While Megan feels her children have adapted well to her divorce, she knows she has to be alert to emotions hiding below the surface. She knows that because she is a child of divorce. Here’s Megan:
I was three when my parents divorced. My mom was married less than a year later and has been married for twenty-five years now. And I have no memories, no resentment, so I do wonder how my divorce will really impact my children’s lives.
My dad dated a woman and they’ve been together now for twenty years. They have a son together, who I absolutely hated. To this day, I can’t stand… she had a daughter from a previous marriage and we were never treated equally. Her kids were always better, her daughter and then the son that they had. So I went to live with my mom when I was in fifth grade, and my sister stayed with my dad because she didn’t want to leave her friends or her dance classes, but we lived fifteen, twenty minutes away, so we always saw him.
We’ve always had a positive relationship with our dad and he’s always been around, he’s always come to our stuff. He lives up North and we live in Florida now, so he flies down every year and the kids and I go stay with him in Miami Beach. He’s been a positive influence in my life, so I have no hard feelings toward divorce.
I do remember them hating each other and they don’t like each other, and fighting, but I didn’t feel affected by it either. I was just hearing the other day about “the broken family” and I hate when people say that because I didn’t feel like that. I just thought, “two Christmases, that’s cool.” I always looked at it that way, and I think at the moment, my kids do too. “Now I get more Christmas presents.”
The Divorce Coach Says
Although Megan was too young to remember life with mom and dad under the same roof, there were plenty of years with two houses during which time cooperation between Megan’s parents was critical. She’s got me thinking about what psychologists would use as predictors for children who adapt well to divorce. Are they
– age at divorce?
– degree of open conflict during marriage?
– involvement of both parents post-divorce?
– degree of open conflict post-divorce?
And certainly how well-adapted a child is changes with time and I suspect is most likely to improve with time as the pain and hurt fade and understanding increases. Often times one parent will shield their child from the truth behind the other spouse’s behavior or give them an age-appropriate version and most of us know that children are smart .. they can see the troublesome behaviors for themselves and don’t need us telling them.
I am curious about splitting siblings. Did that happen to any of you? How did you feel about it? My son has hinted at wanting to spend more time at his dad’s which I’m OK with in principle but I’ve said there would still have to be an overlap with his sister. I think maybe in the early days it’s important for siblings to be together because they can support each other.
Thoughts?
PS … Megan hit on one of my pet peeves … “broken family” – not broken, just different.