Despite ongoing discussions, some spouses are genuinely surprised when their partner announces that the marriage is over and they want a divorce. To the spouse who made the decision, this seems incredulous and unbelievable. How could their spouse have a completely opposite view on something that was so obvious to them?
My current guest, Candi was married for thirty-five years. The divorce was her decision and it was a decision that had been made a long time before she and husband broke up. Even though she’d told him many times over the years that she was planning on divorce, he was still surprised by the divorce papers. Here’s Candi:
I left four years ago but only for six months. When I moved back home, he knew then I wanted a divorce. I told him then, that I wasn’t staying. He never believed it.
When he was served with the divorce papers last spring, he called me in total shock. He could not believe it and right up until the day that it was declared final in September, he just could not believe that I did that. He’ll tell you right now, he never believed that I would divorce him. He just never believed it. He thought we had been together for so long that we were just going to stay together and that was going to be it.
On some level, I kind of understand it, because I guess in his mind I put up with all the things that he did and he just thought that I would put up with them forever, because I didn’t turn around and take the kids and walk away. He thought that I would just put up with it forever. On another level, I’m thinking that’s crazy and in constant denial.
Even now, he said to me the other day that ten years from now if I hadn’t found anybody, he’ll still take me back. So, he still can’t believe that it’s over.
It doesn’t make me wonder about my decision. I think that he does love me and I think that’s half of it. I think the other half of it is that he’s just so used to me, he’s so comfortable with me and I think that he thinks that he’s never going to find that again, that it’s not possible for him to find that again. It took so many years to get that way, he doesn’t have that many years left to get that way again with somebody else.
He just has no idea how to conduct a relationship. He really doesn’t. Let’s face it, even at 58 this year, he’s really set in his ways. He’s not willing to change one little bit, so that’s his problem.
I don’t recommend telling your spouse you want a divorce by serving them with divorce papers unless your personal safety is at risk or there are other urgent reasons you need to protect yourself, such as securing access to funds.
Serving papers without preceding discussions makes it a brutal shock and puts your spouse under pressure to meet legal deadlines while in an emotional fog. This is the person you once loved – this is not the way to treat them with respect and compassion and it will almost certainly make the divorce process more difficult.
Ideally, the divorce papers should not come as a surprise. Ideally, you will have had many conversations about your marriage. Ideally, you will have taken the necessary precautions to protect yourself from potential adverse reactions. Ideally, your spouse will understand that you are serious and that your marriage cannot be saved.
But sometimes you do need a mallet (or divorce papers) to get the message across …
So why does this happen?
It could be that your spouse simply doesn’t see divorce as an option and they’re functioning with the expectation that marriage is a lifelong commitment no matter what.
It could be that they don’t believe that you would ever leave, that you aren’t capable of living alone or that you wouldn’t have the courage to leave.
It could be they are in denial – they don’t want to face reality and hope that by ignoring the issue it will go away.
It could also be that they are afraid of what life after divorce would mean and don’t want to face it.
Are you getting the sense that your spouse is not hearing you? Does it worry you? Does it change your planning?
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I have told my husband over and over for the last several months I think it’s best that we part ways and divorce He continuously acts like everything is “normal”. I know part of the problem is that I don’t follow up with actions yet….but when I do,he’s going to be completely dumbfounded.
Yes, and he’ll probably say he didn’t realize you were serious or that because you hadn’t said anything else, you’d changed your mind and you’ll want to scream 🙂 I wish you strength and courage. Please let me know if I can be of assistance.
Thank you Mandy. I appreciate your encouragement.
I am struggling with this. I moved out to give me space from the abuse and constant lack of physical and mental space so I can leave. But then my parents convinced me to move back. It’s been a week and I am not happy. I am physically here but emotionally out. My OH becomes aggressive if I tell him I don’t love him and wish to leave….tells me I should just find a way to be happy in our marriage. But I can’t. Feel the heavy weight of doing the right thing by others but it’s not the right thing for me…and then the fear of aggression again. I’m hoping the new marriage counsellor can help as she seems to understand that one cannot force themselve to be happy. Our previous counselloe essentially said he isn’t budging on his view point so maybe I should reconsider! That just gave him more conviction that he is right in telling me “Divorce is immoral, it is for Americans, marriage is for life, and we have a 2 year old and divorcing makes me a bad mother”.
I hope finding your website will give me the courage to face the world and do what I believe is right for me…it may not be right for everyone else, but I am sure I can make it work for my daughter…I just hope he can be sensible about childcare too.
My wife handed me surprise divorce papers and moved out of town 3 hours later, telling me and the kids (college age) that she would never come back to the area.
Even though the kids are college age, they were shocked and angry. I had to bring them together and tell them that this had nothing to do with them and try to calm them down, while I was in a total fog. One kid, who commutes to college from home, has had no contact with her (my wife hasn’t called him, either). My daughter, away at her freshman year, has had two phone calls with my wife. She called her mother only after I urged her to do so.
As for me, I was shocked, and because my wife will have no contact with me, am preparing for every possibility. I’m finding long filed away records that will actually damage her legal case that I never would have looked for had she been willing to discuss financial terms openly with me, either when she left or now (three months later).
The best thing to do is to have a direct, private conversation with your husband or wife, telling him or her as nicely as possible that you want a divorce. Be prepared for anything from shock to pleas to an outburst, but keep your cool. Then, after you’ve given it some time, tell the kids jointly what is going to happen.
My kids will forever have a memory of their mother running away. I have no idea what that will do to them in the long run.
Thank you for sharing this Arnold. The way your wife is handling this makes it very painful for everyone. It’s very odd that she’s had so little contact with your children and her own family. Makes me wonder if something else is going on such as depression or addiction.
Learning of their parents’ divorce is always hard for children, no matter how old they are. They need you now more than ever so hold them close and keep telling them you love them.
Wishing you strength and courage,
Mandy
Arnold I am so sorry she did that to you. My friend, his wife in every argument said she wanted a divorce and he called her bluff and filed. Now she is scrambling to stop the divorce, but I fear it’s too late.
I have not found anything for her on the internet to help her. I feel bad for my friend too as he is/was just fed up.
Maybe instead of spending all that effort planning an out, people actually worked on their marriages and even themselves? This dumbfounds me that so many people happily place all that energy in planning to leave when an equal amount of energy might make a difference if they reframed their lives and how their lives occur and plan to stay.
I know some marriages are just not good and nothing that is said or done can change that, but plan to stay and work on it and if it still doesn’t work at least you had that before you pull the pin!
Dear Flummoxed2 – in my experience people don’t make the decision to divorce quickly and not without having worked on their marriage and yes, getting divorced can take a significant amount of energy and preparation. It’s that forethought and deliberation that can help to make it less stressful.
A friend is going through a divorce, except his wife kept telling him she wanted a divorce, so he called her bluff and filed and now she is trying to stop the divorce.
I have not been able to find anything with regards to this type of situation.
This in my marriage exactly. We’ve been going in circles for years. I’ve put my entire heart into it and tried my hardest to make it work. It’s emotionally drained me and taking its toll on my physical health I asked for divorce then separation because I’m honestly so burnt out by a relationship I’ve given up on every being with someone. He ignores me and the topic pretending it doesn’t exist. I requested separation and told everyone else even the daily and still he’s in denial. He won’t tall about it but that’s really the status quo of every conversation I try to have with him about anything. He has no friends no hobbies no ambitions in life and has no consideration for me or respect of me as a mother. We’ve slept in different rooms for 3 years. So because he refuses to address it is either have to file legally which sucks because of finances or accept I’ll never find love, never hace sex again at 37 and live miserably.
This in my marriage exactly. We’ve been going in circles for years. I’ve put my entire heart into it and tried my hardest to make it work. It’s emotionally drained me and taking its toll on my physical health I asked for divorce then separation because I’m honestly so burnt out by a relationship I’ve given up on every being with someone. He ignores me and the topic pretending it doesn’t exist. I requested separation and told everyone else even the family and still he’s in denial. He won’t talk about it but that’s really the status quo of every conversation I try to have with him about anything. He has no friends no hobbies no ambitions in life and has no consideration for me or respect of me as a mother of 3. Were both full time employees. We’ve slept in different rooms for 3 years. He has no interest in me, never indicates interest in sex. We probavly had sex 15 times in 13 years but have been together for 19. He’s my first and only. So because he refuses to address it, refuses narruage counciling, id either have to file legally which sucks because of finances or accept I’ll never find love, never have sex again at 37 and live miserably.
Hi Kathleen,
He is not going to make it easy for you and that’s how it is for many people. In over 80 percent of divorces, the decision to end the marriage is made unilaterally. So you do have to decide if this is the relationship you want or if you believe you could be more content outside the marriage, whether or not you meet someone else.
I obviously don’t know you financial situation but before you make your decision I would encourage you to do your research on the laws in your jurisdiction with respect to the division of assets and child and spousal support. Once you have this information, then you can make a realistic assessment of your likely financial situation post-divorce.
And sometimes, people know they need to end their marriage and so they start planning and preparing for that which can mean taking the time to build up your career to make it more financially viable to leave.
Wishing you strength and courage,
Mandy
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