex WITH YOU. Onesided sex at all costs to the woman, with a callous contemptuous controlling man who couldn’t careless isn’t going to do it for most women. When men think women don’t like sex they tend to act this way. It’s time to go. I’m the withholding wife and I left BECAUSE I like sex and I don’t think it has to be horrible or absent.
Aria – I agree with you – I’ve heard from plenty of women who enjoy sex and when there’s no sex, there’s always an underlying reason. the challenge is finding out that reason.
Aria
I agree with your statement and I am the one in a sexless marriage. I love my wife with everything in me. When I initiate sex, she acts as if I’m raping her. She tells me, she isn’t sexually attracted to me. Okay! Why not leave, or get a divorce? I’m not perfect in anyway. Her biggest problem with me is that I watch porn, and she just can’t get over that. So I stopped, and still nothing. We have a 18, and 5 year old. So I want to be there every day with my Children and my WIFE. I don’t know, she may feel the same way as you do, but you had the courage to leave. I tell her all of the time, if you don’t want to be with me just leave. This is torture, and hurts deeply. I don’t know if I like the pain but I can’t find it in me to leave my family. Depressed and confused…
Hi Black,
Would it help to look at ending your marriage from a different perspective? Could you see it less as leaving your family and more the path to creating a healthier environment for your children? An environment where you can be the best person you can be because you are free from the negative energy of your marriage? An environment where your children are free from the tension between you and your wife which they will sense even if you don’t argue in front of them?
This hit way too close to home. And it’s worse than breach of contract. It’s breaking a sacred covenant to deny your spouse.
Sunshine Jones – do you think your spouse knew at the time you married that the marriage would be sexless or do you think it was unintentional, perhaps them believing that things would be different if you were married? Can you share a little more about your situation – are you still married, married for how long, looking to divorce?
I don’t think he knew or still knows. Passive aggressive people will make you crazy and start doubting everything that’s normal. Bottom line it was unhealthy and I’m out and free to find someone that will be there for me emotionally and physically.
Yes – it is easy to start doubting yourself. Have fun searching for the love you deserve.
Nandy In 1981 It was not either of our intensions to liv in a sexless marriage HE told me that evening he came home I was not going to a dinner event I had been invited to or keep a promise to his father until I kept 31 years of broken promised to him He was as of that second the final and only judge and arbiter of what he was allowed in his house. I no longer had a say. HE first force the sex I had denied that evening then he hurt his fathers friend for telling him out of his way crip. MY husband was not letting somebody I considered a friend in the house. That friend was thrown off the deck face first into the drive.. In four years now if he’s not getting to do then I don’t either and he is willing to enforce his will in his house at gunpoint now.
In 2015 On Christmas day because he would not eat the nmeal he had provided in his workshop in the pole barn and come get seconds at our door he shoved his dinner plate in my face. Saying he was not some field hand to be told to come to the back door for the massas charity, It was his house, his food and his equipment and my snotty friends could find someplace else on Christmas since he was not invited to partake of the meal he had provided. On a day of peace on earth good will toward men we were staring down the barrel of a 30 30 as he’s telling everyone if they did not like his presence we were free to leave his home> IF he would just try and work with us instead of fly off the handle maybe his life would be as he wants..
Two marriages where this way.
I realize this is an old thread but I could write a book on this! I’m a 62 year old male, married for 39 years and she has been a withholder for the entire 39 years. The comment about knowing after the fact all the questions to ask before marriage really won’t make any difference in this situation. I asked ALL the right questions before marriage, got ALL the “right” answers and every one of those answers ultimately turned out to be untrue. We were both virgins and she was never sexually abused as a child. No sex before marriage (she didn’t believe in it and neither did I; both Christians). Before marriage she, on numerous occasions, made comments to the effect that she could hardly wait until we were married for sex. Big surprise; on our wedding night in the middle of things as soon as we got in bed, she was suddenly too tired! She rolled over, stiffened up and went to sleep. After several minutes more of holding, touching, kissing and trying to get her interested, I finally rolled over and cried myself to sleep. On that night I think I instinctively realized that I had probably just made the biggest mistake of my entire life. From the very start sex was never more than three times a month. After several months of this we had “the talk”. I begged he to tell me what was wrong but got nothing from her. She claimed she did not realize she was doing this. After this talk sex went from 2 or 3 times a month to 1 or 2 times a month; then she got pregnant. Nothing, absolutely nothing for the next 9 1/2 months; sex once and then nothing for the next 4 months. After more months of this another talk with the same results. Now things went from 1 or 2 times a month to once or less. My wife has always been “too”; too tired, too busy, it’s too late or it’s too early! Sunday through Thursday nights were out because she had to get up for work the next morning. Friday night was out because she was too tired. Saturday night was out because she needed to get up for church Sunday morning. Sunday afternoon was out because she always had to study for what ever class she was teaching at church on Sunday night. Saturday before 9:00AM was too early; by 9:30AM it was too late. “Mommy Dearest” would always call her at 9:AM on Saturday and yap on the phone for 30 minutes to an hour and that was after the Friday night phone call of 30 minutes to an hour. Funny thing about the nightly phone calls from “Mommy Dearest”; almost every night within 10 to 20 minutes after the ice cube would tell me she was too tired, roll over in bed and turn stiff as a week old dead body, Mommy Dearest would call and she would lay in bed and yap on the phone with her for 30 minutes to an hour. Phone hangs up and the dead body resumes room temperature! The only time the nightly phone calls ever stopped is when Mommy Dearest decided she wanted another grand-kid. As soon as manipulative wife verified she was pregnant this time there was absolutely nothing for one week shy of 11 months, sex once and then nothing for the next 6 months. See a pattern here? I only found out about Mommy Dearests hand in the pregnancy about a month after the fact. It seems she did some bragging about how she and conniving, manipulative daughter pulled the whole thing off. The person she bragged to came back and told me. There is no way they made this up as they knew far too many details. Early in our marriage we went to one of those Christian Marriage Enrichment seminars. You know; the kind where they put everyone up in a very nice hotel for the weekend and you go to all the various seminars to make your marriage better. Yeah, right! In one of these group meetings we were asked to take a sheet of paper and list all of the things we were involved in and all of our obligations. After everyone finished writing, the facilitator went around the room and read many of the papers. Most had a half dozen or so items and all listed their spouse. Then he got to my wife’s paper: both sides of the page filled and she began on a second sheet! This guy took one look at her paper and about flipped. First thing out of his mouth was “mam, there is no way you can possibly be involved in all of this”! Want to bet? Item by item she listed the day and time she had “scheduled” for everything. About half way through her list of times and dates he turned to me and asked, “how do you feel about all of this”? My only comment was, “isn’t it obvious that it really doesn’t matter how I feel about it”? He was totally dumfounded and my comment went right over my wife’s head! You see, I was nowhere on this long list of “her” obligations and commitments. For the first 20 years or so I lied to myself, buying into the B.S. lie that if a woman is frigid it must be the guy’s fault. I tried everything. For the first 20 years I did virtually all the house work, yard work, paying bills etc. in addition to taking care of the kids while my wife took one graduate class after another and volunteered for everything she could find at church and school. The only thing I refused to do is cook. She did cook, that is when ever it was not takeout and we ate allot of takeout junk. What I discovered is that the more I did at home the less she did and the more she volunteered for outside the home. It did absolutely nothing toward her making time for me. I was last on a never ending list. The constant anger toward everyone and everything, feelings of worthlessness, hurt, rejection and depression that others have expressed were all too familiar for the first 30+ years. The recent event that made news of the guy that emailed his wife a spread sheet of all the times she had rejected him and the excuses over a 7 week period brought all of this back up for me. Nine years ago I did something very similar. I wrote my wife a very long letter detailing much of her 30 year abuse of me. I left the letter and a video of an Oprah show with a young couple and Dr. Phil. This abusive, manipulative, withholding wife was much like mine and with a few exceptions. My wife had a little additional level of abuse she engaged in. All through the day, day after day, multiple times a week my wife would grab at me in a very sexually suggestive way or do other sexually suggestive things. If I tried to take her up on it the first thing out of her mouth was “Down boy, down; we don’t have time for that right now”!
Nathan51 – this is an old thread but it is still very active.
Reading your comment made me very sad. There’s so much pain and hurt and now anger. Why have you stayed in the marriage?
I have asked myself that same question many times. For years I stayed for my two kids. I also stayed because I work with other kids and I have seen too many of them messed up from divorce or a totally absent father. To our friends it would come as a complete shock that we live this way. Most that know us have always seen us as one of the most stable married couples they know. All of the kids I have ever worked with have had that same opinion. I guess more than anything I did not want to hurt or disappoint them in addition to my own kids so I just put up with it. In addition there is also the thing about “for better or worse”. After reading the blogs about the guy with the spreadsheet I have begun deliberately distancing myself from my wife. Over three weeks ago, when she was out of town on yet another of her church related conferences, I moved out of our bedroom of 39 years and into a spare bedroom. To date she has yet to even ask why. To me this speaks volumes about just how little she really cares. She verbally “says” “I love you” allot but to me her actions say something very different. As far as continuing with the status quo, I have begun considering my options.
Nathan51 – I think it’s very helpful to understand why you’ve stayed in the past but I do believe we all make the best decisions we’re capable of at the time. Your thinking is shifting now. If you’re looking for other resources, there’s my coaching program which has a complete track devoted to making the decision and one on preparing for divorce. It’s a monthly membership program and is very affordable. You can find the details at //mydivorcepal.com. All the different membership levels include a free consult.
There’s also my free audio program 5 Ways To Know If Divorce Is Right For You: //mydivorcepal.com/teleseminars/5-ways-to-know-if-divorce-is-right-for-you-registration/
Please let me know if I can support you.
Sorry to hear that. If kids are grown, you have to do what you have to do. Being together is good and all. But people will do what they want to do. So move on, find someone else and have lots of sex.
You are describing my life. I’m so cross with myself now. I’ve been so sad for so long. Learning to live alone in a marriage is so hard. The feeling of being loved but unwanted is difficult to describe, it is so damaging to your self esteem and mental well being. From the outside the world thinks were great, my wife seems oblivious and I’ve given up talking about it. I should have gone long ago but not in my nature. Sadly its a form of cowardice and I’m full at self loathing because of it. I knew from very early, even before we were married, but I was so very much in love. I still am in many ways but so unfulfilled physically it makes me deeply depressed. I never cheated despite many opportunities and sometimes, though it makes me feel guilty, I even resent myself for that. What a mess. And honestly I have no one to blame but me. After 1 year of marriage I knew we had an abnormal sex life and now after 20 plus years I can hardly look at self in the mirror. What a fool.
I am a 39 woman with almost 12 years of marriage and I also have a sexless marriage. I have lost track of how long we have gone without him touching him. I’ve had three crisis during these years asking him what was wrong. Our first 3 years were very difficult times because I never thought there were man with zero libido. My husband suffers from anxiety and I believe depression too which he is not getting help for. We have one ten year old daughter. I am in therapy at this time. have been going for 9 months. I feel very confused and sometimes I would like to end our marriage, but I am afraid of what the future might hold for me. Going through a divorce scares me, but on the other hand, I am one misserable woman. It has not been easy at all.
I meant “Without him touching me”. Sorry for the mistake.
For me, the big reason for your indecision is your uncertainty about the future. I would focus on this and what you can do to remove the unknowns. For example, if you’re worried about being able to support yourself financially, figure out your current budget and what a post-divorce budget might look like. Compare the two and then see where you’d need to save or if you would need to increase your income. Being scared of being alone or not being in another relationship is a different conversation.
What are you most unsure of?
I know this is an old thread, but I am here as well. We have been married for nearly 10 years, been together for 11. We had little in the way of a sex life from the beginning, but I was always taught that sex did not matter, love did and that sexual compatibility is not a high priority. The problem with that line of thinking is well,….look below at all of these unhappy people.
My husband is a nice guy, very good to me, that is what makes it so damned hard. He is not someone who “withholds sex to punish” me. Not at all. If he were like that, leaving would be easy for me. He has a low sex drive, but he likes my body and he compliments me all the time. He is 60, I am 41. He has done a lot for me, helped me in many ways, I was troubled, to say the least, when we met. I am very grateful to all that he has done for me.
The first five years, I was very calm and patient with him and asked him nicely to get help, after the year 5 mark, roughly, we would have three hour fights, ending in his agreeing to get help, but he never did. Anyway, last fall before I turned 41, something physically changed with me. My libido shot way up. I was in grad school in another country and my therapist suggested an open marriage until I figured out what I wanted to do. My husband suggested previous years for me to “step out” if I had to, I would refuse to do this. Now, after coming back, I live here alone, I have dated other men and am dating one now. My husband and I on this, it’s don’t ask, don’t tell.
I still love my husband, but love does not conquer all and it is not enough. When I see him, he tries in his passive way to put the moves on me and I am not interested, this was the case before I started dating, so it’s not that. I realize that I have become quite apathetic to my husband sexually.
I have been honest and done my best to treat him with dignity and respect. He is a great guy. he is now in counseling, but after so many years, I fear it may be too late. I want to have the motivation to save the marriage, I wish I did, but I am tired, very tired, and now I don’t.
This will upset him and all of our friends and loved ones. Everyone thinks that he and I will be together forever. I don’t see that for us. When I graduate and start working, I am going to separate from him.
Those getting married: MAKE SURE you are sexually compatible. If not, don’t get married no matter how much you love the person.
Thank you for sharing this – I totally agree – sexually compatibility is important and if there are problems, it’s important to talk about them openly and honestly and as soon as they occur. Like other problems such as money or decision-making, these problems don’t get better on their own and left unattended they will fester and become much more challenging, if not impossible to deal with.
Hi Kevin,
I think right now it’s important for you to focus on getting well. I think it’s almost impossible to work on a major health problem at the same time as working on your marriage – most people simply don’t have the capacity to do and by trying to do both, you won’t be successful with either. I would recommend that you tell your wife that this is what you have to do right now and ask her to be patient. While you’re working on your health, she can be working on herself. Once you’re well, then you can both determine if you are able to work on your marriage.
Hi Guest:
I’m sorry you were in this situation and I hope you’re doing well now. I’ve been in a sexless marriage since day 1. We are Christians and we chose not to have sex before marriage. When we were dating we would kiss, etc. and my husband would get excited so I didn’t think there was a problem. For all purposes he acted “normal.” Well, it began on the honeymoon. He could not consummate the marriage. After 5 and 1/2 long years of several counselors, it turns out that he has a sex addiction to masturbation AND an aversion to the female sex organ. He had been self gratifying for many years because of a terrible childhood. And he continued to do this after marriage. I’ve been patient and understanding with all of this but no one has been able to help. Counselors keep saying, “There are other ways to be intimate.” But when your husband’s desire template isn’t you, that is devastating. When I mentioned to him that I’d like to leave for awhile, he felt I’d be escaping. I just want to get away from the day in and day out of the trauma of it all. He is very good to me and loves me, but he should’ve told me this before marriage. He said he thought he could flip the switch from himself to me. Does that mean I have to stay in it? This could take years! I’m 57 and still have a lot of life in me. If I left he would be devastated but I feel I did not do this. I believe in God and am strong in my faith. But Christianity can sure put guilt trips on people that are suffering. We’ve tried consummating, but really have not fully consummated this marriage. I sure could use some advice.
Hi Frustrated,
You do not have to stay in the marriage. You don’t need anyone else’s approval or permission to choose to end the marriage. If you are ready to make that decision, then I would encourage you to think about a good divorce. You get to define that for yourself. Think about every aspect of the divorce and how you could work through that honoring your core values. Then talk to your husband about your decision and your hopes for a good divorce.
Hi Frustrated,
I’m so sorry to hear this about your marriage. I, too, have been in a “basically” sexless marriage. My wife thinks that because we have sex once every 3-6 months, sometimes less, that I shouldn’t be complaining. She says things like “sex is not like oxygen, you don’t have to have it to live”….among other things. We are also Christians and did not have sex before marriage. So my issue also started on our wedding night. We kissed and touched, but she simply WOULD NOT have sex with me. To be completely honest, we didn’t completely consummate the marriage for 3 days. The first several years I would constantly try to initiate sex. I “hated” the feeling of never knowing what kind of response I was going to get in return. I tried EVERYTHING! I tried doing all the things that she said she needed from me. We went to counseling, marriage seminars, etc, etc, etc. I would get SO FRUSTRATED at times when she would push me away and tell me things like “I’m tired and it’s time to go to sleep” or “stop bothering me” or “giving me the body language, little jerks or moves that immediately says…..NOT TONIGHT SO DON”T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT”, that I would have to get up out of bed and go for a 2 hour walk! I thought there was something wrong with ME. So, I actually wrote down all the things that she said she needed from me, things that she said were lacking in our relationship and that’s why she didn’t want sex. I literally went down the list, one by one, trying my best to do those things “from my heart”, just to please her. Let me be crystal clear. NONE of that worked! Please don’t take me wrong…….when my wife ‘does” have sex with me, at times, it’s absolutely amazing! BUT, there is simply not enough of it!! Even though she knows that one of my biggest needs is physical touch and intimacy she does nothing to make sure that my needs are taken care of. She is a wonderful mother to our kids, a perfect grandmother, and believe it or not, for the past several years has had a job where she helps couples that have had an affair. She sees first hand what sexual issues cause in a marriage, but it still has changed nothing in our own marriage.
Can I be blunt? So called “Christian Counselors” that tell you things like “There are other ways to be intimate” have never read their bible!!….and in my opinion, don’t have a CLUE what they are talking about. It’s not like your husband has been in an accident or something else that is out of your control. If that was the case, I think God would give you the grace and whatever else is needed to work through the situation. I have been married now for 43 years. I knew in the first 6 months of marriage that I had made a HUGE mistake but at the same time I thought that I could fix the problem. I also thought that when we got married, we got married for life, no matter what. I do believe that way too many people give up way too easily, but I have also found that there ARE some basic needs that we as humans have, and when your spouse knows those needs and does nothing to meet them, THAT can be a form of abuse!! They are basically saying that YOU are not worth loving enough to make some changes. We ALL have our shortcomings… but that’s NOT an excuse to not do our best.
I have gone through all the reasons not to leave and divorce. We had kids, then it was they are in school, then it was “if it doesn’t get better by Christmas I’m leaving” then “after they graduate, I’m leaving”, and so forth and so on. But the REAL question that still NAGS at my heart to this day is “Do I want to live the rest of my life like this? Am I truly happy and fulfilled?”. No one but you, and in my case, ME, can answer that question. Even as Christians, I don’t think a prerequisite for marriage is leaving who YOU are, at your core, at the door, and YOU simply fade away! I personally think that marriage is SUPPOSED to be THE most INTIMATE relationship you can possibly have!! A place where YOU can be….YOU! Where you find love, acceptance, understanding, compassion, PASSION, forgiveness, and even on your worst day, you know that your spouse actually cares.
Personally, I can’t take it anymore, and I don’t believe that God wants me to be completely miserable. I am now figuring out how to leave in a peaceful way, and hope that I can find someone in the future that will love me as much as I love them. I hope that you can also come to grips with the things in life that matter to you too. Like you said, YOU have a LOT of life in you!! GOOD LUCK!!!
43 years. Dear lord. This thread is a bewildering mix of sadness and grief. My head is spinning. I can’t believe some of these wives whose husbands have no interest in sex. What is that!? Anyway here goes: 48 and married 19 years. We are Christians but unfortunately we did engage in premarital sex with each other and lots of it mostly initiated by her. I’m a laid-back type of guy and I had confidence so women would be attracted to me including my wife while we were dating. She would give oral sex all the time I don’t even think I ever had to ask. I did get her pregnant and we did end up getting married. We never had a honeymoon but our first night together living as man and wife we did not have sex. I didn’t think much of it but in today’s world I think they called those things “red flags“. Anyway the situation fit the stereotype to a T. The first thing to go out the window of course was the oral sex. The frequency of sex the first year or two of our marriage was erratic but it was there. She even enjoyed some back door action again without me demanding anything. As a matter of fact I never demanded anything sexually from her in my life so it’s not one of those situations where I was being lmentally abusive about it or something. Anyway we started having more and more discussions about why the sex was becoming in frequent and inconsistent. The explanations were different at different times for different reasons And I certainly was not blameless in this I was not used to the food that she and her side of the family liked to eat and it caused immediate weight gain with me Which I struggle with although I am just the typical overweight guy in America certainly not some sweating gigantic hog or anything like that and I am going to the gym lately and trying to eat better and getting some results. I also had a sharp tongue in those days which of course would turn her off to the idea of sex with me. So overtime I’ve improved in that area greatly being more attentive to her needs But the frequency was horrible every 6 to 8 weeks. one year where we were having communication problems with each other etc. I swear I think we may have only had sex six times. The back door sex which she actually would offer up on occasion in the first five years of our marriage of course has gone away. I would say about seven years ago. Overall like I said 6 to 8 weeks so we average sex about once a month give or take a few times a year. It’s been a source of discussion in our marriage and earlier on we went to marital counseling. We got past a lot of those other problems from earlier on and in the last 14 years we have not needed to go to counseling. One night a few years ago she came to the room late as usual and when I tried to engage in sex she acted really disgusted and really nasty. I was beside myself and did not speak to her the next day and she sent me a text message and I told her I was hurt and confused and bewildered and I asked her if she really wanted a husband and it set off her alarm bells. Since that time she has tried more and has definitely never been that nasty about it. I was very firm with her at the time and told her that I wasn’t going to live in a celibate marriage and I think that was the first time that I wasn’t “the nice guy”. Earlier on in our marriage when we were having these issues I called her frigid and stuff like that And she would come back with some interesting responses she’s a very smart determined woman and I always give her credit for putting up with some of my stuff. But During those rougher times in the early years I always told her I wasn’t going anywhere and would not get a divorce.
Fast forward to about two years ago and she started going through menopause and she actually willingly saw a Doctor Who prescribed something to try to help her with sexual desire to replace a certain hormone. To her credit she did try it but it was a cream she had to inject inside of her self and I guess it was expensive and messy and greasy and when I asked her about it later on she said that it just didn’t do anything. Over the years she’s tried to schedule sex for once a week but that was an awkward stilted disaster to be honest with you. We’ve had some discussions on it within the past six months we’ve actually been able to laugh about it and she will send me text messages stating that she wants to have regular sex but since menopause she just doesn’t have any sexual desire anymore. Again I love her and I give her a lot of credit for being honest with me and being sweet. But the fact is that before menopause our sex life was virtually nonexistent and now it’s pretty much the same thing. Her new thing now is to say we are going to have sex but now she has been using her hands And I think this is her way of slowly eliminating intercourse from the menu just like the other two items were eliminated. She also is less and less interested in receiving oral so that she can orgasm. I have always willingly offered it and been attentive to her so that she may enjoy orgasms before I do. I am getting the suspicion now though that she is beginning not to care or cannot seem to respond like she used to. she does seem to recognize that it’s a problem But she still doesn’t seem to realize that once a month is problematic. She still comes to bed late a lot of the time she’ll say it’s because of work or whatever but it’s the usual I hope he’s asleep tactic which is stupid because I haven’t tried to initiate sex with her in over a year. I’m going to have a talk with her again soon and just ask her if she is having an affair has ever had an affair or if she is trying to force me into having an affair. I tend to think that she is not and doesn’t care about sex enough to even have one but who knows. I used to be a fun easy-going guy when I met her but Now I am irritated all the time. It’s a lonely frustrating existence that I wouldn’t wish on any of my enemies. I am wondering at this point if I should just be a real demanding jerk about it which apparently has worked for other men in the situation. I should start demanding oral sex and tell her it’s been 15 years it sounds stupid but it might be worth a shot. From everything I’ve read on these boards nothing is ever going to change. Mentally I have been putting an exit strategy in my head but certain things have the fall to place before that happens. I know my worth as a man and first and foremost a human being and being treated like this is demoralizing to say the least
I have been married for 7 years and was dating my husband for four years prior to that. We did not have sex before getting married but when we tried to have sex after, I had a lot of pain. I made the mistake of not seeing a doctor about it immediately and his job required him to travel for a few months together resulting in me delaying it even more. Eventually after about 2.5 years of being like this, I got surgery to fix the problem but the doctor clearly said that the problem can only get resolved if you have sex regularly. So when I tried to initiate sex with my husband, so that we can fix the problem, he said he needed time since he has been deprived of this for a while. I did not push coz I understood the emotional implications. We moved countries and I went to a physical therapist this time to fix this issue last year. And now, I dont feel any pain during penetration. During this time, I tried a little to initiate intimacy but he did not seem too interested. I think he was emotionally hurting. Further, during the past seven years of our marriage, he has been physically and verbally abusive. The physical abuse started within the first month of our marriage. While he has supported me a lot through these years, now, he feels like he was robbed of his life for the past 7-8 years and blames for everything that is wrong with his life. He blames me fore not giving him sex and I cant deny that charge. I feel guilty of it. But I am tired of the physical abuse now as it has gone to a completely different level. I am honestly in a bind here as if I decide to leave him now, he will blame me of robbing the most prime years of his life and if I dont, I know for sure that I will have to suffer for the rest of my life. Further, he might demand financial compensation from me and I dont have any source of income.
I dont know what to do and I just came across this post and thought of sharing my dilemma in the hopes of some guidance. Thanks a lot.
I would like to add that I dont have any kids.
Dear SS,
I’m wondering what country you are in? I would advise you to legal advice and in particular whether your husband has grounds to seek financial compensation. You need to get accurate information on this and not let the fear of this possibility drive your situation.
While you may have not been able to have sex, it is wrong for your husband to blame you. It sounds like he played his part too and he needs to accept responsibility for that. How he chose to react to you is his choice AND physical abuse is never acceptable. It is NEVER deserved.
Are there domestic abuse organizations where you are? I would urge you to seek their help – they will be able to advise and help you figure out how to address the issue of the abuse and should you decide to leave your marriage, they will help you figure out how to do this safely.
Because of the physical abuse, I strongly recommend that you do not discuss divorce with him without having sought help first to make sure you are safe.
Wishing you strength and courage, Mandy
I waited too long. After 35 years of no, I no longer care and am ruined for any normal healthy relationship with anyone else so there’s little point in leaving just to be alone. You shouldn’t wait. Run, don’t walk. Broken people are broken and when they tell you they don’t want sex anymore they’re telling you the truth and they’re happier that way. They can’t change they don’t want to. They more or less lied to you to get you to marry them.
Hard Little Machine – feeling that you waited too long is a very common sentiment however, if you are initiating the split then you have to leave when you’re ready. I’m sure you had good reasons for staying as long as you did and I’m sure at the time, you believed you were doing what you thought you needed to do.
Wishing you strength and courage, Mandy
I feel so selfish, but still hurting. We both are in our sixties. I’ve been married for one month, and we haven’t made love. He told me he was having a great amount of pain from his penile implant. (done in Sept.) He’s been back several times to his doctor and his new doctor. I knew about his problem of so much pain, but didn’t know that him even kissing and holding me would hurt him because he desire’s me. That’t the part that hurt the most. My lack of understanding drives me to tears. I realize that the WORD states being unselfish is a fruit of the spirit. I vowed in sickness and in health. I love him very much. Yes, there are so many parts of him for me to enjoy, i.e. his love for his work for Christ, his humor, his humility,
I’m having a hard time being pleasant. I have had two outburst of ugly crying.
I need to know if anyone has this problem.
Hi Penny – I hear how painful this is for you. I know it’s not what you expected. I would encourage you not to make an rash decisions and do seek counselling. Being able to openly and honestly communicate about your feelings around this is going to be crucial. It would also be helpful for you to accompany your husband to medical appointments so you can fully understand his medical condition. A sex therapist would likely be able to advise on alternatives to intercourse.
I don’t know what to say. I am married to my high school sweetheart. We have been a couple for 12 years and been married for 6 now. We have not had sex for 4 months. The worst part is that I now have a huge crush on a friend, and, to add insult to injury, she is gay! God must surely be laughing at me and my envy for the ridiculous and unattainable. I don’t know what to do. I’m coming to the end of my rope.
What reason does your spouse give for not wanting sex? There’s a difference between a medical reason and emotionally disengaging. The two of you need to have an honest discussion about this – if it’s a medical reason then you need to support your spouse while they seek treatment. If it’s due to emotional reasons then ask if they are willing to go to couples counselling. I would encourage you not to act on crush.
My wife never wants sex and if we ever do its just sooo bad – your crushing me – your leaning on my hair -hurry up – Its making me feel crap about myself and I’m beginning to hate her with a passion
Mandy, this thread and our phone call today has given me much clarity on the right direction. I appreciate that you actually do care about people’s lives- Matt
I’m glad I was a help to you. I hope the next few months go well for you. ~ Mandy
My concern about leaving my sm is our grown children. We are a close family and do alot together and i dont want to lose that. Im sure i will be the bad person for wanting out even tho my spouse is the one holding out. Everybody thinks we are the perfect couple How do i prepare my self and the kids (all are over 20) our kids are all boys they surely would not over a year without any sex or intamcey any help would be greatly appreciates
Tricia – I have several thoughts for you. It sounds like your concerned about being judged by others including your sons. How have you viewed divorce in the past? Has your perspective changed given your situation?
How much you tell others about the reasons for ending your marriage is up to you. You don’t need their permission or their approval and you can decide the level of privacy. You might find this post on my blog helpful: https://sincemydivorce.com/why-is-going-public-with-your-divorce-so-hard/
Divorce will definitely change family gatherings but you will still be a family. How that looks post-divorce depends on how well you and your STBX work together to create your new family.
As a divorce coach, I work with clients to help them navigate through all this and I’d be happy to have a conversation with you about how divorce coaching might help you. Feel free to contact me to set up free 30-minute consult.
Not sure why this is an issue. Women don’t care about sex. As long as they can go shopping and gossip they’re happy.
If a guy doesn’t want to have sex with you then he’s probably not really interested in you or if he did and he’s stopped then he’s probably gotten what he wanted and is pretty much done with you. As for holding hands and stuff if it’s something that he’s had no problem with doing with you in the past and he’s stopped or he’s pulled his hand away then it’s probably because he’s been hurt or is mad at you.
I am reading this article and aside from the normal periods she mentions it sounds exactly like my marriage of nearly 12 years. We only had sex once or twice a week in the beginning then it became once or twice a month then it eventually dwindled to none at all for 8+ years at the end. I really wanted to have children and stayed as I thought it was God’s plan and that it would eventually work out. We went to multiple counselors and therapists. He was tested for thyroid problems and sleep apnea. I assumed it was my fault in some way and that if I was sexier, prettier, more giving, etc. it would change. He claimed it was due to problems with my family and then it was money problems. I was making over six figures and found out he had a lien against our home when he moved to another state to take a job. I do not think I will ever know why it was the way it was. But, to anyone in this type of relationship I would say, “run!” Life is to short too live feeling unloved and unwanted. Although, the divorce continues to be difficult I am happier than I have been in a very long time. I would also like to add that it is unfortunate that in our society people still think women do not want to have sex and that if a couple does not have children it is the woman’s fault. To me this is one of the biggest injustices of all as there is little information out there for women in this situation and when you do try to speak to someone it normally lands on deaf ears. I tried to tell my family as well and do not think that they understood as it goes against what is considered a social norm.
Riversblue – I agree with you and there are some comments on this page that support a stereotype that women aren’t interested in sex. As DivorcedKat said, that’s nonsense. Even if your family don’t understand your reasons for getting divorced, I hope they are supportive. You will get through this and you already know you’ve made the decision that was right for you.
Oh my god – it’s uncanny how similar the story of my sexless marriage is to yours. I esp relate to husband’s sleep apnea and thyroid issues. These are ongoing. He’s diagnosed with low t, hypothyrodism, sleep apnea. If you could help me out – was your husband while he was married to you take efforts to fix his sleep apnea and thyroid ? If yes, did it have any improvements at all on his libido and yr sex life ? What was the main cause of his impotence you think ?
I could have written this story. The pain of being in a sexless marriage is horrible enough in itself but the additional shame and humiliation I feel just makes things worse. It is devastating to anyone who values sexual intimacy.
Jen – this is not your fault and there is no shame in it, in my book. You can end this marriage if you want.
i’m dealing with one who punishes me this way (withholds sex when he’s mad but also has very low drive) ir’s SO hard!! been 15 years, very difficult to imagine forever with him, but we have 2 kids….
wow I wish my wife wanted to have sex with me. married 16 years 2 kids 10 and 11 I feel its just about the kids if nothing changes when my 10 year old is 18 I will be moving out and separating walking away from a property that has 6 years left to be paid off she and the kids can have it. I will rent a room for 1-2 years save up which I can’t do now being the only income she does the bills and not much left to save. I will buy a nice vacant property, drop a small 2+2 on it and drop a well on it and call that home never to get married again.My wife says I ignored her and the kids by playing video games in my free time, I have since stopped this when at home however she has her face in a book or on a tablet reading a book from the time I get home until she starts snoring in bed so she does the same crap in a different way. I am done trying to fool around with getting sex from her its one of these excuses. “I’m tired” “it’s late” “I’m going to sleep” and recently a hurt arm which I am offering to help out more so to not have that be as big of a problem. its aug 3rd 2016 last time we had sex was 4/22/16 and we had only had sex 3 times this year so far. 7.5 more years of a sexless marriage I’m not sure I can make it that’s very difficult. It will ruin the life our kids have because she cant make nearly the $$ that I have been taking home all these years. She is a stay at home mom and homeschools. either way I’ am screwed with her or leaving her until the kids are 18.
I will be 46 when last kid is 18 still have many years to live and im not staying with someone who is not physical with me, its like if I stop letting her spend the $$ we have an instant issue foreclosure etc.. but holding off on sex is ok? I think not.
oh well if this helps anyone
Cheers,
db – your marriage is clearly deeply troubled. Why are you deciding to do nothing about it until your youngest is 18? It doesn’t sound like it’s a healthy environment for anyone – you, your wife or your kids.
My suggestion is to schedule once a week date night. FIRST the sex then the date. If she is to tired every time she wants to set a date reply with “That is a good day for our you and me fun time–“.
My story is no different. I have been with my wife now for close to twenty years and the last 15 have been sexless. And I mean zero sex for more than 10+ years, not even kissing or touching of any sort. The sharp decline happened after the second child after the first two years of marriage. I can literally count on one hand the number of times in all of my years being married on the number of times that we actually had intercourse. And that includes the birth of two kids. She says that you don’t get married to have sex. Right now I am quite depressed. As someone said before, this feels more like a prison.
Also can I say this place surprises me that so many women seem to have this issue with a sexless marriage. I was beginning to think that there was no woman going through this. Why is it so much easier for a woman to walk away and get a divorce. Everything I have read says that divorce doesn’t make things better. But at the same time an utter lack sex seems like hell to me.
Dcb – being dissatisfied with a sexless marriage is definitely not a gender issue. I hear it from both men and women.
It basically comes down to this, is this the relationship you want? If not, then what is keeping you in your marriage?
I cannot tell if it is my husband or I who doesn’t want the sex. My husband claims he does, but he doesn’t make any moves on me. In our 15 year relationship (5 dating, 10 married), I have almost always been the one to initiate. My husband was a virgin when we met and has always been bashful about sex and lacks confidence, which he confirms. (There is a photo from our wedding during the kiss, and it shows him barely touching me with one arm. I thought it illustrated what was to come so well). I thought it would get better over time, I thought getting married would give him confidence knowing that I have chosen him, but every time it feels like we are awkward twenty year olds. It isn’t fun for me. Although I enjoyed the sex, it has always been work. Literally. Most times, he just rolls over on his back… If I do something naughty, he asks what’s gotten into me…
So after awhile I stopped trying. Coupled with the myriad of other issues marriage comes with (communication problems, money, raising a small child…) I fell out of love with him. I faked it for awhile, hoping my feelings would change. Years went by. Sex dropped off to once a month, once every six months, then never. The last time was two years ago.
I’ve asked him for a divorce three times in the last couple years. Every time he said he wanted to work on it and swore he would make changes. He still claims to love me very much and tears come to his eyes when we have a discussion about our relationship. We went to counseling, he made some changes regarding money and communication which stuck for a little while, then dropped off again; but the sex never came back.
During all this time, I started contemplating what my life would look like in a sexless marriage and it makes me so sad to think that this is it. I’m not even 40, and this was going to be it… My libido is as strong as ever, but my sex life is over? It makes me physically feel like there is a weight on my chest. I contemplated my options and over time, over a couple of years you have to understand, my attitude toward monogamy started to shift. What if there was another way? What if I asked for an open marriage? What if I stayed in the marriage and sought my physical needs elsewhere? You have to understand, these thoughts developed over many, many months. Over years. After talking openly to my husband, after asking to get out of the relationship.
Is it no surprise then, that I did find someone else? It was a one night stand, that was it. But, oh, the chemistry was there like I’ve never had with my husband! With my husband it was always awkward, it was always work. With this other person it was like butter, it was like the movies. Everything was perfect.
There is no chance of having a relationship with this other person for many reasons, so that is not an issue. I cannot say I want to leave my husband for someone else. But now my suspicions have been confirmed: that good sex it out there.
I haven’t told my husband about the affair and don’t plan to. There is no reason for it other than to crush him and I don’t think he deserves that. I am the guilty one in this. I have asked God for forgiveness, but at the same time I don’t regret it. It was a long time coming.
Since then I told my husband for the third time that I don’t think our marriage is working out. He says that he thinks we have had “ups and downs” but that we just need to work though it. I think we’ve had mostly “downs” and that it’s been consistently down for years, but he doesn’t see that. Maybe he thinks that the periods where we weren’t talking about our relationship and just going through the motions of everyday life are considered “ups”. So, I confessed that I don’t love him anymore. His response was that we “need to work within the framework we have”.
So. Here I am. I am trying to formulate what I need to do to leave him and I will have to do it on my own without his help. He is unwilling to see that the marriage is over, so instead of coming to a consensus about getting divorced, I will have to just leave him one day and force him into it. It is not how I want things to be. I think about it every day and still consider staying. Maybe I deserve to be unhappy. Maybe I should go back to being the only one to initiate sex, to having awkward sex with someone I don’t love, or just continue having no sex at all. Other people do it. I shouldn’t have married him in the first place, I shouldn’t have cheated. Maybe I should just reap what I sowed.
I think about it every day.
Salty – I think most of us would wish to be able to have a conversation with our spouse, say that the marriage isn’t working and for them to say, “You’re right.” And then to work cooperatively through the divorce. That rarely happens. So yes, you have to decide if this is the marriage you want – it doesn’t sound like it will change. If you decide no, then you have to be the one to say the marriage is over and you will need to drive this process. This can be done with respect and compassion, it doesn’t need to be mean and nasty but you will have to drive this. Your husband is probably fearful of life outside the marriage and part of what you can do is show him what that will be like and how he can adjust. Wishing you strength and courage, Mandy
I,m in a tough situation as are most who have described their problems on here. Been married to my second wife for 40 years and I am now 71. Sex has not worked the last several years. I just can’t get turned on with her. We have slept in separate bedrooms for the last five years because of both having snoring problems. I can,t keep my eyes off other women and greatly desire one. She agrees we could separate and have the finances figured out so no problem that way. I would help her find a house close to her family. We have no kids of our own, but have some from a previous marriage 45 years ago. They are of course long grown up and have their own families. It is left to me to decide where we go from here. I feel I can’t live without a sexual relationship. This is causing me problems and possibly one reason I have insomnia.
WTF would anyone stay in a sexless marriage.
I am over it. I’m not even asking for it anymore. I am going to faithful; for better or worst. I have a lot invested with a wonderful daughter, a home, cars, vacation property, dual savings and checking. So i couldn’t do that to her. I am the adult and parent; I have to sacrifice for my family. So I guess this is sacrifice. I am a great husband and father. I have done nothing to put me in the doghouse. I don’t even hang out. I go to work and come home. I even cook and clean. Everything I do is family oriented. I am whatever to it now. I’ve tried but if it is not wanted then so be it. I’ll be the bigger and better person.
As a man I am in the same position where it is my wife who refuses sex. I believe it’s killing me with anguish, self doubt, and self worth. I was beginning to think that all women simply didn’t want sex as they grew older. I’m now starting to wonder if I’m wrong. So much of what Lisa said resonated with me. I too could have written the article. My wife will not got to counselling- she doesn’t believe there’s a problem. I don’t want to hurt our children with a divorce. I feel trapped and in need of intimacy.
My husband and I had a hot, crazy, courtship, then after turning in at 2AM from our evening wedding, no sex, none for a week after. 3 or 4 nights a week, I’d come home from work, bathe, get ‘bed glammed”, invite, to entice, my spouse, nothing!
Eventually, we just accepted longer periods than I thought most people had between sex .Age changes things, the woman in the story above was 10 years younger than her husband.,At the. latter premenopausal years when women’s desires, hormonally peak, a man’s have been15, or so years into the decine of his own, and except for the jolt.from porn and real live because most guys are visually sex simulated, and often even think the image of a sexy female = a sexy young handsome self, while te rest of the world gets to witness the. comedy and tragedy of this delusion . Like the corpulent 65 yr old Arab oil baron, that buys a pretty,15 year old, virgin bride, to cure his impotentence, because looking at her, gives him the foolish,self-deluded, illusion of being young also. It’s the libido version, of the Emperor’s new clothes! Even though she’s young enough to be his granddaughter. Poor girl,so sorry it didn’t work!So try to get him to take nutrution supplements be sensual before divorcing over sex because if couples stick it out past
man-o-pause, and menopause, ife changes “hot life”, isn’t as important, but having a dependable companion who loves you anyway might be.
Ugh. I’m the withholding wife. This isn’t rocket science. He’s verbally abusive, we spend no time together and he hates foreplay.
I’ve been on the other side to and I don’t really get that position. It’s a consent thing to me. I’m a big believer in enthusiastic consent, so if the other person didn’t want to I wasn’t not going to push it. I also figure it was probably his issue. It was his feelings about his me or our relationship and he was going to work through it in his own time. If he needed something from me, well I’m patient, empathic, stubborn and good at listening. I am an emotional powerhouse in that way, and he could talk if he wanted. He’d been fighting me tooth and nail in everything and we’d been making some progress anyway.
How did I know he’d come back? He’s a guy. We’re we’re young, and healthy neither of have a low sex drive, so that obviously wasn’t the issue.
So I don’t push, but boy do I pull. Sex is stimulating a man to ejacalation or letting him use his partners body to stimulate himself to ejaculation. Female feelings, female choice, really free unpressured choice, as opposed to grudging permission, and female desire are completely irrelevant to the process. Pleasure and orgasm for women are also irrelevant to the processes.
Arousal is a little more important, because it’s physically painful to have dry sex without arousal. But plenty of women have dry sex. (Yeah yeah it’s different when you’re caught up in the moment and don’t care and it’s not every single time.)
Finally when my husband told me sex when I was aroused and be was deliberately avoiding getting me aroused because he preferred me in pain. At that point I stopped.
I’d done years of stomach churning skin crawling leave you cold and dead inside sex, because you can’t have a sex less marriage so you have to put out like it or not.
As long as there sex it’s doesn’t matter if you like it or how you feel about it. He’s entitled, the woman is obligated, and everything is fine and this is what all the “withholding is emotional abuse” counselors and pastors want. There is some truth to that, but there also some truth the fact that Christians can be very sexist and some people are just idiots. I mean there is supposed to be love, trust, intimacy, communication, and a semifunctioning marriage, not just a requirement for one sided sex out of nowhere regardless of the cost to the other spouse. I can still very cynical, suspicious and bitter about male sexuality because of that.
Knowing what I know now I still wouldn’t push. It is the withholding spouses right and privilege to work through their own issue in their own time. If they won’t then you’ve got bigger problems, and you can’t solve them because they aren’t up to you. If your spouse is coming to you asking your to help you solve the marriage problems and you expect sex without dealing with anything, then it’s your own fault and you’re just shooting yourself in the foot. If you can’t stand it any more and need to go away to someone caring attentive and responsive, that’s on you, and your responsible for taking care of yourself and letting your spouse know. Your spouse really has no way to know and absolutely no right to dictate the limits of your own endurance.
Basically this my position now. If I have someone pushing, or pulling, or not dealing with their own work, or who won’t be patient with me, I don’t want to deal with it. I work through my own issues in my own time, and come to my spouse for what I need help with or what needs to be a joint effort. If I don’t have that I’m gone. I’m not waiting to hit the limits of my endurance any more. There’s a difference waiting a being patient for someone who needs some space and time and just enduring misery for someone who enjoys cutting you down and ripping you apart in the process.
Very similar experience for me. Very painful, my sympathy to those trapped in sexless, loveless marriages. Much like Lisa my spouse considered herself to be a wonderful Christian woman. My suggestion, get out sooner rather than later. I finally left but should have much sooner.
John
Honestly, I wish I was the way you described your husband. I hate my high sex drive and envy that he could go that long and abstain. Sex in a marriage allows a woman to have leverage over your decisions(if you don’t do what she says you’re cut off). If there’s no sex we are free men.
I am asking for divorce for similar reasons too… I eventually got to a point where I felt so miserable, that I just couldn’t take it anymore. My wife has refused any sort of intimacy, since pregnancy… 4 years ago. Refused to see a doctor and even blatantly accused me being a sex freak for almost begging her once a month for sex. Started demoralizing me for every endeavour I took (telling me to quit all the time) but call me useless, if I ever do so. Nothing I could do at home, was ever good enough… or simply put, she would consider that everything I do, is just giving her more work to do. She would scream at our kids and blame me for their misbehaving, she would complaint if I don’t make enough money, even though I work 16+ hours a day as a freelancer at home and I am the main breadwinner. I tried to approach her and say that we need to do something… and the answer is that it’s too late, we are only together for the kids sake. She removed her wedding ring for a week after that and even propose the idea of getting divorced… and when I finally close my heart and myself, decided to ask for divorce… she came crying that she was wrong. Unfortunately, I couldn’t take it anymore… I was well beyond of the point of no return, so even though she cried and hold my hands while begging me to stay… I couldn’t get myself to feel love for that person anymore. If I were to stay… my life would continue to be sexless, miserable, lifeless, emotionless, negative and empty. Having twins makes it so difficult… and now, I have also to let them go, if I want to hope to get rid of my wife (she was trying to use them to not let me go or stay close enough). I love them much more than I hate my wife, but I have have been so neglected, that I cannot just live a normal life anymore. I’m sorry for your case… but just wanted to say, that this also happens to men too.
When I was married, 1998 everything was perfect. When my wife’s adult daughter had her two children taken away by CPS for neglect, my wife wanted custody of her two grandchildren. The children were from two different dads and one was a convicted sex offender. The other dad wanted his daughter so he could avoid making child support payments. My wife wanted both grandchildren instead of separating them. I fought on my wife’s behalf in court for custody of both grandchildren.
CPS was so furious we wouldn’t just be awarded the grandson and move on, after 18 months of proceedings we didn’t either grand child. My wife was ballistic and suddenly held me responsible, throwing in my face if I hadn’t fought for both, we would have had her 5 year old grandson. She said she couldn’t be intimate anymore. I am a very loving, unselfish man, a giver, not a taker. For that last year of marriage, I was starving to death for affection, a hug, a kiss.
Rather than cheat, I divorced.
I have vowed to NEVER stay in a sexless marriage/relationship again.
Women DO use sex as a punishment if you DO NOT do what they want, or they resent you for anything you do they resent, as other commenters have shown.
Life is too short to die a slow death of loneliness when you love someone.
She was cheating on line and in person/affair I finally found out and divorced.
I am have been alone 14 years now and hope one day to find someone loving and compatible one day.
Raymond, I’m sorry your hard work for the grandchildren was not appreciated. I wish that more people would do as you did – divorce rather than cheat. You sound like a man whose heart is in the right place and I hope you find that someone you’re looking for.
My husband hasn’t had sex been intimate or even slept with me in over 30 years. Previous to that we just didn’t have sex. Married 50 years and can’t and won’t have sex any more, way past the age of caring any more. I never wanted this but after all these years it is what it is. My life has been lost it’s just a waste. I would love to do a do over.
thank you Gayle for sharing this. I hope you’ll inspire others who read this not to continue in the hope that something will change. I wish I could give you a do-over.
I’m going to say a sexless marriage is the new normal! And that’s the way life is and life and marriage are hard.
Now this is my view only, I’ve been married over 50 yrs and about 35 yrs have been sexless. People think this can be fixed but its not what it is.
First married sex was ok sex maybe once a week, both of us were working at the time. I got a new job that required me to work midnights but pay was great and the hours were long. Worked most weekends upwords 60 hours a week. I was never home, but we managed to buy our first home, wife picked it out I signed paper work in our car where I work. Sex never happened any more, years went by quickly still worked long and hard! The only way I could catch a break was take a nap in the car before going home. Then when I got home I crashed! I developed high blood pressure, cholesterol problems, ulcers, depression and wasn’t eating right. Gained weight, no exercise but still had to work. I would say 99% of people lead the same life I lead. Company doctor put me on pills and the libedo crashed. I finally retired after 40 years and I still take pills, the last thing I want is intimacy or sex. I disappointed my wife and gave her a choice to leave, stay or find someone new, I wish she would have left but thats in the past. Can’t bring back the past, I don’t have any friends to speak of. Now in my 70’s what do I have a nice home,car, good retirement with benefits and a disappointed wife! I don’t care anymore about anything and will say sexless is just the way it is and don’t want to talk or be with anyone. Life is down right long and tough and throw in marriage.
I have sympathy for women in sexless marriages. I just wish women had more sympathy for men who are in them. When a man complains about a lack of sex from his spouse, it is assumed that it’s something he’s doing wrong to turn her off, and how dare he want sex anyway.
I won’t go into a long rant, but I believe it would help if women were more honest about sex prior to marriage. Using it as bait for a ring isn’t very nice.
I do agree with you that partners need to have honest, frank discussions about sex but these are often very difficult. I think finding a therapist to work with would could facilitate the discussions is helpful but most people leave it too long before seeking help and then don’t allow sufficient time to work through the issues.
If you’re in a sexless marriage.leave….right.now!
The situation will not improve, ever. I have tried everything over the years with zero results.
Unfortunately for me, nobody told me that at a young age.
My wife and I are both 57 and have basically been in a sexless marriage since our late 20’s and it’s been pure hell.
Both 25 when we married. We had a great sex life. Everything stopped around 27 and it never started again.
I’ve always read that a woman hits her sexual peak in her 30’s. Well the 30’s came and went as did the 40’s and there never was a peak. Now we are pushing 60.
Don’t waste your years not having sex..
You have three choices. Cheat, walk, or get used to masturbation.
Thanks Don for sharing your experience. I’m sorry for both of you that you weren’t able to get to the root cause of this. It sounds like your marriage has been an endurance test and that, in my book, is not what marriage is about.
I am a woman over 50 and my drive is over the moon. – married to an alcholic I wish I would have left years ago. And facing the same 3 choices. And I’, tired of # 3.
suffering thru this now. I fel like I am being intentionally starved to death so I will cheat. I realized, last week, I don’t want counseling. I don’t want to fix it anymore. , I can’t go on feeling like I do . I just want to be in a loving, honest relationship with a good man..
Hi Kay,
It sounds like you’ve made your decision. Next, I would encourage you to think about what a good divorce would look like. Visualizing that will help you through the divorce process in a way that honors your values. And then do take the time to do the recovery work before committing to your next serious relationship.
I have always needed and craved affection and intimacy in our relationship / marriage; however, as time went by, it became far less important to my wife. Over the years my wife withheld almost all affection, and if she did not want to have sex we did not. She did not believe in ‘taking care of her husband’s needs. In regards to affection, no hugging, no kissing passionately, no snuggling, coming to bed late, not even saying good-night. I shared with her how just affection, not even sex, was important to me. One night I even pathetically went downstairs and handed her a magazine article about how babies can actually die from a lack if affection. Nothing. No change. She told me that affection and intimacy wasn’t as important to her.
Perhaps it has to do with the fact that her last marriage was bad, to a completely cold jerk and she had numerous affairs looking for someone who really loved her…until.she met me. For years it was her claiming lack of caring much about affection and love over time was why we so infrequently engaged in either. As she got older she contracted she has had 4 back surgeries and needs a knee and hip replacenent, is in pain most of the time, and we have gone from extremely infrequent sex to an affectionless, sexless marriage. I have been patient, understabding, and have not attempted to force myself on her or force her to have sex. I have been made to feel guilty for even bringing up possible intimacy that I have just given up and stopped tryibg.
On days when she has little pain I have tried to initiate or ask her if she was up to any level of intimacy only to be called and treated like some insensitive, heartless, cruel monster. What bothers me is seeing her laugh and play with our grandkids, work rigorously on projects around the house, etc… but when it comes to us she hurts too much or us too exhausted. Everyone and everything gets her best / gets her at her best but nothing is a saved for me / us, as if I / we are not a priority anymore.
I have spent almost half our marriage begging her for affection and intimacy yet have been deprived. I can’t remember the last time we snuggled or were affectionate, the last time she kissed me like a wife, the last time we made live, or the last time I saw her naked, for that matter. I stay with her because I still love her but primarily because I promised God and her I would never leave her. Several friends have told me I have and continue to be in an abusive relationship and that I should should keave, that I should have left yearscago, and that I have been conditioned to accept it, like many battered hiouse wives.
Part of me still loves her, but I have been unhappy for a long time, miserable. She will not change. When I brought up what’s been going on and how my needs have not been met she told me she will not change. She told me if I can’t accept that I could leave…but I have loved her still.much to do so. My feelings have been starting to change lately, but I still don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I can go the rest if my life without affection, without intimacy, just bring miserable and feeling alone.
Sexless marriage? Affection-less…sexless….I have spent half my marriage married to the girl of my dreams yet begging for affection and intimacy. She recently said it will not change and that if I can’t accept it I could leave. I have stayed because part of me still loves her and sees her as ‘the girl of my dreams’ and partly b due to my promise to God and her to never leave. Friends have told me this is a form of abuse and I have been conditioned to accept it, like battered house wives. I don’t know…Maybe they are right. Or maybe I don’t deserve to be happier, that I am a misfit, and / or there isn’t anyone else out there who would love me or treat me better. 25 years v is a long time and a lot invested in loving someone and hoping they will continue to love you as much as you want / need. I don’t know what to do.