Since My Divorce

divorce advice | divorce support | divorce help | divorce coaching

  • Home
  • About Mandy
  • Story Catalog
  • Topics
    • Career and Work
    • Dating After Divorce
    • Getting Divorced
    • Infidelity
    • Legal Stuff
    • Money Matters
    • Solo Living
    • Parenting And Divorce
    • Your Ex
    • Wisdom From Divorce
  • Essential Reading
  • Contact
    • Sponsored Posts
You are here: Home / Getting Divorced / When Divorce Is Not An Option

When Divorce Is Not An Option

August 18, 2011 By Mandy Walker 10 Comments

Wedding vows are a central part of most wedding ceremonies. Perhaps more than the legalities, it is these vows and our beliefs in marriage that make ending a marriage so hard. They’re what make us believe that divorce is not an option.

Today I’d like to introduce you to Molly who writes the blog, Postcards from a Peaceful Divorce. Don’t be fooled by the blog title. Molly would be the first to tell you that her relationship with her ex while close is not conflict-free. However, it was the concept of a “Peaceful Divorce” that made me want to talk to her. It’s so different from what is generally portrayed and just as my last guest, Judy said, we open ourselves up to new possibilities when we share stories like this.

Molly was with her husband for thirteen years and they split up just over four years ago when their two children were aged five and three and Molly was forty.  Molly didn’t want a divorce, she still loved her husband and wanted desperately to hold on. Divorce was not an option. Here’s Molly:

The love never died, so I just felt like we really loved each other. I hate to say this, but when we were in grad school, before we had kids, our relationship was really, really great. I think I held on to that vision of how much I loved him.

Also my parents have been married forty-nine years and to me, divorce was never an option, never even an option. Never something I would in a million years consider. I thought it was for people who gave up. It just wasn’t something I was willing to consider at all.

When he said,

“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t stop being angry. I can’t find a way to change our dynamic and I feel like I need to leave,”

my first response was,

“How could you do this to our family? How could you do this to me?”

I didn’t see it as having any possible positive aspect to it. I just was,

“No, this would be devastating to us on so many levels.”

I remember the month and a half he was living here and looking for apartments. That was a tough time and I kept coming up with new reasons why he should stay and he just kept saying,

“No, no, I have to do this. I have to do this.”

I also underestimated the amount of stress that the conflict in our marriage and the toll that it was taking on me. You sort of accept it day by day by day until you realize you’re carrying this big burden.

I also took it like “there’s not anything I can’t handle. I can do this. I can handle this stress” but once he left I realized how much better I felt. It was pretty instantaneous and that surprised me.

At some point pretty quickly after he left, I gave up the struggle and I said

“I can’t do this. He left, he swears that it’s not a trial separation, he says he’s gone. I’m feeling better, I need to just let it go and move on with my life.”

Once I started looking for the positive aspects of the divorce and seeing a few of them, it became more and more evident and magnified how many benefits there were.

The Divorce Coach Says

Like Molly, I didn’t even consider divorce as an option for a number of years but once I started to believe that the dynamic between my husband and I was not going to change, it became clear to me that it was indeed an option and a very viable one at that. I can’t say that I wish I’d considered it sooner – I probably wouldn’t have been ready any earlier to accept that our marriage needed to end. However, I am surprised how easy it was for me to dismiss the idea without even knowing much about it. What I did know about divorce was based largely on media portrayals. So my advice to someone facing marital challenges today would be a balanced approached. Absolutely try marriage counseling but also talk to people about divorce and their experience.

The ending of my marriage involved nine months of discussions during which time we were still living together. Our discussions weren’t loud, angry shouting matches but they seemed to be long, draining, painful circuitous conversations each night over dinner. When my husband finally moved out, the relief was instant. The atmosphere in the house changed immediately and the stress in my shoulders dissolved. For the first time in a long time, I could come home and relax and just be.

 

Filed Under: Getting Divorced

« Adding New Partners To The Coparenting Mix
Peace And Divorce Can Go Together »

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Comments

  1. PostDivorceCoach says

    August 18, 2011 at 1:45 pm

    Sometimes the hardest part is making the decision, but once you get there, it’s like a sigh of relief…then the healing can start.

    Reply
    • Anonymous says

      August 19, 2011 at 8:06 pm

      I agree and especially if you’ve been in the mindset where you can’t even consider divorce.

      Reply
  2. TsQuest says

    August 18, 2011 at 8:13 pm

    I love Molly! So happy that you’re featuring her here!

    Reply
    • Anonymous says

      August 19, 2011 at 8:10 pm

      Glad to hear it. I enjoyed interviewing her and I get a lot out of reading her blog. She really makes me think about how I’m interacting with my ex.

      Reply
  3. nicola says

    August 19, 2011 at 1:00 am

    A great article!:D

    Reply
  4. DivorceUtah says

    August 20, 2011 at 10:02 am

    Really enjoyed reading the post. A good one indeed. 

    Reply
  5. Misha says

    January 12, 2013 at 3:10 pm

    Little disappointed. Divorce IS never an option in the eyes of God and I was looking for a solution not a push in the wrong direction.

    Reply
    • Mandy Walker says

      January 13, 2013 at 11:25 am

      Hi Misha,
      I’m sorry you’re disappointed. I have interviewed several women whose faith guided them through divorce and they all struggle with the question of what God thinks of divorce. If you’re up for reading more I’d suggest you read Elsi’s story: https://sincemydivorce.com/does-god-think-of-divorce/ and also Vivianne’s story: https://sincemydivorce.com/divorced-but-still-married-says-catholic-church/ . I’d also refer you to DivorceBusting.com as a resource for marriage counseling.

      Reply
  6. YRR says

    April 13, 2013 at 1:28 pm

    Oh my! Three weeks ago, my husband blindsided me with the word “divorce” and I have been a complete wreck! He & I come from two different backgrounds…my parents were married about 40 yrs until my father passed aways..Divorce is not an option for me because I believe when you make a commitment with your spouse, you will do what it takes to stay married. I have been fighting to keep my marriage together only because the issue we have has never been fully dealt with..meaning we never attempted to attend counseling, as much as I pushed for it, but he never wanted to go. We get along well and love each other, but there is this one issue we have, which is he travels and we lost the “connection” we used to have. Therefore, I built so much resentment about it and didn’t realize it until I started seeing a therapist. He comes from a background that when you’re not happy, the solution is to just walk away versus fighting to stay together. Keep in mind, this is his 3rd marriage & my first..red flag there for me, but we had this love & passion. Once he started travelling, we lost it! I am constantly praying to GOD to get through this and hope to keep my marriage together, but it is in God’s plan.

    Reply
    • Mandy Walker says

      April 14, 2013 at 8:34 am

      @YRR – you have a difficult path ahead. There’s no way to keep a marriage together if your spouse has decided on divorce. Maybe you can discuss a separation and try to rejuvenate your relationship by dating during the separation. I still would strongly recommend that you seek legal advice to start evaluating your position if your husband moves ahead with your divorce. You might also try my ebook on Amazon – Untangling From Your Spouse: Preparing For Your Divorce https://sincemydivorce.com/untangling.

      I also offer divorce coaching and am happy to have a 30 minute New Beginnings phone consultation at no charge to see if it would be a good fit for you.

      Reply

Favorite Posts

•How To Be Smart About Dividing Your Household Items In Divorce
•What Happens When Marriages Suddenly End
•When Your Spouse Says I Don't Love You
•I Wish My Husband Would Die
•Are You Tolerating A Sexless Marriage?

Review Posts

•Worthy - The Best Option For Selling Your Diamond After Divorce
•Our Family Wizard App Review - Co-parenting Communications

Podcast

Follow me!

Follow Us on FacebookFollow Us on Twitter

Looking for something?

Try my Essential Reading, browsing through my Story Catalog or use the search box below.

Archives

The Official Stuff

Disclosures

Privacy Policy

Terms And Conditions

Copyright © 2023 Walker Business Ventures LLC/Since My Divorce