Sex is an integral part of marriage. Many experts agree that when one partner is no longer interested in sex then there’s either a medical issue or something seriously wrong with the relationship. But what if the sex was never there?
Today I’d like to introduce my next guest, Suzy. She and her husband were married for thirteen years and separated four years ago when Suzy was in her early forties. They have two children who were eight and five when the marriage ended. That they managed to have children at all is amazing. Here’s Suzy:
We basically had a marriage with no emotional or physical intimacy at all. He couldn’t do emotional connection at all, which I don’t think is all that unusual. But the hard part was he couldn’t do physical either.
We were very religious at the time, so we didn’t have sex before we got married. We didn’t even kiss before we got married. Very extreme, right? I was super naïve. I hadn’t dated a lot. I was 30 years old, but I was really inexperienced and so I just didn’t know. We didn’t know. I went into it very naïve and I think he did too. I really think he didn’t know that this was going to be a really big problem. Then we were on our honeymoon and I thought, “Wow, I think we have a problem.”
It’s not that he couldn’t get an erection. It’s that he didn’t enjoy it. I think he prefers men and I think he couldn’t face it, because we were so religious and he’s such a “be normal” kind of guy. He just wants to be normal and yet he’s not. He’s actually eccentric. I think he’s a very alternative lifestyle person, but he just can’t swing it. He also works for the government, which is a really scary place to come out of the closet. I knew it right away, but me, I couldn’t face it. I thought, “How could you get married and yet prefer men? How could you do that?” I couldn’t connect that in my head about how that’s possible.”
Then I went, “Holy cow, now what do I do?” So, I started covering up for him. Like typical enabler behavior.
I think it was unfathomable for everybody that this could happen. I don’t blame anybody. I just think, “Who knew?”
Even with my husband, I think he didn’t even know. Really there’s no blame with him. I think he walked into it thinking, “This is going to be fine,” and I think he realized that he had to start covering up. It was like, “What’s he supposed to do?” We’re both in this impossible situation and he can’t do emotional connection, so it’s not like he could sit down with me and say, “Look, I’ve got this problem.”
We had our two children. Within the two minutes of sex every six months, we managed two children out of that. I’m the one who initiated it every time. He never initiated it. He just literally didn’t like it. Imagine being with somebody who doesn’t want to be with you, what that would do to your brain and your soul?
The Divorce Coach Says
Suzy is not the first person I’ve interviewed who experienced a sexless marriage.
IronSpineSally said she was also naïve and didn’t discover her husband’s sexual problems until after they were married and had unprotected sex of the first time.
Lisa Wynn struggled with a sexless marriage for over twenty years before deciding to end the marriage and then found her husband had been in a relationship with a man for fifteen years before their relationship.
While not a sexless marriage, Carol Grever’s thirty year marriage ended when her husband came out. Since then she has used her own experience to reach out to other straight spouses and has created an amazing resource – The Straight Spouse Connection.
I can understand how this happens. I’ve written before that I hope it’s a phenomena of our generation, that with the growing acceptance of gay marriage that our children will at be liberty to stay true to their authentic sexual selves.
I can also understand how marriages like this can go on for ten, fifteen, twenty, even thirty years. In that respect, this conversation is the same as any other conversation where you have to confront a difficult realty – it’s hard.
One of my hopes in sharing these stories is to show you how to have these hard conversations so you don’t look back and wonder where your life went. I hope you’ll follow Suzy’s journey.
My experience is almost the opposite. We started out very connected emotionally & physically. I was only 19 when we got married and he was 22. As the years went by and I matured, the emotional connection went away until finally during the last 5 years of the marriage I was no longer physically interested in him anymore. We continued to have sex, infrequently, but it was always just the mechanics for me. I felt it was too hurtful to tell him I was no longer sexually attracted to him. The marriage ended without me ever having to say those words but, I also wondered during the last couple of years if he might be gay. I have no idea if I’m right or wrong but I suspect that if I’m right he might probably never be able to admit that to himself.
Hi Candi! What makes you think he may be gay?
He travels a lot for his work and I found some e-mails a few years back where he was on websites trying to hook up with couples in the places he was traveling to that like to have other people join them for sex. It was clear from what I read that the sex would not be exclusively heterosexual. I was more than shocked at the time but finding that and considering his complete homophobia? Made me think it was possible.
If not gay then bi … sounds like he had some dark secrets. I hope you’re doing OK. That must have been a very disturbing discovery for you.
I really don’t see how a marriage can continue in the truest sense of a marriage, when spouses are of different sexual orientation. It wonder if your husband wanted the marriage as a a facade? This has to be devastating for you and it is hard. I wish you strength and courage.
My ex wasn’t gay. But, from the very beginning sex was far and few in between and for the last probably ten years of our 20 year marriage I don’t think we had sex at all. He just didn’t care. He sat in his garage, drank and smoke and that’s all that mattered to him. I even paraded once in front of him in really sexy lingerie and he didn’t even notice. It almost broke me. I kept wondering what was wrong with me that he wouldn’t have sex with me. I finally realized it wasn’t me and finally had the courage to leave him four months ago. Now I’m spending time with myself to figure out who I am and hopefully one day I will meet someone that loves me in every way and wants to spend time with me in and out of the bedroom!
Dear Ann – Thank you for sharing this. It’s hard not to take the lack of interest in sex personally. I think you’re doing the right thing now spending time getting to know yourself, building up your confidence and self-esteem – you’ll be ready to meet someone who loves you for who you are. 🙂
I will be celebrating my 2nd wedding anniversary next week, together over 5 years. Sex is sparse, about 1-2 times a month. I believe we use to have sex more frequently in the early years, but even three years ago I noticed it wasn’t as frequent as I had hoped. On our 10 day honeymoon we had sex twice, and it felt like we were checking off a box on our to do list. I don’t feel passion and closeness anymore. I try to engage and initiate but often my advances are pushed away. I am noticing other men. I am realizing I think something is missing, and it makes me sad. I recently met someone who I have chemistry with and an instant connection. I know that because it can’t happen makes it even more intense, but I often think, two years married and this is how I feel? Is this normal. I do love him, he is really a wonderful person, and I often wonder what is enough. Is our love enough, is him being kind and loving enough. Do I need intimacy, over time is that less important? I think even more so than the sex is the sadness I feel of not being wanted and desired. That is quite difficult. But maybe I’m over looking the true importance of a relationship. Any comments would be appreciated.
Hi Jane,
There’s nothing wrong with having sex infrequently provided that’s what both of you want/need. If it’s not what you want then it is a problem and it isn’t going to magically get better on its own. I’ve interviewed a number of women who were in a similar situation and they all found out later that there was a reason for their partner’s lack of interest and it wasn’t because of them. Don’t let this undermine your self-confidence or your self-esteem. I think you need to say to your spouse that you would like to have sex more frequently and what can you do together to make this happen. If he won’t discuss it with you then it’s the same as saying he won’t work on your marriage and then you have to decide if this is the relationship you want.
If you’d like to discuss it with me, I offer a 30-minute free consultation. You can use this form to contact me: https://sincemydivorce.com/contact/
Wishing you strength and courage,
Mandy