When your spouse says “I don’t love you anymore” you can be reasonably certain your marriage is beyond salvation. It means that even though you may be surprised or you may want to work on your relationship, they’ve reach a point where that is no longer possible.
Kimberly had been married for eighteen years when her husband told her he didn’t love her anymore. Here’s Kimberly:
He presented me with that statement and politely asked me what I thought. I said, “Well, obviously you’ve been thinking about this for awhile, so I need some time.”
I was surprised. At the time I knew that marriages had up and down periods. I knew something was wrong, because he had been very distant for quite awhile and it took a lot of coaxing and convincing for him to actually tell me what the problem was. But I was definitely surprised that he didn’t love me anymore. I thought maybe he felt that there were things that we needed to work, but just to say that was a jolt. Yes, for sure.
I took a few days to think about it and I came back to him and said, “Let’s get some counseling. Maybe there’s things that we can change.” And he said, “No, you’re not going to change and it won’t work.”
Also at that point we had actually decided that we would stay together for the kids. “So, okay, we’ll live together. There’s no love or you have no more love but we can still stay together for the kids because they’re still pretty young.”
That was okay for a couple of months and then at Christmas time we went to my parents for Christmas and he was very uncomfortable there, couldn’t wait to get out of there. When we did go home after, he went out by himself and didn’t come home for about three days.
When he arrived home, he arrived to a note that I had written to him that basically said, “If you can’t be a husband or a father, you can’t live here anymore.” And so he left. Went and lived with his mother for awhile while we went through the proceedings to get officially divorced.
I was torn. I still loved him, so I was sad to see him go. On the other hand, I felt if he’s not even going to be bothered to hang around the house at Christmas time with the kids, then staying together for the kids is hypocritical because he wasn’t around for the kids. So, that’s why I wrote that note. “If you’re not going to be here for me or your children, then what the heck’s the point?” To my mind there’s obviously nothing left there. There’s no point in hanging on.
The Divorce Coach Says
I was the one to say, “I don’t love you anymore,” that I wanted a divorce. Like Kimberly, my husband was surprised. It wasn’t that he didn’t know my deep unhappiness and dissatisfaction with our marriage but maybe he hadn’t taken our previous conversations seriously enough. I think he’d been expecting a list of behaviors that he could work on. I couldn’t give him that list because I felt that if I did, he might work on them and then expect everything to be OK. I felt it would never be OK and to ask him to work on our relationship would be deceptive, holding out false hope.
At his request, I did agree to try … we even went on a family vacation which I will forever remember as the worst vacation I’ve been on. It quickly became evident to me that I couldn’t work on our relationship. I was past the point of no return.
We did not discuss a separation (which may have been helpful) and nor did we discuss staying together to raise our children. I like that Kimberly and her husband discussed this as an option even though it eventually didn’t work out. I suspect that often times it’s just one spouse who decides to stick it out for the sake of the children and the other spouse has no idea and then there’s no negotiation about what staying together for the children means in terms of acceptable/expected behaviors.
Ultimately, he started to see a therapist and I agreed to attend a meeting with that therapist. It was in the therapist’s office, with the therapist’s assistance that I think my husband truly heard that our marriage was over. So working with a therapist might be what you need to do.
You might also find these Tips For Coping When Your Spouse Wants A Divorce helpful.
I do wonder what my ex would say about the conversation .. would he say he was surprised? Would he say it was unfair? Would he say he understood?
Are you dealing with mental illness? What’s the biggest challenge for you? What advice have you found particularly helpful?
I feel like it is my dirty little secret that I didn’t LIKE my now ex-husband any more, let alone love him. What I regret is that I couldn’t find away to address my unhappiness. I couldn’t express it and he would give me the same biblical lecture over and over again that shut me down completely. I regret not having the courage to end it. It’s ironic that he found someone new in his church. Didn’t bother him too much that they were both still married at the time. His hypocrisy was one of the things I liked the least about him.
I hope you’re not beating yourself up about not being able to express your unhappiness? How are you now about speaking your truth?
I am better at speaking my truth, but there has been a learning curve. I could have used these skills with my first LTR post divorce, but each relationship and date has been a learning experience and will make me a damn fine partner when I find “the one.” Thanks for the reply, Mandy.
Me too, I love God but my husband beats me over the head with the for better or worse!! I think to myself were you thinking this when you quit your job, leaving me to handle everything or when you decided to put your hands on me 3xs?? Now it’s like he forgot that and just wants forgiveness and sweep it away.
it is for better for for worse, thats how it roll;’s what if it was you?
I am here. I’m not quite sure if I love my husband. I think my catalyst moment was when he quit his job. I can’t seem to get over it. I resent him for it. I’ve told him I want to separate but he won’t leave. He says he is not going anywhere. He feels i should be ok with it. he had his reasons. Some days I say maybe I should stick it out, some days I’m certain it’s time to go but I stay out of fear and his emotions. Not to mention this will be my 3rd divorce. I don’t know what to do!?
Hi Kim, If your husband won’t leave and you want out, why don’t you leave? What is it you’re afraid of? This being your third divorce isn’t a reason for you to stay in a marriage that is not working but it does speak to a need to look at why you have chosen to be in your past relationships. Why did you choose to be with your present husband? What has changed about your relationship? What are your values compared to his? I would encourage you to do this work before committing to another relationship.
Yes I will do this work. Thank you. The house is mine, he moved in. So I’m not leaving. His name is not on the home. I’m afraid of hurting his feelings, and the guilt associated with it. I chose him because he loved God, was nice and loved me. We met and married within one year. So we kinda had a whirl wind marriage/relationship. I loved him too but maybe him a little more. He loves hard and doesnt want to give up the relationship. What’s changed is that I’ve allowed my heart to be redirected to someone else. I haven’t made any moves on it because I know I need time to figure me out. Thanks and confused!
I am joining this discussion because I am in a similiar situation. Together for 21 years, married for 11 before I decided that I had my fill of the distance and withdrawal from our family that my husband displayed. He was NEVER home and when he was he really wasn’t. His mind was always on work or something else thus leaving our children and myself feeling unwanted. When I finally told him that I couldn’t pretend anymore, he didn’t put up a fight. He said that he hadn’t been happy for the past 3 or 4 years. We both acknowledged that we felt stuck because of our children. But we were differnt in that I wanted to work on it and he didn’t. I still feel that he didn’t fight for our marriage, that he simply gave up. He would go into “his” room because he weren’t in the same room anymore and just isolate himself from myself and the children. I found myself asking him alll the time why was he still there. He had no real answer. It was hard to think about what it was doing to our children because I felt that he simply didn’t care.
Still Stuck … it sounds like your husband has been emotionally unavailable for a long time. I’m not sure that he doesn’t care but it could be that he doesn’t know how to show that he does. Unless he’s willing to change though it still leaves you feeling unsupported. Are you still “together”?
Yes, we are still “together” in the sense that we live in the same house. But, have not been in the same room together for for than a year now. It seems that it really works for him because he doesn’t even bother to communicate unless it is the bark orders at me or the children or to criticize. Financially, I haven’t worked in 11 years because I have been a stay-at-home mom raising our children while he ran a company and traveled extensively to build and sustain the various offices of the company. Now that financially the company is strapped he “needs” me to go back to work. Mind you I wanted to go back to work when our youngest started school, but he said for purely selfish reasons that he didn’t want me to because it would mean he wouldn’t be as flexible with his work schedule. In the grand scheme of my life and our children’s lives, I feel in my heart that he is not the “family” man that he needs to be because he’s on another trajectory than we are. I’m at this place in my life where I want to be happy with what we have and watch the children grow and become compassionate, productive members of society. He seems to be all about the next big business venture with little care for what our family needs to survive. I see it everyday when he doesn’t come “home” from work til 2 or 3 in the morning and when he has little to no communication or interaction with our children. The interaction between the 2 of us is virtually non-existent save for a few conversations about what I need to let him know about the kids. I don’t know how to get this to change for the kids. I do know that I don’t want much else from him besides respect and consideration because I don’t think there’s any real love in my left for him. My perception of him has changed so much in the past year that I don’t like who I see when I look at him, so how can I love him?
Still Stuck – you can’t change him; he’s the only one to do that. However, your future is uncertain and you have gift right now of having time to prepare yourself, to get yourself into a position of being able to support yourself should you or your husband decide to end the marriage.
Now is the time to work at upgrading your work skills and to find work. There’s a stroy on my blog from Pippi – she knew her marriage was over and starting making preparations to be able to support herself. It took her five years. Here’s the link to her story: https://sincemydivorce.com/working-out-way-leave-marriage/
Another resource is my ebook, Untangling From Your Spouse, helpful. It’s $2.99 on Amazon and here’s the link to that: //www.amazon.com/Untangling-From-Your-Spouse-ebook/dp/B00BFYL4LE/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1372172376&sr=8-1&keywords=untangling+from+your+spouse
You might also consider my free “New Beginnings” consultation to see if my coaching services could help you:)
Hi, ive known my husband forever we were childhood sweethearts at 10yrs old..we rekindled our love at 18yrs then seperated and found each other again at 27yrs…we have two beautiful children..we married but from day one we had no peace from his ex wife..life was hard i suffered from Post natal but didnt get help we argued but got throught it..basically my husband started seeing someone younger as friends he says..i was going through Breast cancer while secretly he was phoning n texting her..i found out and for a while we were ok, then out of the blue he said he was staying with his parents ” to give us a chance ” We were ok not brilliant but we were still together…Then one day he was seen one evening with her my whole world shattered,,,again we kind of got through it and i thought we were ok…i did everything to make him happy for 3yrs, then he said ” i cant string you along no more, i dont love you how a husband should to his wife, more of a best friend” I cried he left..we are talking but everyday feels like a nightmare, i can honestly say how am i going to live without him, the thought of him with someone else is too unbearable to think…What makes matter worse he says he finds me very attractive and fancies me like mad and even had the cheek too try it on…i dont know what to do..i cant imagine my life without him 🙁
I guess I should start out saying I really don’t love my husband anymore.
I have been married 7 years and we have 3 beautiful little girls.
Recently we got a devastating diagnosis for my 5 yr old daughter and we found out she would require 2 surgeries (MAJOR surgeries — brain and back)
Our first surgery happened in June and I stayed in the hospital with my child the whole 3 days we were there.
I had to literally fight my husband to come bring me food.
I had to beg him to watch her so I could go shower in the common shower area.
He got angry when I would be proactive and advocate for my child with the nurses and doctors.
I felt completely alone.. not the first time either.
My last birth with my youngest he didn’t stay at the hospital with me and then wouldn’t come during the day until late and I had a c section.
It was so embrassasing having to constantly ask the nurses for help.
The final straw was when I came home from the hospital with my 5 yr old and he got angry that he had to clean the bathroom.
being exhausted I just tried to leave him alone but he eventually got in my face and choked me and left marks on my body.
I wanted to call the cops but last time this happened and I defended myself I was arrested due to he had visible marks but eventually my bruises showed and I was released without charges.
I am scared but I have started to separate myself from him.
I don’t sleep in the same room, we barely talk unless in front of the children, when he wants to watch a movie or do anything together I tell him im not interested.
I am a stay at home mom and he controls all finances.
I am stuck but I truly want a divorce so bad it hurts.
I want to find someone who loves me and supports me and holds my hand when im going through hard times.
I cant keep living in a marriage where nothing is ever good enough.
I hate myself for staying for as long as I have.
I hate it.
Hi Jodi – I’m very concerned your situation. Do you have a domestic abuse shelter you could talk to? I would recommend this as they will be able to help you to stay safe while preparing to separate. They may also be able to help you with financial resources since it sounds like those are restricted for you. Don’t beat yourself up about staying for so long – it takes time to figure out what to do and then to be ready to do it. You have to take it step by step. Stay safe.
i don’t love my husband and i think i never did 4 years ago i was thinking about the separation and he got sick he has leukemia i felt really bad for him now he is in remission we had a little boy but i cant stand him anymore we fight a lot i am tired i really tried to fix this
i am unhappy to many things around him his family his Mon his job i don know what to do i feel alone
Hi lolo – let me ask you, what is keeping you from ending your marriage?
Its in God Hand….so accept the decision of wife….whatever she wants go with her & leave her only when you feel she is secured enough after leaving you…..because if your spouse doesn’t love you,,,,Then U must have…
My wife and I have been together for 13 years and she recently (6 weeks ago) told me she was no longer in love with me, wasn’t sure who she was, and that she wasn’t sure if she wanted to stay with me or not. She told me it was because of the marriage going sour the last 5 years or so and that I had not treated her with respect, not been nice. I was shocked and devastated, I knew things were not picturesque but I also felt completely safe and secure in our relationship. Since this has happened, I have had a major awakening and am seeing her in a new light, we had kids and I think forgot to take care of our relationship, each other. I have begun working on the things I needed to change and she has stayed the course so far but….I feel like I am on an emotional roller coaster here. Our sex life has gone from 0 to 100 in 2 seconds, I have taken the time to listen to her, treat her with respect, and things have been fantastic. Yet, she still cannot say she loves me, doesn’t know if I’m the man she wants to spend the rest of her life with and I feel a general detachment when it comes to affairs of the heart between us, as though when we have sex, it could be anybody else there, not so much mattering that it’s me. I do not believe she is having an affair. She has said as much and I feel I have to believe it, though I am keeping an eye out. Some days I feel as though I just need to treat her well and give her time as maybe she cannot trust overnight that the changes are real. Sometimes I tell myself I’m a good man, loyal, caring, attractive, a good father, job, etc. and that I need to make a change and do what’s best for me. Then I think of my kids, it would tear me up to do this to them. Maybe I just need to stay strong until the kids go off to college( 11 years) and find more outside interests for myself? The problem with that is I feel like the more she waits, protects herself, figures things out..the more I feel myself being hurt and becoming detached. She is 38, I do feel like there is more going on with this than just our relationship, perhaps some Physical and psychological changes . She won’t go to the Dr. ( I haven’t harped on it) , she really won’t take the time to think about what it would be like without me, or what it would do to the kids. I’ve gone to counseling ( once) , she hasn’t expressed an interest ( I haven’t asked her ) . She says she just wants to take it day by day, I feel the need for affirmation, we’ve been together 13 years and I want to know whether she plans on staying or not, otherwise ..maybe I need to go ? Lost.
Dear CJ – First, I’d like to congratulate you for your awakening, recognizing your role and being willing to change. Given that your wife says she’s been troubled for five years or so and it’s been just six weeks since her revelation, I think you’re right in giving her more time. I’m concerned however that her lack of feedback to you and lack of interest in counseling or seeking help, are signs that she has already emotionally checked out. Ultimately, it may come down to you deciding if this the way you want to live the rest of your life. It’s always healthy to be concerned about the impact of divorce on children but an unhealthy, dysfunctional marriage can also be harmful.
If you’re interested, I do offer a complimentary 30-minute coaching call during which we would discuss this and I can give you some tools/activities that may help. Wishing you strength and courage, Mandy
Ok Mandy, that could be helpful, where do I call?
Please email me at mandy@sincemydivorce.com and then we can set up a time that works for both of us. I look forward to talking to you.
My husband and I have been married for 20 years and have two sons, 18 and 12. I lost my libido right after our first son. I have several medical issues that require many different medications that have side effects of lost libido and lethargy. I am know by everyone for my naps. I have never been an exceptional housekeeper, but 8 years ago after our son was dx with a life changing disease, I just feel apart. I’ve always struggled with depression, but haven’t ever really come out of it. As a result, the house has now become something that depresses the whole family. I have tried to clean, but everything overwhelms me. This has been an area of tension for us for many years, as well as lack of intimacy. My husband has always been very understanding and accepting, until last year. He confessed he wasn’t happy, and we needed to work on it. Shortly after that, we had many issues with our older son, and things went by the wayside. Now, after noticing he has been pulling away, going out with our friends without me, and basically not staying home even when I’ve asked, I finally confronted him. He says he hasn’t been happy for a long time, says he love me, but isn’t sure he is in love with me. I have been a SAHM our entire marriage. I don’t have a college degree, and only under two years of work experience when our older son was young. I don’t know what to do. He thinks I need to find things that make ME happy with myself, clean the house, and fix ME. The problem is, I actually feel he has never put me first. Simple things like giving up his chair to me in a crowded room. Just very self centered. I’ve suggested counseling, and his initial response was he wasn’t sure it would work. We went before many years ago. I keep asking if we are going to work on this, and he says yes, but he’s not sure it’s fixable. I have nothing. Nowhere to go. I can’t work due to taking care of our son. I don’t like the outdoorsy things he likes. The one thing I could always count on was him loving me, and now I feel empty. I’m not completely sure he is willing to try, or if his mind is made up. I’m devastated and scared…
Dear Help Me, This is a very scary time for you and I understand how frightening it is. From what you say, your husband has already emotionally withdrawn from the marriage and you would be wise to prepare yourself for divorce although he may just let the current situation continue out of consideration for you. Your first step should be to consult with an attorney about your legal position. Depending on your state, you may have a reasonable expectation of spousal support and this would be an important consideration in your financial future. If you don’t have a divorce attorney, you can call 1-877-248-2303 (affiliate) – this is a service that will contact you with a local attorney. Many attorneys do offer an initial consult at no charge.
I also have an ebook on Amazon (see ad in the sidebar) called Untangling From Your Spouse – this is loaded with the practical steps you need to take to prepare for divorce. I do recommend you read this … following these steps may help you see divorce as less scary and it may help you build your confidence.
I do agree with your husband about finding things that make you happy – he may never have put you first because you have never made your own needs a priority. I’m working on a report that I think may help you here .. .stay tuned … more to come on that within the next couple of weeks.
As far as working goes … I’ve yet to meet a SAHM that doesn’t have skills that transfer to the workplace so please don’t underestimate yourself. Start looking for seminars or conferences geared for older people looking to enter the workplace – I saw one advertised this morning in my local paper for people 50+ promoting the healthcare industry. There may be grants available for retraining.
I know I’m bombarding you and this can be overwhelming …. I do offer a complimentary 30-minute initial coaching consultation – please email me at mandy@sincemydivorce.com if you’re interested. Wishing you strength and courage.
I’ve been married to my husband for five years now but we were only trully happy for just one year (our first nine months of marriage before he left the country for a year to find work, and the first three months after we reunited)
I really love him and want to build a solid marriage but the problem is that he
doesn’t act like he wants the same.
He’s always out with friends boozing.I spent last Christmas and Easter alone with our two kids coz he never put us in his plans.His friends always came first and whatever they say goes.
For a while he’d pick up a fight with me even over silly things and he’d physically handle me.I’ve had three blue eyes to date all thanks to him.Yet still I’ve stuck around praying that God will make him change.
What hurts the most is that everytime we argue over little things he doesn’t hesitate to mention that other women crave for him.He seems to be in this marriage with an exit stategy in mind.
It pains me to let my kids grow up without their dad so I’ve stuck it out this long.Am I insane to stick around hoping things will change or am I just wasting time?
Dear Chokwadi – it sounds like what you would like from marriage is very different from what your husband wants and you have to decide if this is how you want to live your life. He won’t change until he decides he wants to change – you can’t change him. I understand your concern for your children but I would ask you how actively involved in their parenting is your husband currently?
At the moment he’s a stay at home dad.He halfwillingly watches the kids during the day while I’m at work.When I come home I bathe them and prepare supper. He gets some form of income as a part time waiter and taxi driver but he uses all the money on alcohol. He physically and verbally abuses me infront of the kids.(they are 5 and 3 years old).We got a bit of counselling and all the fighting had stopped for a little while but it started again and he shows no remorse for it.Actually boasts that its ok for a man to beat up his wife.I stuck around for so long hoping things would change but i feel like he’s taking me for granted
My husband and I have been married 3 years. Dated for 1 before getting married. He’s 25 now and I am 22. He was very loving and caring, the perfect husband. I was an OK wife but I think it was because of my age and lack of maturity but I knew, and still know that I love this man. 8 months ago we had a very big fight because he kept telling me that I wasnt doing enough, I wasnt being who I needed to be. He needed love and affection. When he almost left me it opened my eyes wide and I realized I had taken advantage of him. He decided to give me another chance and work on the marriage but that he wasnt sure where it would lead. Ever since then I’ve been trying to be the best wife I can possibly be. I changed, I tried. I feel like a different person. But recently we started talking and I was telling him that I dont feel like he’s affectionate enough, or caring, he doesnt tell me he loves me, or that Im beautiful.. anything… So he worked up the courage to tell me he didnt want to be in a relationship with me anymore and he didnt feel the same. He looked at me and the spark, or love wasnt there. Nothing urged him or urges him to try. I’ve offered marriage counseling, praying together, telling him that if he really wants it he needs to try and not be faithless and remember why he fell in love.. Because I did it too you know? I dont want to get divorced, he hasnt brought it up, but I dont want things to end at all. He on the other hand…… So now it feels like the script has changed on me except that I am completely in love with my husband and starved for attention while he wants nothing. But whenever I ask him what he wants to do in terms of staying, leaving, working it out, ANYTHING. He always says ” I dont Know”. That’s the answer for everything. Ive read in many places to give him alot of space and time, and try to start living my life for me but I just dont know how to do that or even where to begin. Unfortunately I revolved my entire life around my husband so now I feel like I have nothing. No one, I am so lost and I dont know how to live with him and give him space at the same time and its killing me… We had sex yesterday and this morning I just felt so bad, like I shouldnt have done it but hes my husband and I love him so much and want him to realize that we’re meant to be. But i just dont know what to do..
Lost, Confused, and Hurting
Dear Hurting, In the vast majority of cases there’s no reason to rush the decision to divorce. At some point you will have to decide if the relationship you have with your husband is the marriage you want. In the meantime, the more you can do to get to know yourself and be true to yourself, the better positioned you will be to make that decision. I have a Report I’m working on right now and I’ll send you an advanced copy because I hope it will help you. Don’t give up on your marriage – I do think you should have dates together. That means going out and spending time with each other, not with your friends or family. It’s too easy when you’re spending time with other people to not really relate to each other and that’s not going to help. Keeping talking but that doesn’t mean asking if he’s decided what he wants to do.
My husband decided that he wants to move out. He said he loves me but is not in love with me anymore and doesnt know how he feels about me or us and wants to separate to do whatever he needs to do and see how he feels. I told him i will support him no matter what and I want us to work. Hes leaving in a couple of days and I must say that being positive and making self changes are not easy. He said he doesnt want to touch me or kiss me or hold hands because he doesnt want to confuse things and give me hope when there might be none. So now it is a waiting game of when he is leaving and hopefully we can agree on some sort of terms to stay in touch, but he might want alot of space. I believe when he leaves will be the hardest part of the process because right now he is still there. Hes been here for more than a week. Hes just waiting for my mom to return so ill have some support since shes the only family I have. Between that week and half until now, Ive been making strides to better myself as a person and wife but ultimately i believe he is still leaving. His mom said I could still make it so he doesnt want to leave but honestly, this looks like a man who even though he looks sad and struggling, his mind is made up about leaving. However I have remained as upbeat and positive as I can to show him that I believe in him, us and whatever decisions he decides to make. Not easy at all let me tell you. I think we both made many mistakes and probably being young doesnt help. But I have faith and hope. I was even thinkin of doing a strip tease for him tomorrow regardless of everything because hes always wanted it and i never did that for him. I am debating that part beacuse of the way hes been acting just friendly. But i want to try many different things. Maybe I shouldnt. Im not really sure. But this is my update from my previous post 9 days ago.
Hurting … mmm … the strip tease makes me nervous. How will you feel if he turns away? How will you feel if you do end up having sex and he still leaves?
Have you talked about the terms for the separation? Is he expecting to be able to date other people? What about you? How about your finances? How will they work?
It will be hard when he leaves and you need to be kind to yourself, understand that you are going through a transition and make time to take care of yourself. I would really like you to see that this isn’t just about if he decides to come back; it’s also about you deciding what you want from your marriage.
Wishing you strength and courage,
Mandy
we have something in common miss hurting, its difficult in my part because we have a child,i still dont know what to do
Theres not much you can do with a man whose mind is made up. All you can do is tell him that you support him and you are on his side. I dont know your situation but a clean break is always best if you ever want a chance at reconnecting. I wish I had all the answers myself. But sometimes if you love something you gotta let it go, as much as you want to cling and hold on for dear life. You cant. He wont let you anyways and youll look like a fool. Im here if you need support.
Hurting,
You seem to be in pretty much the same situation I am in. My husband decided to separate from me just this week and it scares me so much in the same ways that you have mentioned. This whole year has been hard because it was earlier in the year when he told me if he didn’t know if our relationship developed correctly and he wasn’t happy. He said we were too co-dependent. Also for our whole relationship together, he only focused on conforming to me and trying to make me happy and not at all developing himself. It made me look back and realize that he had taken care of me and I probably didn’t reciprocate as much. I see now that I may have said hurtful things, but that was all due to my insecurities and un-treated depression. The moment I realized how much pain it was truly causing him, I knew right then and there I needed to make a change. I started seeing a therapist and got prescribed anti-depressants and I have made huge strides this year. None of the seems to matter to my husband, though. I tried to make things as positive as can be, but that was always met with what seemed to me like annoyance. He would only keep telling me he wants time and space. And it’s only gotten worse in the past month. I have been afraid to even talk to him because most of the time he would end up just yelling at me. I would always remain calm, but he could never handle it. He would say really hurtful things, I would start crying, then he would leave. I have been just wanting him to understand where my feelings and emotions are right now, but whenever I try to, he just assumes I’m making everything all about me and he erupts. It makes me sad that he can’t even answer the question of if he wants working at getting our relationship to a happy, healthy place to be his number one priority.I would even be OK with him telling me that he doesn’t have much affection for me right now, but he wants to do everything he can to change that. But no. All he can say is he wants to do what is right. I feel like I’m just an option for him now. I probably have seen one too many Disney movies, but I thought marriage was supposed to be sacred and special. That you are supposed to be there through the good times and the bad. I’m sure you feel he same way. It is very painful because my life also revolved around him and now he acts like he wants nothing to do with me. I’m in a lot of pain, just as I know you are. I would love if you would write back. Let me know how things are going with you.
I understand what you’re going through and I know how you feel. We’ve been separated for 19 days with almost no contact. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, is that at this point, all your words will be just that to him. Empty words. Trust me I’ve been there. Mine is not mean or nasty towards me, he’s receptive but when they’re at that point. There’s nothin you can say other than “I respect your decisions, I respect what you are going through, Im sorry for the mistakes I’ve made, I love you, I’m here when you want to talk, and I will support whatever decisions you make.” Then, you need to stop contacting him. Yes, it’s hard, I have to literally tell myself to stop and it will only make things worse. You will only be confirming what he “thinks” is right. The first 2 or 3 weeks are going to be tough. You need to be strong. He might even contact you wondering why the sudden change. I don’t know where you are with your faith because I know religion is a touchy subject but reading the bible and talking to god has helped tremendously. If you are of faith I recommend rejoice marriage ministries. If not, you need to start focusing on yourself, and make lasting changes for YOU. Not for him. Sometimes you HAVE to let go. It sucks and it might be unfair, but you can’t hold on to or try to make someone be with you when they’re not on the same page. Some days are really hard for me and some dys are easier. My mom and my bible and my husbands extended family have been my support system. I have no kids so that’s not an issue for me. I dot know if yours will come back. But I personally believe that having faith, talking to god, and changing your attention and focusing it on YOU, and/or kids if you have any, will make a big difference. I’m here for you. And I know that nothing anyone will say can make the hurt go away. But I promise you’ll be ok. Marriage is sacred, and as long as one of you is standing for it, there is always hope. It’s up to you how long you want to have that hope
Hurting and Alone – I’m so glad you’re supporting each other. I’ve always found it reassuring when I’ve found someone else going through the same situation. Hurting shares some really great strategies. I would also emphasize what she says about focusing on yourself.it sounds like Alone, you have been doing this reflecting on your past behavior. I would ask how well do you feel you know yourself? Do you know your values? Do you know what feeds your soul? What makes you laugh? Spending your energy on these things will help prepare you for the future, whatever that may be. Wishing you strength and courage, Mandy
Hurting and Mandy – Thank you so much for the supportive words. Even though it is terrible that Hurting and I are in similar situations, it nice to know there is someone out there who understands. My family have been an excellent support system for me, but unfortunately I do not have any other close friends. My husband and I met when we were teenagers and have been together for 14 years. We developed such a close bond that we basically only hung out with each other. There would be times we would go out in groups, but not too often. We are very close to my sister and her husband and would consider them our best friends. They have been very supportive of me during this time. I’m still confused as to what’s going on in his head, but something tells me that he may regret not having a single life as young adult and for that, he resents me. I also think he is mad with allowing himself to be so co-dependent to me all those years. He is obviously struggling with bigger issues than just me and my family has said as much. I’m glad he has decided to get help for himself as well. This is the first week of our separation and it has been devastating. I am trying so hard to do my own thing and keep myself busy and happy. We also do not have any children, just 2 pups. I’ve been focusing on them more and also my niece and nephews as they tend to brighten my day. Sometimes I feel so simple minded because I don’t understand why things have to be so complicated. I just want to talk through problems and live happily ever after, but it’s obvious that is not going to help matters in this stage of our relationship. I keep trying to tell myself that this will make me a stronger person regardless of what happens in the end. I hope you are telling that to yourself to, Hurting. It sucks we are both going through such a painful time in our lives, but perhaps we can support one another through this.
Your marriage can’t handle talking about the problems right now. It’s much too fragile. We usually try to go into over compensation mode and it’s not necessary right now. Our instincts naturally make us wanna cling but we have to do the opposite. My husband also was and is my bestfriend and perhaps being together TOO much is part of the problem. They feel like they have to break away from that to find out who they are or maybe they feel or felt held back. There’s no real answer until you are able to sit down and talk to him about it but right now is not the time. You’ll only push him away more. This does make you stronger. You will learn perseverance and patience. And you will find out who you are. Take it slow, if you don’t feel like always going out and staying busy, then don’t. Sometimes you need to be in your feelings, just not for too long that you let it get to you. Just listen to the voice in ur head and you’ll know your limits. I’m glad you have dogs and people to help you. You have to try and stay positive even though it won’t look or feel positive. I will pray for you.
I will pray for you, too. You have been so kind and helpful. I would like to continue to remain in correspondence and perhaps we can support one another. Thank you so much.
Hurting and Alone – absolutely love the support you’re giving each other. let me know if can facilitate in anyway such as connecting you two via email 🙂
That would be very nice, if Hurting is also up for it. If not, I completely understand. Whatever she feels comfortable with. No pressure and no hard feelings. Thanks.
Of course 🙂
Sure that would be great I dont mind at all
Hello, I’m actually going through something similar. We were not married but we lived together for 3 years we moved in after 1 year. We are very young but I though he would be the one. Approximately 2 weeks ago he was acting weird so I asked what’s wrong he keep saying nothing I just want to be alone, finally I asked him, do you want to be with me? He said no, he doesn’t love me anymore. I was in shock! I though everything was fine, a couple weeks before that we celebrated my birthday and it was great. After he told me he left the next day. He did not even give me time to do anything I had to tell the landlord we were moving and I had to move everything by my self. However since everything we have in joint we are on the same phone bill, I see en that he was texting this girl, as soon as I asked him, he got super upset. He called me insecure and that she was helping get through this. I hot very upset because why does he tell other people what’s going on, why was I the last to know. We have been separated for 2 weeks and at first I was a mess now I’m ok, the only thing is that I have lost my appetite and I lost 7 pounds. We used to share a car but I’m the one who’s keeping it, I am paying him each week u til I pay him the hall he deserves. Before it seemed like he had everything planned out, where was he going to stay who was going to take him to work, and not I guess since it’s snowing no one wants to to take him. Yesterday he texted me hey babe, I was happy because that’s what he called me so I thought he wanted to get bavj, but when I asked him he said he was just saying hi. I told him it’s not fair for him to play with my heart that it’s either were together or not. He hurt me really bad
But I’m not sure if I’m doing the right thing by distancing my self. Am i being cruel by not giving him rides, but i feel betrayed. What do i do?
No, you’re not being cruel. You’re what you need to do to take care of yourself. Some time apart will help both you consciously decide if this is the relationship you want. Without the conscious intention there’s the danger you’ll reunite and fall into old patterns and some time in the future you’ll be going through this again.
Hi Corina, I know this is difficult for you. Kudos to you for setting your boundaries with your partner. Focus on yourself right now – what makes you happy, what makes you laugh, what feeds your soul. Getting to know yourself and making your needs a priority will help prepare you for your next relationship or even to decide if getting back together is what YOU want. I hope you’re eating better now 🙂
So i never did the strip tease. It just didnt feel right. I did speak to him about the separation but the frustrating part is that I ultimately didnt get many answers. I asked if we could communicate regularly, or at least once a week, or have a date once a week. SOMETHING so we dont lose touch. However, he didnt really want any of it. He said he didnt want to set anything definite as far as talking and going on dates because he didnt want to give me false hope or illusions about something tha might not happen. So he said as far as he knows, for now, this move is permanent because again, he said he doesnt want to make me believe something that might not happen. My mom, his mom, all the adults told me to just let him go and experience what he is asking for because he had told me he loved me but wasnt in love and felt bad because i looked at him the way he didnt look at me and it hurt him to even look at me. He said he just doesnt feel the same anymore. Maybe I changed a little too late because there was a point in time when he cared and wanted us to work but i was so immature that it didnt register and maybe he didnt express it as well as he could have, we both could have done more. So, i made sure to ask him if he was sure this is what he wanted and he said yes it just wasnt easy. I helped him pack, gather all his things, clothes, etc. anything he might need. He cried more than I did if anything. My mom spoke with him in private before leaving which I wasnt too happy with because I didnt want her involved, but parents will be parents. I told him I respect him and his decisions and I understand why he wants this and that I want it for him, I want both of us to be happy and I will respect the fact that he wants space. I said if he wanted to reach out to me or if or when he changed his mind he knows my number and I will never turn him away. My emotions have been on a rollercoaster the last TWO days. Thats right, just 2. I heard it gets easier. Still sucks. All parents have told me not to contact him. Let him initiate it. But the thought of months, or even just 1 passing by and we dont speak, scares me. What if his feelings of not being in love with me solidify? I keep hearing to focus on myself and grow as person and have new experiences so that if we do reconnect somehow or someway we’ll be stronger people with new things to share. Our relationship became a routine, plus issues that end up not being resolved and so forth. All in all, Im sad and hurt, but not mad. I keep telling myself it’s in God’s hands and whats meant to be, will be. It’s just very scary because I love him. He’s the one I want to be with forever. But I feel like the script has changed. I’m ready and he’s not. I pray that time will bring him back. But ultimately, not contacting him scares me. Is this something I should follow thru with? I had some advice from his mom that said the lack of space is what made us drift, we were in a rut. He needs time and space. Time is what scares me.
Dear Hurting – thank you for keeping us posted. I know how difficult this is for you. I would echo the advice you’ve been hearing. Take this time to get to know yourself and reconnect with the things that make you tick and yes, give him his space. Wishing you strength and courage, Mandy
My husband and I have been married 3 years. Dated for 1 before getting married. He’s 25 now and I am 22. He was very loving and caring, the perfect husband. I was an OK wife but I think it was because of my age and lack of maturity but I knew, and still know that I love this man. 8 months ago we had a very big fight because he kept telling me that I wasnt doing enough, I wasnt being who I needed to be. He needed love and affection. When he almost left me it opened my eyes wide and I realized I had taken advantage of him. He decided to give me another chance and work on the marriage but that he wasnt sure where it would lead. Ever since then I’ve been trying to be the best wife I can possibly be. I changed, I tried. I feel like a different person. But recently we started talking and I was telling him that I dont feel like he’s affectionate enough, or caring, he doesnt tell me he loves me, or that Im beautiful.. anything… So he worked up the courage to tell me he didnt want to be in a relationship with me anymore and he didnt feel the same. He looked at me and the spark, or love wasnt there. Nothing urged him or urges him to try. I’ve offered marriage counseling, praying together, telling him that if he really wants it he needs to try and not be faithless and remember why he fell in love.. Because I did it too you know? I dont want to get divorced, he hasnt brought it up, but I dont want things to end at all. He on the other hand…… So now it feels like the script has changed on me except that I am completely in love with my husband and starved for attention while he wants nothing. But whenever I ask him what he wants to do in terms of staying, leaving, working it out, ANYTHING. He always says ” I dont Know”. That’s the answer for everything. Ive read in many places to give him alot of space and time, and try to start living my life for me but I just dont know how to do that or even where to begin. Unfortunately I revolved my entire life around my husband so now I feel like I have nothing. No one, I am so lost and I dont know how to live with him and give him space at the same time and its killing me… We had sex yesterday and this morning I just felt so bad, like I shouldnt have done it but hes my husband and I love him so much and want him to realize that we’re meant to be. But i just dont know what to do..
Lost, Confused, and Hurting
I been married for 20 years and my husband says he Dont love me and he doesn’t feel the same way about me. He already has a foot out the floor . I feel like he decided my life for me. I have not worked in 20 years he is my provider do I’m so confused and scared for myself and my kids. He says he loves the kids but the kids feel like there father hates them because he wants to leave . How do I move on with all of this . My heart is in pieces and feel like I can’t move forward with all of this . Please help me!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Rosie – I understand how frightening and scary this is for you. Since your husband has already said he wants to leave, you need to start preparing for divorce. I do recommend you get a copy of my Untangling From Your Spouse – //www.amazon.com/Untangling-From-Your-Spouse-Prepare-ebook/dp/B00BFYL4LE/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1382551734&sr=8-1&keywords=Untangling+From+Your+Spouse – There are things you need to do to protect yourself. It’s also very important that you seek legal advice. You need to understand your legal position. If you don’t have an attorney then you can call Total Attorneys at 1-877-248-2303 (affiliate).Assuming you’re in the U.S. they can refer you to an attorney in your area. Remember, going through these preparations doesn’t commit you to divorce but they will mean you are better prepared should it come to that. Wishing you strength and courage, Mandy
Rosy, this woman, Mandy is trying to take advantage of your situation by selling you a book! Wake up! All you have to ask yourself is: Have i gain too much weight? Do i take care of myself as in day one? Do i give him enough sex? If you can’t answer all of those questions positively (no, yes, and yes) then you better work hard. Truth said.
Most women, this author no exception, can rationalize all they want about how they were being strong for themselves and their children, but when all is said and done it’s just wind and sails. Their make believe fairytale of marriage is over; it will never happen for them again and they know it so they’ll spend the rest of their lives spinning the fault away. What makes me say this? The cumulative experience of all of my divorced friends. I’m still married now 22 years.
Harleys – not sure where you’re going with this comment but I obviously don’t agree with “just wind and sails.” Nor do I agree with “spinning the fault away.” The end of a marriage is complex and both spouses play their role. I do believe in marriage but don’t believe it’s an endurance event.
You are absolutely right! The end of a marriage is just as you say, complex. Respectfully though, I would assert that because marriage is supposed to be a commitment between strangers for a lifetime it necessarily requires a good deal of endurance to weather the inevitable difficulties and challenges that two personalities living together must share. Without the acceptance of endurance, it simply can’t endure. Isn’t this part of the vows–“As long as you shall live”? If these words are meaningless ritual then the whole process is a useless antiquated sham, and then for what purpose?
I don’t think it’s for us to judge whether a couple has endured enough or worked hard enough to make a marriage work. There are only two people who know what their marriage is truly like and even then they can have vastly different opinions. I also take the view that we do only have one life to live – there are no do-overs so if your marriage is truly not working and you don’t see that changing, why endure? Why not make the change and live to your full potential?
Frankly, I think the meaning of marriage is obscure for most people; the vast numbers of people that ultimately divorce proves that. We are all heavily sold by our culture on the classic western ideal of eternal romantic love and when the dream of being a couple is shattered or eroded away by the realities of life they want a refund, metaphorically speaking. But they discover that they can never get back the full amount and can’t really give as much to the next partner and might therefore have to settle for less and work that much harder to get to the same unattainable ideal that they failed to achieve on the previous round(s). Perhaps they could have “endured” and put that work in to save and/or improve the previous marriage and avoid the pain of divorce altogether. But our society also sells individualism and selfishness to such an extreme degree such that one’s own path and potential supersedes any other, the antithesis of the marriage ideal.
I do agree with you that the realities of marriage often differ vastly from initial expectations. I don’t believe in a single definition of marriage – I think that’s up to the couple to define but I do think there would be fewer divorces if there was more relationship coaching prior to marriage.
Mandy, marriage IS an endurance event, i feel like you are in denial yourself, maybe you got divorced many times, am i right?
Wise thought – marriage maybe an endurance test but I see little point in that if it isn’t also enriching and rewarding for both people. Why would anyone want to say, “I’ve had a miserable, difficult, challenging life. I haven’t lived to my potential and I haven’t explored my dreams. I forgot how to laugh a long time ago. But our marriage lasted?”
My husband and I have been together for 4 years and married for 2.5 of those years. There have been a lot of big lies he’s told me and I learned later… the truth eventually comes out. I remember him looking at me with fear when I learned of one lie in particular 6 months after our wedding. He has a daughter. He was waiting for me to yell and leave him, but I didn’t. Instead I encouraged him to be part of his daughters life even though he said he hated the mother. I stopped wanting to have sex with him. I would take the trash out afterwards, just so that I could cry without him seeing. I felt emotionally detached from him and like he never wanted me to be part of his real life. The life he showed me and shared with me was a facade. He sat me down many many times to talk about how he was not sexually satisfied. Looking back, I was trying so hard to be a good understanding and supportive and forgiving wife that I didn’t talk about how I felt. I didn’t want to make excuses for why I didn’t want to sleep with him often. He was trying to be a good husband and a year later told me he lied because he knew that if he had told me the truth I never would have married him. A year an a half ago I caught him looking for other women to sleep with on the internet. I was SO hurt. I moved out to our new home without him and told him to decide to commit to this marriage and come move into our new home or not. He did not and told me he promised to get us back together. We are still separated. In the last year and a half he has blamed me many many times for our relationship not being mended because he thinks I wont have sex with him often enough. He says he talked to me many times before so why would I change now? I’ve talked to him openly about how I felt and what he did and it goes well… until a couple weeks later when it is all my fault again. He continues to threaten divorce when he doesn’t get what he wants from me and then a few days later acts like it never happened. He tells me he wants to work it out and calls me by pet names of hun and beautiful and then becomes cold and distant again. It is an exhausting cycle. I decided to give him an ultimatum… All or Nothing. I am worried it is going to be nothing. How long should I wait with nothing before I file for divorce myself? If he says All… Im scared he will change his mind a few weeks/months/years in again. Counseling is not an option. What’s a girl to do? Through it all I still love him.
Hi JB – my recommendation/ Spend more time getting to know yourself – your values, your dreams, what feeds your soul and then see if your husband will support you in this. There’s little in what you’ve written that says he loves you for who you are. I have a teleseminar on November 5 – 5 Ways To Know If Divorce Is Right For You – here’s the registration page: //mydivorcepal.com/5ways – please consider registering. It might help you.
I have been reading the comment and all that Mandy is here for is to take advantage of you people situation to gain reputation. The solution is in your OWN speech, give him SEX, fake orgasm, you will not see him anymore looking for women. Common woman use what you have to save your marriage.
i really need help, we been married for 5 years and recently my husband told me he don’t love me, he told me i force him in our marriage because i was pregnant . I told him if he wants separation he should be the one leaving the house, but what he want is he want me out of the house, he really loves our daughter. but i cant leave without my daughter. what should i do, please help me
Reading CJ’s initial post made my stomach turn. I had to read it carefully a couple of times to make sure he wasn’t my husband writing it. I, too, had a ‘come to Jesus’ talk with my spouse a couple of months ago and asked him to move out. He was gone for about three weeks when I agreed to ‘try’ and he moved back. Now, I’m to that point. I passed the point of no return before we separated and now I feel nothing but desire to not be married. There’s no one else for either one of us and I’m confident in that truth for him and know he loves me. But….. I don’t want to do this any more. Makes a pit in my stomach listening to myself talk about my love for my husband but I’m not in love. There’s no connection. It makes me sad to think of what he’s done to our relationship then I feel guilty because I ‘should’ stay longer/try harder/fall in love again. I’m pretending to a point because I don’t want to hurt him, or our kids. But how long do I continue hurting me? I just don’t know.
CL – are you signed up for my teleseminar this coming Tuesday, November 5? //mydivorcepal.com/5ways. I think you would find it very helpful. I will be sending out an audio replay to registrants so if you can’t make the live event, please do register. I have several suggestions that will help you make your decision.
Cl,
I’m in your position and don’t know what to do.
My husband did everything he could to push me away and lose my love for him. I was deeply in love with him.
Now I gave him what he always wanted and now he’s decided he loves me. I’m so miserable and don’t know what to do.
We’ve been married for 23 years with no children. I feel we’re never meant to be together in the first place. Now I’m sitting here wondering where my life went
Hi Teresa,
Are you saying that you no longer love your husband but now he’s decided he loves you?
My advice is to take some time, don’t try to work on your relationship, focus on yourself. Do the work to identify your core values, what’s important to you, what makes you happy, what feeds your soul. Know what your needs are and make them a priority.
Once you’ve done this then you can start to evaluate your marriage – is this the relationship you want? Is it the relationship that allows you to honor your true self? Can you and your husband support each other as partners and not as dependent/co-dependent.
Wishing you strength and courage ~ Mandy
I’m looking for some advice. My wife and I will have been married 20 years next April. 18 of those years have been filled with joy and happiness; I believe for both of us equally.
2 years ago, my wife’s relationship with her mother started to deteriorate quickly; and it had likely been going on for longer than that. My wife’s mother also left my wife’s father after 37 years of marriage. My wife attempted to face her mother and discuss the issues between them but her mother refused; basically not acknowledging my wife as a human being much less her daughter whom she is supposed to love and respect. My wife went into a tailspin. I tried to help but probably pushed her away more than helping. She began drinking a lot, spending inordinate amounts of time with friends who were less than honorable. I eventually saw her as pulling away from me. I think the reality was she was closing herself off to the pain her Mom was causing, but also doing it to me without even knowing it.
My real question is, with all of this going on with her Mom, is it at all possible that she will eventually come back around to her normal self? I realize she has a lot of changes going on emotionally and physically as well so I clearly don’t expect her to act like a wide-eyed school girl who is devoted to me. But it would be nice if when I asked her to go away for a weekend she could say, “yeah, that sounds good…”. Instead she just makes a typical excuse, but I can tell she just doesn’t want to spend that time alone with me.
Thanks
Dear Jafo, You’re right to be concerned. From the sounds of it, your wife would benefit from therapy both about her parents’ divorce and her relationship with you. The two are probably related. Have you asked her if she would be willing to go to counselling with you? What she makes what you feel to be excuses do you follow up and tell her that you feel she’s making an excuse and that you would like to know the real reason? If she’s still drinking then I would suggest that you find an Al-Anon group – they would give you some valuable guidance on coping with the drinking and related behaviors. I wish strength, my friend. This can’t be easy for you.
Hi Mandy,
Thanks. No she’s not drinking and she has cut off ties with the friends that were not good influences. We did go to counseling and I think she has accepted the way her Mom is after denying the reality her whole life. We don’t fight. We’re kind to each other. I guess I should be happy. I have a beautiful wife who doesn’t nag me and we are physically intimate. I just can’t help but feel like she had to make herself cold and distant to get through the things with her Mom. Sort of like proving to herself she really didn’t need her Mom in her life. I think it spilled over to me. So while our day to day is fine, there’s no real looking forward to anything special. It makes me wonder if she is still in love with me or if she is comfortable with us every day but doesn’t really want to risk a weekend or a week long vacation. I think she lost a lot of her capacity to trust because of her Mom and I don’t think she’s wiling to trust me with her feelings even though I have earned that trust. I suppose most men would like to be in my position but I feel like if we’re not close then I’m taking something that isn’t really mine to take anymore.
I’m not a believer in settling or being satisfied with good enough (you only have this life and there are no do-overs) however, I’m also not one for making rush decisions. From what you say it does sound like your wife needs to learn to trust again however, it’s not you. Rather she needs to learn to trust her own judgment and herself. I’m not a marriage counselor but I would recommend that each of you spend time getting to know yourselves again and then share those discoveries with each other. Make time for your needs, what feeds your soul, what activities do you enjoy, what makes you laugh and then look to see what you can share. Don’t give up hope …..
Thanks Mandy – you have helped us a lot. And Hope Springs is on our watch list.
And I meant to add, have you seen the movie Hope Springs with Meryl Streep, Tommy Lee Jones and Steve Carell – it’s a good movie about a couple in a long term marriage who end up working with a counselor to reconnect. But be careful surprising your wife with this … it might be too close to the truth for her to enjoy.
My husband just told me wants a divorce and i don’t want that to hapen i need a solution
Hi James – your request is not a simple one to answer! I would start by asking your husband if there is anything you could do to save the relationship. If he says no, then I’m sorry, your relationship is over. if he says yes, then I would recommend that you both start working with a coach/therapist to first identify the true issues and then to start working on resolving those issues.
I can help coach you in preparing for divorce if your husband says there isn’t anything you can do and I’m about a ten days away from launching that track in my affordable, self-paced, online coaching program – //mydivorcepal.com.
I was with my partner for 7 years and for the last 6 months of our relationship he was sleeping with my best friend who lived right next door after everything came out in the open he told me he didn’t love me anymore so I moved out with our 2 children but even after 3 years apart I’m finding I still seam to have feelings what’s wrong with me
I’ve been married for 10 years and have two children. I have asked for a divorce multiple times throughout our marriage. I’ve never gone through it because he manipulates the kids and makes it harder on them. I’m to the point that I can’t force myself to have sex with him anymore, I don’t feel secure or safe with him, and I don’t trust him emotionally. I’m miserable and I have never felt this depressed
T – Have you had an initial consultation with an attorney to find out what your legal rights are? The more you can find out about what living singly might mean to you, the better you’re going to be able to visualize ending your marriage. That will help you follow through on wish to end the marriage. I would encourage you to check out my self-pace, online divorce coaching program – //mydivorcepal.com/helpme. At $18 a month or less, it is very affordable and I think you would find the content very helpful.
I’m curious about how he manipulates the kids? How old are they?
I feel like a monster most of the time. I have been married 18 years and the first 3 were great but after my son was born everything changed. it was like my husband only saw me as the maid and care giver, he went out all the time and treated me like I was useless and basically made me feel like I owed him for all he has provided. after 10 years I was fed up, went back to work and begged him to go to counseling but he wont go, he promised after a few more years to “try” so we thought maybe we needed a new start we moved hoping a new home & new and area would give us a fresh start but its always the same and now we just have a larger mortgage making it even more impossible for me to afford to leave, also our son is a teenager and a carbon copy of his dad. I am afraid that if I leave he wont come with me and resent me for breaking up the family, when he sees me upset he says dad pays for everything what do you have to be upset about?
My recommendation Ruth would be to put the whole issue of your marriage on the back burner and go to counseling yourself. Spend time getting to know yourself, your values, what feeds your soul, what makes you laugh. When you value your gifts and talents, you’ll be less prepared to let others under value them and based on what you write, neither your son nor your husband value you right now. Wishing you strength and courage,
I’ve been with my husband for 10 years, married for 5 years. He broke up with me a month ago telling me that he doesn’t feel anything for me anymore. He wasn’t madly in love nor happy and excited to see me. He felt fake. All he knows is that he fell out of love. There was no sparks. There were no butterflies. He did not smile. He did not feel joy nor happiness. Just empty and confused. He wasn’t sure if it was a phase, or if he just needed time, or if he was in love with me or just confused with caring for me instead. He then told me that he wasn’t ready to settle down.He felt like he hasn’t been able to do the things he wanted or needed because of me. I always wanted his attention since he was always gone(deployed).
He just came back from deployment November 2012. We were doing fine for a couple of months until I fell into a deep hole. I felt sad, unhappy, and really depressed (gained a lot of weight). He tried to tell me to snap out of it but I couldn’t. During that time he was also stressed out, trying to find a job and was living off of unemployment. Then when he found a job, he had long days and usually came home to no food on the table because I was depressed and was always in bed. He also hated living at my mom’s house. He said it was depressing and was never excited to come home.
He doesn’t know why he feels the way he do. The feeling of not wanting to be with me or having no connection whatsoever. He said we’ve been together for so long that its hard being alone because he can feel the loneliness. He said I was the best thing that has ever happened to him but now he cant even see me in person. He said he’s afraid to lose me but at the same time he doesn’t want to be with me or in a relationship at all.
Broken – Similar to what I said to Corina, I think you should both spend some time getting to know yourselves. Talk a look at my 14 Ways To Get Know Yourself (//mydivorcepal.com/14-ways-to-get-to-know-yourself/). You work through this together or individually but I think it may be a way for you to see what you have in common, how you differ and how you could support each other. I do think it’s smart to seek therapy/counselling but I think couples counselling is more effective if you’ve done the self-work first.
Tomorrow my wife of 13 yrs will be seperating for a month. We have four kids ages 8 to 18 mo, and she is a stay at home mom. In Aug. she asked me during a bday dinner if I would ever try to get in touch with my ex girlfriend. I said doors are closed for a reason. She did however decide to get in touch with her ex. Several weeks later she had become distant began getting into shape. She told me in Oct. that she had been speaking to her ex, and that she had feelings for him, that she was changing, and she no longer felt the same for me. Fast forward to today..She has told me that she is following her dreams (something I never allowed her to do, she says), she has new friends (all friends from before me), and we have not had sex or slept in the same room in four months. Lastly, I tried to give her a hug and tell her we would get through this, but she was physically uncomfortable. Also, she has become quite the social media/texter since September. and during a recent argument she told me she confides in one of the male friends about all our problems. The time in the house over the past four months has been somewhat awkward filled with constant arguments, as I try to gain some traction and understanding about what is going on in her head. She also has started going to bars(4 times in last three months) and stays out real late and ocassionally gets drunk now. I am not sure what to do, I feel like she is to far gone, but I continue to try to rationalize and hold hope that we can fix this. FYI. she considers my checking up on her as being controlling and she has said she wants to be happy and free.
Hello float, your wife is clearly going through some tough times with the kids, Usually, women having children under three years feel to be only there to take care of the baby, just like a maid. Sit her down and let her know it’s now or never, let her know all the single mom out there looking for new husbands and being ran away from from the simple fact they have children, let her know that you are willing to work harder, help her out in household chores more than often, compliment her more, have date nights. You have this man.
Dear Float, There’s little you can do to keep your marriage together when your wife is not interested. I understand you’re not ready to give up on reconciliation (and nor should be) however I do recommend that you have an initial consultation with a local divorce attorney and get familiar with your rights and obligations. Make sure you are taking care of yourself during this time. How are your children doing?
Mandy,
the kids are doing fine. We never argue in front of them. we are telling them today that I am moving out for a month. The plan is to still be in the kids lives. Just giving us space away from each other to stop the arguments. Prior to these last few months we were just fine. I have also decided to keep a positive attitude and not allow those negative thoughts about what she does and to just focus on bettering my situation and being the great father I have always been. If this relationship does completely dissolve, I still want there to be no weirdness or animosity between us
I hope the conversation with your children goes smoothly. Lots of couples do find a physical separation helpful and I think it can really help to bring clarity. I applaud you on your commitment to parenting. I have a sense that whatever happens you’re well positioned to handle it. Please let me know if there’s anything I can help you with. Wishing you strength and courage.
Yes I know it’s good I’m giving my self space but it seems like each days I’d getting harder, like everyday I feel more sad more depressed. He has been texting me and idk what to do he tells me no were not getting back to together, but I don’t understand why does he keep wanting contact. Like we’re over. I just wish I could feel better, it feels like I’m the only one who’s hurting. A couple days ago he asked me to take him somewhere the next day I said no but my mom told me she seen him with a whole bunch of friends at the casino. So I don’t understand if u have friends to go out and do stuff with why don’t they take u.
I think he’s feeling guilty and is wanting to see that you’re OK. If it’s harder for you to see him or communicate with him, then keep your boundaries drawn where they are. Feeling sad and depressed is normal and to be expected but if your feelings persist then you should go visit your doctor to discuss depression and whether medication would help.
I left my husband 6 months ago. I am so lost and learning what it’s like to live life for myself is not an easy task. However every time I tried to allow my husband back in he reminded me why the choice I am making is the right one. He destroyed my trust in him. I was strong enough to tell him I had a lover and he went to confront my lover but did it in front of his wife. That was the ultimate betrayal and the most hurtful thing i have ever experienced. I blame me, for being honest.
Regardless of your husband’s actions, I would encourage you to continue being honest with yourself. What was your role in the ending of your marriage? I would also ask yourself why you’ve chosen to be in a relationship with someone who is married and almost by definition is not available to you? Is this what you’re looking for from a relationship?
Im in a bit of a sutuation.. Together for 5years.. Last two years have been slowly fading more n more. We have one yr old twins.. He has expressed time n time again he doesnt love me but cares a lot for me n wants the best. We decided to work things out for the kids. The last three months have been very hard. We dont have sex we sleep on opposite side of the bed. He works sometimes 7 dayz a week. Im a stay at home mom.. He has told me basically he cant live like this anymore. He wants to leave the house n move on n for me to do the same. Then he says he cant leave his kids n stays. I found messages from girls hes trying to talk to. Should i be upset that hes talking or possibly seeing someone else? I still love him n the thought of him being with someone hurts me n i just ball and cry. I dont know whst else to do. How should i feel? Im so lost. I have no family. Im so alone.
Hi Matilda, No one should be telling you how to feel. It’s important for you to acknowledge all the emotions you’re feeling and allow yourself to feel them. I would then recommend that you start spending sometime getting to know yourself – I have a free download – 14 Ways To Get To Know Yourself available on my divorce coaching site: My Divorce Pal (//mydivorcepal.com). Try not to think about the future until you’ve understand yourself a little better – that will help you make much better decisions. And please, do contact me if you’d be interested in a 30 minute complimentary coaching call.
Hi everyone, Im 9 year married with my husband. After our vacation, I could already sense that something is wrong and just tried to ignore it. Last as i picked my husband up from his party, as we arrived at home he told me that we have a big problem, so i sat beside him and asked whats wrong? Then he told me he wants to us get separated, he told me, he doesnt love me anymore because im fat ( im 5’2 and weighs 57 kilos ). As he married me i weighed 50 kilos. Then he also told me he needs his space and do what he wants to do and travel where he wants to go without thinking of other people, he wants to be spontaneous. My husband is 62 yrs. old and im 33.
After he told me whats in his heart, I was really shocked and just sat infront of him and cried. Then he said, there is no rush for me to get out of his home and for me to find a job immediately. I can still stay in his house and im not to say a word to his family that we are getting separated.
Its weird feeling still staying in one roof and acting that everything is ok. We still sleep on the same bed, watch tv together and very close on the same couch, he still brings me my favorite apple pie every morning.
I cant understand him, but i dont have the guts to ask him whats the real score. Im afraid to received answers that I dont wanna hear.
Dear Rachel,
I don’t think you’re getting the whole story from your husband. I would suggest that you start focusing on yourself – reconnect with the activities you found fun, rediscover what makes you laugh and do start making your own needs a priority. This will be put you in a better position to handle whatever is the real story. There’s a free download on My Divorce Pal site – 14 Ways To Get To Know Yourself that might help you. (//mydivorcepal.com).
Also, I strongly recommend that you consult with an attorney about your legal rights in this situation. Knowing this will also put you in a stronger position for handling your separation.
It’s interesting that he doesn’t want you to say anything to his family … it’s as if he’s embarrassed by his decision and he’s trying to control you. You are not obligated to keep his secrets …
My husband of 28 years told me that he has been unhappy for the last 18 years and wants a divorce. I asked him to go to marriage counseling and he said that he would think about it. Should I try and convince him or is this a losing battle?
Wow! That must have been extremely difficult for you to hear. Did he give you no indication before? I would try to encourage him to take this slowly and to consider a separation before divorce. I would recommend that both of you do individual therapy before you do couples therapy. For him, it might help bring clarity around the source of his unhappiness, how much of that has to do with him and his own development rather than the marriage. For you, I would focus on getting to know yourself, what makes you happy, what are your values, what are your strengths, what feeds your soul. I think when you know this you have a better foundation for crafting your relationship and seeing how possible it is for you to stay together.
Seriously, you’ve been together for 28 years … you can take some time to work this out. Did your husband say how long he’s been thinking about this? Who has he been talking to? Is there a third party involved?
Wishing you strength and courage,
Mandy
He always told me that he doesn’t believe in divorce, but he clarified it by adding ” when you have children” My youngest is a freshman in college, so my husband told me that we will divorce when she graduates. But in the meantime we are to live in the same house and act as if nothing is wrong in front of our children. My problem started 18 years ago when my sister died at the age of 33, 2 months after she was married because of smoke inhalation from my parent’s house fire. She was staying at my mothers house because my father had just died, I shut down emotionally and never got over her death. In December of this year I found out my husband was unhappy. I offered to go to marriage counseling with him but he told me to go to individual grief therapy alone and that he would have to see changes in me before he commits to therapy. I asked him again a week ago to go to marriage counseling together, he said that “he would think about it” How long should I wait, should I ask him again or does “I’ll think about it mean NO?” Thank for your input, it helps.
I don’t think you can put a specific time frame on it. You know your husband well enough to know if he’s saying what he truly feels or is saying something to placate you.
Have you gone to grief therapy? How has that helped you? I really would recommend the individual therapy before couples counseling.
Wishing you strength and courage,
Mandy
Hi Mandy,
Yes, thanks for asking, grief therapy is working and he did notice changes in my behavior. We are spending more time together and we don’t argue. But there is a coldness which makes me think that if my husband has made up his mind to divorce me there is nothing I could do to change his minds. He said my going to therapy does not mean that there is a prize at the end of it, meaning couples therapy. I don’t know if I can continue living with a man that wants to divorce me for 3 more years until our youngest graduates. It would be torture but it would be worse for my daughter if I left.
Dear annl, I’m actually encouraged by your reply because instead of this being about waiting to see what your husband will do, you’re expressing concern about whether this is going to work for you and that’s really important. It says you’re starting to recognize your own needs and to make them a priority. Well done! Staying together until your daughter graduates might be possible but you would need to figure out what needs to change to make this viable. I’d be happy to talk to you about this, if you like … I offer a complimentary 30 minute consultation. You can contact me using this form: https://sincemydivorce.com/contact/
Well things have gone from bad to worse, I found a motel receipt in his coat pocket and confronted him. He admitted to the affair and said that he loves her. I found out that he sees his married ex-girl friend from 30 years ago every Monday! He also said that he will not end the affair but is willing to attend the Retrouvaille weekend with me to see if we can reconcile. Should I attend or divorce him ASAP!
It sounds like your husband may want to stay married (he doesn’t believe in divorce) AND keep his girlfriend. You need to decide if this is the marital relationship you want and there is a big difference between want the relationship and settling for it because you think that’s all there is.
I offer a free 30-minute consult and I’d be happy to talk to you about this more. Please contact me if you’re interested. https://sincemydivorce.com/contact/
call me we can have coffee and talk about our spouses typical crap they are giving us! I will just say I live in California north of San Francisco!
Hi Don – I do think it’s very helpful to find a support group. I would look for a group that is lead by a professional who can help guide you through the emotions you’re experiencing. Try checking on Meetup.com.
Thank you I will check that out. I just found your reply on this
Hi….after 22 years of marriage I can’t stand my husband. Sure we’ve had our up’s and down’s but he has hurt me over and over again and I am a stupid woman because I keep believing his pack of lies. our marriage went down fast three years ago after seeing our daughter hit by a truck. She had multiple injuries and even died twice but she is a live and a miracle. Well the trauma of seeing her hit sparked celiac disease in me. I got sick very sick…bound to the sofa with 70/40 blood pressure, losing weight down to 87 pounds and my husband lived in a truck for six weeks because I could not fight celiac disease and him also. I was dying and he wasen’t there for me. After so many weeks he promised he changed and would be a better husband and dad. A year later, my health is much better as I’m on the SCD diet and am up to 115. For the last year, he has distanced himself from us and just wants to argue all the time with me and our daughter. Every single month he does this and after he argues with us then he goes off on his own and then about a week later we make up. During this time I cry and scream cry as I want to believe him when he says he wants to change. I feel all alone trying to take care of my children and fight this horrific disease and…I’m so hurt and sad that i just don’t know what do to! I feel used as after we are intimidate one to three days later he gets mean towards me. Then it escalates into him going off on his own (he don’t leave this house) just don’t talk. I don’t think he loves me and when I needed him the most he was not there…I did everything a stay at home mother would do but when I got sick…..he didn’t stay true to those vows…I’m confused and deeply hurt and don’t what to do….
Hurting – I would suggest that you try to put the question of your marriage on the back burner for now. With your own health challenges and your daughter you have enough to deal with. Focus on yourself, spend some time getting to know yourself again – what makes you laugh, what makes you happy. You do need to draw some boundaries with your husband … that might mean living separately under the same roof, setting limits on what treatment you will and will not accept but don’t discuss what’s happening to your marriage ….Once you’ve spent some time on yourself, you’ll be in a stronger position to decide the type of relationship you want and if your marriage can be that relationship. You’ll also be in a better position to go through couples counselling if that’s something your husband would agree to. I have some suggestions for getting to know yourself in my free download available at My Divorce Pal: //mydivorcepal.com/.
Also, I do offer a complimentary 30-minute coaching session during which we could talk about this in more detail, perhaps focusing on drawing boundaries. If you’re interested, please use the contact form to contact me: //mydivorcepal.com/contact/
Thank you so much for taking the time out to respond to my post. Words cannot fully describe how grateful I am for your advice. Yes I need to find what makes me happy, I will be downloading your information about getting to know yourself and will be getting signing up for your coaching session which I really need. Again thanks a lot.
My wife had an emotional affair that turned out to be a scam in which she has lost a lot of her money her father left her and it has left me very angry with her not so much because of the scam but because she is now in chat rooms talking to strange guys and one guy who is married with 2 little ones and is 43 and constantly complains about his wife wants to meet her and even called her on her cell phone. My response to all of this is I joined a great church I love and joined a gym lost over 40 pounds and have toned up! She is very defensive if I ask her anything about who she chats with and tells me they are just guy friends and she is going to be 59 soon but tells all of them she is 42. I told her if she meets that guy I will file for divorce and he does live 4 hours away. I will also tell his wife as I have his cell number and will trace it! I told her what kind of man would cheat on his wife and he has 2 little ones! She also told me she loves me but is not in love with me but is trying to get it back! TYPICAL BULLSHIT LINE!
Hi Don,
Have you and your wife sought counselling on how to work at reconciling? Are you interested in reconciling? I agree with you that her hanging out in chat rooms is not helping to save your marriage. And it doesn’t sound like the two of you are doing any activities together that could help rekindle your relationship.
Thank you for your kind words! I have tried but she tells me this is what she wants so I do my own thing and sometimes with my little jack russell Winston who is my buddy. It is not much of a marriage in my book but I just keep on trying until I will get fed up. Thank you again Mandy
Don … what are you struggling with? By your own admission, it’s not much of a marriage. What is holding you? Is it that you don’t want to be the one who says it’s over? You only get one shot at this life and this the way you want to live it?
Yes you are right I guess most of it is for financial reasons and we still get along but it is not much of an emotional bond. 24 years is hard to let go especially since I am a one woman man. I have already told her I am miserable in our relationship and while I clean up the yard she sits on her phone all day! Yes not much of a relationship!
Don – I get that divorce usually means less money afterwards but I would urge you to take a good look at your finances and get an accurate picture of what they would look like if you were to separate.
When you say that you’ve told your wife that you’re miserable and while you’re outside she’s inside chatting on the phone, it sounds like both of you are waiting for the other to make the decision. It’s like you see this as being the bad guy. In your situation, I see it as being the one who has the courage to make a change, the courage to create the possibility to live your life to your full potential.
If separating is too scary for you because you are a “one woman man” then I encourage you to focus on getting to know yourself, developing your own interests and activities. As you do this your self-confidence will grow and your social circle will increase. Focus on developing friendships and not dating. Stop looking to your wife to make you happy. Take responsibility for making yourself happy – who knows, if you do this your wife’s love for you may be rekindled?
Hi Mandy I hear everything you are saying and yes the drama between us has calmed down. As far as the finances goes no I do not need her money as I make a very good income by myself.
I think it is more we have been together so long that we are afraid to be apart.
She has told me she could not imagine living without me as I have done so much for her. We seem to be working it out but we do have our down times to.
I guess time will tell!
Hi Mandy yes you are right but I think I am holding on because we have been together 24 years and it is hard to let go just yet. I still love her but I am getting tired of her being on chat rooms.
We had a talk today and she told me these guys are just friends and she does not chat with very many. She said she gets tired of my head trips and I told her I get angry sometimes because of all this chat room b.s.!
I told her I want more of a relationship with her doing things on the house working out and walking the dogs ect. She agreed so I will see what happens. I know there are women out there that want a decent man to enjoy life with. When I asked her about a month ago if I get the money to buy you out on the house will you leave? Her reply was yes. Then about an hour later she texted me and said I could not imagine living life without you so please lets work on this!
I will try until we both realize it is or is not going to work. Sometimes it seems so great and other times it seems so futile! Again thank you for your reply.
I am posting because I am the one who has fallen out of love, and respect. Over the years, my husband has exhibited a lot of angry/depressed behavior that flares up at times in huge ways or even in small ways, like when his car won’t start or something is not working in the house. There is just constant underlying anger, and because of this, I have been walking on eggshells trying to keep him in a good mood. He lost his job because of his anger, from what I can tell of the story told to me (and he told one of his bosses to Eff Off). He recently had our boys (7 and 3) in the car and he got angry because someone pulled out in front of him. He then decided to go on a high speed chase with the boys in the car; our three year old was not strapped in for some ungodly reason. That is when I really got freaked out. It could have been a very horrible ending. The boys told me about it, and they thought it was “awesome.” I was furious with my husband (he apologized but thought it wasn’t that big of a deal), and still am, and it sort of feels like the last straw. That was right before Christmas, so I just tried to push it down.
Then, on New Year’s Eve, I got into a discussion with another (male) friend of mine who is ending his marriage, and I thought, “Why am I staying? I don’t even know if I love him anymore.” This male friend was more kind and considerate to me then I had felt from my husband in quite awhile.
Since that time, I entered therapy for myself. I asked my husband to go on his own, and he is not interested. He says he will not be able to change and if I am this unhappy we should just split. Therapy has been good, and when I was in the first session talking through the many stories of his anger, it was like I didn’t even recognize my voice. I thought, “Who is talking here? This is crazy that I put up with this!”
Additionally, I make all of the money and am supporting all of us. I helped him open his own business, and it is only surviving because of me. Another issue is our sex life…not existent. Not great when it happens
which is rare. He says he has a low sex drive due the “meds I make him
take” for his depression.
He is good with the boys, in terms of helping out, but not the most engaged or playful with them. He always says I could do a lot worse and he is a great husband…Hmmmm?
After 12 years of marriage, I can honestly say that I am not happy, and not sure I am in love anymore. If he is not going to get help, what is the point? But I don’t want the boys to suffer from a broken home.
At the same time, I am fantasizing about a life of fun,freedom, and maybe finding someone someday who is kind and fun…I just don’t think marriage should be this much pain and suffering. Thoughts?
Dear Very Confused,
I’m glad you’re going to individual therapy. I think it will help you make your decision. I think you’re at the stage where you need to find out as much information about divorce in your situation as you can. This will help you make a more realistic assessment of what life might be like if you did divorce.
You should definitely have a consult with an attorney to find out your legal rights and obligations. This is just an initial consult and definitely don’t retain the first attorney you meet with. When you go, you should be prepared with the key concerns you have. I suspect one of them might be about your business another could be concerns about his anger management and parenting.
I would also start trying to visualize what shared parenting might look like. You used the term “broken home” – that’s not a term I use because it is so negative. Instead, your boys would have two homes, they are still a family, just rearranged and different from before.
You’ve expressed concern about your boys being in a divorced family – I’m going to challenge you to consider how they are experiencing life now? What impact is your relationship with your husband having? How might this change if you were living apart?
I have a free audio program, “5 Ways To Know If Divorce Right For You” you might be interested in: //mydivorcepal.com/teleseminars/5-ways-to-know-if-divorce-is-right-for-you-registration/.
I also have an self-paced online divorce coaching program – My Divorce Pal – the first track is devoted to deciding if divorce is right for you with ten different modules. The next track is on preparing for divorce. I think you’d find both of these very helpful and the program is very affordable – $18 a month or less: //mydivorcepal.com/course-overview/.
And another option … I offer a complimentary 30 minute coaching session – I’d be happy to talk to you. Use the contact form to contact me: https://sincemydivorce.com/contact/
Wishing you strength and courage,
Mandy
Hi I also would like an honest assessment. My wife and I have been married 25 years. Two weeks before our 25th anniversary she asked me to move out, saying she loved me but not like a husband. I was 75% of the fault, I had/have an addiction issue that caused me to become unemotionally attached. I really woke up when she asked me to leave, I have been part of a group for 60 plus days now and am getting one on one counseling. To add to this my wife has some long term family issues that have eroded her trust to men. She likes to say she wants to be an it. We have been living apart for two months now. We see each other with our grown children maybe three or four times a week for dinner, holidays etc. We don’t fight and I am trying to give her space. Trying to show her I can and have changed, She took her rings off right away, I am keeping mine on as we have not even legally filed. I am being told by my kids she cries often saying she misses me. I am told it can take six month to a year to win back her trust. I was verbally abusive during the marriage and have apologized in earnest. At this point she has not shown any signs of wanting to work things out or wanting to divorce. Do I keep going in my direction? I do love her and want things to be right with us, but if loving her means letting her go, I also need to do that with dignity.
Hi Dat,
Kudos to you for the commitment you’ve made to your marriage and trying to work through this. I would say keep at it. It’s taken 25 years for you to reach this point – it’s not realistic for trust to be restored and issues to be resolved in 60 days. I know staring at an uncertain future is unsettling and we all crave certainty but you really will have to take this step by step, one day at a time. If you pressure your wife into making a decision I’m afraid she’ll choose out. Is your wife working with a counselor? I do think individual counseling is helpful prior to any couples counseling. I know you probably don’t want to hear this but I would recommend that you prepare to live separately for a year and try not to make a decision about divorce during this time. Keep an open – if you both really want the marriage to last, I believe you can find a way.
Thank you for the quick reply, yes my wife is talking to a therapist and has been for a couple months. She is going through a lot, her Mom died a couple months ago, she just had ankle surgery and is going in during September for a bigger operation. I will be there as much as her comfort allows. I have no problems waiting it out 6-12 months. She is worth the wait. I also need to stay away from my own addiction and continue to make changes. I would love to hear more and will search to see if you offer online classes etc.
Hi DAT,
My focus is on helping people navigate divorce with respect and dignity so I’m not the best to help with working on a relationship. However, I can recommend Geoff Laughton at //geofflaughton.com – he specifically works with men on improving their relationships. If you contact him, please let him know I referred you.
And, if you and your wife do ultimately choose divorce please consider my divorce coaching program and/or working with me one-on-one.
Wishing you strength and courage,
Mandy
i’m in the same boat. been married for 10 years and have two beautiful boys 2 and 5. Our marriage hasn’t always been easy but we seem to come out the other side. After our second child I had reoccurring thoughts of divorce and during the past year those thoughts have been occurring on a frequent basis. He’s a great father to our kids and does his part in the household chores. He’s had issues throughout our 10 years of very low self esteem and communication. Our views of religion are very different and our sense of humor as well. I came to the realization that I love him but maybe not in love anymore. We are like roommates. I cringe at the fact of him touching me and wish it was someone else. I’ve stated my unhappiness with his self esteem, underlying anger, and for me his lack of humor ( which to me is a big deal) He loves me very much and will lasso the moon if that’s what it takes but I just don’t feel the same. I’m having a grass is greener moment. His issues have gotten better over the years but i’m tired of fighting the same fights and having the same results. I’m at a teetering standstill. I have this great guy on the outside looking in, so why cant i find those feelings to reciprocate?
Dear Teetering – Unfortunately it makes it easier to decide on divorce when your spouse has mistreated you such as emotional or physical abuse or infidelity. It seems much harder to make the decision in situations like yours where you feel you no longer love your spouse. Sometimes it’s because we’re carrying around a mental list of when we think divorce is acceptable. So I would encourage you to look at your views on divorce, where your views came from and whether you still feel they’re valid.
Next, I suggest you look at your top ten values in a relationship such as family, honesty, sense of humor, come up with some examples of behaviors that would embrace those values and then look to see how your spouse embraces those values.
Is your spouse willing to work on his self-esteem and anger issues? Would he go to a therapist? If not that in itself tells you what you can reasonably expect for the future. If yes, then there is the possibility for change.
Have you listed to my free “5 Ways To Know If Divorce Is Right For You” program? It’s available here: //mydivorcepal.com/teleseminars/5-ways-to-know-if-divorce-is-right-for-you-registration/
I have been with my husband for 14 years married for 6 and a year ago I met someone elsee we started out as friends helping each other out with marriage problems and we slowly o he gave me the attention that i wasnt getting from my husband and vise versa and over time we fell in love so I told my husband and we decided to go to counselling to fix things and everything was going good until I found out that I had thyroid cancer so understandablely things changed because of stress and the change in positions around the house …he had to start taking care of our two kids and the house but once everything was back to normal I started telling him that he needs to start back into what we discussed in therapy and he completely ignored me and now 4 months later I don’t feel the love for him that I once had anymore I explained to him that I didnt know how I feel and that I wanted a trail separation! He says he can change and give me the attention I need from him but I don’t think he can he’s never really been caring and emotional and I think that if we tried fixing things that we will be right back where we are right now and I don’t want that anymore….but my decision to leave is hard to mAkers because we have two young kids I feel like my heart has made a decision but my mind just can’t seem to get my body to walk out the door we have been on a trial separation for a week now and I still don’t know how I truly feel and what I should do!
So confused – I know you want to make a decision but I think you should give it some time. A week is too soon to expect the clarity you’re looking for. Whatever happens you are going to be parenting with your husband for a long time. You can use this time apart to work on your parenting skills and test out how you would share parenting duties should you decide to divorce.
I would also recommend that you spend time taking care of yourself – take a look at my free download for some suggestions: //mydivorcepal.com/14-ways-to-get-to-know-yourself/
Getting to know yourself better will definitely help you decide what you’re looking for in your marriage and if you and your husband can reconcile.
Wishing you strength and courage,
Mandy
I am recently going thru a separation. My wife had an affair back in the beginning of our marriage. We have been married for 24 years. For the last year an half I have not loved her. She has always been jealous, either if me and my friendships or family relationships. 9 months ago I had an affair and she found out about it. We have tried to work things out and the last two months we have been getting counseling. Since the counciling started I moved out and just recently moved back in the last week. I Stoll don’t love her, I don’t have feelings for her. When we had sex recently there was no emotion from me. Every day I ask why am I trying to make something work when she believes it is all my fault. What should I do? I can’t stay in this much longer.
Hi Bob. A few thoughts for you …
Why did you have your affair? Were you looking for something from that relationship that is missing from your marriage?
How did your wife react when you were separated? Did living apart change of the dynamics between the two of you? What prompted the move back together?
When you ask yourself why you keep trying to make your marriage what is the answer?
Have you done any research on divorce? What it might mean for you legally? What it might men for you in terms of your lifestyle and your family? It can be hard to make the decision to end your marriage when you don’t have a clear idea of what your life would be like.
I do have some resources you might be interested in – there’s my free audio program, “5 Ways To Know If Divorce Is Right For You” – //mydivorcepal.com/teleseminars/5-ways-to-know-if-divorce-is-right-for-you-registration/
My online divorce coaching program – My Divorce Pal – has a whole track devoted to deciding if divorce is for you. There are ten different modules that explore different areas of doubt. You can find out more details on that here: //mydivorcepal.com/course-overview/
And I also offer a free 30-minute consult during which we can explore your question in more detail. Please contact me to set this up: //mydivorcepal.com/contact/
Wishing you strength and courage,
Mandy
I would appreciate some advice on current situation. My
partner and I have been together for 3 years. It’s been a hard few years,
losing family members from both sides, lack of money due to being student away
from home, an abortion 3 months into the relationship and a car crash which
left us with no car and very little freedom. For a while after the abortion I
was hurt and angry and took it out on him as he was the closest person to me. I
would say horrible things to him and attempt to make him so angry. One time I
got him so angry that he hit me, something that he had never done before in his
life. This shocked him and he believed that he was an evil person and deserved
punishing. I told him that I had forgiven him and that we should move on. Since
then he has been in downward spiral mentally. He stopped exercising, going out
with friends and eventually he stopped all affection and intimacy. When I asked
him why he didn’t want to be close to me he stated that he didn’t deserve me
and that being close to me felt wrong as he had done a terrible thing. After a
few months I suggested we should see a counsellor to see if we could sort this.
We went three times in Aug/Sept 2013 and then stopped due to limited money and
pressures at work for him and university for me. After just three sessions the improvement
was great he was hugging me and sleeping in the same bed after 2 months of
sleeping in the spare room. We both knew that the issues hadn’t gone away and
that we would need to start counselling again this month Apr 2014 when I
qualified and started my job as we would have money to do so. In Jan 2014 he
started to become more distant again and we haven’t spent a full day together
since new years eve due to work. We both knew this would be temporary as I would
start my job soon meaning he wasn’t working 6-7days a week. Two days ago we went to view a house to rent
as our lease runs out soon. The thought of moving into a big house freaked him
out and he said that he needed time to think if he wanted to move as it was a
big step. Today he said that he doesn’t know if can commit and he was scared of
moving into that house and that he thinks it’s better if we don’t stay
together. He said that he loves me very much but not the way he used to. Our
love for each other isn’t the same as it was before as at present there is no
affection and intimacy which I had hoped we would regain once we had money to
see the counsellor and days off to spend quality time together. Something that
has been lacking a lot in this relationship is quality time. I’m just so
confused we went from viewing a house to splitting up within a day. Looking
back I see that I should have sorted our issues before suggesting moving into a
big house because now I’ve lost him forever.
Dear Nat – It sounds like you really want to keep this relationship together although I’m not sure if it’s because you want to be a in a long term committed relationship or you want to be with your partner.
.
You say that “I should have sorted out our issues before … ” The reality is however that you can’t make this right on your own. And yes, the move to a bigger house sounds like it was the catalyst for your partner to evaluate your relationship.
I think it would be really helpful for you to do counselling on your own at this point. It would help you get clarity on what you want in a long term relationship and if you think your partner is the right person for this. If you do still want to be with your partner after this, then I think you’d be able to work on reconciliation. The chances of this being successful would be greatly increased if he also sought individual counselling.
Figured I would join in on the discussion. Me and my wife have been married for 6 months almost, have been dating for 4 1/2 years. She has a child from a previous relationship that she had at a young age. We dated for about a year before she got pregnant with our son. 6 months before we married I found a text on her phone from a random guy I had never heard of. All previous texts had been deleted. When I confronted her, she at first said he was a friend but eventually changed her story to him being a friend that she confides in and vents to all while he tells her that she deserves so much better, yada yada yada. I am a very loyal guy and thought this to be a betrayal of trust in a relationship. While Im home with the kids, shes out talking to this clown. Well she relized the error of her ways and told my how she didn’t relize what she had and didn’t want to lose everything. So fast forward and we got married about 6 months later. The wedding was great, but we had argued a lot during the planning for it, it was a very stressful period, and a lot of things were said in the heat of the moment. Once we got married tho, I felt as if all the stress had lifted and we could finally enjoy each other again. The holidays fell around this time and she had picked up a lot of hours and stress at work. I am laid of seasonally so I was the one at home picking up all the slack and taking care of our kids. After the new year we finally got to go on our honeymoon and had a blast. She admitted that she hated her job, the long hours, little pay and little time to see the kids. She wanted a career change so she could focus on our family again. When we came back tho it all went downhill. She did nothing but work. Everything she told me she was going to do never happened. We started arguing more. She would always throw in my face about how she had her first daughter so young and never got to experience being that age and I told her she prob should never have gotten married or had kids, to which she kind of agreed. Since then she has become a different person. She would tell me how she wants so much more. She would say she still loves me and is very torn and depressed. Shes never got to be alone she says. Needs space to think. Pretty much it seems she wants me out of the equation so she can pretty much do as she wants. Sorry, but you have 2 kids!!! When I would give her space and more, she would tell me how much she hates all this and so one, but would talk and act a little flirty. One night she came home late and we both stayed up ate fast food and had a pretty good conversation. the next morning I saw that “he” was talking to her again. I very calmly flipped out and left. Time passed and I gave her her space and then she came home one night when we didn’t have the kids and told me that she wanted to make things work and couldn’t bear to not be with me. Since then it has been a 180. She is distant. Always hiding her phone or keeping it close by. If I walk into a room she walks in to take her phone. Shes still talking tto this guy who she claims is just a friend. I can tell when Ive seen his messages that he clearly wants her. She says that she doesn’t want him and is just friends. If she wanted him she could’ve had him is what she says, and I somewhat belive her, but why all the secrecy???? It sucks because Ive lost my best friend and I fear Ive lost her for good. She says there is still a part of her that wants this to work, but thinks its a waste of time. If she wants this to work then why isn’t she doing anything to try? I don’t know what to do or where to go from here. The house is in my name and I pay the mortgage. She doesn’t make enough to live on her own with 2 kids. She could go back to her parents I think while she finds a place but doenst want to. I feel she is staying to see what happens, but I just don’t know. My head is all over the place and I either want to move on or make this work. I never got married to divorce. Husband and wife are supposed to work through their problems, or at least try. We have been married 6 months and shes ready to quit?!?! That’s not the woman I married or fell in love and started a family with
Dear What Went Wrong – I don’t thinking any of us get married to get divorced. On the surface it seems like your wife may be stringing you along while she prepares to leave. it doesn’t sound like she is emotionally committed to you. You talk alot about what she wants but less about what you want? Is this the person you want to be with?
There’s a couple of things I would recommend.
I would suggest you start by identifying your core values, what’s really important to you. And then compare your values to your wife’s – how closely aligned are you? Relationship experts agree that relationships based on shared values have greater sustainability than those based on shared activities or interests.
Then I would also suggest that you explore your beliefs about divorce and where they came from. You may be holding on to your marriage more because of your expectations about marriage and divorce than the reality of what is going on.
My third point is more of a caution – don’t allow the financial concerns to rule out the possibilities. You’re kind of saying that she can’t move out because she can’t afford a place on her own and she doesn’t want to live with her parents. That’s not the right reason to stay together. Figure out what you want in an ideal world and then figure out a plan to get there … it may take a few steps but don’t rule out the possibilities.
If you’d like to talk about this more, please contact me for a complimentary 30-minute consult : https://sincemydivorce.com/contact/
Sorry, I hated your article. I am going through this. I love my spouse, and I hear all the right words. But, I can tell its not the same.
i have been married for 30yrs and my marriage was perfect for most of them. We have two wonderful kids and one grandson….the last 10 years the marriage has gone down hill for me… I dont love my husband like a husband anymore I love him as my friend.. I dont want to have sex and I dont want to have anything to do with him in the area… I have found me someone special in my life that i believe is my soul mate… I want to leave my husband, but do not want to hurt his feelings and destore my family… does anyone have any suggestions on how i can let him down easy …
Well its nice to know other peoples advice i am in my late 20s and my husband just told me yesterday that he doesnt love me he spends all his time on the computer talking to his friends in which he treats them way better he said i have feeling i like you i actually hate this stuation he doesnt want to leave me hanging. Anyways i just feel like this is the end why kiss and touch a person or led a lie i feel like everything was just bs i mean its all meaningless now i dont get why we live in place where there are people who want to waste you time and not be truthful. Its quite sad im just annoyed and thought everything had a reason to me its like if you had no emotions then i wouldnt have shared my life and did what i did for him becuase i had love and to know there was none just goes down the drain. He never wants to do anything yet o gave him all the support and provided him with a home when he had no one else. He talk to randoms online and he says want to travel with me you know what i have to say is thanks for nothing…
Hi everyone and thanks for sharing your life experience. We have been married with my husband for 14 years, we have beautiful four kids, 4, 10,11 and 12 years old and we are going through painful experience. My husband was smoking weed on and off for past 20 years. This January he quit and was emotionally very distant and started to behave as my roommate. He told first that he is doing this for ” us” but I felt betrayed and pushed away- I gave him space, support always telling him I’m on his side went to see a holistic healer to get some natural supplements for him-I did my best, but more I did more he withdraws. Then we begun a “war’ it was a nightmare a power struggle- taking all the negativity we would experienced together through our 14 years- we both had a looong list and after we were tired and depressed that we didn’t have more energy to fight, he told me that he likes me but he doesn’t love me. He proposed a marriage therapy, he wants to get help, he told me he feels empty and has nothing to give me right now but he wants to take care of kids-he is giving and caring father- but I feel betrayed again( he betrayed me two times with another woman two years ago) I feel I ‘m settling for less and need to stand up for myself but his caring for the kids makes it difficult as well as my dependency on him it takes a lot of work for two of us to take care of our four kids, we both work and share the responsibilities. I have enough of my own deceptive behavior but it hurts both way -knowing that he doesn’t love me and idea of breaking up with him. Feeling stuck. Can you help with some advice please!Iveta
Hi Iveta – Before you go to marriage therapy I would recommend you go to individual counselling to understand what you want from your life – you should both go to individual counselling. Once you know who you are, what’s important to you and what you want then you can start evaluating whether this is possible from your marriage. You may even try a period of separation.
I’m reading between the lines but it seems you’re almost saying that you would end the marriage but you’re not sure how would cope with the kids. Your husband sounds like he’s committed to your children – that means there’s a high probability that the two of you could work well together living apart and still supporting each other as parents. I would encourage you to think about how you might share parenting responsibilities if you were to separate – it might not be as impossible as you think.
I hope you’ll check out the free resources I have: https://sincemydivorce.com/publications/. My online divorce coaching program has a whole track on deciding if divorce is the right choice. You can find out more details here: //mydivorcepal.com.
And I’d be happy to talk with you one-on-one – I offer a complimentary 30-minute consult. https://sincemydivorce.com/contact/
Wishing you strength and courage,
Mandy
I have been unhappy for several years as the marriage has deteriorated. I have been married 30 years with three grown children and 4 grandchildren. I have grown to not like my husband and all love has been gone on my part for some time. I know this is not fair to him, but I just look at or listen to him and wonder why he is my husband.
I could pick over our lives together for all of the hurt, but I worked through those in silence over the years. I have tried to address concerns with him at various time over the years, but he has not listened as he tends to center on his own happiness and fulfillment. He tends to over talk me in any conversation and if I begin a conversation he soon turns the conversation to his own interests. He is an “authority” on everything and his job ( when employed) is of the highest importance in any conversation with friends or family.
I am the household breadwinner, a master’s level clinician, and put the needs of my family before my personal happiness. I have done this as one of our children is special needs and remains at home as he may be for the rest of my life. This adult/child has a positive relationship with my husband, and frankly, it is difficult to consider parenting this young person without a partner. I think this is the only area of our lives that he thinks of another before his own wants/needs.
I have recently found the situation more intolerable as my husband has negative conversations about me with his mother. His mother then calls my daughters and tells them things like I am pressuring their dad (when he is unemployed) and that he needs time to rest and enjoy life. My daughters defend me, but I find it untenable that they are even put in that situation. I overheard my husband telling his mother (he was downstairs and I was upstairs at the time, but he speaks so loudly when on the phone) that I “was aggravating, but he’d keep me.”
I overheard another loud phone call recently between my husband and his brother. He was pontificating over the state of their middle brother’s financial woes (all due to the lack of a dependable mate). My husband then called my name and said I was not a cheerleader type, but he could depend on me so we were suitable mates. I later told my husband that I had overheard parts of the conversation and what did he mean by the statement. He told me that I should not listen in on his private conversations and went back downstairs to watch TV.
We divided our finances a few years ago as I became tired of being his ATM. We did not divide financial responsibilities as his income was limited again by minimal work. I took on 75% of the bills, and he agreed to about 25% of the monthly bills. This was to even out as his income increased. It has not as his income has varied from periods of unemployment to work from home ventures, but he is now back on a salaried position. I attempted to address the financial responsibilities again and was told that he pays his share and to take on more private work if I needed more money. Um, I already work 50 hours a week plus on call duties. The reality is that every other month I have to pay two months worth of a utility bill as a utility is cut off for non-payment.
We last took a vacation two years ago and I silently vowed to never go on vacation with him again. We knew how much it would cost in advance and had agreed to divide the costs. Only after we were underway did I learn that he had minimal money for the trip and I ended up paying 95% of the costs. It would not have been so noteworthy if he had not disparaged me the entire trip.I have a fairly thick skin, but actually found myself crying at one point. We had only had separate accounts for a few months at that point and he was mad and tried to start arguments when he wanted to make purchases, but did not have enough money. I realized at that point how most, if not all of the vacations we had taken (beginning with our honeymoon) had ended up my financial responsibility over the years.
He has begun asking when and where we were going on vacation this year as we did not have a vacation last year. I have told him to plan it, pay the deposit, and we can divide the remaining costs. That will never happen so I am now planning to add a couple of days to an out of town conference just to have some down time.
I don’t want to be his “dependable mate” as he is not mine.
Dear Used Up … is this the marriage you want? Why do you stay?
There was a woman at my husband’s work who had been texting and PM facebooking him a lot over the last several months. At first, I didn’t think too much of it because she was young–25. I am 32 and he is 36. I just told him that I thought she liked him and just to not lead her on. We had always had a pretty loving marriage. But as time went on it didn’t stop and it started to get more flirtatious. Recently, I started to push him to stop the texting. That only made him text more. Then things started to come to a head and I asked him to be committed to our marriage and stop. Then he started to express doubts and finally said he didn’t love me anymore and didn’t want to work on the marriage, and he hasn’t cut off the girl (he claims it hasn’t gotten physical and I believe him–mostly because he has been pretty open about her). We had gone through a pretty tough 8 months with various job changes, a move and his father passing way. He is also very dissatisfied with progress in his carrier and has a job right now that he is good at, but doesn’t love. There are definitely things I can change and I have started working on them and am trying to keep busy and happy.
At this point, we are semi-separated, with him sleeping a friends, but coming home to get his stuff and to see our two year-old. He is generally nice to me as long as we don’t talk about our issues and we have both been focusing on the well-being of our daughter. Although he hasn’t given me a clear indication that he wants to work on our marriage, he does things for me like pick me up from work and seems to generally care about my well-being. However, I won’t let me totally back in until he dumps the emotional affair and commits to our marriage. It’s a weird limbo and I can’t tell if he’s just emotionally checked out completely but doesn’t know how to totally leave or he is just confused and trying to figure things out.
Emotional affairs are as damaging as physical affairs and they are just as challenging to heal from. I think you’re right to give him time and space to figure out where he’s at and you need to do the same. It’s not just about him deciding if he wants to reconcile, it’s also about you deciding if he’s the partner you want.
Yes, I’ve been thinking about that. I know that I’ve done a lot to contribute to this breakdown, but his blaming me for his affair is taking it too far. He wasn’t emotionally mature enough to work on the marriage or communicate his issues and blames me for “pushing” him towards her.
I am very committed to marriage and don’t necessarily think this is the end, but it will take a lot of work on his part, starting with him actually committing to me Ro make it work. For now, I’m just giving him space and seeing how it goes. If he wants to leave completely and get a divorce, I’ll know soon enough. And if we live in limbo for a long enough time, I’ll have to make the decision for him
Well Im in a situation now with my wife and I’m on the verge of giving up. Here is a run down. Maybe someone can provide some insight or give an opinion that makes sense cause like I said I’m to that point of checking out. So in 2011 I decided to pursue a business which ended up failing wife said she supported whatever I planned to do but it failed. My real job I quit at the end of 2012 for another job going overseas paying me twice as much. (My recruiter told me to be ready to depart for inproccesing jan 4 of last year 2013) and as some of you know the government decided to do a sequester which X the position I was hired for. So now I have no job with major bills. My wife’s mother past away and left her money which we had to use and I felt terrible having to do so. Looking for a job in this economy is damn near impossible. When I said I did everything I could to find something that was substantial….sleepless nights looking for work. There was one particular position my wife and I both qualified for going overseas so I told her to but in her resume as well. She ended up getting hired….. our prayers have been answered right? Wrong although she was hired I still had no job. Any man knows how inadquaute it is to not be able to provide for your family. She left and I continued to search. The job I quit prior hired me back….a Now all is good right? Wrong.. Before I was hired I called my wife and she put me on the phone with one of her co workers which was a male and he proceeding on telling me how well my wife can cook and how lucky I am. Now not only do I feel inadequate now I’m feeling insecure about our relationship. To make this story come closer to a end I express my concerns and I got a half ass sorry and me calling her out her name because she refused to see my point of view. Then she decides to blame me for our situation for her mothers money being used pretty much just kicking me while I’m doing my very best. Like I said I got my job back and it’s like I still don’t have a job….she makes more than me and the respect factor is gone. She gives me none saying I need to respect her first. I’m getting tired and this is really making me want to give up.
Hi RS – I think you’re right to be concerned. It sounds like your marriage is in serious trouble. But don’t ‘give up.’ I’m not going to suggest couples counselling because I would encourage you to do counselling on your own to start with. I would go back to basics … how well do you know yourself? What are your core values? What are your strengths? What brings you joy? What makes you laugh? Do you respect yourself? Once you know these fundamentals then you can start to look at how closely aligned you are to your wife and make an assessment if couples counselling could be beneficial. There isn’t a quick fix this but you can tell your wife that you do love her, that you value your marriage and that you’re willing to work on reconciling. With your wife being overseas, how often do you see her?
First thank you for your comment and as far as seeing her I don’t get to until the end of her contract. I do agree with you. I do need to reconnect with myself after such a troubling in time as far as having this tough breaks… It has sucked a lot of energy out of me. I think for the moment I’m going to keep my distance.
Not seeing her until the end of her contract gives you the opportunity to work on yourself however, it’s still important for you to maintain regular contact and stay in touch with each other, to know what’s going on in each other’s life. Wishing you strength and courage,
*Sigh* I’m in the same boat here. Married for 7 years with 2 kids. I’m now seperated although share an apartement with my ex until our 2 months notice runs out on the lease. My wife told me she simply no longer loved me and wanted to get a separation. I’ve realized that I may have left her hanging emotionally because I was all always at work. I now have a 9-5 and am able to focus on myself and the kids. Her telling me she didn’t love me any longer was such a devastating shock… She always reiterates that she wants to remain friends but she says shes thinking purely objectively and ignoring her feelings so that she can get her life back on track. I liken this process to grieving; a brother passed away when we were teenagers. ISome days my heartbleeds for hers, other days I am simply ready to move on. What would I be going back to? I had always trusted her 100% and loved her unconditionally, I became distracted… Like many others have said she won’t entertain counselling. I thought we were doing awesome and life was finally coming together. This has shaken up my entire life. Anytime I want to talk to her about feelings, she pulls away and starts to talk about separation agreement, custody, etc. I never imagined I’d be divorced AT ALL, on the other hand incant force her to love me. I am trying to show her change and interest on her everyday, it’s so painful when you see the emptiness in her eyes. I would do anything for this woman, but I’m not sure the marriage could work now even if she came back in a few months. Shes told me that if she were to start having feelings again, that she would actively dispose of then. I know she’s hurt, and I understand. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. I have so much support with friends and family and counsellors. I’m not sure if I should be trying to fix things or start healingmyself and move on. Sometimes I think she’s worth the risk easily. Other times I grow so exhausted from running all the relationship leg work. What to do?
Hi Jinn, My recommendation is that you start healing yourself and by that I mean understanding who you are, your values, what brings you joy, why you chose to be with your wife, what happened in the relationship. I don’t mean to start “moving on.” I would also recommend that neither of you start the legal process – give it some time and during that time, keep communicating. You will have to work together on parenting. So create a draft parenting plan to see how that works for your children. You will also need to talk about expectations for this period with respect to finances and fidelity. You may find that given some space and a chance to think, that you are able to reconcile. You may also find that reconciliation is not an option but provided you can treat each other with respect and be reasonable about finances, there’s no need to rush into divorce.
Jinn – my online divorce coaching program – My Divorce Pal (//mydivorcepal.com) has a whole track on preparing for divorce and another track on parenting. Both of these would help you in your current situation. And you’re also welcome to set up a free consult with me – //mydivorcepal.com/contact/
Wishing you strength and courage,
I guess I am a year late to this thread but I can totally relate to the other posters’s marital problems. I have been married for four years and in the last year my husband has changed all his passwords to his phones and social media accounts. He “accidentally” changed his Facebook status to “single” and started to add a bunch of girls to his account and even had the audacity to click “like” on their sexxy pictures. We have not had sexx in three months and he tells me he hates it and prefers masturbation.
In the last two months, he only comes home once a week to hang out with our son. He tells me that he sleeps at his job and he’s just working more hours to advance his career. He gets very indignant when I accuse him of having an affair. I told him that I want to move out once I save enough money. He did not put up a fight and said “that’s fine with me” but continued to tell me he doesn’t have another woman – he’s just working. I don’t know what to do in the meantime, because it’s hard for me to move on when he hangs out at our house once a week and acts like we’re still a couple. I feel like I am being stringed along and he is not emotionally available anymore. I am so depressed and I don’t know what to do because I still love him. Any suggestions?
Best Guest – To me, this sounds like a classic case of a spouse who has checked out but won’t tell you or won’t initiate the breakup because they don’t want to be seen publicly as being the ‘bad guy.’ He wants you to do the hard work. He could also be trying to avoid some of the financial obligations divorce may entail. You need to start taking care of yourself – my 14 Ways To Get To Know Yourself may help you (https://sincemydivorce.com/14-ways-to-get-to-know-yourself/) AND you need to start preparing for divorce. My free audio program will help you get started – //mydivorcepal.com/teleseminars/divorce-preparations-registration/.
Wishing you strength and courage,
Mandy
Thank you Mandy. I think you’re right and I will check out the links you just gave me.
I am on the not in love anymore side. We are not married, but we’ve been together for 12 years now. He is the perfect man, but, unfortunately, not for me. Love simply faded throughout the years. Maybe we started too young (16) and now we’ve grown to want other things. Or, at least, me. I can’t blame him for anything, except the fact that in some way he also let it go. It’s quite a few years since intimacy is an issue, I don’t want it anymore. Lately a new man has entered my life and I fell for him really badly. We chose to say goodbye, since I am already involved with someone. But he helped me kind of ‘discover’ that I no longer love the person next to me. And I don’t know how to end it. How do you tell someone after 12 years that you don’t love him anymore? How can you hurt a person like that? But, on the other side, he started talking about children. I don’t want marriage or children, simply because I would commit to a life with him that wouldn’t make me happy. So…what do I do?
Experiencing a deep connection with another person is often the catalyst to reevaluate a present relationship. If you are as convinced as you sound that your relationship is over, then it’s time to have that hard difficult conversation.
He could be talking about children because he thinks that might salvage your relationship. It hasn’t worked for the people I’ve talked to who have admitted they had a child to try to save their marriage.
Even though you’re not married, you may have a common law marriage and you almost certainly have combined assets/debts. You need to prepare to tell your partner both emotionally and practically. My free audio program on preparing for divorce may help you – //mydivorcepal.com/teleseminars/divorce-preparations-registration/
Wishing you strength and courage,
P.S. I also offer a free 30-minute consult and would be happy to talk to you about this. Please contact me to arrange: https://sincemydivorce.com/contact/
the writer of this article is being an idiot. I don’t usually like to insult but to say the if one partner says they have lost the “in love” feeling is an immediate “you should get divorced” is ludicrous. Stop being so selfish and start being adults.
Nobody – I have rarely seen the decision to end a marriage be immediate and that’s not what I take from Kimberly’s situation. One partner may be surprised by the decision but the initiator most often has given it long, serious and deliberate consideration. That there hasn’t been more discussion leading up to the point is an indicator of the breakdown of communication.
I married my high school sweetheart after 3 and a 1/2 years of courtship. it’s been twelve years since. We have a daughter who is 91/2. He says he doesn’t give a shit about this marriage, doesn’t care how I feel, doesn’t want to spend time with me and is hardly ever home. Last seven years have been hell, the five before weren’t that better either. But I still am in love with him. How can I stop caring and go ahead with the divorce? Please help me.
Destitute123 … simple answer? Starting by loving yourself. Right now it sounds like you care a lot more about your spouse than you do about yourself. We need to get you to the stage of saying that his treatment of you is not acceptable on any level.
Don’t worry about getting divorced right now (unless there are compelling reasons for you to protect yourself) and focus on getting to know yourself. Try my free download: https://sincemydivorce.com/14-ways-to-get-to-know-yourself/
Know your values, know your strengths, know what makes you laugh, understand why you chose to be married to him and then you’ll be able to go ahead with divorce. Please consider working with a life/divorce coach – this isn’t easy to do on your own. Please let me know if I can help you – https://sincemydivorce.com/contact/
I need advice from somewhere! I have been married 8 years to an amazing man on paper. He is kind, sweet, a nice guy, very handsome, and is always there for me. We have two kids, ages 6 and 7. He is a great dad. Everyone thinks we are the perfect couple. He has never stood up to me, ever. Always wants to give me what I want. He has never once yelled at me or argued with me. This kinda drives me nuts. I never was the passionate about him but I did admire him. We got married after only 6 months and due to religious reasons did not have sex until then. Right away I knew I might have made a mistake, I did not really enjoy the sex ( I have had sex in past before him) I ended up pregnant right away and wanted to make it work. I should add that I never had that much fun when we dated, he did not have much of a sense of humor but I again overlooked because I wondered how such an amazing guy would like me, since I had such a low self worth at the time. Anyway here we are married years later and still I don’t feel like going home after work to see him, and I am so bored when we go out. I try to make it fun but I just don’t feel anything with him. We have managed to have some good sex on and off throughout the years but I am again at the point I don’t like him touching me. I have told him many times I am not in love and he thinks is because he is a “nice guy” and trying to change but I dont want him to feel like he has to change.. He is a great guy and I do care about him but wish I could feel like I loved him. I have never kissed him and move away when he kisses me since we have been married. My kids are so happy.. I dont know what to do. I want to leave but I worry I willl later regret leaving such a great guy even though I dont feel love.. Any advice?
Karen – I would recommend that you seek counselling not couples, but for yourself. Find a counselor/therapist who will work with you on understanding why you chose to be with your husband, knowing your values, knowing what you want in life, creating a vision for the future, what family life means to you and then you’ll be in a better place to assess continuing your marriage.
You can start with my !4 Ways To Get To Know Yourself free download here:https://sincemydivorce.com/14-ways-to-get-to-know-yourself/
Are we the same person wow! What is the status now?
I responded to my post in a reply.. I did leave him.. We have both moved on to people we are in love with and seem to be a better fit, but its still hard. Very hard not being a family unit anymore and of course financially for me. My advice is if you have a great guy AND kids.. try everything in your power to make it work and only then leave once you know in your heart you tried your all.
Update: I left him. I am the Karen above. We have been divorced for 1 year and 4 months now. He is now happy with another women who I am sure appreciates him they have been together 1.5 years, as they got together right when we divorced. I asked him the other day if he was happier because I always thought he would be because I did not meet his needs due to lack of feelings. He admitted he is happier now with her. He would have never left me though. I think it was best for him, he now has someone who loves him to. It has been tough for me actually more than him after the fact. He did a lot for me.. and loved me and I do miss being a family unit. We do 50/50 custody with kids and live 5 minutes away. Kids seem happy, it was a no conflict divorce and we did it ourselves. I declined spousal support. My advice: If you have a great guy and kids, make it work. I have moved on as well, also in a relationship with someone I am “in love” with… but its still hard not being a family unit and I do wish I would have tried harder to make it work with my x. I also find issues of course after a year in this new relationship. There are issues in EVERY relationship. MAKE IT WORK if you have a great guy and kids, do your BEST to figure it out and make changes. Being “in love” is not all its cracked up to be after a year or two.. eventually every relationship has issues. I learn lessons the hard way I guess.
Thank you Karen for posting the update. There’s always learning from the end of a relationship and I love the learnings you’ve shared. Sounds like you and your ex have done a great job parenting after divorce. Gold star for that!
I don’t think that one spouse saying ‘i don’t love you anymore’ is the end pf a marriage. If both try hard enough there is still a chance of working out a solution. But both will have to try with their full effort. If one of them is not interested anymore then there is no use of trying for the sake of trying.
I would have to respectfully disagree with you. In my view, by the time one spouse says they no longer love their spouse, they are past the point of truly being able to work on the marriage. The marriage is over and it essentially becomes a question of when to divorce, and sometimes that does mean waiting until the children are in high school or have left for college.
So falling back in love again isn’t an option???
Well – not with the same person 🙂 I’m very skeptical about that. Sorry!
Totally agree!!!
I need advise from someone as I don’t know if I have the right to feel the way I feel or if I am simply selfish. I am 35 and married for 10 years to a guy which ticks all the boxes, successful, good looking, great dad and a caring husband. To the the outside world our life couldn’t be any better. But here is the thing ever since we got married (we never lived together before) his sex drive was so low that we ended up having sex in average 3 to 4 times a year in the past 10 years. In this time I tried everything from constantly talking to him, booking hotel rooms and counselling sessions to find out why he is like that. Nobody understands but even though he is so good in any other way I slowly shut down completely over the years and made my self busy with work and the regular routine. I felt rejected and depressed and started disconnecting my self from him. He was just like a good house mate. He has made me cry many nights after a great night out where I got a lot of attention from other men but my own husband would fall asleep when we got home. I tried to for many years to except that this is how my life is going to be and I better except it but then I had this really bad idea of thinking if I would find one discrete person who I could just be intimate with every now and then then I could start being happy in my own relationship. But I never actually followed it through until I met this one person at work who I genuinely felt connected to as a friend. We had a lot in common we laughed and flirted and before we knew it we were spending every opportunity to enjoy each others company. Things developed fast and this man showed me what it means when someone is passionate and really desires someone. We have both completely fallen in love and consume each others thoughts 24/7. I haven’t felt like this in years and I know I for sure that he would do anything to be with me and my kids if I decided to leave on my own terms. At home with my husband on the other side I told him about a month ago that our situation has lead to the the fact that I feel completely disconnected and that I am not in love with him anymore and that I am tiered of trying and that I am considering a break up. Even though he new I am sexually unhappy he never expected me wanting to leave. He was devastated and accused me in his anger of being selfish and not considering the kids best interest. This time he begged me for counselling and I have excepted. But the truth is that I couldn’t be any further away from wanting these sessions. I am not into it and I only thing I have to do it because its the right thing. My husband now wants sex all the time and I can’t help but thinking its all fake. I know he love me but I can’t embrace it, I wished he had done done a little earlier not when I said I don’t love you anymore. I can’t stop thinking about this other man and I know it’s not just naive love but I am worried to breakup because of the kids, our traditional families and financial factors. I don’t know what to do. Shall i continue with counselling and hope that it can change his desire for me or shall I leave because he will fall back into the same routine? I am a strong person and don’t wan’t to live one of those loveless marriages where the wife stays because of financial dependency, but I also don’t want to make the wrong decision. Thanks for reading
Hi Tara,
While I am a divorce coach I believe wholeheartedly that couples need to do everything they can to reconcile and save their marriage before proceeding with divorce.
First, you don’t say whether you’re still seeing the other gentleman. If you are, then I recommend that you end that relationship.
Then I would suggest that you work on yourself – get to know yourself, your values, your strengths, what makes you happy, what family means to you, what your faith means to you. And then when you have clarity on these, compare these to your husband and see how closely aligned you are. Physical intimacy is a critical part of marriage but the emotional intimacy is equally if not more important.
This will tell you whether to end your marriage and then if you do decide to do so, you can start researching co-parenting options and how to make the best decisions for your children.
Hope this helps,
Mandy
Thank you Mandy, I have recently stopped seeing the other men to be able to concentrate on my family. But it is really hard. He is still besides my kids all I think of. In regards to your comment I do know my self, my strengths and what would make me happy but that contradicts with what would be best for my kids (staying with their dad and living a life of no physical connection). I feel leaving my husband would be the selfish option.
I have said to my husband I don’t love him anymore even though we do share the same social, emotional values. I care for him but I am not in love with him and that’s not something which happened with the new man in my life. I think you are a strong believer that once this is said the person saying it, is past the point. However I will try my best to work things out and hopefully as you suggested once time passes I might have more clarity. Thank you for your advise.
Hi Tara,
Yes … generally, when someone says they are no longer in love with the other person, in my opinion they are done. If the marriage is to continue then it becomes an economical/parenting arrangement rather than one of emotional intimacy. Whether that works or how long that can work is up to the couple.
I don’t believe that choosing to end a marriage is selfish and I don’t believe that staying together is always the best option for the children.
If you and your spouse can commit to co-parenting together, recognizing that you are both important to your children’s lives and learn to handle disagreements in a productive way, then you’ll doing what you can to protect your children from the negative effects of divorce.
Just as there are negative impacts of divorce on children, staying in a marriage without emotional intimacy can have negative effects – the media doesn’t talk about that much, however.
Wishing you strength and courage,
Mandy
I feel the same way to. Christian marriages keep you stuck.
My husband of 6 years with whom I have two children just told me he wants a divorce. I’ve gone through verbal and physical abuse for years and last year found out he was having an affair. He broke it off and for a while changed and I thought we were on a path to healing.
A few days ago I found a condom in his back pocket. When I confronted him about it all hell broke loose. He gave me a lame excuse and when I refused to accept it we had a huge fight which eventually resulted in him saying the moment he gets a job he’ll leave and start his life alone. He said it three months ago and took back his words in an apology.
My problem now is he still wants me to support him financially while he gets his diploma in college but has made it clear that he doesn’t want a future with me. I’m planning of moving out of our rented flat in a weeks time but I don’t know if I have the guts to see it through.
I’ve just reached a stage were I’ve given up on this marriage. He complains about everything I do and when I don’t do it he complains even louder. I don’t know what to do but the truth has sunk in and I need to move on.
My husband and I have been together for 4 and a half years, married for about 3 and a half. We have been having a lot of trouble since about 6 months after we got married because I found out he had a major porn addiction. We both tried to go to counseling, but never stuck with it for one reason or another. It has been an uphill battle ever since. Over time, he became a really angry person. He was never happy about anything, and if I tried to cheer him up, he would shut me out. About 4 months ago, my husband claimed all of our problems were stemming from stress and his overall unhappiness with his job. After discussing it, we decided to move to a smaller town just north of where we were living because he felt that we would both be happier and he would be able to support us. I have been having health issues for almost a year now so he wanted me to quit working so I could focus on taking care of myself. Since we have moved up here, nothing has really changed. We keep going on this emotional roller coaster ride of being completely happy with each other to barely being able to tolerate each other. The other night, I had an emotional breakdown because I felt so alone. I don’t have any friends up here, and he is always working so my time with him is limited. Instead of being there for me, he sat out in the living room, completely emotionless, and just told me that he just doesn’t have any sympathy for me anymore. He doesn’t know why, nor when it happened, just that he just doesn’t have it in him to care anymore. He said he still loves me and wants me to be happy, but that he can’t be the person that I need or deserve and that it is time for us to move on. I suggested counseling but he thinks that it would be prolonging the inevitable and just wants us to both move on. Im having a really hard time wrapping my head around it. I feel like my whole world is falling apart around me. Deep down, I think I knew that this was coming. We have been unhappy together for quite some time and our sex life has been practically non existent. I even went to the ER a few weeks ago because I was having dizzy spells that were causing me to momentarily black out, and he was actually mad that I wanted him to be there with me. I guess what I’m having trouble with is, if he says he loves me still, why doesn’t he care anymore? Why did he lose all sympathy for me but can still be there for his friends? He also claims I did nothing wrong, that this is just one of those things where we aren’t good for each other regardless of how we feel about each other. I can’t stop crying because I can’t rationalize this and never thought I would see this day actually happen. I’m begging for some advice on how to just accept this and love him enough to let him go.
Dear Erin,
I understand that you are trying to figure out what happen, and to understand how you came to be where you are today. What your husband is telling you doesn’t make sense to you and there are pieces of the puzzle missing. Unfortunately you may never fully understand what happened but you can over time come to accept that it is what it is.
You need to give yourself time to grieve – try to identify everything you feel you’re losing with the end of your marriage. It’s not solely your husband, but all your dreams and visions you had of the future together. It’s also the pain your husband has caused you – not supporting you, not being willing to work at your marriage.
I know I’m bias but your situation screams for the need of a divorce coach who can help you through this – I can’t put it all in an email to you. I’d love you to set up a free consult with me: https://sincemydivorce.com/contact/
Very late to post but needed to get this out there. I am 30 and have been married 2.5 years, been together for about 5. I’ve had doubts since the engagement, it just never felt “right”, but thought it was what I should be doing at that point in time. He’s a wonderful guy, caring, outgoing, treats me well, but the chemistry has been nonexistent for a few years already. I thought I wanted kids but now know that I don’t, and he is wanting to have a child ASAP. How do I break it to him that I don’t think we are heading in the same direction?
How do you break the news? … you have a hard, difficult, honest conversation. It’s not easy, it’s not pleasant but you absolutely have to do this for the future well being of both of you.
I don’t think this applies to you but for the benefit of other readers, if you have any concerns for your physical safety you need to plan for this differently and I always recommend seeking guidance from local domestic violence/abuse resources.
I’d be a happy to have a conversation about this – I offer a free 30-minute consult and also help coach people through this decision.
Wishing you strength and courage,
Mandy
I’m hoping some one will see this and give some advice.
I feel like I’m going crazy.
I’ve been married for 23 years, we don’t have children.
My husband has emotionally abused me and mentally manipulates me, but I’m fearing that I am not allowing God to do his work.
For 23 years, he’s done everything to push me away. Not coming home till 5in the morning, not allowing me to be a part of his business, manipulating arguments so he can go out, telling me horrible things and cussing me out, telling me he’s glad that we never had kids, I’m lazy, lieing, possible cheating, putting us through bankruptcy, telling me he could care less if I left…
The list goes on and on and that’s just the small stuff, there’s worse things he’s done
A year ago, I finally got the courage to leave and he talked me back in to coming home. I tried leaving again a month later only to find myself back home
I told him I was going to go to therapy because I was confused. He decides to go with me. I felt he manipulated the therapist, he put on a good show, tears and all.
It’s been 8 months and I know I don’t love him anymore. But I torment myself thinking I’m going to go to hell if I leave him, I’m a catholic by the way.
I can’t stand to look at him or even think of having sex with him. He’s in a financial bind and I’m supporting us. I’m afraid if Ieave, I will leave him in a financial bind. His health is also bad and I feel guilty for wanting to leave.
I just don’t know how to say this is not working to him and leave.
Please give me some words if wisdom. I’m going crazy.
Going Crazy – there is so much I would tell you. Stop beating yourself up. You have got to take care of your needs first before you can take care of anyone else’s.
Of course your husband wants you to stay – he’s needs the financial support and you can address the financial concerns through the divorce process. That is not a reason to stay.
Please listen to my free audio program – Is Divorce Right For You? : //mydivorcepal.com/teleseminars/5-ways-to-know-if-divorce-is-right-for-you-registration/
My online coaching program has a complete track devoted to making the decision and that would help you too. You can find out details here: //mydivorcepal.com/course-overview/#rightforme
And… I offer a free 30 minute consult that would help you.
Wishing you strength and courage,
Mandy
I realize that there are many many different stories and issues in marriages and relationships. And I don’t mean to be caustic or mean spirited here. But this is blog about I Don’t Love You Anymore is a crock. I have heard this for many years over and over from couples I have known and listened to. Friends. Acquaintances. Co-workers. Does anyone understand that marriage is work. Very very hard work. The general course of marriage tends to pass through highs and lows. Moments when one spouse doesn’t think they are in love any more. My own parents who had the deepest love and best marriage I ever witnessed went through these cycles. Life is hard. Life is incredible. Raising children is hard. Raising children is incredible. Work is hard. Work in incredible. Wait, where is my spouse in all of this. We forget this. We take our spouses for granted. I know I have. I know I have felt as though I was not in love with my spouse anymore. I know she has felt the same. In fact, she feels this way right now. I have hurt her deeply. And I deserve her disdain right now. She has hurt me deeply over the years as well. But what we forget is that love is not a choice. It is an emotion. We have no more control of loving feelings as we do over stopping the earth from spinning. But love requires attention. It requires care. Especially after we get past the initial surge of love when we first meet our spouse. We all forget this over and over. I for one will never forget this again. Love must be nurtured. Love is a behavior towards another. I get sick of these types of blogs about this stuff. You found your love once with the person you are with. You must work to maintain this. Learn to love the one you found already as thinking you will find a better love somewhere else is a fools errand. You will simply make the same mistakes again with new man or woman. Divorce rates in the US go from 50% for first marriages to over 70% for second marriages. This is the reason why. No one tries to figure out their role in the marriage. No one takes responsibility for the love in their marriage. I know! I didn’t take that responsibility. I learned this the hard way.
Now I don’t believe every marriage is salvageable, I am not sure mine is. But I damn well going to try, to do everything in my power to repair my wife’s and my marriage. Some things just don’t work out. But it is blogs like this that create these negative mindsets where a marriage that could be saved isn’t because people drink the kool-aid of these blogs. Or the divorce attorney’s who depend on that 50% divorce rate. It is like a machine. To everyone reading this, love is not a choice. It is an emotion that depends on one’s most recent experiences. Love is not guaranteed to anyone. It requires work, kindness, care, listening, understanding, giving of oneself. If your most recent experience of your spouse is awful, love of course wanes. If your most recent experiences are wonderful, then love blossoms.
Keep at it. Don’t give up. Do the work needed to succeed. Even if you think you don’t love your spouse anymore. Try. Be open. Keep your heart vulnerable. You may just find it is there still and it is good and wonderful. No matter the depth of the pain you think your spouse caused, the pain of divorce is worse. And don’t ever ever underestimate your role in all of it. Even if your spouse did something awful, there is responsibility on both sides for every action and reactions. If you don’t try you never what will happen. You may just find that by committing and trying you discover the love that you always dreamed of.
Gray – Your comment sounds very judgmental. Very few of the many, many people with whom I’ve discussed divorce have felt that they didn’t work at saving their marriage. And none of us are in a position to know what another’s marriage is truly like.
My goal here is to offer compassion, support and acceptance for those experiencing divorce. I wish you strength and courage as you continue to work on your marriage and should you or your spouse decide to end your marriage, I hope you’ll return. ~ Mandy
Today I told my boyfriend of 9 years that I no longer love him. He hasn’t really worked most of our relationship and when he did work he would call out non stop and eventually be fired. We have two kids who are very young so of course I would always push him to go to work and even offered to pay for him to go to school. No matter what I did I could never seem to motivate him. I literally take care of every single aspect of our life. I pay every bill, every oil change, anything that requires effort really. He does love his kids and watches them when I’m at work but I feel like he doesn’t really interact with them. He mostly watched TV or does his workouts. He and I don’t really talk or having anything in common anymore. With that said I truly care about him and I kills me inside to know I’m breaking his heart. Part of me wants to take it back, but I’m not even sexual attracted to him anymore. He has never abused me, and always been very complimentary of me but I always felt like I was being used in a way. I am so sad and he has cried so much tonight that I’m heart broken. I want to make it all better and just stay together for his happiness and the kids but I just can’t see myself ever having sexual feelings towards him ever again. I know I’m not getting a divorce but it sure feels like it. How do I know I am doing the right thing. Am I just being selfish? I have never hurt anyone like this before. Thank you for letting me ramble, I am a little lost right now.
You are ending a committed relationship and the feelings you are experiencing are the same as anyone going through a divorce.
You can’t make this right. That would mean being able to change your boyfriend’s behavior and only he can do that. Your boyfriend sounds like he is a passive participant in life and in your relationship. Of course he wants the relationship – you take care of everything. You’re saying this isn’t working for me anymore and so he has a choice – he can step up his game and start to take responsibility for his life or he can say no thanks. If he says no thanks, then you have to decide if this is the relationship you want. If he chooses to take responsibility he’s saying that he values your relationship and wants to work on it. You then have to decide if that gives you enough hope to continue. If you genuinely believe that there is no hope of your relationship being rekindled then now is the time to say that.
And yes, these are hard conversations. You’re not being selfish, you are starting to make your needs a priority and when you do that, others will start respecting your needs. This is the oxygen mask analogy – you can’t take care of others until you’ve taken care of yourself.
If you’d like to discuss this more with me then please contact me to set up a free 30 minute consult. https://sincemydivorce.com/contact/
Wishing you strength and courage,
Mandy
my wife of 6 years whom is 36 last year sometime got depressed and said she didnt want to be married anymore .then a few months later got caught with a profile looking for another man ect . she ruined christmas eve for our 4 year old got drunk and passed out , she was on the phone wiht an ex fling that lives in florida for a while , then a month later she was contacted by an old neighbor who is 26 ect she lied went out over night to his house , and a few weekends later she said i love you but im not in love with you i dont want this marriage we need to seperate the whol i need to find myslef , its about me no one else i want my freedom ect so i leave too go get counseling and the very next day she goes and sleeps with the man 3 times with in the day amd morning that she was there didnt tell me for a whole week , and the only notion i got was the night after she said marriage over i want a divorce , and its been that way for three months now constant no communication , contsant ignorance doesnt wnat to talk about our relationship we had shows no remorse , or guilt she lost her job lives in a shelter and the thing is our sex lifewas good she said so many variations as to why she said u were already gone duh you kicked me out , she deep down wanted to do it , then said she knew it wasnt going to pan out but then got pissed when he said she had way too much going on and that she freaked out when he didnt answer right away … so now i have no idea what to do she dont want me or anything and she is an asshole now
Your wife is clearly having a major crisis. I will tell you what I tell anyone who is trying to figure out what to do – spend some time truly getting to know yourself. Stop focusing on the decision, focus on yourself. Know your strengths, your values, your needs and then come back to the decision. If you reconcile, would this be the marriage you want? Your four year old also needs you to be the absolute best parent you can be – so please focus on your child too.
Wishing you strength and courage
thank you as i am pulling away for good i didnt deserve what happend and i dont call or even text her anymore it just ends up me getting treated like crap and im not the one who did anything wrong im walking away our marriage is clearly over the child is the onlly thing i care about anymore and i have been working on myself she chose this i cant be there for her to rely on anymore i welcome the divorce i will no longer be associated with betrayal of vows
but i dont understand anyof it is it a mid life crisis and why is she being so mean , i even asked her if she cheated to get out of the marriage and she said no , she doesnt want to talk about anything she just wants a divorce and she wants to be free
Joseph – it sounds like you’re deeply hurt and you’re struggling to understand why your wife has treated you this way. Unfortunately, you may never fully understand this.
Have you heard of parent-child dynamics? Some experts say this is the most common reason marriages breakdown. Spouses get locked into a pattern of behavior where one spouse takes on a parent role and the other takes on a child role. Often, that behavior is rooted in how we responded to our very early caregivers such as our parents.The interaction behavior works until one spouse decides they don’t want to do that anymore and rebels. It sounds like that is what your wife has decided to do.
The relationship can be saved if you can both work to change your interactions and to respond to each other more as adult-to-adult but that is very difficult to do without professional guidance.
Here’s a link to a short video on this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hu0v86YySBs
Does this help?
i guess its safe to say im over it now and i want nothing to do with her i snapped out of what it was and i realize she doesnt respect me or love me she layed with another man and she obviously didnt respect the marriage so i know im a better person for getting the help i need and she can wallow in her own self problems get used by many men its not my life anymore
so i posted in here below what my wife has done now 3 months later after the affair she is still callous and she is still driven to get the divorce and she makes me feel like the marriage never mattered , she makes it seem as though she doesnt give a hoot about the damage she has done to me and our daughter i had told her that im done talking to her im not calling and im not texting anymore i cannot handle how she can walk around like she did nothing wrong and that im out of her life period go live your life you chose this you live it i dont have to anymore
You all need to read womens infidelities I&II.. Trust me.
I’m so stressed about what is the right thing to do… Here is a bit about our relationship and how we got where we are… So I have been with my husband for 5 years and we’ve been married for a little over one year. We got pregnant 3 months into our relationship and have been blessed with a beautiful daughter. I feel like our love is mainly surrounded around our daughter. Him and I have almost nothing in common. He and I do not share a bank account, all the bills are in his name, and we both work 40hrs a week and split the bills. He likes to stay home and play video games and eat unhealthy, I like to be active and eat moderately healthy and even go out with friends. My husband is antisocial and doesn’t enjoy being around other people or my family, or even his! He doesnt help me around the house, and when he does do something he feels self rightous and will tell me how to correctly clean something up. He never cooks, and when he actually get groceries once in a while, he doesn’t buy for his family- only himself. (I am ranting now…) Anyways- there are so many things I cant stand and deal with anymore… I love him because he is a great father… but I dont feel romantically attracted to him anymore. I haven’t for a while. He is attractive but it is his way of life and talking to me and demeaning me that I don’t deserve. I was on this medication that numbed me to my situation, and now that I have switched I feel more myself and started to do things I enjoy again LIKE ART. He will be completely ruined when/if I file for divorce. BUt I feel like I have to…this is my life and I only have one…. I dont want my daughter to see us fight anymore. How do I do this….
Hi Kayla,
It sounds like you know that you want to end your marriage but you’re not sure. You feel guilty and you fee responsible for your husband.
Have you talked to him about ending your marriage? Why do you say he will be completely ruined if you file for divorce?
I would you caution you against using the divorce filing as a way of telling your spouse it’s over. having this hard conversation this way is very traumatic for the other party and doesn’t get the process off to a good start.
I would be happy to discuss this with you further – I offer a free 30-minute consult. Please use this form to schedule time for us to talk. //www.mandywalker.com/contact/
My husband and I dated for 5 and a half years before getting married. We’ve been married for 11 months. He was extremely emotionally abusive while we dated and during our engagement I just never saw it. He constantly took back his proposal and desire to get married during our engagement but I still went through with the planning and the wedding. I had incredibly low self esteem and actually thought I could change him and thought if I just held out for our marriage, everything would change. I was emotionally abused by my mother and physically and emotionally abused by my father until the age of 21. Like I said before, I just didn’t see it. I didn’t know my parents abused me. I thought taking abuse was required for someone to love you.
Back to my marriage: our first fight after our honeymoon, he said he wanted a divorce. That ripped me to my core. Just two weeks after our honeymoon, he was ready to throw in the towel. But then after all was said and done, he took it back. It’s a pattern he’s exhibited before. It was then, I think, that I really stopped trusting him. Fast forward 3 months with both of us at jobs we hate. During those three months he asked for a divorce during each fight. It was his go to comment. Then, he got a job offer in another state. It was a chance for both of us to get away from our families and really be on our own. (He was severely abused by his mother and her, he, my parents, and i all lived in the same city so we saw them all the time. A victim seeing their abuser constantly prevents healing from the abuse so, it was a perfect opportunity for us to leave and get better)
Well, it wasn’t the magic solution we thought it would be. Here we are in a new stare and he still used divorce every chance he got and I even started putting it on the table during fights. Our sex life wasn’t great (it never was), we fought all the time and both of us were plain depressed. So after five months of this, we signed up for therapy. We’ve been going for about 3 months and I love my therapist. Both of us are getting better. I’m starting to feel like myself again for the first time in 6 years. But sadly, at the same time, I’m seeing now how unacceptable all the things my husband did to me were. The more I get better, the thicker the wall comes between he and I as I gain my self confidence back. The scar tissue is there — there’s just too much to come back from it and I find myself wanting out. I’ve been making sure to only say what I mean now that I’m getting better and I haven’t felt like saying “I love you” to him for a long time. I know how much it hurts him for me not to say it back but I can’t do what I think other people want anymore. I have to do what I want and feel. In addition to this, I haven’t wanted to have sex with him for a long time either, so I haven’t. We are still intimate with each other and, while i physically respond sometimes, I feel no emotional connection to him.
He is depressed and extremely wounded from his childhood. He had a horrible one of traumatic neglect. I hate that I feel like I’m not in love with him anymore because I know he loves me and us getting divorced will be one extra bad thing that has happened to him. I don’t want to hurt him — it pains me to hurt him. Because I still care about him so much. Also, once he got his job to the new state we’re in now, I quit my high paying one to come with him. I hated that job but at least i was independent. Now, if we were to get divorced it’s not like I can just move out with my own money. This brings me great fear. I feel if I had a job, I would actually know what I wanted to do because I would have the option to easily leave and that aforementioned fear wouldn’t be clouding my judgment. I just don’t know what to do. I lost my virginity to him and he’s the only man I’ve dated. And I find myself day dreaming about going out on dates, finding out what kind of man I like, etc etc. I care about my husband so much though. I just don’t know what to do.
Dear Regretful,
Thank you for sharing this. I am so glad you are getting help because I can hear that you are getting stronger. You need to be honest with yourself and honest with your husband. Staying with your husband because you don’t want to hurt him is not going to help either you or him. Finding out your spouse has had an affair compounds the pain and hurt of divorce so I would encourage you not to act on your dreams of dating at least until you have ended your marriage.
Knowing that you need to end your marriage and ending it are two different things. Ending it takes planning and preparation. That for you means finding work and developing your financial independence. Your therapist will help guide you on how much to share with your husband – much of that depends on your safety.
Wishing you strength and courage ~ Mandy
Well now that many women have their Careers today many women Can certainly make it on their own which as a man i will really admit that since they Don’t need a man to Survive anymore. But the real Problem is that many women that make a very high Salary now are very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, greedy, picky, and so very money hungry as well since it is all about them which Most of them do have a very bad Attitude Problem since they really think that they are God’s gift to men too which is very Sad to think that way which their Not anyway. Women are more likely to Cheat as well which i am sure many of You Have already since many women these days just Can’t be happy with just Only One Man anymore even if he is a very Good man which years ago Most women back in the old days were Definitely so much Better anyway than today which certainly Explains why many marriages years ago lasted so much longer than today. And for the high salary women of today that are so very Power Money Hungry which has a lot to do with many marriages breaking up now too Unfortunately.
Rather than making sweeping generalizations, it would be more insightful if you spoke of your personal experience …
Lol you sound really bitter. Maybe if all women have problems with you, you are the problem?
Hello, am married with my husband for almost 5 years with no children.
The first two years of marriage were amazing, even if we had couple of normal fights. But the Sparks and deep love were here.
Unfortunately all change. He became very often verbal aggressive to me with no reason, just be in an irritate mood from time to time. He would insult me and making me feeling low in front of him. For 3 years, I was a housewife and decided to get a job and stop to be so dependant on him and maybe he would start to respect me. I got this amazing job with good salary, even if it was still less from what he earns. He would still be aggressive to me, compare me to other women. Complaining how am less available than other friends we have who are housewife or why I would not go out as often as other friends because on my part I was feeling tired and the friends who he compared are all known to cheat on their husbands.
I never since I started to date my husband cheated on him, nothing. Among the thousands of times he would complain about me, if I even dare to mention he should appreciate that am not having any affairs compared to almost all his friends’ wife’s, he would say he still finds them better than me in any ways.
Few months ago, I decided to stop working to be again a housewife and focused on our relationship and maybe starting a family. But it’s the same. Am never good enough in anything. If am in a good mood, he would say mean things to me until I feel very sad and when am depressed be would complain how moody I am. He complains that I don’t talk to him anymore but when I was trying he would not let me speak, raising his voice and shut me down again with very harsh words.
I don’t love him anymore. I feel more trapped in an unhealthy relationship and even if tomorrow I decided to leave him, I know he would not force me to stay. But he he got me emotionally trapped and I am so scared to not be able to live without him, even being unhappy with him. Instead of thinking of going back to my parents or living on my own, am thinking more of commiting suicide to be able to free myself from him.
I know, it’s all wrong and I should seek for help, but deep inside me, I don’t want to be help. I just needed to explain myself and be heard without any judgement.
Flo – Suicide is absolutely not the answer. I would like you to call the Suicide Hotline – in the US the number is 1-800-273-8255, right now, today. And I do firmly believe with help you would get to the place of being able to have an honest conversation with your husband about how you feel. And if he isn’t prepared to listen, then you will have to decide what to do about your marriage. However, the first step is to accept that suicide is not the way out of your marriage. That is a permanent solution to a temporary situation. Help is available to support you through this however, it’s going to take time – your challenges have been building for five years. They won’t suddenly be resolved with three counselling sessions. It’s going to take time and commitment from you. Wishing you strength and courage ~ Mandy
I am do not love my hubby anymore I am having an affair I file already he is going to be upset but I fell for the other guy
Hi my wife left me 3 and a half years now she came out with the i don’t love you anymore out of the blue we was together for 13 years and married for 4. After we got married i find out she was in alot of debt which she hid away from me i only found out about the debts through a bailiff knocking on the door maybe i Should have walked away then but i didn’t i stood by her as i loved my wife. But because we wasn’t on much money we had to sacrifice things like going out on holidays and stuff until things got payed off as i worked full time and my wife only worked 3 days a week. I got my head down into these debts Which took the full length of our marriage to pay off and i guess this is what took a tole on our marriage . But once she came out with the i don’t love you anymore i tried telling her that we could start living again doing the things we used to do before the marriage but i could tell by the look on her face that this was two little two late she then asked me to move out of the house we was renting but the rent was in her name Which she had every right to do so according to the law then i find out she was seeing someone else behind my back cutting a long story short she broke all contact wont even speak to me and the place we was renting she didn’t give notice so she is in debt again
I was the one to say, “I don’t love you anymore.” My husband and I have been together for 6 years and I’m at my wits end. He resented me for my fertility issues as we have miscarried several times and he never coped. And even feels like my health is too much even though he knew of my health issues the day we met. He never cleans up after himself and rarely says thank you. Top it all off,he gets a wandering eye every time we hit a bump in the road. To make matters worse they are always my opposite, very curvy as I’m a petite woman with a slender build. I have begged him to go to counselling, even his own parents have. And for the longest time he was refusing. As of yesterday I threw in the toweling and he’s begging for a second chance. I’m torn because despite everything I know I could grow to love him again and still see the qualities that made me love him. But how can you stay with somebody you can’t rely on?
hi there. my husband told me that he loves me as a person, mother of his kids and he is not inlove with me. he has been sleeping with me on and off and then finally he decided to not care anymore and not work things out in our marriage. I thought he wont file any separation papers and when I was driving home from my trip I received a text telling me that not to feel shock and I called him and he told me there is separation papers on top of the night table and took his clothes with him to his parents house. since then I refused to talk to him and he has been calling me non stop and messaging me and I totally avoided all of his texts and call because I want to give the space that he wanted and I am really hurt. Im torn of filing my separation agreements myself and hand it to him or give him 1 more month to think things through and decide from there to see if he has changed his mind. what should I do?
he finally confided to me that he tried to love me but he cant anymore. he said something happened to him on summer where he was in the bad position. where he got ptsd and now he was angry at me when he was preparing his bicycle to be given to the orphaned kids where his ptsd started and I stated “you spend more time with those kids than your own kids”. he then told me that he lost his love for me when imade that statement.
I’m Carol and my husband said he is not in love with me and hasn’t been for a year. I really didn’t know this but he has been moody for the past year since his father died. I thought that was the reason for moody attitude. We have separated and he changed the locks on the doors and turned off the Door ring and blocked me from Facebook. And I still love and want him back, can’t seem to move forward. It’s been a month now and we we’re getting ready to celebrate are 3 rd anniversary.