Yesterday, I introduced Emma whose divorce was triggered by just one word. She’s been divorced for about three years now and I asked her to reflect on what she’d learned about herself during that time. Here’s what she shared.
I’ve learned that it’s OK to fail at something. I had a really hard time getting my head around that when I first realized I wanted to get divorced because I’ve always been a really achievement-oriented person. I’ve learned that I can totally disappoint myself and it doesn’t change who I am or how worthy I am.
While getting divorced was very disappointing initially, I’m no longer disappointed about it. I’m no longer beating myself about marrying the wrong man. I’ve come to realize that that’s just life and sometimes the choices we make don’t turn out the way we hoped they would.
One thing that helped me was just comparing how I thought people were going to respond to me with how they actually did. I was really worried about telling people I was getting divorced. I was afraid of them judging me. But, whenever I told anyone, they just came back at me with love and acceptance.
I was especially worried about telling people from a different generation, for whom divorce wasn’t as acceptable. My grandmother, for example was married for 50 years when my grandfather passed away. I thought they would think I hadn’t tried hard enough and I didn’t know what it took to be married. I felt I had to justify my divorce. But I was being defensive for no reason because nobody was judging me.
I have a little more self-love after going through this than I had before.
The Divorce Coach Says
What an important lesson! How often have you wanted to do something but were afraid of what other people would think? The truth is we don’t really know what anyone is thinking unless we ask them. Although Emma says she learned it was OK to fail, I think the point that Emma is making is that it’s simply a choice that didn’t work out the way we hoped.
I had the same experience as Emma – people who knew me well, didn’t seem surprised. People who didn’t know me so well, were surprised but they were all supportive and accepting. For the most part, I never got into any of the details of why we were separating – most people didn’t ask – and focused mainly on where we’d each be living.
Is there or was there someone you dreaded telling? How did you tell them? What was their reaction?