Another aspect of life after divorce is your relationship with your ex’s family and you may be wondering if divorcing your spouse means divorcing your in-laws.
This is obviously influenced by the relationship you’ve had with them during the marriage and I think also by the duration of your marriage. It’s also a two-way street – both parties have to want to keep the relationship alive and both have to decide not to take sides.
Judy had been married for twenty-eight years – plenty long enough to forge relationships with her ex’s family. When I asked her how things were between her and her former in-laws, here’s the story she told me:
Four or five years ago, my youngest daughter had gone to my former sister-in-law’s house for their Thanksgiving dinner – we always used to have Thanksgiving with his family. Anyway that year, she said to me,
“Mom, something tells me I need to go this year.”
And I was fine with that. My mother-in-law, her grandma was in a nursing home and on the Saturday they had all had dinner there with her. Later my daughter called and said,
“Mom, grandma died this afternoon.”
I really wanted to go and be with them then. My former sister-in-law was fine with me going and I ended up staying at her house.
I went to the funeral and I saw my ex – he was staying somewhere else because there wasn’t room at his sister’s. I would not have recognized him. He had lost so much weight. He did bring his wife and I met her briefly. I chatted with my ex’s brothers and sisters and cousins. Nobody ever said a word about the divorce. They were so glad that I had come.
For his mom, serving Thanksgiving meals was her thing. She loved to cook. She would start cooking pies in September. We always joked that she’d have a pie for each of us. A lot of the funeral was us sitting at Grandma’s table, chatting. I said,
“I have sat at her table for twenty-eight years. I needed to come.”
I don’t think my ex got that but his sister and her husband did. She said,
“I told him, you might have divorced Judy but we didn’t.”
That’s how the family took it.
The Divorce Coach Says
I like to think that sometimes people hold back from you after divorce because they’re not sure what they should say or how they should treat you. May be they don’t have friends who’ve been through divorce, maybe they’re worried that you don’t want to be in touch with them. It’s a whole lot easier to know what to say to someone ending their marriage when you’ve been through divorce yourself or when someone else takes the lead.
So it’s up to you to make the first move. It’s up to you to reach out to them and show them that you still value their friendship. It’s also up to you to set the tone for the relationship … just as first dates don’t want to hear about what was wrong with your marriage, your ex’s family doesn’t want to hear about all the bad things your ex’s has done.
Re-uniting with your former in-laws at a funeral may not be the best circumstance but it does have a lot of the essential elements for keeping it friendly and avoiding awkwardness – you’re there for a specific reason, there are other people around and you can control how long you stay. Judy chose to stay with her former SIL but if that makes you feel awkward you can always stay at a hotel.
The only former in-laws I have are my brother-in-law, his wife and their daughter who live on the East Coast. Pretty shortly after our divorce, they wrote to me that “family is forever” and I appreciated that – I’ve always enjoyed their company. We’ve exchanged emails and gifts but since our divorce I’ve only seen my BIL once or twice when he was in Colorado on business. If I was in that part of the country, I would definitely try to arrange dinner with them.
This is a perfect post!! I still call my ex’s mother mom and I am friends w/them on Facebook, I email his mother & step dad and adore them. I send them birthday cards & gifts & Christmas cards. I always send links to my picasso photos from vacations with the kids, and to the ex too for that matter. He doesn’t have siblings, but I still talk to one of his aunts, as well. These people are in my children’s lives all the time (the ex’s parents spend long vacations with the kids each summer) and I loved them and the loved me. I still love them. My new husband is perfectly fine with this…and greets them at soccer, too.
Wow – congratulations Soccer Mom on getting this to work. I love that you’ve kept them close to you and your children. I think that children do really well when as many aspects as possible of their lives stay the same and having extended family around without divorce-related conflict is such a rich experience.
I think kids benefit from grandparents and aunts & uncles in such an important way and I never want them to feel hostility for any reason if we’re all together. We really try hard to have 0 conflict around…especially w/kids around. We rarely fought as a couple, a few times during the divorce, but really we’ve remained as neutral as possible through it.
My 2nd husband had no parents and he wasn’t close to his brothers, but I am still very close to my first husbands mother and always will be. In fact, I have often told my daughter that she is her “almost” Grandmother and they both love that.
When I was a teenager, my grandparents lived just a ten minute walk away so I would go round there almost every weekend. Usually we’d have tea and play cards. I think those memories make me appreciate the role grandparents play. Unfortunately my children didn’t get to experience that – my ex’s mother suffered with depression and was never well enough to interact with the children on that level and my father lived in England. I would love for them to have an “almost” grandparent 🙂
My father-in-law won’t even look at me, though we’ve been in the same space several times while transfering children, etc. I was the one to initiate the divorce after a series of short terms affairs (by my then husband) over a three-year period. I worked very hard to keep the marriage intact, he chose not to.
I don’t know if FIL is ashamed, angry, or what? But I’ve just let it go. I fully support my children and their relationship with him, we make cards for birthdays etc. But after a 13 year marriage, where he visited for 2-3 per year, I thought he would at least acknowledge me, but he won’t speak or look at me. Weird.
That’s too bad about your FIL, Missy June. Maybe he feels guilty about the way his son treated you but can’t bring himself to say it. Perhaps he doesn’t know about the affairs and only knows you initiated the divorce? Have you tried telling him that you’d like to be at least on speaking terms with him and that he’s an important part of your children’s lives?
Especially if there are kids involved, it’s totally worth making the first move to keeping them close. It took a while, but I am very close with all of my ex-in-laws, and sometimes still refer to them as sis-in-law without the “ex.”
Yeah .. the whole “ex/former” is awkward and probably unnecessary – when I was writing this I was debating with myself whether I needed to use it for clarity???
I love this topic. And I love the line “You might have divorced Judy but we didn’t.” It’s wonderful to see that Judy’s in-laws saw her as a person.
At first, my ex lied to his family about the reason we were divorcing and so they shunned me. After they learned the truth, the tensions eased and we could chat and catch up whenever we saw each other. One time, I saw my ex’s grandparents and his grandpa gave me a hug and told me they missed me. It meant a lot.
I was close to my ex-husband’s mother and visited her whenever in Florida until her death last year. She and his sister basically told him the same thing; we were family regardless of marital status.
I think it was respectful and loving to go pay respects to a woman who you knew for so many years.In addition to showing support to your child who lost a Grand Mother was a wise idea if that was part of the motivation.
I would do the same.However,I feel after a divorce there needs to be some boundaries.Especially if the ex has moved on and remarried.
Being on friendly terms with former in laws is a good thing as long as you keep in mind they are your former in laws and not give the impression you are there to make a point to the ex and new spouse you were the first therefore you trump what comes after.I’m not saying that was the motivation but I’ve experienced this type of behavior as a newer spouse and I avoid it as an ex wife and Mother.
Staying on good terms,occasional contact,expressing well wishes to the ex and new spouse at the same time is in my opinion the decent thing to do.Doing otherwise only prolongs or perpetuates the inability to let go of the past and embrace the here and now,causes the same with any children involved.It also harms the new spouses ability to form relationships with people who are now their in laws or their spouses children.Sometimes even be able to trust them if you get the impression the in laws report all to the ex spouse that is not child related.
How are your relations with your in-laws? What did you do to reach out to them after your divorce?
The question should be,”How are your relations with your former in laws?”
Hopefully most would answer,good,friendly but respectful of my ex and his (or her)current spouse as I’ve moved on in my own life happily.Just something to think about.
Although the ex sister in law invitation to staying at her home was nice of her(and perhaps a back slap to her new sister in law?) it was bad form to accept.Especially since the ex and current wife wasn’t reserved “room” to stay in her home.The truth is they probably didn’t want to stay there because of you.They are his family,you are a former member,mother of children or not.You haven’t remarried have you?
I am an ex wife and I would have said thank you but I’ve made arrangements at local hotel.
I think you make a good point Jane, that maintaining relationships with inlaws (or former inlaws) needs boundaries and honest intentions. If it’s based on genuine love, do it. If it’s based on hurting your ex, stay away.
BTW, I probably worded the question that way because my ex’s brother told me I was family and would always be family – no ex in-laws for us. That’s really the extent of dealing with in laws. Sadly both mine and my ex’s parents have all passed; my sister and brother are both overseas.
Judy rather,as good intentioned as it may have been failed yo observe boundaries.Not the author(my apologies).Judy and all ex spouses should reach out in a way that is not offensive or hurtful to the ex and current spouse.Or participate in former in laws taking the change out on a current spouse especially if they had no part in the failure of the failed marriage.
No problem with confusing me with Judy – it happens often but we can figure it out.
Thanks for this article. My son and his wife divorced after 11 years, and my son now has a new partner. I love both his ex-wife and his new partner. I am determined to continue a good relationship with both of them. I have access to my grandchildren (who live full time with their mum) and my son and his partner have access as well.I think it is very important for my grandchildren to know that I have enough love for both of these beautiful women. I love to arrange “get-togethers” so that all 6 of our grandchildren can have fun together. I believe that it is possible for my ex daughter in law, and my new daughter in law to be able to accept one another and attend celebrations together. This is all new territory for me, but I believe that divorce does not have to break a family apart. I will do all I can to spread the love around! This will be our first Christmas together, so will just wait and see how it all turns out!!!
I don’t necessarily agree that “it is up to you to make the first move” as the former daughter or son-in-law. I guess it depends on the circumstances of the divorce, whether it was amicable, whether it was the result of a betrayal by one of the parties etc or who was responsible. I separated from my husband 12 months ago after 25 years of marriage due to his absolutely appalling behaviour involving my nextdoor neighbour and another woman. I won’t go into the details here but you can imagine. I was left devastated and totally blindsided. I threw him out of the house immediately. I had a lovely relationship with his mother prior to this and a close relationship with all his other family. Only one member of that family has actually reached out to me though. The others, whilst not exactly banishing me from their lives, have basically said nothing about his actions including his mother. They have said nothing or given me any indication that they appreciate how devastating this must be for me and our children. I’m sorry, but in this instance I do not feel it is my job to make the first move. Yes, it is awkward, yes it is hard for people to know what to say but seriously……I have held them all in my arms during the various tragedies in their lives, I have not sat there and thought “well if so and so needs my support I guess I’d better let them make the first move”. What a cop out! We were family, now I am just someone who once sat at their table.
Blood this thicker than morals I’m afraid.
@Brit – I agree, it does depend on the circumstances. There are no hard and fast rules in divorce. If having a relationship with your former in-laws is important to you than there is no reason why you couldn’t reach out to them and I would urge not to wait for them to make the first move. If they respond positively, then it’s a win-win; if they respond negatively then you know where you stand and you may well have to grieve the loss of that relationship as well as your marriage. If they don’t respond, then all you know is that they haven’t responded – guessing at the reasons is generally wasted energy and as hard as it is, you may never know truly why.
What a great tag line. Blood is thicker than morals. I have to remember that one. Some families never deal with uncomfortable situations in a healthy way. They often sweep everything, including immoral behavior under the rug and the X’s are usually shunned even if it wasn’t their fault. It’s a very sad situation for the kids involved. They want to keep in touch but at the same time the family is disrespecting their mother/father. And it’s hard for mom/dad to keep taking it on the chin for Jr. and let themselves open for more emotional abuse. I say, if they are embracing the cheater/abuser than that gives you a pretty good idea where morality and integrity ranks in the fam. (somewhere at the bottom of a barrel) and thank your lucky stars you don’ t have to associate with them unless absolutely necessary. There is a whole world of folks who don’t behave this way. Really! And they are so wonderful to know.
It’s done and over, absolutely move on away from his family as well. File divorce and start a new life. Rehashing stuff with your ex inlaws is not healthy at all, and will continually keep your ex in your life. Your main concern should be giving him minimal time with the children, because it sounds like he’s engaged in a poor environment for them to be around. In other words, the ex inlaws are the least worry.
I find the title of this article really hard (and bordering offensive). Divorce is the flip side of marriage; all rights and privileges that come with marriage, go with divorce. It is impossible to divorce a person, yet hold on to the life, the house, the families, the money, that went with that marriage. Divorce doesn’t just break a couple; it breaks families.
I am a second wife. My husband’s ex was unfaithful and went on to marry the guy she was having an affair with. My in-laws (technically her ex-in laws) treat her like the prodigal daughter; inviting her to all the family events despite our requests not to. They ignore my husband’s pain and disregard my feelings entirely. She has a manipulative controlling hold over all of them and won’t go away. They love her and won’t let her go and would be happy if I just disappeared. She uses the title of this article “I divorced him, not his family” to justify her treatment of us and the in-laws parrot it back to us. I disagree entirely; when you divorce a person you don’t get a choice. The in-laws are not your family anymore and you need to move on and get a life of your own.
Hi Emma – I can appreciate how difficult it is for both you and your husband to have his ex so involved with his family but I respectfully disagree with you about her having to sever the ties. The choice to maintain the relationship is between her and the in-laws and clearly they’ve made the choice to keep it going.
Does her presence threaten you? What would it take for you accept her? You don’t have to be friends but why do you let her upset you?
It’s rude and inconsiderate, small, and selfish. Be the big enough person to move on despite all of that. There are only a few real friends anyone will ever have in life. Everybody always implies that the second wife feels threatened. No, it’s not that, it called feeling annoyed, and disrespected, and the family isn’t giving her a fair shot!!
Hi Alicia – I can’t agree that it’s rude and inconsiderate – it depends on the individual situation. I’ve talked to people who have divorced after long-term marriages who have maintain contact with their inlaws -they’ve been celebrating holidays and family occasions together for years and years. There is no reason to suddenly drop the friendship.
What is rude is telling somebody, especially grown adults, who they can be friends with, and who they choose to be family with.
It’s not about telling someone who to be friends with or talk to. It’s about appropriate boundaries and whether or not the in-laws want a close relationship with the new spouse or not. I think most people would agree , especially if there are children, that the ex should feel welcome to important events, but where do you draw the line? It’s not possible for the current spouse to form a bond with their in-laws if the ex is still playing the role of spouse minus husband/wife.
Amen! 1000% Agree!
I agree with Emma, we are talking here about EX-in laws (not in laws). If Mandy’s ex-husband is remarried, Mandy is showing her own disrespect and poor boundaries related to her ex-husband and his new wife by accepting a room in her ex-sister in law’s home (whereby forcing the ex and his new wife with no option but to stay in a hotel). It is very unfortunate that Mandy’s ex-in laws do not prioritize and support wholeheartedly her ex and his new marriage. All marriages are better off when the couple experiences acceptance and support from in-laws; Mandy’s EX-in laws should be prioritizing and supporting her ex and his current marriage. They should be modeling this behavior and Mandy should follow suit and find new in laws (i.e., move on a get a life)
Correction: My apologies Mandy, I am referring to Judy (not Mandy) in my reply above. Also would like to add though, that I do not get a sense of appropriate boundaries from the narrative of this article.
Hi Mathilde – I can appreciate and understand your perspective. I think the value in this segment of Judy’s story is recognizing that relationships with in-laws don’t automatically end with divorce. This is especially so in long term marriages. Relationships that are based on empathy rather than blood are often more sustainable. I see it less as choosing sides and more of choosing your friends.
It is extremely difficult when in-laws support the in-law spouse and not their own family member – there are many reasons this might be the case and I do recognize we don’t have Judy’s ex’s perspective or that of her family members. The transition through divorce is a difficult time for everyone and sometimes it does take time for relationships to be renegotiated and rearranged.
Right on. In my case they are all family even my ex. Look in the bible who you will śpend eternity with won’t be your 2nd wife. In the eyes of God your married forever. I’m lucky we all ways got a long. We loved our son and needed Rio show him we cared for all concerned. She is and always was a good woman. From14 to 30 +yrs old we were together how do you stop caring for the other.
Thomas – I am so sorry for your loss. Please don’t worry about the typos – your message is far more important and I appreciate you taking the time to share your story. I am so glad you have the support of your in-laws. Love the sound of your family. ~ Mandy
What does God do about the second wife if, in her case, she is marrying for the first time?….His second…her first….what a mess Heaven must be…..
Thanks for chiming in about the Bible. Selfish people only want what they want, and disregard what the bible says. First of all the minute you remarry you are entering into another form of adultry. And yes, the first spouses are married forever, and the ex wife is supposed to be married to her husband forever. Now , if y ou are basing your opinions on worldly constructs about marriage, then you can d o whatever……you want. One reason why the divorce rates are so high in this country. New wife, learn some grace and decorum. Be comfortable with your new husband and family, and learn to facilitate reconciliation among everyone. The ex most likely is seeking her new man…not yours.
i agree w u totally. In the same thing.
You sound pretty immature and jealous. Get over it and on with your own lives if you have one.
Vicious.
Amen Emma. Your husband’s ex sounds EXACTLY like my husband’s ex. Now she has the audacity to MOVE IN with my father-in-law to “help him pay bills”, go through his things to sell so he can sell the house – which she will list and make a profit on bc she’s in real estate. Such a twisted situation. She’s the ex that won’t go away and get her own life. No one cares what we think and it’s EXTREMELY disrespectful to my husband and me that OUR family chooses her over us by ignoring our feelings on the matter.
I’m sorry you don’t have the support of your family. This is never an easy situation. How’s your and your husband’s relationship with his father? Is he friendly with his ex to the point of excluding you?
Thank you Mandy. My FIL is a very sweet man but tends to turn a blind eye to what’s appropriate and what’s not and how people use him. He hasn’t excluded us but being we live out of state now when we come to visit him we’ll be forced to share the living quarters with my husband’s ex and her boyfriend. She’s overbearing and manipulative and truth be known would go back with my husband in a heart beat. While all of it highly offends and hurts me, I think what hurts the most is my husband’s response to all this…or should I say “lack of response”! He says he’s mad but he won’t tell anyone or show his anger to anyone but me over this. I just want my husband to stand up for us. I don’t think that’s asking too much. But his doing nothing has caused me to lose a lot of respect for him. This kind of thing has been going on for years and nobody fights for us but me I feel. But this was the last straw!
Why is there so much hate towards the ex spouse? There must be low self esteem on the new spouse’s part. Sorry you are SECOND best. Get over it! You need to focus on your new marriage and less focus on the ex spouse relationships. Are you afraid they are going to get back together?? People need to grow up. Stop making everything about self. Clearly, I’m not going to stop being friends/family with someone because of a divorce. That’s fake and so elementary. Am I suppose to change my friends/family every time my sibling decides to get a divorce. NOT!
Listen Natisha, you don’t have a clue how overly involved this woman is in my husband’s family…yes my HUSBAND’S family….not HER family. People divorce for a reason. If a person still wanted an ex in their life, they’d stay together. The one who needs to grow up is the ex, and from the sounds of it YOU! You don’t get to be family with someone you we’re never related to in the first place. They didn’t marry you. When people divorce they should go their separate ways. Now I’m not saying if you speak on rare occasions for some reason that you shouldn’t be cordial. But it’s a fine line between being polite and overstepping your boundaries. Of course if small kids are involved there would be more interaction between the exs but once kids are grown,there’s really no excuse, unless it’s some life or death emergency. They are GROWN! They can talk for themselves. Chances are they have a phone and most likely can drive too so please tell me what business an ex or the ex’s family has hanging out on a REGULAR basis with an ex-in law, even going as far as moving in with them and paying their rent?? And they do this, and are allowed to do this by my husband’s father who just happens to be lonely and refuses to come live with one of his own children? Do you seriously not see how disrespectful and hurtful it is to my husband who feels as if his father has chosen his ex and her boyfriend over his own son? And yes it is a slap in the face to me, given that I’ve explained to my FIL how I feel and so has my hubby, who agrees with me. I feel bad for your siblings if you don’t respect their wishes enough to honor them as well. So yes, you DO need to distance yourself from your siblings ex every time they get a divorce out of loyalty to your blood relative. Btw, if your sibling is getting divorced that often, how can you possibly be soooo close to their ex in the first place to not be willing to set that relationship aside out of respect for your sibling????
I am sorry I disagree with you totally! My bother and his wife are getting a divorce and regardless of how my brother feels she will always be my sister and my kids auntie! She has been in my life for 17 years and she is one on my best friends. Just because he stopped loving her doesnt mean that I have to cut off my relationship with her! Mature adults can handle that period!
Really? More mature adults would realize how awkward it makes things for your brother when he’s trying to move on with his life, not to mention any new love interest that now has to compete with his ex. I heard it said once “there’s no room for a new spouse when the old one is still in the picture”! That’s exactly the truth. The family dynamics get all skewed. If you want to remain friends then you should respect your brother enough to not invite her over and talk about her all the time, especially if he disapproves of it. He is your brother so I’m guessing he’s been a part of your life much longer than she has. It’s just disrespectful to not consider the family members feelings in these situations. So sorry, I disagree with you. Unless you’ve been on this side of the fence you really don’t know what you’re talking about, no offense.
Sorry if your in the position where your clearly the other woman.
Sweetie I’m NOT the other woman. That’s the point. Sorry if the only friend you can make is with your ex sister-in-law! I’m out. You clearly put yourself first.
Spite and animosity is what makes it awkward. If people can maintain mature healthy adult relationships there is no no need for awkwardness. Maybe in your case it’s about controlling how your family feels and that’s not fair. Divorce doesn’t just affect you and your spouse it affects and hurts the entire family. Is the family suppose to turn off feelings for someone they have loved and spent their lies with for several years. My sister in law has been there for me during my mothers death … the birth of my children… you can’t just shut that off. My brother is respectable to accept that and I would hope any decent woman he loves on in his life with in the future could respect that. We are not a family of hatred. He himself has said he hopes they can stay friends … spend holidays together etc etc. I have seen it and it’s not impossible…. it’s about forgiveness and being adults. It’s not possible and it’s not selfish… what is selfish is the divorced person who is so self centered that they would make their family choose!
Are you seriously telling me your brother wouldn’t have a problem with his ex moving in with your father, not in a romantic sense, but just to SPITE him and prove she can do whatever she pleases? This is not a normal ex-wife we’re dealing with. This woman has made it clear she believes she can have my husband back anytime she wants (she can’t but she’s such an entitled manipulative person she truly believes this I think). She’s also tried to seduce (unsuccessfully) my husband since they split. Not every situation is just smooth sailing so with all due respect, please keep in mind that you can’t assume most families feel as yours because I can assure you, they don’t. There is a fine line with remaining friends versus remaining BEST friends. At some point you need to decide where your loyalty lies.
My father would in a heart beat because she is a good woman. She is not a manipulative person and she would not be trying tactics as you have expressed so I am sorry if that’s what your going through. Nothing is ever one sided so I have to ask you that if your secure in your relationship why worry so much or let it bother you? Why let it get to you? If you create the negativity how does it help the situation? His family obviously cares for the Exwife … let them. You have no right as the new wife to control them and it’s not fair of you to put your husband in the middle and choose you over his family or agree with you over his family. He has obviously moved on and that’s fine. If the family loves her they love her. If my brother were to remarry and be happy I am sure I would love and respect any new wife just as if my current sister in law moves on and remarries I will care for and respect her new spouse someday. Maybe it’s just my family dynamic. We have family that has been divorced and the ex wife comes to holidays with their new boyfriends and the other with his new girlfriends and everyone gets along… Its better for the young kids involved and because again some bonds just can’t be broken. Best wishes to you. Hopefully things get better for you!
Well thank you for that. I am, however, tired of being expected to be the one doing all the bending and compromising. It’s not fair to my husband nor me when we BOTH feel this way. There are no young children. Just two grown brats who act just like there mother. And for any ex d ughter in law to move in to her ex family’s home is just plain twisted, I’m sorry. Even if there were young children, I once again disagree that holidays should be spent together like everyone is just one big happy family. That’s very misleading to young kids who always hold out hope of their parents reuniting and then they’re in for a let down when they don’t. It’s toying with their emotions to me and leads to confusion. I’m not saying don’t get along for the kids sake, at least in their presence, but there’s really more harm than good trying to continue things as if nothings changed bc in reality… EVERYTHING has changed. They’ll accept it better once they learn what the new expectations are… Not creating false hope in young minds. That’s just my opinion. I don’t believe you and I will ever agree on this so I’m done. Since I originally posted on this thread, I have taken more of a “screw them” attitude. I love my father in law but I did lose alot of respect for him. And that’s sad. I didn’t create this drama. The ex did by overly inserting herself into the lives of her ex and having zero respect…or class…for boundaries. Goodnight.
PS I’m NOT second best…but the circumstances being what they are make me feel like I’m being treated that way by FIL! That manipulative witch is nowhere close to being in the same league as me. Zero class…just too dumb to know it.
Emma,
Suppose there are kids involved. I think it is absurd . I divorced my husband of twenty years after discovering his addiction, serial infidelity, and more. Despite, the end of our marriage, we still coparent with the needs of our children” the family ( ours) we created” at the forefront. Additionally, during the course of our time together a larger family was formed… I was a very involved aunt and daughter in law. Do you suppose I should sever ties with my beautiful nieces and nephews because of the divorce? What type of a message does this send? Family changes with a divorce…..there is no disputing that. However,the type of change is up to those involved in the relationships and their desires. Personally, I am choosing to try to maintain as close of a relationship as possible with the family I spent over twenty years of my life with. I am sorry but it seems that you feel threatened by the presence of your husbands ex in your ” world” . Perhaps there is something more you need to reflect upon. If she has moved on and is remarried and you two have moved on … It may be best for all to accept that you all will be in each other’s lives and try to forge a new relationship or at least respect for each other.
Kudos to you Amy for being able to maintain your relationship with your in-law family. I love your perspective on this.
you sound like a pushover, and yes, you’re sending your children a wrong message. Statistically, they’re going to end up as cheaters themselves because of this.
Amy – I think it’s a very fine line following a divorce, especially once the children are GROWN and don’t need mana to hold their hand to go see their fathers side of the family. It’s one thing to be polite and cordial but when you divorce things should not remain “status quo”! Things have changed. You are no longer part of the family so it’s disrespectful to your former spouse if he’s uncomfortable with you maintaining a close relationship with HIS family, not to mention it’s highly disrespectful time a new spouse who’s trying to find her place in a new family. People divorce for a reason and aside from unavoidable situations like weddings of the children or graduation etc there’s really no reason and ex spouse needs to continue acting as if they are still the daughter in law or sister in law…because they’re not. Divorce means “I no longer want you to be in my life” and by not respecting that makes the ex look like they can’t let go and get on with their life. Time to move on and let your ex spouse move on too by not constantly having to see or hear about you. (I’m speaking generally here…not at you personally). Maybe your ex really would like to not have his ex in his face or life all the time. That’s the reason he divorced you in the first place. Learn boundaries and respect them. That goes both ways btw.
I’m sorry but I have been divorced for 20yrs plus. My ex wife family is more of a family than my own. Her sister is my sister is call her mother mom as her dad. I grew up in a family that never showed me values. Showed my how to be a good father. My son just passed away and my ex will still call me and we are both with other ppl. She even went as far as to buy the plot nectar to hook for me. We are family and always will be. We still love each other but are not in love. So it depends on how you treated savor during and after the marriage ended. We always were civil to each other and would change days any time we needed to. I talk to her husband as a friend as she does to my wife. And it is always bye love you guys when we leave. You don’t know if they will be there tomorrow as my son was to come home the next day from the hospital but necessary dud and we all mourned together and still are. 20 yrs of love just don’t end. But your case is different. Yes I love my ex and my in-laws more than my blood family. Live abs in live are 2 different things. I’m really close to her little sister who will be my sister forever.
Sorry for typos tears running down my cheeks from losing our son.
I think it’s far too simplistic a view to take, to say that adults can choose who they will or won’t be friends with, to accuse the second wife of feeling threatened, to waggle children around as if their existence excuses all sorts of social missteps…
More often than not, an ex-spouse’s boundary issues extend far beyond simply maintaining a relationship with former in-laws, and when those relationships are maintained at the expense of members of the family-of-origin or to the point of ostracization of the innocent current spouse, then YES – it is transgression. “Friends” do not cause disruption of familial bonds with one’s FoO; “friends” do not cause a sister to distance herself from her brother’s CURRENT wife. It is NOT the same, and most definitely denotes skewed loyalties and poor boundaries. Continue to be friends? Sure. Continue to be family? No – you’re not. Continuing to maintain bonds forged by virtue of a marriage that has collapsed, denies the former spouses healing and a new life; deference should be made to their wishes and needs, and most certainly to any subsequent partner’s feelings.
I agree with you in that this is a complex situation, like many relationship issues. People want it to be black and white with a clear answer and I’ve seen so many situations where this is simply not the case. It really does depend on the individual circumstances.
I was looking for validation here and realized two “sides” keep getting hung up by Mandy and others not saying the truth that theothermrsrogers stated a few months ago: Continue to be friends? Sure. Continue to be family? No – you’re not. Continuing to maintain bonds forged by virtue of a marriage that has collapsed, denies the former spouses healing and a new life; deference should be made to their wishes and needs, and most certainly to any subsequent partner’s feelings.
It’s simple folks – If you are the ex, get away and stay away from the FAMILY events where you are not wanted or needed and are likely even resented by the person who divorced you and his spouse. (Unless they beg you to stay in the family, rare but not impossible). Otherwise to not have the grace to understand this and let them move on represents the epitomy of selifishness. Friends? Fine. Go have coffee with your EX sister-in-law and take your EX Aunt-in-law to the movies but …stay away from FAMILY events. Painful? You should have made different choices if you can’t take it. Choices have consequences and just like the family home that is gone, the joint bank account that is gone, those wonderful Sunday mornings lounging in bed with him and the Saturday nights at the theatre with other close couple friends, say goodbye, it’s gone and yes it will be painful for awhile. It’s a package deal and they are NOT your family anymore. There is no question about this fact (unless you are personally invited by the divorced and his love to keep “acting” like family like said above).
And yes, I am the spouse (11 years) of a man whose vindictive sister and not very smart first ex-wife go to great lengths to keep their familial relationship alive just like it used to be when they were in high school and she was kicked out of her own house and moved in with his family. Everyone is afraid to say they don’t want her around at family events (except the grown kids, they are of course ok with it) and it makes every family event uncomfortable for him, me, his parents, other family members. So then his lovely mom dies last year. Guess who is in the slide show of her life and who is not? (Hint: Vindictive sister chose the slides). Mom in law didn’t even like her and went to her grave very angry with her that she almost killed her son 20 years ago by sleeping with everybody in the neighborhood, hiding thousands of dollars to leave him, fraudulent manipulation to get the house and the assets, but there she is in front of god, family and friends over 20 years ago smiling in most of the slides. It looked to those who attended and had not been living nearby the last many years as if SHE was still with my husband and close with his mother and her relatives. Yes it is unbelievable and just one of many we have had to endure. Yet they are happy to make everybody miserable as long as they are getting their way. Yes, they are rough around the edges and uneducated but still, there is etiquette, manners, and just plain old common sense, they are not completely void of these attributes. It is mind numbing to read comments from those who are blind to these issues as if ex’s have “rights” to their ex-spouses family. Non-contentious divorces are very rare and this is not utopia.
Wow! Extremely well put! Spot on!
I simply couldn’t agree with you more! My ex husband was abusive to me in every way possible and even though his own family encouraged me to divorce him, when I eventually did (after 17 years) his family stood with him and were very nasty to me and my children. Of my own family who saw what I went through and had to support me through the abuse and the fall out from that abuse, only one sister does not still welcome him with open arms! He makes a point of visiting them, taking them out etc even though we don’t speak and he doesn’t pay much attention to our children. I find his attitude and that of my family ( who I love dearly) very upsetting. The attitude that we are divorced but he hasn’t divorced them is an arrogant, selfish one. However, I also blame my own family; they know what I have been through and in my opinion, should have stood with me as his family firmly stood with him despite knowing of his numerous adulterous relationships and his abusive behaviour!
Divorce by its very nature separates. You should step aside and build your own family relationship -Your ex does not need to be tripping over you when they visit their own flesh and blood!
NO…. DIVORCE, move on and let you ex and his wife and family live the way they have picked. Without you.
Hi Mandy, I’m not divorced but my boyfriend/common law partner is. He’s been divorced for about 4 years and there are no kids involved. They still talk occasionally on email and it seems amicable enough. I don’t mind that communication as I respect the 25 yrs they spent together. That said his ex keeps in touch with his parents and is planning on visiting them for a few days this summer after not seeing them for a couple of years. My ex isn’t sure how he feels about it yet but I would be okay with it if he wanted to see her when she is in town. I think he feels awkward and doesn’t want me to be upset. My issue is I’m not sure how I feel or should be feeling about it. I don’t think I want to meet her. Any advice or insight would be appreciated.
Hi Dawna, First, there isn’t a “how you should feel” about this only how you do and it sounds like you’re not sure about that. So I would ask yourself why you don’t want to meet her? Is there something you’re afraid of? There’s nothing to say that you have to meet her but if you did you could structure it so it would be non-threatening. You could for example agree to go to coffee – that way it’s easy for you to leave when your coffee is over and you’re not stuck like you would be if you went for dinner. Make sure you have your own transportation too. That way if for some reason it doesn’t go very well you can easily leave.
Hope this helps.
No a ex that shows up at family events, is just plain rude, and borders on stalking imo. If family members ignore requests to stop inviting the intrusive ex, then you don’t attend those gatherings., and possibly if it’s a really bad situation stop the relationship with that family member. We had a ex that tried to start trouble, and we told her in no uncertain terms, if she showed up at my mil’s funeral..she would be asked to leave. The ex is never a part of the family, and often their main goal is to start trouble. That is usually the underlying motivation.
Hi Marselle,
I agree that it is important to draw the appropriate boundaries and that family members should not be drawn into taking sides as it sounds like the ex in your situation was attempting.
I still maintain that it isn’t a black and white situation – in long term relationships especially, an ex may have established and meaningful friendships with in-law family members and divorce doesn’t automatically mean that those relationships should end.
I am divorcing my husband of 18 years. I have had a long relationship with my in-laws. Now, seemingly overnight, they refuse to speak with me or answer emails, basically no more communication at all – apparently forever. I think this is crazy, but I cannot make them communicate with me.
Hi Mary – I’m sorry to hear your in-laws are reacting this way. I know this can feel very hurtful. You’re right, you cannot make them communicate with them. My advice would be to take the high road, keep reaching out to them – birthday cards, Christmas/Holiday cards, invitations to family events – may be at some point they will reconsider.
Wishing you strength and courage,
Mandy
I found your post while searching for answers to similar question. I am recently separated but the divorce is pending– I am just waiting for my spouse to file the “Simple Dissolution of Marriage” paperwork (in Florida) and for us to get a court date, since she is the one wanting the divorce. We have been married for 6 years but have been together for about 13 years now, and I have gotten to know her family quite well over the years. I loved them very much and have hoped that I can still somehow be a part of their lives, but it seems as if they don’t want to have anything to do with me right now, even though we were always on great terms in the past. My wife is essentially leaving me for a co-worker, who her family is bound to meet at some point. Yet I feel like they are angry with me for some reason, since I haven’t heard anything from them for several weeks. I did, however, get a brief note from her brother, and in turn, I thanked him for reaching out. But other that that, there’s been no contact.
Should I wait for the divorce to be finalized before I make an attempt to contact my in-laws? Or should I try to reach out now? I have to admit that my wife’s delay in filing the paperwork is beginning to worry me, so maybe I should wait to attempt to contact the in-laws until after the legalities are over. I get the feeling they may be attempting to influence some of her decisions on how “simple” she wants to make the divorce, and instead possibly make it more difficult for me. If this turns out to be the case, I think I would possibly have second thoughts about whether I would want our relationship to continue.
Hi Mike,
Lots of people struggle with this issue. If you want to maintain your relationship, then I would recommend that you contact your in-laws, state that even though the marriage has ended, you value their friendship, that you’re not asking them to take sides and you hope the friendship can continue. Then continue to contact them as you would have previously.
Understand that they may not respond because they feel uncomfortable for whatever reason about continuing their relationship. They may simply not know how to approach you and that’s why you should initiate the contact. Quite possibly their daughter has asked them not to continue being friends with you.
Re: your comment about the delay in filing for divorce – there could be many reasons for this so I wouldn’t agonizing guessing what may be happening. Best thing to do is to ask your STBX. If there’s some urgency on your part then you could also take the lead. Have you consulted with an attorney?
Staying close to ex-inlaws is just stupid and living in the past. When you divorce that means you are no longer family. You should let your ex move on with their life, and you should move on too. Too bad, so you care about people, that’s the bad side of divorce. That is having no consideration at all for the new spouse who is trying to fit in to a family that is hanging on to the relationship with the ex. It makes if very difficult for the current spouse when the ex spouse remains close with the family.
Hi Bob – yes, it can be difficult and it’s not easy but I see no reason to expect someone who has established close friendships with their in-laws to automatically drop the relationship because of the divorce. It’s not about taking sides and judging, it’s simply about friendship and yes, time can be a great help. Are you dealing with this issue now?
unless, the ex is a cheater then severing ties with his disordered family is a must.
I find myself struggling with having no contact with my ex in-laws. I have been divorced for about 3 years now, and am happily remarried for almost a year (to my best friend who I should have married to begin with). I spent over 15 years combined with my in-laws, celebrating holidays and family get togethers, but once I left I lost all contact. Since I left, I tried to make things “easier” for my ex since I knew he was a creature of habit by steering clear of anything or anyone that has a common bond with us both. Now I regret my decision to cut all ties, but think I have passed the time allowable to have an on-going relationship with his family. Just because you divorce the person, that does NOT mean that all mutual relationships must suffer. I miss them, but am pretty sure that this is just the way it will be from now on. My advice? Have the conversation with those that you wish to still aqaint yourself with, and try not to hold it against them if they choose blood over you.
Thank you for sharing this Bobbi. I wholeheartedly agree with your advice. Have you tried contacting your in-laws? It would be worth at least trying to see if they were interested in reconnecting.
I have thought about it but I am not sure (even though I am a much stronger individual now than they remember) that I could endure the second dismissal from them. I have considered a social media message, but worry that it is a bit too impersonal for folks that I considered my family. I may do just that though 🙂 We never realize how strong we truly are until we pick ourselves back up from all the pain and hurt resulting from divorce. Thank you for bringing to light the “real issues” that come from divorce, this blog has helped me considerably. Keep up the good work!
If they reject your message of friendship please don’t read much into that … it really is more about them and their issues.
Thank you for your kind words – may I use them as a testimonial?
Certainly 🙂 Anything to help others through their divorce journey….
Bobbi, it sounds like your ex didn’t want you contacting his family going by your post. That’s his family, you did the right thing; and now have new inlaws. Everyone needs to respect other’s boundaries.
I agree with you Mandy. When my wife of 9 years ended our marriage I was devastated equally when her entire family shut me out of their lives completely. All during the marriage, I actually had a better relationship with my in laws than I did with my family, and I had a real difficult time accepting how I suddenly did not seem that important to them any longer. Because of our children, we have had a few opportunities to interact but they chose to ignore me. Perhaps there is awkwardness, and maybe they are worried they will hurt their daughter by interacting with me.
It has been two years since we separated and I am starting to finally accept the loss. I hope others read your article and realize that close relationships developed with a former partners family don’t necessarily need to end as well.
That must have been very painful and hurtful for you. Maybe you’ll have the chance to reconnect in the future. I wonder if you could reach out to one of them and just say that you’d like your relationship to continue?
Hi Mandy:
I echo Emma’s response that this article. You should not make a statement like “You divorce your spouse not your inlaws.” when there many be cases where it should apply. What about an ex that cheated on you, shouted for you to die in front of your children, insulted your relatives, tried to give you almost no visitation in the divorce. Did everything for financial gain, lied constantly about you, had witnesses lie about, forged documents, shoplifted. I could go on and on. The ex wanted to destroy me and keep me away from my children but wanted to keep my family. Mandy, how would you feel if a ex spouse did this to you and wanted to remain friends with your family? I am sure you would embrace it. You seem so forgiving.
Hi Bob – I completely understand how hurtful your ex’s actions have been to you.
There are few definitive rules in divorce – every divorce is different and what happens is very dependent on the individual circumstances.
I still say that when you get divorced you are divorcing your spouse not your extended family. How those relationships play out should depend on the depth of the relationships before the divorce and it’s really best if you don’t ask these people to take sides. There is no hard and fast rule that says you can no longer be friends with your in-laws or that your ex can’t be friends with your family.
It may be time for you to be open and honest about what’s been going on, not in a libelous way but factual. I would guess that your family already has a pretty good handle on your ex’s character.
You can no more control how your family members react than you can control your ex. They will choose which friendships they want to maintain and based on their choices, you’ll need to draw your boundaries to protect yourself.
I don’t think I’m being forgiving but rather making conscious, intentional decisions.
Wishing you strength and courage,
OMG would you people listen to yourselves. Of course they’re not divorcing the family because they NEVER WERE MARRIED TO THE FAMILY! They married they’re spouse and that ended which means that Union is dissolved and everyone needs to move on! That’s not to say under most circumstances it’s not okay to be cordial if you run into your ex in-laws etc but to seek out and purposefully try and stay in a close relationship with them is so wrong in so many ways. It’s keeps that person from moving on and it causes conflict within the family. It causes problems with the new marriage and is HIGHLY disrespectful especially after making your opinions known and your own family ignoring your feelings and continuing to maintain a close relationship with the ex. It’s not natural and it does nothing but cause problems. Be cordial but not like nothing has changed because EVERYTHING has changed! The ex is NOT part of the family anymore and it’s so dysfunctional and confusing for everyone involved to act like nothing has changed.
I hear how difficult this is for you Lisa and I don’t have an easy answer. I can tell you that divorce often doesn’t end relationships with the in-laws and this is particularly true where a friendship bond has developed. You try family therapy to see if there is a resolution to this that would satisfy everyone.
stop pussy footing around the topic. Have some balls and acknowledge that divorce is just that- we are no longer a family.
I totally agree with your response, my mother in law is going thru a tough time, she has a son who was living in california with his wife, then all of a sudden one day they called her and asked her if they could move in to her upstairs apartment right above her home, she had no choice but to say ok because, she were on the road in route to chicago with all of their belongs. He asked to stay upstairs only until he found an apartment to move into well, after being there for only one month he moved out and left her (sister-in-law) there to stay. She doesn’t work doesnt pay rent and told my mother in law that she couldn’t kick her out because her son left her there. I believe that if they already filed for divorce she should move out, I’ve heard that legally my mother in law can kick her out. Shes been there 8 months now and isn’t even trying to move out. I know for a fact she never got along with my mother in law. So, again she needs to move on but, we cant evict her.
ok, so i had some typos (my mother in law cannot kick her out )because, she supposedly said it was ok for them to stay there “temporarily”
Oh I’m so sorry to hear that. I just don’t know what is wrong with people. It’s like nobody has any class or sel-respect and certainly no consideration for others feelings anymore. It’s such a shame. I hope your mother-in-law stands her ground. Why in the world would an ex even feel good about living with an ex-in-law?? People are crazy!!!!
I learned all about this the hard way when my former brother and two sisters sided with my ex-wife after the divorce and subsequently replaced me with her after the death of our mother stating “her personality, social skills, and attitude are a much better fit than yours.”
I’m OK with it now, but it took me a long time to accept it. When my one sister got divorced in 1981, everybody and I mean EVERYBODY in the family rallied behind her. When I got divorced in 2004, it was a whole different story: The only person who had my back with my own mother. My brother and sisters weren’t really on my side continually stating “just cause she kicked you in the teeth didn’t mean she did it to us.”
It took me over 10 years to finally realize that is much as it really hurt me to be betrayed by my old supposed flesh and blood, it was and is not my ex-wife’s fault that my former siblings think the world of her and decided to replace me with her.
When you get down to it, families are just like rock bands and it all boils down to chemistry and getting along. Just because battle lines were drawn during the divorce is of the 1980s, does not mean that the same applies today.
Joe – I loved your analogy – families are just like rock bands 🙂 The ideal would be for your family to stay friends with your ex AND you. I’m sorry that didn’t happen. Kudos to you for coming to terms with it.
Thank you. I can’t say that it didn’t hurt when it occurred, or that I was happy when it all unraveled. But, in the end, things ended up the way they were meant to be.
I have a wonderful relationship with my soon to be 17 years old son who is my only family and I’m totally fine with that. My ex-wife is the perfect fit with my former siblings and I’m perfectly fine with that.
One of the best things about my departure is that I no longer have to deal with/recreate the fighting scenes from “Home For The Holidays”. Anyone who has seen that movie knows exactly what I’m talking about. ????
What about my daughter-in-law? She and my son are going through divorce proceedings now, and there is a 3 month old child involved. Is it proper to give her a small gift at Christmas?
I say go right ahead – sending your daughter-in-law a small gift tells her that you value your relationship and want it to continue. And keeping it small will help to avoid making her feel guilty or indebted or even suspicious about an ulterior motive. You’re helping to pave the way to make it easy for everyone to still attend important family occasions together and that will be particularly important for granddaughter.
Thanks Mandy. That sounds like excellent advice. I am still friends with her mom on Facebook, but she has chosen to shut my off as well as all others from my family. My son did mention to me that we would be together at important family functions…such as my granddaughter’s first birthday celebration. We are going down on Sunday to celebrate my husband’s. She will be bringing the baby over, but she still refuses to talk to anyone from my side. I think maybe sending her a small gift at Christmas might ease some of that.
I was once told that if you have children, trying to make sure (as the ex wife) that they have free access to their paternal grandparents is something to keep in mind.
For me personally the idea of keeping in touch with my outlaws (ex-inlaws) sounds worse than acid baths after grazing your knees, but for my girls I would be civil.
Divorce brings all sorts of hurts with it. And I am going to make the assumption that everyone on this blog has an angle due to an experience.
Positive relationships are just that. Positive. For a moment, forget the labels you stick to those around you. Keep it simple – are they your friends or acquaintance. if its the former, see how it rides the wave of divorce. If its the latter, then let it go by the way side.
Henri – I have to confess that your description of how you feel about your “outlaws” made me wince and smile – very graphic and yeah, I get it. Kudos to you though for seeing it from your child’s perspective. Grandparents are important to children.
What does one do in a domestic violence situation? Narcissistic ex (he has previously been referred to a psychiatrist, refuses to go), narcissistic MIL (on anti depressants), FIL (heavy drinker) who buries his head in the sand when it comes to his son and wife, but absolutely lovely SIL. The in laws live on the other side of the State, and my ex does not have a close relationship with his family (over the years we have traveled to see them maybe 10 times (and my ex says he only stays with them so he doesnt have to pay for a hotel), the MIL has only ever bothered once to come and see her grandchildren (because she works and apparently cant take time off work), and he lies to them continuously – every year he has been in Court (civil matters), facing bankruptcy, yet they know nothing of what happens away from them. Ive borne the burden of his actions solely). They busy themselves around each other and talk of nothing with real substance when we are all together or they shout at each other (my ex caused his parents to lose all their money about 15 years ago, they havent let it go, MIL just cries, FIL shouts, ex tells them to “get over it” – i knew nothing of this when i was dating him, and he rarely took me around to socialise with them.
I have decided to walk away from the relationship for the sake of my happiness and that of our children. My ex is at a bad point in his life (depressed, former alcoholic, aggressive (usually says things going bad are my fault), usually ignores the kids (eg. wont kiss them hello/goodbye when he comes home after a week away at week. I always have to prompt him to acknowledge them). Is there any onus on me to reach out and maintain contact with anyone? Seeing them would only bring up reminders of the difficulties in our relationship. The MIL is aware her son has previously been violent to me, yet only responded with, “its not good to end relationships, because people will talk” and “h he gets aggressive when he drinks”…
I see them for the unhealthy people they are (i was very naive and inexperienced when i entered the relationship, it being only my second “serious” relationship, the first, “puppy love”, and by the time i figured my ex out, it was too late, and i felt trapped, for years :(( ). Do i let them all go, or do i maintain a relationship with my SIL (who lives 6 hours away)? She doesnt really text or call (at all). What do i do at Christmas? Do i send her children gifts, or just turn around and walk away totally (i am the one who usually arranges gifts for the nephews, as my ex says he wont do anything for them)?
Dear Hurt,
From what you’ve shared you are making the best decision for your own health and safety. You are under no obligation to maintain relationships with your in-laws. Who you stay connected with is much more about emotional connection and support than a line on a family tree.
Again, from what you stay, I would try keeping a relationship with SIL – try it for a few months and then assess whether it is mutually supportive or a one-way street.
As for your nieces/nephews, you don’t say how old they are but I would encourage you to stay in touch with them – you’re showing them that there is a different way to do relationships and perhaps that they have a choice. They have so little say in this situation and to have another adult who takes an active interest in their lives (can you friend them on Facebook??) might be what makes a difference to them.
Wishing you strength and courage,
Mandy
I know this article is old but is a very current situation in my life. I could not disagree more with the title of this article. As a second wife of a man with a verbally abusive shrew of an ex-wife whose daughters are very much like her I have to deal with his family practically shunning he and I and completely coddling her. Why? Because when he finally ended the marriage because he could no longer take her verbal and sometimes physical abuse she told his family and two daughters lies about him and they believed her because she is so manipulative and a great liar. Eight years after they split I came along and she was still very much an every day intrusion in our lives, calling to tell him the most trivial things that his daughters could have told him, yelling, screaming, name calling. He was so dysfunctional that he tolerated the abuse even when he didn’t have to. When his ex-s car would break she and his daughters would call repeatedly and browbeat him into agreeing to fix it long after they were divorced. When I had had enough and said I feel like the other woman and put a stop to all that his daughters treated me like a pariah. I have never even met my husband’s sister and brother-in-law as they have taken the ex-s side and have her over for holidays to this day. My husband’s mother after much pleading from me has started to see how hurtful it is to hang onto his ex and leave him out of holiday get togethers.. It’s horrible. I have finally come to the point where I am done with his family entirely. If you get a divorce, be respectful and create proper boundaries with your ex-s family. It’s the only right thing to do.
I hear how difficult this has been for you Kelly P. I agree with you that creating the proper boundaries is key but that will differ from family to family. It’s not black and white and what works for one family member may not work for another.
Your situation sounds like mine. My ex,his girlfriend,her child & my 2 kids attend holiday dinners,birthday parties
,etc for the past 4 years at my brother’s house along with my other family members in attendance. Meanwhile, my new husband,myself & our young son haven’t been invited since mine & my 1st husband’s divorce due to him painting me black to my bro. I have asked my ex to stop going to my family’s events,he won’t. My brother & his wife said they’re gonna invite whoever they choose. He invited me this year,but doesn’t care to discuss the past or my feelings. How can i be ok when he continues to choose my ex over me,despite the fact that its caused a big riff & other family members agree with me but can’t stand up to him!? Any advice?
s12 – it sounds like you’re wanting your brother to end his relationship with your ex and your brother is saying he won’t do that. You can’t control what he does (or anyone) so if you want to have a relationship with your brother then you’ll need to accept that he may still be friends with your ex. It doesn’t mean you have attend the same events, it doesn’t mean you have to be friends with your ex. It just means you’d need to see your relationship with your brother separate from his relationship with your ex.
Yes, I agree with Emma. I am living in the same situation today and it’s rough going.
I know this article is old, but I have a question, or scenerio……..my husbands ex of 17 yrs has always been in the shadows. Hubby’s sister was close to her to the point of when she lived with us the first time she made arrangements for his ex to show up here, also his sister flaunted her around a benefit telling everyone and me that she will always be family. I was hurt by those words. . His ex has remarried twice. Her last husband was highly abusive to her. She is a drinker, she bought a home down the street from us, and bought a car same as us. As if she were jealous.
Recently she committed suicide. His sister dosent understand why he didnt break down like she did, (she lives with us again cause I’m too nice and don’t want her homeless). My husbands family is acting like she was the queen and did no wrong. Another sister post on Facebook how they lost a wonderful family member . I took that as a slap in the face. And let them know how I felt . Well I’m the bad guy.
I do know when , if my ex dies I will feel nothing but freedom. I have no contact with my exes family. When his family members died I just let it pass. Privately told our kids I was sorry as to not hurt my present husband. I have no contact with my ex as our kids are adult and know we dispute each other.
Am I wrong in my hurt. Or am I cold callous and uncaring as I have been told.
Thank you for listening and sorry for the typos.
Patti – it’s like I said, these situations are very complicated and specific to the individual circumstances. My best advice to you is to try not to compare your relationship to your ex and his family to the relationship your husband’s ex had with his family. It’s obviously hard for you to understand, given your own situation and it is often best to simply work to accepting that it is what it is. Having an ex still connected to the family doesn’t mean there isn’t room for the new partner. Given the opportunity, I believe our hearts have an infinite capacity to love.
When someone dies, people do often put aside differences and poor choices and I think this can happen even more when it’s suicide. Possibly your husband’s family is understanding that his ex had many challenges to deal with and it’s too late now to help.
I spent 7 years trying my hardest to get along with my sister in law (it was not easy, we’ve been through a lot drama with each other), I’m unsure of the future but her marriage with my brother in law is on the rocks and she’s threatening to leave him at the end of the year if he doesn’t grow up. If they divorce, I feel like I wasted my time to try with her. As individual people, we are not compatible and she would not normally be my type of friend. We only have had to forge a relationship because our husbands are close brothers. And I feel I must be loyal to the family i married into for the sake of my brother in law. I’m not sure I’d keep in contact with her.
I’m sorry but I believe that a divorce divorces the family, speaking of my situation! My husband has been divorced from his first wife for over 12 years and only married for 4 before it ended in divorce because of her infidelity. They have one child together and he has three others from past relationships including our son. His ex wife remarried and her husband passed away from an overdose. His ex wife has made my life and my stepdaughters life a living hell. Her efforts to drag me into court time and time again for false accusations so I couldn’t have any contact with my husbands daughter failed. His ex wife wasn’t very close with his family after all these years of divorce and before my FIL passed away she tried multiple times to get restraining orders against me so I couldn’t see her daughter. She immediately attended my FIL funneral and also brought along my husbands ex girlfriend who had no contact with my husbands family for decades. Not only did I find this disrespectful and inappropriate but also made me very angry. His ex wife and ex girlfriend sat directly behind me and my husband on the family side, she leaned forward and told me at the funeral that she didn’t want my husband. I was livid, but despite her drama I was a lady and kept my composure for my husband.
She sounds like a nasty piece of work. I see this more of an issue of boundaries and it sounds like your husband’s ex does not have good boundaries. What this means is that you have to be super-conscious of your boundaries so you protect yourself from her. Well done for taking the high road. Michelle Obama would be proud of you.
My new wife and I have been married for about 4 years. Prior to our getting married, we moved to Arizona, where my friends and family are and where I met and married my first wife. My ex-in-laws are still in Arizona. My new wife new that, but I had not made a point of specifically saying where in Arizona. Didn’t seem important. I always had a very good relationship with them and it had continued after the divorce.
Since moving to Arizona, my new wife has obsessed about how she believes she has moved back into my old life and that she never would have moved here if she had known my ex-in-laws were going to be a part of our lives….which they aren’t. Initially it was just a text a Christmas or seeing them when the kids were visiting and I would drop them off for a visit. I would say hi, we would talk a few minutes and I would leave. My wife never really had any contact with them. However, she kept obsessing about how they were impacting our lives and how she would never have moved here if she had known and how she is always having to hear from the kids what was going on with that side of the family.
So, because of the stress it was causing my wife, I have distanced myself from them. This has placed stress on the kids and my wife has trust issues about whether I am still talking to them or whether they are purposely setting up events that allow them to cross paths with us. Obsessive. Anyway, it has really caused huge issues for her ( and of course me by proxy) because she finds it hard to accept that it’s possible to stay friends with the ex-in-laws. I have had to cut them out of life for the sake of my new life. Unfortunate, but the right thing to do if I am going to make this marriage work. She has to come first.
Just a different spin on the in-law connection.
Thank you for sharing this perspective. I’m sorry that your wife has made it difficult for you to maintain your relationships. Personally, I don’t think this is a good sign. To me, it speaks to insecurity on your wife’s part. Have you considered counselling?
I made it clear to my cheating ex that both I and my family are divorcing her. I limit communication to email and only for discussing matters concerning our adult children. I made it clear that I will not associate with her brother or her mother. Her father is deceased. I attribute much of the discord in our marriage to her parents. They were divorced and the issues they had seeped into my wife’s demeanor. For example, during our engagement my father in-law was released from jail (white collar crime). My ex’s demeanor changed. She became more like her mom – Avoidant Personality Disorder. I should have heeded the signs and not marry her. Twenty nine long years of marriage and she grew colder each year. When he died, she had an affair. That affair was a wake up call to me to salvage what I have left of my life and find the happiness I’ve been denied all those years out of my stubborn Catholic belief against divorce. I was the breadwinner. I worked hard to provide for her. I gave her a home, children and security. I gave her affection that she rebuffed. I never cheated on her. She told me she didn’t feel a “connection” with me and that she couldn’t see spending the rest of her life with me. I gladly granted her wish. I said goodbye and good riddance to her and her family. I want nothing to do with them. I don’t care if I never see them ever again. I put in my will that none of them are allowed to attend my funeral. Recently, I had to talk to her to finish the transfer of the house to her. She invited me to have Easter dinner with our adult kids. I told her that I’ll see the kids after the dinner, but I don’t want to see her. I told her that she doesn’t get to divorce the parts of marriage of fidelity, respect and trust and keep only the parts of me that benefit her. My last words to her were “The choice was me exclusively or none of me. You made your choice. I’m not your husband and I’m certainly not your friend. You can’t have your cake and eat it.”