Today, I’m starting a new series featuring Emma. Emma is a blogger and her first post was How I Left My Husband on My Lunch Break. The header photo of Emma’s blog is from her wedding day – it’s very telling and we’ll get to that. First, let me introduce Emma.
Emma was married for just a year before she left her husband. What struck me about her story was the profound impact divorce has had on her. Before I started this blog, I hadn’t talked to many divorced women about their experience and I naively assumed that the ending of a short marriage must be relatively painless. Through my interviews however, I’ve come to understand that it just isn’t as simple as that. In coming posts, I’ll share Emma’s experience and how she’s grown since her divorce but to begin, I asked Emma when she realized her marriage was troubled and if there was a particular event that made it obvious to her that she needed to leave.
***
It was pretty evident just immediately after the wedding that it was not right for me. We were fighting a lot but he brought things to a new level. Just uttering one word – the C word – at me was enough to make me realize that anyone who would use that kind of word wasn’t someone I would even want to be friends with, let alone married to. It was just so wrong. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
I did have glimpses of his behavior when we were dating but they were easier to recognize with hindsight. I consider myself a pretty strong woman and I put up with a lot of crap from him. It scares me to realize how I let someone else control me.
The wedding photo on my blog was taken before our ceremony. I was walking around with my bridesmaids and I saw the “Dead End” sign. I thought it would be funny if we all posed in front of the sign, just as a joke. We’re all making these goofy faces – frowning, rolling eyes, eyes closed. I think it captures perfectly what that wedding day actually turned out to be. It was very prophetic. It truly was a dead end marriage for me.
***
Emma’s C-word is what I call the Divorce Catalyst. For some people, it is a cataclysmic event, like the discovery of an extramarital affair, your spouse coming out or the disclosure of significant debt. For other people, the event is more symbolic. On it’s own it might be relatively minor but in the bigger picture, it symbolizes the hopelessness of the marriage. I had spent a whole year wondering if divorce was an option for me and then there were two events – I’m not able to publicly share the specific details of those events, but within hours of the second one, I had made an appointment with a therapist and found a referral for a divorce attorney. Those two events conveyed to me just how remote the possibility of change for the better was.
If you are divorced, what was the catalyst in your situation? Was it a major event or a minor trigger?
Photo Credit:
T says
January 6, 2010 at 10:19 amI had discovered my husband’s affair an entire year prior. I wanted to work through it, just as we’d worked through mine. He, however, was already emotionally checked out.
A year to the day after I found out about his affair, I called him while he was at work. I was feeling especially vulnerable because it didn’t seem that much had changed in the year we’d tried to “work at it”. I told him how I was feeling and that I would like reassurance that his affair was over. I asked for the password for his email. He said no.
I asked if his privacy was more important than our marriage and he said yes.
That was it. Done. I told him I wanted a divorce that day.
Rick says
May 22, 2010 at 10:07 am..mine was slowly going downhill month after month.. I helped raise her three kids with no complaints and tried to be a good husband and stepfather. More and more and eventually all her attention went to the kids and I devolved into a roommate with a paycheck to pay bills..then one day as i was sitting on the computer she walked by and I asked "Hon, do you know that in two weeks it will be a year since we have made love?" Her response?.." OH really?! wow…well I am sorry"… and then she walks off with handful of laundry never breaking stride. My thought was so sad to walk away on our anniversary..I left that day, on our 5th year anniversary, never looked back since…i do miss the dogs though..
SinceMyDivorce says
May 22, 2010 at 11:32 pmDisagreements over frequency of sex is high on the list of the majors contributors to divorce and in my non-expert opinion, a year without intimacy is a definite indicator of problems. Sounds like leaving was the right choice for you. I expect her kids miss you. Do you have any contact with them?