Once Swati saw the divorce red flags, accepted that her marriage could not be saved and filed for divorce, her husband started to harass her. They were still living together in the same house, Swati having been led to believe they were required to do so by the laws of Illinois until the divorce was final. Her husband was a fighter and there seemed to be no end to the negotiations. Then Swati’s therapist gave her the solution. Here’s Swati:
I had a wonderful therapist who said,
You need to move out, and move out with your daughter because if you move out without your child, you’re abandoning them. Just move out with your daughter, it won’t be abandonment. You will have to go in front of the judge and explain yourself, but trust me, they will not make you move back in.
I was so frightened when she said that, but I agreed that he wasn’t going to move out because I was paying for everything. I was supporting him. So then she did this technique with me that I think is common in therapy. She said,
I want you to close your eyes and tell me everything that scares you about you moving out and imagine that all of it happens, imagine all of the worst things happen. Tell me everything it is.
So I said, “Well, I move out, have to go to court and then my ex husband disappears with my daughter.”
She was like “OK, so far he’s only ever spent a maximum of six or eight hours with her on her own…” because he kept disappearing, he was seeing somebody else. But then she said “I’ll give you that. Say he disappears for three weeks. Just say you have to not see your daughter for three weeks and you know somebody will find him, etc….isn’t that worth the price of your freedom, to be out of there?”
I thought about what she said and I finally came to terms with it, “She’s right. I have to be the one who gets out.” She talked to me the Monday or Tuesday of one week and the same week I was like “I must move out” and once I decide, I mobilize immediately. I called four girlfriends, they said they would come over that Thursday, two days later, they said they would send three movers.
When the movers got there I said,
“I’ll tip each of you $50 if you get me out in an hour.”
At this time, we had a huge town home with three bedrooms, two living rooms … it was a fully furnished home, but I decided I didn’t want to take anything, even though I had bought all of it because it would make me think of our marriage. All I really wanted to take was my daughter’s clothes, my clothes, her crib and a couple of things that were personal mementos for me and had some memories. I moved out with very little stuff. It was no problem to move out in an hour.
My attorney didn’t want me to move out, of course, but I did and then he said, “As soon as you move out, you need to call us because I need to fax his attorney and tell him you’ve moved out and tell him that that Friday, the next day, is his parenting time and you’re not trying to take away his parenting time because you can get arrested for that.”
So, he did that and we went in front of the judge the next morning. She ordered me to pay my husband $1,000 to help with the next month’s mortgage, which wasn’t even half. I could tell they felt bad for me. I didn’t have to go back, I was so happy. He had no way to continuously harass me every moment of every day and night anymore.
I don’t think my attorneys could have told me to move out because it’s not legal but if you move out with your kid, you haven’t abandoned your child. I really could not have done that without my therapist and I think it was great advice. I wish I had moved out earlier because the divorce took sixteen-seventeen months, it really didn’t need to take that long.
The Divorce Coach Says
I’m not a lawyer and I’m not familiar with divorce in Illinois but it seems insane to require that two people who are ending their marriage continue to live under the same roof until the divorce is final. Sometimes it takes a little out-of-the-box thinking to figure out how you can solve your problem while still abiding by the law. Thankfully Swati had her therapist to help her figure out how to end the harassment.
I really like that technique of verbalizing your worst fears. When I’m avoiding something or procrastinating, it’s usually a sign there’s something about it that’s scaring me. Granted, I have nothing going on in my life that would be as harrowing as harassment or possibly losing custody of my children, but I can see me using this technique.
Sometimes it takes an action like moving out, for your spouse to accept that your marriage is really over, like Emma who left her husband on her lunch break. I didn’t have to resort to anything quite so drastic but it did take my ex a long time to accept we were divorcing. As I recall, we’d agreed in the September that he would move out and that we would tell the children like a week before he was moving out. Well, September went, October came and went, still no sign of moving out. Then in early November I said we needed to tell the children because I couldn’t go through the holidays carrying this secret. We told them and November went, and still no move.
The kids and I traveled to England for Christmas and came back to tons of snow due to a blizzard in Denver. As I was shoveling the driveway, I asked if he’d found an apartment. No, he hadn’t. He thought that I might have had second thoughts while in England. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing but no, I hadn’t changed my mind. Within two weeks of that, we filed for divorce and he moved out.
Coming next, what it took for Swati to get her husband to settle and avoid court.
Would you like to read these posts from the convenience of your email? Join my mailing list and receive a free copy of the ebook Untangling From Your Spouse: How To Prepare For Divorce.
I told my ex I wanted a divorce on a Saturday and moved out on Monday with my children. He made all kinds of threats and then backtracked when he saw I was serious. I also just took what I needed for the children and bought everything else. It was funny, he actually asked what I was going to do with the kids. I told him I was taking them, and of course he could see them. He said good, he just didn’t want them left here!
I’m in Illinois, too. I had no children to complicate my divorce, but I did move out for the last month. I was buying him out of the house so I really wanted him to move but he refused. He said his lawyer advised him to stay until the end.
My lawyer told me we couldn’t get him removed unless he was abusing me, and he wasn’t. But I just couldn’t keep seeing him every day; it was too upsetting to me.
While I know a lot of people lament that divorce is “too easy,” for those of us that have been through it, that’s very rarely the case! Especially with children. There still remains this assumption that when you have children, the best thing is for both parents to live with the child. In Swati’s situation, this most certainly wasn’t true.
I’m glad she had a good therapist, and good friends to help her get through that first big step.
Thanks everyone – and it’s good to hear that others have made it through similar circumstances….strong when we need to be..
Swati
I left unannounced, too (I’m the one who left on my lunch break!), but it definitely would have been more difficult with a child involved. Good for you, Swati!
It would definitely be harder with children involved, a lot more logistics and be careful not to fall foul of any laws that would mean you were preventing your spouse from having access to the children. But I definitely understand how it can come to that.
Ugg. I still remember trying to get my ex to move out once things were falling apart. He kept refusing. When we finally agreed to divorce, he still lived with us 3 more months. I couldn’t take it…as I was handling all the bills and seeing so many charges at places he wasn’t taking me and girls phone #’s on his cell bill. I told him I felt really dirty that he was doing all of that while still living with me and our daughters. He finally moved in with his brother and has been living there since then (nearly 5 years!).
I know that many states require a waiting period after filing for divorce but forcing someone to stay together in a house where there is possibly abuse? I agree with you. Insane.
Glad she got outta there!
Ending a marriage can definitely bring out the worst behavior in us. Your comment about credit cards reminds me about the usual lawyer advice of separating finances a.s.a.p. and I think that’s something that most of feel awkward doing and we don’t believe our partners would do “stuff like that.”
So glad that this chapter of your life is over, Swati. How about details on the new chapter, with pictures 🙂
Details are coming … but I don’t have photos … maybe Swati will post them at her blog The Single Mothers Chronicles ??
As I read your story, I said to myself, “Hey, this sounds a lot like my story!” My ex also refused to move out. Why should he? He had it made. I worked, he didn’t. I brought home a paycheck, he spent it.
I finally moved out on a Saturday. That morning, he left around 8 a.m., thinking I was still asleep. At 8:01, I jumped out of bed, packed my car with as much stuff as I possibly could and waited for the small U-Haul to arrive (didn’t take much). I took the sofa, but I left the love seat. I took the washer and dryer, but I left the master bedroom set, dining table and all things kitchen-related. Wait, I lied. I took 3 forks, 3 spoons and 3 plates.
Seven months later, I’m very happy on this new journey as a single mom. My friends say I’m a walking sitcom as they laugh out loud at my adventures.
I filed for divorce in December. In fact, we go to court tomorrow morning for temporary orders on child custody and child support. Wish me luck!
I look forward to following your blog and reading the comments that follow. This is the first divorce-related blog that I have enjoyed reading. Thank you!
Wow … what did your ex say? Did you take your child/children with you? How did court go? Did you get what you wanted. Hope you’ll be back to share more of your story and insights.
Well, I had been telling my ex for about a month that I would move out (with our two daughters) if he did not move out. He didn’t believe me. When I finally secured a rental house, I looked at the calendar and picked that Saturday. The Wednesday before, I told him again that I was leaving him. Again, he didn’t believe me and he laughed in my face. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life, but it was worth it.
As for court… Well, it was going really well until he freaked out when it hit him that I was asking for sole legal custody. He claimed not to know my intentions even though he’s had the papers since early January.
We were able to agree on a visitation schedule, but that’s about it. Right before we were about to begin testimony, he told the judge he wanted to consult an attorney and refused to answer any questions. The judge said, “Do you really want to come back here in a month and do this all over again? We can get a lot done right here, right now.” My ex stood his ground and said he’d rather come back in a month.
The judge, however, did grant me temporary orders for sole legal custody and protected address (I’m protecting my new address from my ex to protect my oldest daughter’s mental health and to eliminate any drama on my doorstep).
I admire your courage, BuyMeDinner. I’m sorry you’ll have to go back to court although I can understand why your ex would want to consult with an attorney to understand what giving you sole custody would really mean for him. I’m reading between the lines but people don’t ask for sole custody without good reason and also for a protected address. Stay safe and hold your daughters close to you. You’re being the mother they need you to be. Remember to take care of yourself too.
Thank you, Mandy! I do understand why he wants to consult an attorney. What I don’t understand is why he waited so long.
In a nutshell, I’m asking for sole legal custody because of his aggressive behavior towards our oldest daughter (emotional/verbal abuse) and his behavior with our youngest daughter since the separation (i.e. asking me for money through her or in front of her, arguing with me in front of her). There’s so much more… At first, my attorney tried to discourage me from asking for sole custody because it’s hard to get. I was half way down my list of the reasons why when she said, “OK, stop. You have more than enough reason.”
As I mentioned in my prior post, in court yesterday we agreed on a visitation schedule which was to begin with him picking up our youngest daughter from school tomorrow. Guess what? Yup… He’s not going to.
P.S. Pedi’s and Moscato with my girlfriends this weekend! 🙂
BuyMeDinner – It’s understandable when one parent occasionally needs to change their parenting time – that’s life but when it’s habitual, like it sounds in your ex’s case, then it says to the children that they aren’t important to that parent, they are not a priority and that is so hurtful. I hope you’re successful with getting sole custody and enjoy those pedis!