Lorraine advises anyone going through divorce not to compare themselves to other people …
***
My best friend was going through the same thing I was at the same time. Her husband left her eight weeks before my husband vanished. He left for a younger woman and was also in the military. My divorce ended up going through faster because my ex just pushed it through. Now, in the three years we’ve both been divorced, she’s had a series of boyfriends and is now with “the one.” He’s this great guy, they’ve traveled all over Europe, they’re talking about moving in together and her career is really successful. She’s been promoted several times, she makes a six-figure salary and it’s like everything came together for her.
Many times I compare us and I’m like ‘Yeah – I can’t even afford regular peanut butter at the grocery store and in three years I haven’t even met anyone I want to have a beer with let alone a baby!’
I’ve never been asked out in real life – ever, I’ve never flirted with a coworker, never been approached in a bar, no one’s ever bought me a drink. Finally, after a year of collecting myself, I decided I would try online dating and so signed up for eHarmony. I had a slew of first dates but I don’t know why they were thinking these people were good matches – they were nice people but not good matches. So I switched to Match.com and had one date with a guy. On his profile he was a biologist, very articulate, well-spoken and well-written so I was optimistic. On the date however, he was clipping his finger nails, he brought this whole lunch and ate it himself and didn’t offer me any, and then he whipped it out and urinated two inches from me! I thought ‘I’m done dating.’
Then I tried Fitness Singles – another online site and I went out with some guys who turned out to be married or who had girlfriends. There was one date a coworker of mine set up. I liked him a lot but he was just out to play the game. He’s 40 years old but just a big player. We’re still friends but he’s very open about ‘I don’t want a relationship, I’m out to sleep around.’
So it’s not been very exciting and I don’t enjoy dating especially online: being forced to go out and meet these people and have ridiculous conversations about how many siblings you have. It’s just artificial. I’d rather organically meet somebody and have it evolve into something. But then, if you’re not trying to date, you get bored with months of not going out. I sometimes get disappointed with myself, frustrated. Why is this not working out for me? I try reminding myself that my friend lives in LA and she has more social opportunities there. And I remind myself not to compare myself with other people – everyone’s situation is very different.
***
Lorraine’s message of not comparing yourself to other people applies to several situations – I came to realize that I couldn’t compare my marriage to anyone else’s because what a marriage looks like from the outside may be very different from the reality. Rebecca Savidge Gray, a certified dating and relationship coach believes that you can’t truly be successful in a relationship without being single for a time and that “time” would vary from person to person. How did you feel or how do you feel about the first few years after your divorce? What did you do to cope with the those feelings of two steps forward and three steps back? Any words of wisdom to share?