I’m starting a new series today featuring Judy, a remarkable lady who had no desire to end her twenty-eight year marriage but seven years ago her husband started to talk about wanting to move out, wanting a divorce, and one day Judy came home one day to an empty house. Here’s Judy:
He had been talking about looking for a job elsewhere for a while. He had come to hate our community and I kept saying,
“We don’t have kids at home anymore, where do you want to go?”
And it was no. He didn’t want me to go with him. So he got this job and just upped and moved. He didn’t tell me he was going. Just one day, I came home and he was gone.
The house was empty.
There was no note, no nothing. I wasn’t surprised. He had talked enough that I knew what was going on and it didn’t really surprised me.
That was less than a week before Thanksgiving and then I was kind of at a loss. My eldest daughter wasn’t coming home for the holiday but my youngest was and she’s very good at jumping in and saying, “Let’s do …”
I had been talking about painting the interior of the house and I was going to do it over the summer but then all the upset with my husband had started and there was no way I could do it. So when my daughter arrived she said,
“Mom, let’s paint!”
And we did. We pulled all the furniture around and we started painting. The living room is connected to the dining room which is connected to the hall and she pulled it all out and said,
“Let’s go!”
It was good therapy. I was in that “whatever” zone so when she suggested moving the piano and the bookcase, I just said,
“Fine, whatever.”
Then come Christmas, both my daughters were home. They just sat and let me cry. We’ve always stayed here for Christmas and my two girls held me up. But I knew all along it wasn’t about me.
The Divorce Coach Says
Even though Judy knew her marriage was in trouble, and wasn’t totally surprised that her husband left, I can imagine how she felt coming home that day and realizing he’d gone. I would have found it hard to focus on anything, difficult to settle down always hoping that maybe he was just late and not really gone.
Coming home to an empty house reminds me of Lorraine – she loved being married but came home to an eight-word note and an empty house. Although her husband had been acting weird for three months, she had no idea he was having an affair and wanted to leave. And for the opposite perspective, it reminds me of Emma who’d been married for just a year so very different circumstances from Judy but Emma’s departure was triggered by just one word.
Judy believes her husband’s desire to divorce was related to health issues – depression, bi-polar even male menopause and she’ll be talking about that in the next post.
andrea says
December 10, 2010 at 1:10 pmhi, thanks for sharing this. i haven’t heard much about male menopause, but i hope that gets more attention in the media. i think that’s what my own husband has. we have been separated for 7 or 8 months now. hardest time of my life. we have a two year old boy.
i just found your blog and will keep coming back. thanks for sharing.
andrea from raising peanut
Mandy says
December 10, 2010 at 3:16 pmHi Andrea – I’ll be posting more about Judy’s concerns about her husband’s health and I’d love to see your comments and see if it’s similar to your experience. Divorce is never easy but I know having a toddler and an ex who’s behaving oddly makes it even harder. You will get through this … just take one step at a time.
andrea says
December 12, 2010 at 9:19 pmThanks Mandy. I’ll stay in touch.
I’ll say it does NOT feel like it’s getting ANY better (I’m not that is). It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to face. I lost my mother about 17 years ago. This is much more difficult. One’s whole life changes… everything changes.
I don’t want the separation. I am holding onto hope, but only a miracle will make this work. A pure miracle.
I hope you’re right that I will get thru this. Everyone says I will. I can tell you from where I stand, it feels like I wont. My feelings have not changed in the last 7 months. I worry I will feel like this forever.
Thanks, and I’ll keep checking back.
Andrea
Mandy says
December 13, 2010 at 2:05 pmAndrea, I also lost my mother. It was six months after I was married so she never met my kids. And as hard as that was, like you, I found divorce much, much harder. I don’t know your circumstances but for some couples, a period of separation really helps with getting their marriage back on track. I think counseling would be key. Any chance your ex would agree to that?
Kay Lynn @ Bucksome Boomer says
December 11, 2010 at 6:50 pmI’m looking forward to reading more about Judy’s story. It sounds like her daughters are supportive which has to be comforting.
Ina Franks says
December 25, 2010 at 2:46 pmAndrea, I also lost my mother. It was six months after I was married so she never met my kids. And as hard as that was, like you, I found divorce much, much harder. I don’t know your circumstances but for some couples, a period of separation really helps with getting their marriage back on track. I think counseling would be key. Any chance your ex would agree to that?
Mandy says
December 25, 2010 at 8:36 pmIna – I agree with you that sometimes a period of separation can be helpful with resolving marital issues. I think it can be hard because it’s an in between state but I do think that the physical separation can real help both parties in thinking through what they want and what they can do to make it work.