When her husband was deployed with the Air Force, IronSpineSally was forced to take more responsibility for the household and in the process learned she was far more capable than she’d thought. Then came the falafel fire and the moment she knew she had to end her marriage. That can mean different things: for some it’s the start of face-to-face discussions, for others it means agreeing who’s going to move out. For IronSpineSally, it meant leaving a note and not going back. Here’s IronSpineSally to explain why she chose that way to leave:
In the interest of full disclosure, I did meet someone, not while my husband was deployed, before that. We had become very close friends and we would email back and forth and that became a little bit inappropriate on my end. I disclosed that to my husband. I wasn’t going to pursue that relationship because I wanted to try to save the marriage, but my husband latched onto that rather than address that we both had issues. He was going to just sit with that and accuse me of things, so it wasn’t worth it.
I left him in the worst way possible, because I left in the middle of the night when he wasn’t home, and I left him a letter.
Before I had left, before I had completely reached the conclusion that I was going to go, I had sat down with him because since he had come home, he had started getting angry all the time and he would throw things. He never hit me or anything like that, but he was overly angry about simple things, and it wasn’t PTSD. When that reached a head, I sat down with him and we talked and he said he resented this, that and the other thing about me, and I had said,
“Let’s try therapy then, and see because obviously there’s a problem with the two of us communicating and maybe we can fix this.”
And he said, “There’s no way I’m not going to pay someone to sit there and tell me I’m wrong about everything.”
He thought my therapist had “brainwashed” me.” He was very manipulative, he was very good at making me think that I never said things or making me think that there was money in our bank account when there wasn’t. It was very, very, very manipulative, like he controlled everything in the relationship.
I knew if I tried to have a face-to-face conversation with him, that he would either talk me into staying or talk me into thinking this was all me and there was nothing for him to work on. In fact, when we had that conversation, prior to me leaving, he said,
“All we need to do is have more conversations like this. If you just sit there and listen to what I have to say and do what I tell you to do, then everything is going to be fine.”
I knew either he would be explosively angry, and I didn’t want to confront that because I wasn’t sure where that would lead physically or he was going to be so manipulative that I was going to not be able to leave. So I wrote down everything I had to say and I put it in a letter.
I told him that I was going to stay with a friend for a few days and to please not contact me until a particular date, and if he wanted to attempt to work on things, then he could make an appointment with the therapist and let me know when it was and we could both show up there.
He ignored the fact that I asked him not to contact me until a particular date and called me the next day. They weren’t calls like “I really want to save this, I want to make it better.” He would call and say “I’m in charge, I’m going to pick the therapist. This is when we’re going to do it. You don’t tell me that I need to wait four days before contacting…” He was just terrible about it.
I just knew at that point there was no other way I could get out.
The Divorce Coach Says
There are some that would say leaving a letter is a coward’s way out but I think it’s important not to pass judgment. If you know you have to end your marriage then you have to find whatever way is possible for you to leave. That might mean leaving on your lunch hour like Emma, or getting your girlfriends and movers to help you move out in an hour like Swati or telling your husband you need a few days away, like Andrea. None of these may be considered the best option, but they are what worked for these women given their own circumstances.
In all these cases, there had been some discussions about the problems in the marriage – their SBTXs could not have been unaware of the issues. There is always the possibility that they just hadn’t been listening or had discounted the seriousness of the concerns.
It doesn’t always happen that way – Lorraine was blindsided when she came home to an eight word note from her husband who had left.
I think it is important to try and identify the underlying causes for the problems. That helps to bring understanding and clarity about the possibility for change. If your spouse is receptive, you can offer resources to help, like how to overcome PTSD.
If your spouse is not receptive to the help, then bluntly, they are choosing to accept your relationship as it is. Knowing that will help you make your decision.
Photo credit: Temari 09
Oh, I can definitely relate to this story! My ex was similarly manipulative and unpredictable, so I felt like leaving a note was the only way.
I am enjoying IronSpineSally’s story!
I think before I’d heard your story and others, I’d have felt that leaving a note was chickening out but now I think it’s important to see it in the bigger context of the marriage. I also think if you know you need to leave, then how you do it shouldn’t be a barrier. If leaving a note is the way that makes it possible, that’s fine with me.
You know I have to tell you that after our interview, I hung up and thought oh my god why I am putting this out there. I was so certain I’d be judged harshly. And maybe I still will be… haha it’s early. But it has been really helpful to know I was never really alone in all this and that there are so many other women out there who have had similar experience.
Thanks, ladies!
@Iron Spine Sally – to date I have been very fortunate with commenters and usually they are very supportive and appreciative. I sincerely hope that continues because I think the wondrous part of sharing our stories is finding out we’re not alone. Thank you for sharing yours – it takes courage.
@Iron Spine Sally First off, I love your name and it’s timely because a friend from Ohio recently asked me “How’s your spine?” in relation to my dragging my feet over not leaving a verbally-abusive narcissistic marriage of over 40 years that has caused me to not live with integrity and according to my own personal values (family, honoring my aging parents, finding my joy, etc.) so that I have gotten smaller and smaller in my life. Your stories were so inspiring to me. Thank you and I hope you are doing well.
Reposted as I didn’t have the @ in front of her name.
While I consider myself fornuate with my ex…the one thing that really got me was his refusal to try counseling. That was when I knew there was no trying to be had. That he had quit without even trying. And that is the worst…seems this happened here too (ironically, my ex went to counseling AFTER our divorce. Go figure).
@Jolene – frustrating that someone refuses to get help before and then goes afterwards. My ex wanted us to go to counseling after I told him I wanted a divorce. I refused then … we’d been through counseling three times in the previous five years and I had been going to counseling to help me reach my decision. After that I felt I simply wasn’t able to commit to working on our relationship. It was over.
I didn’t leave a note. I had become fearful for my life and my children’s
I had a friend come over when he was at work, and packed
What we thought my children and I would need for the
Beginning of the rest of our lives. He got a phone call
Me while on his way to a bar with his carpool.
My friend and I figured out a plan to get him to
Move out and it worked. Divorce in progress and I
Am a different person than I was a year and a half
Ago, and so are my children. It has nothing to
Do with any lack of anything for the other person.
When you realize you want to survive, you have to
Do what works.
@Michrison – I don’t know your circumstances but your respond gave me chills. Thank you for sharing this. Well done for finding the courage to do this and to change your life. I wish you the best for 2012 and hope you’ll visit again and share more of your story.
I agree that you really can’t pass judgement and that sometimes just leaving (note or not) is the only way to get out of a bad/scary/destructive relationship. You make the best decisions at the time in order to save yourself (and kids).
Anyone who doesn’t fear for their physical safety and leaves with a note is simply a coward.
And also is making a stupid business decision.
They are also creating an enemy, and setting themselves up for a high-conflict divorce.
My wife handed me surprise divorce papers when we were in town and I was about to go to a doctor’s appointment. I came home to find that she was trying to get out of the house as soon as possible. She was going to leave me with only a note, my kids told me, but I arrived home too early, and the kids threw the note away.
She had spent 15 minutes telling our children she was divorcing me, moving 5 hours away, and never coming back to the area where they grew up. They were allowed to visit her, however.
She left three hours after she handed me the divorce papers.
In case you’re wondering, I uttered not a stern word as she left, and even helped her move some of her stuff to her car. She left in a fuming huff.
The kids immediately sided with me.
I suggested that they call their mother, and had to make it clear that the problem was between her and I. I didn’t have to suggest that their mother was mentally ill (which is what I believe). Instead, my son told me that he thought she was mentally ill.
Although they have free rein to visit their mother, they have done so only once in 8 months, and have called her only a handful of times (she won’t call them).
The workload is heavy now, as she worked for me in my home-based business, and I have to take care of the house and the kids on top o that (they are college age, but one commutes from home, and I’m finding that college students need more attention and care than I thought they would).
I go from wishing I had done some things differently to hold the marriage together to thinking how horrid and unfeeling she had become after we suffered consecutive tragedies a few years back. I don’t like the work overload, don’t like what this has done to the kids, and have money concerns, but today I’m in one of those, “Boy, today I don’t have to hear her negativity about everything,” moods, and am happy that she’s not here.
Had she discussed this with me ahead of time, we could have discussed it jointly with the kids, and they would have been less traumatized (they are, and feel like their mother abandoned them).
I’m trying not to have a high conflict divorce, but have been forced to hire a lawyer and protect my own interests. Mediation would have been cheaper, made me more likely to give her more in this process, and would probably have saved a year of college expenses.
Please don’t praise those who use these sneak attack methods. Those who do so are only setting themselves up, because there are so many ways for someone to get back at you during the divorce process, and after the divorce.
Especially if you have children.
Plus, your neighbors and friends are likely to think you’re insensitive and mean, or that you’re simply nuts, which is what most of our neighbors think about my wife (and I haven’t been telling them that I think she’s nuts, or some of the really strange things that she did or said behind closed doors that not even my kids know).
Unfortunately, I’m sure I will have to deal with her again, at a graduation, a wedding or a grandkid’s birth. We’ll see if she lightens up, and I soften up by then (now, I have no desire to be around her, and wouldn’t take her back unless she went through several years of intensive therapy with proven results). Those who have children must remember that once you have kids, you are married to that person for life, and if you end your marriage in a mean or insensitive or conflictive way, you will harm your children. For life. Even if they are college age or beyond.
Arnold – I know that learning that your marriage is over through a note or email or legal papers is very hurtful but I also understand why some people do it. I don’t support someone doing this when it is done with the intent of punishing or getting revenge but if it is the only way that a person can find the courage to leave, I completely understand it.
I hope at some point you gain the understanding of why your wife felt compel to act in this way.
Sincerely,
Mandy
Hi Arnold,
I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter – that is a great tragedy and must be heartbreaking for your all.
Thank goodness your children have you and yes, I absolutely agree that age 18 is just a number and the parenting doesn’t stop.
As I said, I don’t condone leaving with a note but I do understand why people do this. Given your wife’s family situation and her non-contact with your children it seems pretty clear that she has some severe psychological problems. Those won’t get better on their own but it doesn’t sound like she’s willing to seek treatment. That’s the path she’s chosen.
And because of her choices you have additional responsibilities as a parent. Your children would be lost without you.
I wish you strength and courage ~ Mandy