I haven’t met anyone yet who thought their divorce was easy and for most of us, our friends become more important. For Lorraine, it was especially hard because the friends she thought she had disappeared. Her faith in human kindness was restored however by the support she did get.
The support of people who came forward really got me through my breakup. You have the Air Force the whole time you’re in the military. They are your family and there’s this whole support group – almost a clique for lack of a better word. It’s your social life, your support network – they help you with moves, they help you professionally, they help you personally.
But as soon as you on the outs, those people are gone. The floor just falls away and they want nothing to do with you. Frankly, since my husband was having an affair with another military officer, no one wanted to come near me because no one wanted to be subpoenaed to discuss the issue. So I lost a huge support base there.
However, neighbors, friends, people I thought of as acquaintances, I was amazed. They came forward and said, ‘Hey let’s make a movie night and we’d go to the movies once a week.’ That’s another lesson from all this – grab onto the people in your life because the people and the connections you have is what life is about ultimately.
It was very eye opening because my whole life, everything had been given me. I was popular in high school, was in a sorority in college, had my husband, had instant friends everywhere in the military and then all of a sudden when you see the bottom drop out, you gain a greater depth and appreciation for people.
People do want to help. They like to feel needed and important in your life. From an emotional standpoint, it is amazing how people will rally round and help you, if you open yourself up and avail yourself of that. Everybody’s emotionally different – some people prefer to ball up in their closet and cry with a bottle of vodka for a week. Everyone has their different ways of coping but for me it was definitely just trying to stay as busy as I could and letting these new friendships come into my life, not to take that for granted and to appreciate and enjoy that. See the good side of people.
On the flip side, I think I’ve also become more critical of people. I don’t tolerate as much. I’ve had friends who are fooling around with married men and I don’t want to associate with someone who chooses to live their life that way. Everyone makes mistakes and I think it’s not your mistakes but how you handle them, that matters. My divorce has definitely made me more selective in my friendships.
The Divorce Coach Says
When I interviewed Melanie about her most significant accomplishment since her divorce, she said ‘learning to ask for help’ and that speaks to what Lorraine is expressing here. Melanie talks about the importance of reconnecting with friends and relatives. I found that much easier to do once I wasn’t living behind the facade of ‘our happy marriage’ and could let that guard down. In the last couple of years I have reconnected with a number of friends I’d lost touch with and every one of them has been welcoming. I think Lorraine is on the money – you have to open yourself up to others. Did someone help you in a surprising way? Did your support come from an unexpected source?