Going through divorce is hard, traumatic. The thought of it can be so intimidating that people fantasize about alternatives like, “I wish my husband would die.”
Yesterday, I introduced you to Pippi who felt no chemistry in her marriage. She was very unhappy but wasn’t able to communicate that to her spouse because she was an “accommodater” – she was so good at putting on the happy face, she thinks she should have won an Oscar. Inside she was miserable and couldn’t see a way out. Here’s what she was thinking:
It got to a point where I just couldn’t imagine spending the rest of my life with him. At some point, I wished that he would die because I felt how am I going to get out of this marriage? There’s no way I’m going to be able to divorce him. Maybe he’ll be killed in a car accident.
I would fantasize about that but I would feel such awful guilt thinking about it. I was a stay-at-home mom at the time and I had no means to leave the marriage. I created a fantasy world of what it would be like if I was not married to him but I just kept thinking, that’s never going to happen unless maybe if he were killed, if there were some type of accident. That would give me an out.
The Divorce Coach Says
You do read about wives who plot to kill their husbands and vice versa. Sometimes, they go through with the murder. It’s hard for me to understand what would drive someone to commit murder unless abuse is involved. You always imagine it to be a very extreme situation or some mental illness involved. So when you hear a regular person like Pippi, say she wished her husband would die, it can be shocking.
It might be shocking but I’m guessing it’s not uncommon. It’s shocking because we don’t talk about it and we don’t talk about it because we’re not supposed to wish someone dead, because we feel guilty thinking it. It’s not Christian, it’s immoral, it’s not part of our values.
In the months before my husband and I separated, there were many times I thought it would just be so much easier if he died in a car accident. It wasn’t that I truly wanted him dead – I just didn’t want to have to confront the issue of wanting our marriage to be over. It would mean an end to the endless discussions we seemed to have each evening going over the same issues again and again. It would mean not having to wrangle over dividing our financial assets or a custody agreement. It would mean not having to tell the children. It would mean an end to this thing that was suffocating me.
It was a very superficial imagining because I never thought through any of the consequences such as how the children would feel. And sitting here today, it seems rather foolish and pathetic because the consequences of him dying would have been far, far worse than the divorce and would have created so much more hurt.
One thing is certain. If you are having these thoughts, then it’s time to get help from a therapist. Talking this through with someone may help bring clarity to the choices you have.
Photo Credit: //www.flickr.com/photos/ianhampton/ / CC BY-NC-SA 2.0
I think the saddest part of the whole thing is that a great deal of her issues about leaving were financial. The idea of being stuck in a marriage for financial reasons (being unable to support oneself) is a terrible fallout of the choice to be a SAHP. I would never want to have to rely on someone else being what stands between me and fiscal disaster. How do we prepare our kids (mostly daughters) to avoid such income traps?
Very observant Liana and in tomorrow's post Pippi talks more about the financial issues. How do we prepare our kids? I remember my mom telling me "never be dependent on anyone" and she may have meant financially but I think my brain dropped that part and I was, to an extent, emotionally unavailable myself. This is quite a recent realization for me so I'm still sorting that one out and I don't know what to tell my 17 YO daughter. Thanks for visiting!
The agony- for someone to feel so trapped that they almost wish for the death of their spouse! Gives new meaning to "a marriage shouldn't survive at the expense of its participants" I'm so glad she got out.
Wishing your spouse was dead sounds awful but I don't think it's that uncommon and as I tried to say, I think it's more of a fantasy, a dream than a genuine desire. I also want point out that in our interview Pippi did say her ex is a wonderful father and that she didn't feel she was emotionally abused, rather it was a bad dynamic
I wish i could write my answer in French. But, i will try in English. Yes, during many years, i have been dreaming to be a widow as the only possble escape. I am a teacher so money is not the main issue, but I feared to be the first one in my family to get divorced, I knew nobody would back me up. I could not even think about it.
Two years ago my husband told me he wanted to break our marriage. I felt devastated because I knew what it meant : it was not a divorce , it was a repudiation. My parents keep asking how I managed not to be able to "keep" that wonderful husband. My daughters are adults and live far from me. I teach and in a small town where many places are forbidden because my ex is very well known and asked me to avoid where he is supposed to be.
Yes, if i compare my situation to that of my ex mother in law wo is a widow, i am jealous. The family helps her, the friends phone. I am the one who failed and i feel rejected.
Sorry for the mistakes, it's so hard to aknowledge that !
Hi Nicole 86 – thank you for commenting even when you have to do it English. I was just chatting to another lady who lives in a small town and said her divorce was difficult because everyone knew it was going on. Her parents were opposed and still are opposed to divorce. Are there places in town you'd like to visit but don't because of your ex? Are you feeling rejected because you've accepted the restrictions your husband has placed on you? What would happen if you went there anyway? Do you have a friend who would go with you? Don't you have as much right to go there as he does?
I would encourage you not to think of yourself as having failed – you and your husband got married for good reasons and for whatever reasons, your relationship ran its course. Not having the support of your parents is hard but there are only two people who truly know what your marriage was like so don't let them judge you. You didn't fail. Be proud of yourself and what you are doing. You are your own person.
Hopefully, Pippi's and the other stories here will inspire you.
I just can’t resist. I used to lay in bed and stare at my ex husband and wish he was dead. Then I figured it was better to divorce him. He was an abusive drunk who drank up our savings, and later, he skipped out on support.
This jerk got a job at the NSA in Washington DC, and of course, he had to lie on his security clearance. He also had to make sure that I never found out about it, or he would be in jail. I saw out here for 30 years never knowing he had a Federal job and Federal benefits for our daughter.
This deadbeat spent his salary on his wife’s kids instead, just so he didn’t have to tell investigators he had skipped out on child support.
When I found out, I picked up a phone, and I was going to say something like “well, thanks a lot” – but for some reason, I said “Aren’t you dead yet?”
He sounded shocked, and he said “who is this?” I said, “This is your ex-wife, aren’t you dead yet?”
He got all upset, then I said “well, you used to threaten to kill yourself if I ever left you, so I thought you would be dead by now.”
He hung up the phone. Pretty funny stuff. ha ha ha ha ha ha
The FBI actually came over to ask me about what I said. They couldn’t believe he was that dumb. he didn’t even get the joke. ha ha ha ha ha ha
I’m glad you can laugh at this now. Did he ever make good on the child support?
I wish my husband would die every day. I am leaving him in August as I cannot take anymore.
@JohnnaCal – feeling this way means it is absolutely time for to separate. Why August? Are you making your preparations now? Does your husband know?
Yep preparing for taking back my life. I do not care if he knows or not. I moved to a foreign country for him only to be treated like cattle. I can taste the sweetness of stepping on the plane for the last time never to return.
been there got that t-shirt. And every once in awhile, you’ll still hope he drops dead, even though you do not have to put up with him every day. If you have had a kid with him and can’t just put it behind you, you’ll wish his death every day since you were dumb enough to have that kid with him and have to still deal with him. Been there. Still living it.
Hi Mary,
Are you dealing with a difficult ex? I’m not – my ex and I have a very civil relationship. There were many times before our divorce that I fantasized about him dying – I know that was because it seemed like it would be easier than having the hard conversation. Now I’m through all that, I no longer have those thoughts. We chose each other for a reason at the time and we have two wonderful children. I wouldn’t change that. But as I said … he’s not difficult and that I understand makes a huge difference.
Ludy Sokol,
I’ve been married for 30 years to Narcissist. I passed the feeling of hatred long time ago. Marriage Counselling DOES NOT WORK , especially if husband doesn’t want to participate. His death would definitely be of a great help, since divorce is out of option; I refuse to become homeless. How can you talk to someone who manipulate and twist your words, never really listens, refuses to see a problem, acts as the victim, than lashes out. This excuse of the husband is very good actor, outsiders would never believe what a true piece of work he is in reality. He is one heavy smoker, unfortunately cancer statistics not working for him. I pray to God to shaw me way out of this sexless loveless co-existence.
Ludy – You’re absolutely right – it takes commitment from both partners to make marriage counseling work. Have you consulted an attorney about your legal rights in the event that you did divorce?
You are married to a passive aggressive by the sound of things. I was with a passive aggressive man for 27 years, he walked out of the marital home on 30th October 2013, and it was the best thing he could have done for me. Order the book Living with the Passive Aggressive Man ( sorry I can’t remember the American psychologists authors name). It was a
real eye opener, it was the story of my life…. and maybe yours too. Good luck! You can live without him!
Thanks for sharing that resource Sue!
Are you married to my husband?
Me too moved too a foreign country left all my freinds and family for my husband who has put us in debt and left me in a financial mess
Contact your friends and family and get out. People will help you.
I agree with JJ – reach out to the people you trust and ask them to help you. Open up to them about the reality of your situation and you will find your path forward. It would also be smart to have a consult with an attorney both in your country of origin and where you are now.
Wishing you strength and courage.
I’m so interested in reading the next blog on this subject. I feel exactly like you as the blogger…simply suffocating and eager to find my way out. Thank you for writing.
I am leaving my husband in three weeks. But I still wish he would die for all the things he did to cause me to want to leave.
@JohnnaCal – My two cents – try to let go of the bitterness you have towards your soon-to-be-ex; it’ll be easier for you to move forward. Have courage. I hope leaving works out for you. I think you commented before and I think you’ve been working on this for sometime. Take care of yourself.
I left him 6 years ago. He died 4 years ago. I am no longer bitter.
I too, was getting ready to leave my husband. I told him I wanted to separate and he convinced me to stay and try a little longer. He has been verbally abusive, non-supportive and even mentioned divorce a few years ago, but quickly recanted when he realized how much he would lose when I wasn’t there to literally handle everything from keeping the house up to paying the bills, while he plays golf, computer games or goes fishing. Now, I am sorry that I just didn’t leave him when I wanted to. Although he has made some minor changes, like not playing online poker every minute he is home, he still makes back-handed remarks and small insults.We cannot have even the most simple conversation that he doesn’t dominate and make me feel stupid, therefore, I try to avoid conversations, just making small talk. I am not a young woman, I am 63 and we have been married for 30 years. I cannot imagine living like this for the rest of my life, so yes, I have wished that he would die, because I do not see any other way out of this marriage. Testing my feelings, I find that I do not love him the way I once did, to much has happened while I was trying to be the good Christian wife. There is no intimacy from him towards me, he does not touch me, but wants me to touch him only. I feel like I am living the life of a servant, not a wife. I totally understand Pippa’s feelings. I am glad she was able to get out of her marriage. I just wish I could, now I feel trapped.
@casilu63 – If you can’t imagine living your life the way it is now for the rest of your life, it’s time to make some changes. Would your husband go to counseling with you? Does he realize how unhappy you are? What is stopping you from separating now? What is your greatest fear?
I also understand u I have been almost thur the sane things but now I’m trying not to think about those bad thoughts and trying my best to work out things with partner
@Lupita – it always worth the time and effort to try to work out the difficulties in your relationship although it’s not easy. I hope you have a good counselor. Best.
Any chance that you actually are stupid?
I’ve thought this too, many times but have never aired it.. life would be simpler.
It can certainly seem simpler than the conflict in divorce. Does it help to air it? Most people feel guilty about these feelings.
I have been married for three long years, that seems to never have an ending. I got married at eighteen, and am soon to be twenty-two. I have a two year old son now. I married my husband two weeks after meeting him. A month into our marriage, the verbal abuse had already started on a non-stop basis. I left him several times, but had nowhere to turn, to live. So of course, after he begged and promised he’d change, I came back. And of course, he never changed…never did… Nothing. I grew up in an abusive household myself. I watched my step-dad beat on my mother, my siblings, and myself for years. She is still married to him til this day. I have nothing to do with any of my family, and am stuck in a state, an area, a life, without any way out. This time last year, Social Services intervened and took my child away. He was only 8 months old at the time. Everyone kept telling me, “the environment is not safe for your child, the verbal abuse, the emotional abuse, it’s affecting your child. If you would just leave we will give you your little boy back.” Of course, I never left my husband. But we got our child back three months ago. He will be 2 in February. I sometimes wonder if I did the right thing to fight for him, my marriage, and to get him back. There was a couple that wanted to adopt my little boy, but they had only been married as long as my husband and I. Plus, that was not my only reasoning. I loved my son. I wanted to raise him, to be there for him. But now, even three months after he is back in the home, everything dismissed. My husband is a cruel, dark hearted person. He stated in front of everyone on Thanksgiving, that he hates being a dad, hates being married. And cannot wait for his son to be eighteen so he doesn’t have to deal with him. The thing is, my husband doesn’t even take care of my little boy, at any given moment. I do everything. From 5am-7pm at night. I do everything. My husband is unemployed, and is thirty-one years old. He plays video games all night from 6pm-6am. He goes to bed every morning by the time I am getting up. And when he wakes up at night, there is only two hours before I go to bed, and he is already on the computer again, with barely anything to say to me. Obviously, the smart thing to do would be to leave. I’m too scared. Of change, the unknown, taking care of myself, being a single mother. I am so stressed out all the time, that its once again beginning to affect my son. And I feel helpless, like there is no way out. I myself am at home twenty four seven. My husband and I live in government housing and pay no rent. We have food stamps and WIC. Everything…but nothing. I want so much more in life. I know there is more, but I feel so buried in my hole, that I feel it’s too far to the top. I am not sure what to do anymore. But I want a way out.
Dear Guest,
I would urge you to contact your local domestic violence/women’s shelter. They will be able to help you formulate a plan for leaving safely. I know you say you’re scared of taking care of yourself or being a single mother but honestly from how you describe your present situation, how would it be so different? I’m encouraged, excited to hear you say you want more in life and it may seem out of your reach but dramatic changes don’t ever happen overnight. They come with planning, thinking through and then just taking one step after another and that’s where the people at your local shelter should be able to help you. Have courage … *hugs*
Been there!!!! Don’t give up, but I will tell you this, you and only you can change this. You haven’t had enough or you’d already be taking the steps to get out. Start by trying to get a job, don’t care if it’s a minimum wage job, go get one. There are many many many programs out there that can & will help you. You stated you get food stamps and WIC already. There are programs out there that will pay or help pay your rent, get transportation, furnish a home etc. you won’t live in the lap of luxury but it’s a start. Yes it’s hard but certainly do-able, trust me I had 2 babies who were 2 days away from being 11 months apart. I did it and so can you. Nothing nicer than coming home to your own home and being able to do what you want when you want, and the only one you must answer to it yourself ( and your child) I can’t stress enough this is hard but can be done. How bad do you want it?
Thank you for sharing your story Sue, and your encouragement. I talk to so many people who took a long time to end their marriage and then with hindsight, say, although it was hard, they wished they’d done it sooner.
Good Lord, that is heartbreaking. 🙁
If your husband and you are not willing to work on your relationship then you need to find a way to end your marriage and separate. Do you have friends or family members you can stay with temporarily? Check with your local court house for free clinics on handling your own divorce. You can also check with your local women’s shelter to see if they can assist you with formulating a plan.
Wishing you strength and courage.
My husband is a lazy bastard. Trying to get me to throw my son out of my home not his. He brought over $80k in debt to the marriage and is now retired trying to be the boss of my home. I have no debt. I hope every day when the lazy ass gets outta bed that before I find him in my lazy boy dead. A shame since he spent so much time dedicated to the community saving others. Maybe he should have started at home.
So Miserable trophy … what’s keeping you in your marriage?
I well understand the pain of having a husband who despises your children and of one who can’t be moved to do anything but sit on their ass all day long disturbing as much as possible. Every night when I lie beside him I hope that his breath will cease.
Chrissy – this is no way to live your life. What is keeping you in your marriage? What country do live in?
Sick of lazy self serving men. When I was preparing myself for having something to offer a “real” man, apparently the real man was preparing to be the same ass he always was. Just some other chicks problem.
Well, I think you should never wish any ones death how bad they may be. I am guilty of this and felt very bad. Sometimes anger over takes and you don’t use your commonsense and let the emotion take control, though in reality it’s you who has the control. My ex-wife did some very bad things to me and i sometimes can’t let go of the pain she caused. Though in time i come to realize its better to let the person live her life and respect each other. Well never wish someone death. I think if you have morale’s and a strong conscience you will feel bad wishing someones passing. It’s just not right. Life can be very difficult and sometimes we have to think clearly before we speak. Its difficult. Very.
@Art – I’m no longer surprised by the number of people who admit to thinking about the death of their spouse. I do know that if you are having these thoughts then your marriage is in serious trouble and it’s time to get competent help.
It was when I started praying and hoping he would die, I realized, even though as a Christian I was not pro-divorce, that I had to end the marriage. I have other friends who have thought the same thing. Not so unusual I think.
Hi Gracie – I think you’re right – thoughts like this are not so unusual but people don’t talk about it. And yes, once you start thinking this, it’s definitely time to work on your relationship.
I want to terminate my parental rights but I can’t, I’m stuck paying support for children I no longer want. no lawyer will.even consider my case because he receives state benefits. the only way my rights will be terminated is if I kill him. so thanks to the state for nothing. I would rather spend my life in jail than stay tied to kids I don’t want.
Dear tiredofmess – I have to say that I’m struggling to empathize with you. In all my interviews I’ve never spoken with someone who said they no longer wanted their children – it makes it hard for me to understand where you’re coming from. It seems like a very drastic step to take. Is it simply that you no longer want to financially support them or that you want to have nothing whatsoever to do them? How long have you felt this way? Are you contemplating harm to your ex?
Seriously leave your kids out of it, please call a help line so that they are safe!!
Definitely think theres nothing wrong with wishing your husband dies. I wish it everyday and I dont feel an ounce of guilt. My husband is an alcoholic idiot and I hate everything about him. I moved to a foreign country and now im stuck. I can’t work. Have young children and can’t go home. There’s no justice. If I leave ill basically will live in shit and can’t do that to my kids. Ive no escape. So if he dies life will be much better.
Maria – this is no way to live your life. If you have these thoughts on a daily basis then you need to find a way to leave. Have you had an initial consult with an attorney? You may be eligible for spousal support which would help you get to the position of being able to support yourself. If you’re able to work because of your immigration status, what would it take to change your status and how could you get started on that?
I’ve been married for 22 years and most of those years have been happy. 6 years ago my husband was in a car crash that left him permenantly injured. He works hard to support us but he is in agonizing pain every day. This pain will be life long and there is nothing that can be done medically to ease or remove it. We have 2 teenage children and one adult child. Because of his pain he lashes out almost daily and it gotten to the point that my children tell me in tears that when they’re out of school they’re leaving and never coming back. The thought of that crushes me. I hate being his whipping boy- verbally only, he’s never hit me. I hate what he’s putting me and my children through. When he’s kind he’s amazing but when he’s not he’s horrible. I’ve begun asking God to release him from his suffering, to take him out if this life. My life and the lives of my children would be so much better without him and he wouldn’t be suffering anymore.
Is it wrong of me to ask God for this?
Dinae, you are in a very difficult position. While I understand his behavior may be a result of his pain it doesn’t mean that you or your children have to accept the behavior. Is there pain management therapy he could go to that would give him coping strategies? Have you been to counselling with him? You could also consider living separately … would that be an option?
Heelling because he thinks we’re fine. He won’t even go to church with me anymore because sitting in the pews hurts him. Pain management was tried and was ineffective because of the nature of his injuries. Living apart is out of the question because our finances simply won’t allow it. His doctors say the pain is something he’ll have to endure the rest of his life. In the meantime I pray constantly that God will take him out of all of our misery. I’ve never been more unhappy than I have been the last few years. I still love him- I truly do- and before this accident he was such a patient and fun guy. It changed him and he’s miserable physically and my kids and I are miserable mentally. Financially we’re in a very deep hole and I feel trapped and lost and I don’t know what to do.
I was wondering if there was more a therapist could do giving you all behavioral strategies for dealing with his pain rather than medication? I have no expertise in this area but maybe more about getting him to recognize when he’s taking his pain out on you and helping you draw boundaries around his unacceptable behavior, such as leaving the room or the house when he directs his anger at you.
Is living separately within the same house possible? Drawing some physical boundaries so you have a place to retreat may help you.
You might think in terms of renegotiating how you live together – if you ever had roommates you probably had to have a few sit down meetings and say what was bothering you all? It’s the same with your husband … make a list of what he does that upsets you and how you would like to deal with that, recognizing that you can’t make the pain go away. He can make his own list. You could consider using a third party mediator to facilitate the discussion.
Have you sought debt counseling?
A lot of psychopathic women posting here. If you’re so insecure that you would rather wish someone dead then take control of your own life you’re pathetic.
I am glad my husband is dead!!!!!!!!!!!
lolololol
me too!!!!
I really wish mine would so I could be glad too lol
U Guys are lucky
So lucky u r…
God hv blessed you
..
13 years of physical and mental abuse…me too.
My husband was not there for me in my hour of need! I took care of him through his illness and death of ALS Lou Gerigs disease. He was never there for me, and did not help me with my problems. Now I am going to commit suicide….
Just me alone – I don’t your circumstances so it’s hard for me to comment on your husband not being there for you in the past. I’m urging you to seek professional help urgently. Please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline – 1-800-273-8255. It offers assistance 24/7. You can also contact them via the internet at //www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/.
Wishing you strength and courage,
Mandy
I hate mine so much I wish he would f’n die EVERYDAY , I hate him so much , really he is a piece of sh*t!
Ex – Are you still married? Living together? If you are, then it’s absolutely time to consider divorce.
If your husband or wife is not there for you in your hour of need, then they are not really there for you at all. I was there through my husband’s many surgeries and his death through ALS. I helped him with every problem in his life! He was never there for me and he abused me. I AM GLAD HE IS DEAD! Now it is my time to die…………..
Just Me Alone – reading this made me sad. I thought the last sentence was going to say it was your turn to live and you were excited and happy. Are you terminally ill? I hope you have the support of friends and loved ones.
Wow i am so glad to see that i am not alone. I create my own fantasy world where he’s not in it either we got into a huge physical incounter that pushed me to leave or he cheated on me or in some cases he dies never horribly or anything but i do go further and can get in touch with the emotions of everyone invilved and then it makes me sad because i don’t want him dead i just want out. I would say i am abused others would but i am not sure if i would he is mean and controlling ect.. But he’s only hit me once a long time ago. I am scared to leave cause i am a stay at home mom with no income and he is vindictive enough to hire a team of lawyers to take my kids and my kids are my life i would never want to lose them so unfortunately it looks like i have to stay with my fantasy cause in reality i am stuck here hope everyone else out there can get out.
Hi Samantha – It’s very hard to leave in a situation like yours. Sometimes it makes a difference to start thinking about “when” rather than “can’t.” Even if that’s in five years time when say your children are in high school or in college, setting that as a target creates a empowering vision. Is there a way you could get part-time work outside of the home to start creating some income for yourself and building skills for full-time later?
Wishing you strength and courage,
Mandy
Samantha… I was married to a police officer who beat the living crap out of me and my children. Though there were multiple police reports and medical evidence, he got away with it. The court gave him full custody of our children. Mind you 2 of our children was a result of rape.I still suffer today from the injuries I received. I’m permanently disabled and suffer from PTSD. I don’t watch anything violent because it’s a trigger. My 2nd marriage was ok… he is a compulsive gambler. i left that marriage with our kids… my 3rd marriage, I want him to die. He drives a motorcycle and everyday, I look for police to come and tell me he’s dead. I went from an ex that physically, verbally, mentally and emotional abused me to one that is financially, emotionally, verbally, and sexually abuses me. I hate him to no end but i’m stuck. When I tried to leave, the attorney said since I was the one supporting the family, that I would have to pay him alimony. I have already supported the lazy a** for over 10 years. He refuses to get a job though he makes 6 figures when he actually works. I have no recourse. I children and what’s left of my friends can’t stand him. I just wish he would get hit and die already. That way he won’t be in my life anymore or bring the same torcher to someone else. Mind you, he did the same thing to his ex-wife, his ex-girlfriend before me and I’m just finding this out. He’s a really good manipulator where people would believe his bullcrap.
Dear Sad and Alone.
This is no way to live your life. I obviously don’t know the details of your situation and I am not an attorney … however, the law provides for situations where a spouse is voluntarily under- or un-employed. You can seek a vocation evaluation and then based on that income is imputed to the under-earning spouse. This imputed income is taken into account for child support and spousal support. I would try talking with another lawyer and specifically asking how your jurisdiction handles imputed income.
And even though you don’t want to, you might look at what leaving him would really cost you – it then becomes a quality of life/freedom decision. I had a friend tell me one time, “If I have to support him for the rest of my life, I may as well divorce him and be happy.”
Wishing you strength and courage,
Mandy
as a warning Ladies, I wished my childrens father would die a thousand times. He was just awful at regular activities like working, coming home, and couldn’t cook. Cheated on me a million times, 2 outside kids, you name it, he done it. We haven’t spoke for 3 years and we have 3 kids. I went on with my life and got married the regular stuff. He kept partying and hanging out in the streets. I was so pissed off he was just allowed to go on in his life and forget he had a wife and 3 babies at home. So anyway, I wished him death over and over. I was so mad and angry that 9 years of my life was wasted on a such a shitty man. Then the phone rings in the middle of the night and my new husband turns on the light and just looks at me and says “******’s dead, His mothers on the phone.
I hated him for just as long as I adored him. I hated that he couldn’t just make the right decisions to be normal. But I wish I could have tried to save him one last time. I wish I wouldn’t have wished that. I feel guilty. and that guilt will never go away. In a way I think it’s just another asshole way of making me suffer since he couldn’t do it by being my life. Another way, I feel my bad thoughts caused the karma ball to get to rolling. It has been and is the worst insatiable grief I have even imagined or experienced. At times in my life he was the monster but at other times he was my king.
Thank you for sharing this. As I said, when people think this, I don’t think most people truly want it to happen. They’re just looking for an easy way out or looking for the conflict to end.
I would encourage to seek counseling – you would never have been able to save him and as long you keep thinking that you will have pain.
Wishing you strength and courage,
Mandy
I left my STILL husband 5 years ago due to physical ,emotional ,and mental abuse . He still controls me through our kids and I wish he would just die. Sometimes, when I’m having to talk to him on the phone the whole time I think… I wish he would die now and I could hear it, just to make sure its true and I would smile and all the weights he’s been piling on me for years will just lift and I wouldn’t have to see a therapist anymore for ptsd and persistent depression, because he never goes away! I have deep rooted hate for him , hate I never thought I could be capable of… it’s hard to forgive and forget when you felt like you were in a hostage situation being tortured and finally released only to have to keep in contact with the monster, because you have kids. I just can’t take it anymore . He’s already drove me to a therapist , what’s next ? A mental hospital…
I can appreciate and understand why you feel the way you do. It sounds as if your husband still has significant control over your life.
I’m glad you’re working with a therapist. Have you discussed boundaries?
Do you think it would make a difference if you were divorced?
This is exactly how I feel. My husband is such a jerk asshole who is making my life a living hell. And because we have kids and fighting for custody, .I have to swallow my hatred, anger and resentment. I would happily pay $20,000 to have him taken care of as that would be simpler and cheaper. How are you expected to coparent children with a vindictive and twisted beast?
I completely understand that life would be easier if you didn’t have to deal with your ex however that is the reality. What I’m hearing in your response is that his actions still trigger you and as long as that happens you are allowing him to control you. Have you done any divorce recovery work? See if you can find one locally to you or checkout the books on Amazon. You can also read about these divorce recovery programs on this post: https://sincemydivorce.com/how-to-choose-a-divorce-recovery-program-that-will-work-for-you/
Let me make something very clear. Wishing your spouse was dead and hiring someone to kill them are two completely different things. While wishing your spouse would die is common and understandable, taking action to bring about their death is not acceptable. If you’re looking at ways to have your spouse “taken care of” then it is absolutely time for you to end your marriage and you need to find an attorney to help you.
Still not finding any peace from my dead husband’s mental, physical, and emotional abuse. I helped him with every problem he ever had. His help to me: 0000000000000000000000000000000000000.
Just me alone – sorry to hear this. It sounds like he hurt you very deeply. Have you done any forgiveness work?
There are some really awful, hateful people that post here. So many of you. You people are scary.
Having been married to a -skunk- husband for 20 years now-I already suffered too much! How I wish and have been praying that he should just Collapse and Die! His parents did not guide or educate him properly because he constantly hurls abusive and foul language at me; and too disrespectful to my parents.
I tolerated all these years and at times feel very suicidal. Tried filing our divorce few years ago, but relented due to my young daughter.
Can you all help in offering me advice please?
You have a simple choice – I think from what you are saying that your relationship is unlikely to change and so is this the relationship you want? If not then start working with a divorce coach, counselor or therapist to figure out how to end your marriage. It’s not easy but you can do it.
I am divorced after 46 years of marriage. Didn’t have a clue about what he was up to no separation no talk of divorce. He would work for 6 months at a job and stayed at our shore house. He came home one day and sais he talked to a lawyer he is getting a divorce and not changing his mind. He was a man who had many of affairs. This divorce could have been done differently had he been honest and up front. He changed address opened his own account changed doctor and much all behind my back. Looked me right in the eye and said there was not another woman which of course he lied no surprise. Of course I had a really stupid lawyer she took 15,000 and was worthless of course his was slick. I of course came out back in debt and trying to find part time job.he is seasonal worker and of course collects a good SS and unemployment.he just came one day and gone the next. Now of course with new love. I am trying to get thru this but so very hard because I feel he should have been upfront and honest. Are children are grown but feel he walked out on them and expects them to understand and meet his new life partner and her family. I need to now try to move of but think everyday what he has done. How can I forget and move on with my life. Kathryn J
Hi Kathryn – you are absolutely right. Your husband could have handled this with much more compassion and I’m sorry you are now struggling financially. I run a divorce recovery group locally which is really beneficial in helping people help from divorce so I would suggest you try finding one of these in your area. A group is good because you get to hear other peoples’ experiences and build connections. I like the in-person too – online is just not the same. Wishing you strength and courage ~ Mandy
I’m on the other side of things, I’m a man being left. Nobody outside understands why, she & my kids are my world, I make good money & try to do everything within my power to make her & my kids happy. She’s cheated on me repeatedly. We separated for about a year I hoped that we could work things out, she had few affairs during that time, but I didn’t give up on us & our family. A year ago I thought we were trying again, but found out she was still cheating and we’re divorcing, her choice. I find my self wishing that I would just die in a car wreck or something, then maybe she & our kids would be financially set & hopefully she could find needs to be happy w/out me mucking up the works.
I know this is difficult and it sounds like you’ve tried really hard to keep your marriage together. I’m sorry that life looks so bleak for you that you wish you would die in a car wreck. I don’t know you but I’m pretty sure your kids would be devastated if that were to happen and your family too. I’m sure they don’t see you as “mucking up the works.” Are you in therapy or counselling? If not, I would strongly recommend you find someone to help you. Are you considering suicide?
I have in the past, but no. I wouldn’t intentionally do that to my kids, I’m not suicidal, I just think it would be easier for everyone sometimes. And no I’m not seeing anyone.
Good – I’m relieved that you are not feeling suicidal. If you do start feeling that way, would you promise me that you will call someone? There’s the national hotline – 1-800-273-8255? I also think it may be beneficial for you to be working with a therapist or a counselor.
if what the guy said about himself is honest, it’s men like you that are encouraging women not to harm themselves.
I really, really wish my husband would die. We cannot afford to divorce because property is so expensive in West Wales. The only way out is if he were to die. He’s quite a nice guy but we’re hoplessly unsuited and as time goes on he annoys me more and more. Unfortunately he still loves me with a dog-like devotion and depends on me to organise his life for him. He is reitired and I still work. When I get home he regales me with everything about his day and follows me everywhere. I wish he would just go away and leave me alone.
Pusscatty – Something has to change! This is no way to live your life. It’s time for you to have an honest conversation with him about your feelings. If you can’t do that on your own then do go to a counselor.
I suspect the reason you see divorce as not possible is not because property is so expensive but rather that you are unwilling to make the lifestyle changes that a divorce would necessitate. Have you done the analysis of your finances to see what divorce would mean and then looked at what that meant in terms of where to live? I would encourage you do a complete analysis or work with someone who can. And then come back to your decision …
i wish my husband death . his hurting me so badly .. better if he die . i will flush his ashes in the toilet .. sometimes im praying that god will punish him
Silvia – if you are feeling this way, something needs to change. Can you share more about your situation? What is keeping you in this marriage?
I was married 23 years. Finally got out of a very unhealthy marriage. I discovered years of cheating he did with co workers and online affairs. He has mentally distroyed me as for being able to trust another man. He moved out and in with his girlfriend. They got married shortly after. I was a faithful wife and the mother of his children. While I’m still trying to heal, he has moved right on with his life with no regard to the family he distroyed. For anyone reading this. I was one of them people that thought this could never happen to me and my family. Not a day goes by that I don’t wish he was dead.
I’m so sorry this happened to you and completely understand why you feel the way you do. I would encourage to work with a counselor, therapist or coach – learning to trust others again is about learning to trust your own judgment so this is within you and there are good men in this world, when you’re ready for another relationship. I would also encourage you to work on forgiveness – as long as you’re wishing he was dead, he has power and control over you and seriously, you would be in a much place if this energy was directed at your happiness.
My wife and I share a browser on a computer. I noticed this in her history. Based on the article and comments, I guess I’ll do her a favor. Too bad about the kids.
I found out today my brother hung himself. It wasn’t until a few hours later that I looked at my phone and saw that in the middle of the previous night he wrote an email to me. He included the URL to this article and his wife’s views of himself as the reason he did it. I don’t know the purpose to this article and these comments beyond venting hate to another person, but it is wrong, and I want to write that it does hurt people. These people are real. Husbands, wives, another’s son’s, daughter’s, sisters, and for me, my brother. Not only is my brother gone, but his kids no longer have a father now. My parents are in shock.
I feel obligated to let you know who my brother was though you won’t truly know looking at some characters on a screen. You’ll never know. My brother, though depressive, was not an alcoholic, nor a drug user. I used to tease him that he is a square because he’s always the one helping. When you see someone hurt, he’d always be one of the first to leap up and help that person out. I know these things can be hidden, but talking to his wife today and knowing my brother, he wasn’t the violent, lazy type. He wasn’t perfect, but his wife is devastated and regrets that she came across this site in the first place. I am trying to convince her to see a counselor now, but she is beyond speaking to me at this time – I am hoping that will change and am worried for her safety and the possibility of self harm.
She said she was came across this site to help a friend going through a divorce. Apparently because she shares the same computer with her husband and she forgot to close this page and left the page up and he found it and came to some wrong conclusions.
My brother always took things very personally. It appears he was very hurt that he thought his wife felt this way.
Anyway. Words hurt. Words can kill. Please be nicer to yourselves, don’t wish for people to die – because I am writing that it does happen.
Dear Brother,
I am so sorry for your loss and tragedy that has happened.
I appreciate you sharing your insight and wisdom. I agree with you – we shouldn’t wish people to die.
Please accept my sincere condolences,
Mandy
Careful what you wish for my divorced my ex husband died four months ago and now my four teenage daughters hate me. They have lifted him up on a pedestal and I can’t do anything right I was the one that was there for them for the last 17 years I’m feeling so hurt. And alienated by my kids
Thank you for sharing this Denise. I’m sorry you are going through this. I hope that with time your daughters will gain a more realistic perspective. ~ Mandy
I just married for one year and I already severely depressed. I don’t love my husband but married to him because my mother crying and begging and as my grandpa last wish. I’m still in college and haven’t got a job yet so I’m still financially dependent on my parents.
We’ve got no chemistry. He said he loves me so much so I tried to compromise even though I don’t love him at all. At first I tried to communicate and compromising his situation (unemployed). I’m still financially supported by my parents so I don’t really care. But then he showed manipulative tendency that very hard for me to forgive especially when it is obvious that he is thinking I’m stupid because I’m 9 years younger than him. I’ve tried to communicate with him but it never got across his brain I don’t know whether he is really that stupid or pretend to be. He always avoid argument with me or every discussion that got him guilty, while he keep apologizing, he used my parents to control me. To the point that my parents are calling me sinner, immoral, destined to rot in hell and I must be possessed by Satan. He always look sad if he I leave him alone for just 30 minute. He said I’m scary even though I’m never allowed to be angry. He complain if I don’t text him everyday or for being busy with my study, if I’m not looking cheerful or all smile with him he’ll always tell my parents how hurt he is by my behavior. He can’t accept that I’m still not in love with him after only 3 months in our marriage. He sabotaged my life, my future, my family to the point that I’m mentally traumatized. I got sick, I’ve developed phobia at him. I can’t even stand the thoughts of him talking to me, touching me etc.
I want him to die and all I see is blood if I tried remember his face. I told my parents that I want to divorce but they cut me off from all access I can get to divorcing him. I told them I want to die before and they all playing victim and told me that I’m selfish for hurting them. Please, I want my husband to die. I’ve got no other way to escape.
Minni – in what country are you located? If you’re in the U.S. I recommend that you find your local domestic abuse organization and ask them to work with you to figure a way out. You can’t be held hostage to your parents wishes and this doesn’t sound like a situation that is going to get better.
Wishing you strength and courage,
Mandy
I’m not from U.S. unfortunately, from southeast Asia. This country is one of the country that still very patriarchal so no one would think the same as me, as marriage is something very sacred and divorce is very taboo. Wherever I go looking for help and advice no one would advice me to divorce, most of it is I just need strengthen myself and suck it up. The funny thing is, there’s one local NGO in my city that helping child and woman abuse and that very NGO is being lead by my own mother. And what I’ve been through, in this country is still not considered as abuse as long I’m not physically get hurt.
I thought you might not be in the US. Do you know any other married women in a similar position to you? How have they negotiated their marriages? I’m thinking that you and your husband need to sit down and have an honest discussion – you need to be clear about what is acceptable behavior and what is not. And if it means separate bedrooms, then so be it. If divorce is out of the question, then you need to look at this from the perspective of what do I need to do to make this work, for the next six months, the next 12 months … And if you can find a good marriage counselor, go.
My husband is so lazy and mean and shows me no love or respect. The only reason I stay is that I would owe him spousal support and he would take half the house. He actually hasn’t paid for anything because he spends all his money on him I feel it’s my house but since we have been married so long I would have to sell the house and give him half the money. I worked so hard for this house I don’t want to give it up. He has never once apologized or tried to make things right. I honestly believe he is a horrible person and see no good in him at all.
I understand how you feel Christine. First – have you had a consult with an attorney to verify your understanding on spousal support and the house?
This is a happiness equation. At the moment, you are supporting your husband and are not willing to make changes to your lifestyle, even though you say you are unhappy. At some point, the scales may tip. You may reach the point of saying that if you have to keep supporting your husband then you want to be happy and that you’re willing to make changes to your lifestyle to secure that happiness.
All women shold be raped and murdered. Lol
i really wish my husband die . any caused i really wish his death . i really waited the day someone call me and tell the good news..
i really really hope my husband will die any how i hope he will die .. he always hurting me . angry for no reason ..selfish .. i am verbally abuse mentally , physically .. hope god will hear me ..but if we ouside together with his family his very good .. i will cremate his body . and flush his ash to toilet .. i never imagine i stuck with him . i hope he die ..
this is for my third wish .. i wish him to die .. i really wish him to die .. i dont know how but i wish him to die .. i hope his suffering slowly death
Jon – It’s time for you to figure out a way to leave your marriage. Have you look into resources that are available for domestic abuse victims?
Sometimes I wish it too. I hate my husband so much. He’s never really home cause he works over time mon-fri but the days he is here it’s more like he’s not. He spends all his free time on video games I can’t even talk to him cause he always has his stupid head piece on. If I do really need to get a hold of him I have to practically yell at him so he can listen but it has to be in a good low tone because other wise he will smack me he’s verbally abusive and sometimes physical he has hit me and our 2 kids. Over stupid things like if the kids are making too much noise and he can’t hear the other people on his loved xbox he will give them a whooping of a life time and when I defend them I get slapped or pushed. I think by him dying he will do us all a favor he doesn’t even hold his 1 year old daughter I’m the one doing everything I know I don’t work but I’m wailing to get a job and to take care of my kids on my own I’m currently a college student but I can do it. I’m just scare of the change and the trauma the kids and I will go through how can someone Surf pass that😕
Izzy – thank you for your honestly in sharing this. I understand how extremely difficult it is to leave an abusive situation when you don’t have financial resources. Kudos to you for sticking in college. Make your plans, be prepared and when the time comes you’ll be ready. Please stay safe until you can get away.
Neurotic and resentful women enabling the pathology of the Queen Neurotic in this comments section. What a surprise. God, what a truly despicable blog.
My husband is a controlling, cruel and vindictive asshole intent on making my life
hell. We are divorcing and it’s costing me a fortune because he is such an asshole that has to control and contest EVERY aspect of the divorce. I wish and pray that he meets his death multiple times a day and feel no guilt or shame. In fact, I would celebrate if he was to die. It means I can return home with my kids. I know I can’t control his behavior only my response. But everything would be less costly and easier if he were no longer in the picture. My kids would be sad but much better in the medium to long term.
How awful that there is a forum discussing something so dreadful. My husband has been gone for 5 months. I miss him so much. He died of cancer and yes sometimes my patience with him would wear thin, I wish so mich that he was here. When your husbands ARE gone you will regret your thinking.
Hi Linda,
I am so sorry for your loss.
I know that you think we shouldn’t be discussing this however the reality is that many people who are in unhealthy marriages do think this. I like to think that most of the time, people don’t really mean it. It’s more that ending the marriage and getting divorced is perceived as being so difficult, that losing their spouse through death would mean they wouldn’t have to go through divorce. My hope is that by discussing this, people will choose to either work to make their marriage healthier or to end the relationship as respectfully as possible.
I am going through a nasty divorce. He is a narcissist, pathological liar. He stopped paying me child support and screwed me big time. I told him I wished he was dead for all the hell he has put me and he kids through. He said he is going to show the judge the text messages and it will prove I’m mentally unstable! That doesn’t even make sense. I can’t wait for the divorce to be over
My husband was convicted of possessing over 250 indecent images of children… I know he had more, but the cops weren’t interested in finding any more than they did. So technically he’s a paedophile. I wish him dead every day. His addiction started just before we got together so our whole life had been based on a lie about who he was. We lost our business because of it and some of our friends don’t talk to me because I suspect they don’t want to be reminded of the whole thing when they see me.
Every day I pretty much wish he’d be killed somehow because that would be easier to live with than having to lie my way through a separation and divorce, the reasons for which we’ve blamed on his rather theatrical bouts of depression; because paedophilia is something nobody wants to discuss and I’m seriously scared of retaliation in our neighbourhood.
I have to stay in the family house as I have nowhere to go, and he won’t leave. I can’t force him either as it’s his house too and he has no decency. I have no friends to speak of and of the people who do talk to me they think I should be over this by now and just don’t understand why I can’t move on. It’s just that every day is like living in a nightmare that never ends and it’s stopped me off everything I ever used to be.
I literally have nobody (who I don’t have to pay) to talk to about my feelings, and I don’t have much money of my own so do worry about how I’ll cope once we finally sell our house. I work, but my income is low and due to learning difficulties and stress I find the pressure of work is almost too much for me.
If my husband was dead I don’t think the world would be worse off. The only people who see him don’t know what he’s done, or he’s lied about the extent of his conviction because he knows they’d disown him if they ever found out just how depraved he is. His life is all built on lies – he even blamed me for triggering him to look at these disgusting pictures and presented that to the courts in his defence! My life was destroyed by his perversion – he stole a decade of my life, treated me poorly during it and to top it off turned out to be a paedo!
How is life fair? How is there a just God anywhere. This person doesn’t deserve to live and most people wouldn’t miss him if he was dead. I wish him dead every day and of I was granted that I don’t think life would necessarily be better, but I could finally start living my life again.
Hi Chris,
This is a very difficult situation for you to deal with and I completely understand your feelings. What you’re saying is that you need to end your marriage and cut all ties with your husband. And no one will blame you or judge you for doing that.
@Mandy
What I’m saying is that I genuinely wish he was dead, via some freak accident. Yes, I wish my marriage was over, of course I do, but the mechanism of how that’s achieved is not that I want to suffer the pain and protracted nature of divorce, but rather to have this nightmare ended as abruptly as it started. Death achieves that, I know from personal experience. Divorce means I lose my home, my environment, but his death means the disruption would be minimal and I wouldn’t have to pack my life up and leave.
I feel so extremely cheated by life when I’ve done nothing to deserve what’s happened and honestly, if anybody thinks he won’t return to old habits the next time he gets stressed, they’re fools. People like him with their perverted and dangerous inclinations don’t deserve to live in my opinion, as the damage they do to do many innocent lives is beyond imagination.
Yes – divorce often doesn’t seem very fair. Your choices however are continuing living the way you are and accepting all that that entails or choose to end your marriage and create a new life. How do you want to live the rest of your life?
I found this article after searching “I wish my ex was dead,”. I knew I wasnt the only one who wished their ex was dead. I have been wishing death on my ex for 20+ years. I deal with his toxicity by keeping him far away from my life. It was easy to do when he lived in another state. But a few years ago the loser showed up on my adult daughter’s doorstep with no job, no money, and no place to live. So she took him in. He mooched off her until he met another woman and then moved in with her. The loser has never owned a home himself or taken care of himself.
I wish him dead because I can no longer keep him totally out of my life. Now there is a grandchild on the way and I will have to share this grandchild with him. What really burns me up is he abandoned our kids 15 years ago and never did one damn thing to help raise them. I spent tens of thousands of dollars on attorney and court fees fighting for child support. I raised my kids alone from day one. I feel like I earned the right to be the grandparent. He did nothing do earn it. He is no more than a sperm donor. I know I am not the only one to feel this way. It just sickens me that he can abandon my kids like he did and then pop back into their lives and act like nothing ever happened. And I know he is telling the kids lies about why he left them. He blames it all on me. They told me. He is still lying to them this day. Only our youngest knows the real truth.
LIfe would be so much better if he would just die. I think the kids would miss him slightly (not the youngest. she wouldnt give a damn and she wouldnt have to make up excuses why she doesnt want to see him). But they would get over it. And the world would be a better place without this lying, drinking, mooch of a man child.
My husband is a good man, but I haven’t been happy for 25 or 30 years now. I stay for financial reasons. I am 70 and my husband is 77. He had quadruple bypass surgery almost five years ago. I really didn’t think he would make it through, or would be gone by now. I don’t see any end in sight, and I am just so frustrated and panicky I could scream. Of course, I could die tonight, but I feel like I will never get to live life the way I want to. I’m thankful that I had a good life during my twenties, but since the age of 30 it has been a long hard slog. I will have been married 40 years in a few weeks, and I think how much longer can I stand this situation. I know I’m blessed and am thankful for that. It’s bad when you sort of envy people who are on death’s door, or women who lose men in war. They are young enough many times to start over and get a lot of sympathy. Someone in my situation just looks like a lousy individual. There is literally no one I can talk to about this, so I hope someone here can “talk.”
It’s gotten to the point with me that I don’t care which one of us dies, it just has to be one of us because we’re so different and everyday is a fight on how to raise the kids. I think I’d do better as a widower, whereas he would prob raise the kids to the point that they would resent him and leave as soon as they are able. I hate him so much and wish I neer settled.