No matter how amicable two parties may seem, divorce is rarely easy. It signifies the end of what was meant to be a time of love and peace and results in moving towards a new direction. Divorce is rife with uncertainty, hurt feelings, anger, and dozens of emotions that can be hard to understand.
Keeping the peace during the divorce process is something that is often overlooked because of those emotions. By keeping the peace, anger can at least be managed so that both sides can come to a more amicable solution.
Here are a few things to keep in mind when trying to create a peaceful agreement, leading to an ultimately amicable divorce.
Work And Money
One of the most trying aspects of divorce involves finances. Generally speaking, divorce is long and expensive, leading to both sides feeling the entire process’s fiscal impact. That is why approaching the divorce in a way that is fair and amicable is so essential.
Understandably, tensions can run high and emotions even higher. When emotions are high, neither side is willing to bend or compromise. Ultimately, this is what leads to the expensive, vicious divorces that we are most familiar with.
Keep in mind that going to court is rarely the answer to solving money issues. Especially during times like these where COVID-19 is so prevalent, going through the courts can be the least productive method available.
Going through a mediator is a great way to open up conversations and help deal with any potential short-term money stresses that may arise. Ultimately, it comes down to being reasonable and amicable with your soon-to-be-ex-spouse.
School And Child Activities
Things are drastically different due to COVID-19. While some schools are back in session, many others resort to Zoom calls, causing children to miss out on social activities and playtime. With many extracurricular sports and activities canceled, finding fun things to do with your children is more important than ever. Not only is it challenging to find new things to do with your kids, but it can also be quite tricky to manage their school schedules, after-school activities, and parenting agendas.
Whatever the case may be, it is important to work with one another throughout the process of divorce and beyond. Like it or not, that person will be a part of your life forever due to the connection you share with your children. Making things more difficult will only create more stress, both for each other but with the kids as well.
Try working out a schedule for school and homestays. Understanding where the kids will be and when can be hugely beneficial for minimizing contact between you and your ex-spouse during the process of divorce and beyond.
Even if things are amicable and fighting isn’t particularly vicious, keeping communication to a minimum is of the utmost importance. It limits the potential for disagreements and fights, thus limiting the potential for those things in front of your kids.
Try to keep in mind that the children are the most important thing, particularly their educations. With a shared goal in front of you, it makes it much easier to maintain positive, amicable communication all the while.
Communication
One of the most difficult aspects of divorce is communication. While this can be understandable – after all, things are ending on a negative note, and that rarely leads to healthy or positive interactions – it is important to set boundaries and guidelines for communication.
Particularly conflicted relationships, as mentioned above, should keep interactions to a minimum. If at all possible, leaving contact to text or email is the best way because it can leave the tone out of it, and the tone generally leads to the most arguments.
It is also imperative to keep those negative interactions behind closed doors. The last thing that anyone wants in a divorce is to air their dirty laundry out in front of the children. While emotions can run high, try to come to an understanding that there will be no fighting in front of the children.
Planning ahead is another significant way to combat negative interactions. One of the major factors in fights between former spouses is a lack of planning and understanding. One parent may think that plans are one way while the other think they may be different. All that happens out of this is tension, anger, and fighting.
Having a co-parenting calendar can be a great way to reduce confusion and produce more amicable interactions when they do need to happen. Knowing where your children should be and with whom takes the guesswork out of the equation and will lead to fewer negative impacts on either of your lives.
Understanding is also important. Even the best-laid plans can go awry, so having a little understanding can go a long way towards preventing arguments or fights. In most cases, the other person is not trying to be difficult; things just happen. Even if they are trying to be difficult, nothing good will come of starting a fight with them. Tough as it may be, try to let those little inconveniences go when possible.
Rotations
For better or worse, your post-divorce life will have one major factor at all times: parental rotations. Unless there is an extreme circumstance that dictates access to the children for only one parent, both will have to share their time in some way.
Understanding those rotations, being flexible, and planning ahead is the way to avoiding confrontation and keeping interactions peaceful. That understanding is important because these schedules can be treated as set in stone.
When “set in stone” schedules are disrupted, it can definitely cause stress and disarray. By being understanding, even in the face of difficult situations, the relationship can remain peaceful, especially in front of the kids.
Putting everyone’s health and well-being first and foremost is essential, particularly in times like these. Perhaps it makes more sense for the kids to remain with one parent; having the understanding necessary to facilitate these circumstances can go a long way.
When it comes to having to give something up – an important date or event – because of fluctuations in the schedule, it is important that both sides try to be accommodating later on. Maybe you have an important event coming up that requires a change in the schedule. If your ex is willing to concede, try to make an effort to make it up to them later on. This will go a long way towards keeping the peace, even in the face of uncertainty.
Most importantly, it is essential to focus on the long-term. For better or worse, this is how things are until your children graduate and leave the house at the very least. Whether there is any communication after that is ultimately up to you, but that is a long, long time away.
Grandparents
Negative feelings can permeate further than just the two divorcing parties. Family members can have hurt feelings in defense of their child and lash out at the ex. It is important to keep grandparents in the mix for the happiness of the children.
Moreover, having the grandparents in the mix can allow for valuable breaks to be had for each parent. Spending a weekend with grandparents can allow both to have a break from the rigors of co-parenting, allowing for a recharge before the return to regular activities.
Being careful with grandparents in these times is also important. COVID-19 has changed how we interact with one another, and older people can be particularly impacted. Be smart, keep lines of communication open, and always have the best intentions of the kids in mind.
It can also be a good idea to let the kids spend time with their grandparents to give them opportunities for new activities. Keeping your kids happy and healthy is the most important thing for any parent, and their relationship with their grandparents can be essential to fostering that happiness.
Being A Parent Is Forever
Despite the fact that fewer and fewer marriages are forever, being a parent doesn’t change. Your commitment to your kids should be the highest level of priority. Working together with your ex to create the best environment for the kids should be number one.
It may be tough, particularly in the face of a new divorce, where tensions and emotions are high, but working together can provide the stable foundation that your kids need to grow, learn, and thrive where others may struggle.
Divorce is a difficult endeavor. Don’t make it any more difficult than it needs to be by digging out your trench and engaging in emotional and verbal warfare with your spouse at all times.
Photo by Deniz Altindas on Unsplash