Vivianne’s son was just two-years old and her daughter was about eight, when they moved out of the family home away to New Jersey. Obviously, her son is too young to remember what was going on at home and why it was imperative to find safety. That’s both good and bad; good because the fewer people exposed to such behavior the better, bad because it’s hard for him to understand why his mommy and daddy don’t live together.
Now Vivianne’s ex has decided he doesn’t want to see his children and she’s trying to shield them from his rejection. Here’s Vivianne:
After I moved out to New Jersey, I would drive the children to his place in New York each weekend. Then in April 2009, something happened. He started harassing me horribly and he decided he wasn’t going to see them anymore.
My daughter couldn’t understand why she couldn’t see him and she would call him but he wouldn’t return her phone calls. There were a lot of tears. I did everything I could to have him contact her. Eventually I had to place her in counseling to help her learn to deal with it because as mercurial as he is with with me, he can be just as unpredictable with them but not as overtly. My biggest challenge is learning how to help the children through these periods of crisis with him.
I tell them,
“I’m certain your father’s probably going through something right now. I know your father still loves you. I don’t understand why he’s not returning the phone calls.”
I try to be honest. I don’t want to lie but I don’t want to put added pressure on them. It’s very difficult. I hope I’m saying the right things. I know I cannot speak ill of him. I know it would hurt them more. I don’t criticize him in front of them and I don’t say anything negative about him. That’s not difficult for me to do because I always teach my children that it’s not nice to speak ill of anyone and to treat others as you would like to be treated.
It IS difficult for me when my son looks at me and asks,
“Do you still love daddy?”
I tell him,
“I still care very much about your daddy and I know your daddy loves you.” Then I move on.
Those direct questions are difficult to handle. I don’t want them to know what is actually going on, the stress and tension I feel with him or the depth of the things he’s done. They don’t know he doesn’t pay child support, they don’t know that he flat out told me he doesn’t want to see them or that he doesn’t want anything to do with them. They don’t know that and I want to keep them insulated from that.
My role is to soothe and to try to normalize their situation as much as possible. A lot of people say children of divorce never get through it or they have a much more difficult path in life. I try very hard to not allow my children to fall into that.
I know it would have been a much more difficult path for them if I had stayed in the marriage as opposed to getting out. I think it was better for me to get out.
The Divorce Coach Says
I think this must be such a difficult situation to deal with. What do you do when your children’s father decides not to see them, not to have any contact with them?
I think I might try to put it terms of dad being sick (it sounds like Vivianne’s ex is mentally ill) and not being able to cope with visits. And as Vivianne does, reassure them that, in his own way, he loves them. I think she’s right that her children don’t need to know all the details at their age. As Kristie said, he might be your ex but he’s still their father and will always be their father. Who knows, maybe at some point he will regret his decision and choose to be better dad.
Not speaking ill of your ex is a cornerstone of parenting post-divorce but remember, what you don’t say impacts your children just as much.
Vivianne is blogging at Vivianne’s Vista. She also covers domestic violence and abuse for Examiner.com in the New Jersey area. You can follow her on Twitter – @ViviannesVista .
Photo Credit: PEEJOE at Flickr
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My therapist also used the mentally ill strategy to help me better understand why my ex does what he does. It's true, his behavior certainly isn't normal! And he really can't live up to "normal" expectations of a parent.
In that situation, I think it is kindest for our children to say that 'Dad is doing the best he is able.'
About 10 years ago, I went to a psychic – I was feeling upset/angry/bitter that my mother had died before my children were born whereas my husband's mom was alive but never really interacted with our children because of her depression/bi-polar. The psychic, rightly told me, to disconnect the two things – they're not connected. Then he also said I needed to stop defining my child's relationship with their grandmother by my expectations. They have a right to a relationship and it's between them and her to define and it will be what it will be. I know the whole psychic bit may be 'out-there' but what he said struck home and helped me see my mother-in-law with a lot more compassion. She was doing all that she was able to do.
When I find myself bemoaning my ex's disorganization or chronic tardiness, remembering this reminds to keep my mouth shut.
My ex is an alcoholic and his lifestyle impacts us greatly. When the kids are with him the main thing I worry about is whether hes driving the kids after he's had something to drink. WHen he doesnt have the kids, he spends his days walled up at home drinking. So he hasn't worked for 1.5 years, doesn't pay child support and will have his (our former home) house foreclosed on soon. Its hard for me, knowing all of this, to just smile and act like he's ok..like everythings ok. It's hard to know what I can say to or in front of the kids and not appear like I'm just bashing their dad.
I think you're in a difficult situation because there is a safety issue here. Have your children ever said anything about dad's strange behavior? Do they know what he's like when he's been drinking? Have you told them not to get into the car if they think he's unsafe and to call you? It's little like the conversation you have with a teenager who's out with friends – you know, "call me anytime and I will come and get you. It doesn't matter where you are or what time it is. Just don't get into a car with someone who's been drinking."
My brother and I are thankful our parents divorced when we were little. We had such a much better life with my mom and grandparents and aunts and uncles. However, it was harder in my teenage years. We never defined our relationshisp with our father by how he treated our mom – it was about how he treated us. And, sadly, he failed miserably just through shear lack of effort on his part. Nothing frustrated me more than hearing my mom say he loved me. Coming from her did not count. One of the things that saved me was 1) God the Father, 2) defining what type of life I wanted, 3) what kind of man I wanted to share it with, 4) what kind of father for my children – those established goals that kept me focused "me" creating something wonderful instead of sitting in a pool of rejection. You got to pull up out of that rejection and walk on, leaving it behind (I am speaking of my experience as a child of divorce) – I admire your strength and conviction to help your children deal with a difficult situation. Back in my day, nobody thought of helping the kids – it was like divorce only affected the parent.
Thank you for chipping in here buecottonmemory – I think what you're saying is it's OK to tell children their parent still loves them provided you're being genuine about it. You can recognize that the parent may be involved to best that he/she is able but don't lie because children will see through that.
Why is it your job to protect the kids from the fact that this is their father and these are his choices. Just say “your dad has other things to do. this is nothing new. its not personal. he treats everyone this way. He has a problem. You are an amazingly wonderful child and i am so lucky that i get to be with you all the time”. the way he treats them is not love. don’t set their expectation of love so low. and i’d stop calling him “daddy” to the kids, and using his first name. dude needs to earn that “daddy” title back.
I think you have to be careful about how much detail you give kids and do your best to make sure it’s age appropriate. I agree that reassuring them that it isn’t personal is very important.
I liked your comment that the title “daddy” has to be earned, as would “mom.” Shouldn’t be expected because you’re the biological parent.
I can so relate to this post. I am in a similar situation with my pending divorce. It’s been a year since I moved out with my (our) girls and in that time he’s only seen them twice for a two-hour period and occasionally sends them emails or phone texts – and he lives a block away. Now that it has finally dawned on him that there is no going back for me and yes, I did leave him… there are no more daggers to throw in my direction. Now, he’s been crafty at the daggers he’s thrown at my girls – as an indirect way to hurt me. And it does. It pains me to watch this happen and I so want to blurt out… your Daddy is a bum and so wrong for treating you all the way he has been. Ok, so the marriage is over, grow up, that shouldn’t stop you from continuing a relationship with your children. It’s just sad. I’m hoping one day he will wake up and see the damage he’s doing and make things right. Unfortunately, I can see this going on for some time and him missing out on their lives. That will be his loss.
I also believe that he needs to earn the “Daddy” title back. So many times I have to bite my tongue when they bring him up but I just smile and try to be encouraging. What else can I do? It’s a bizarre form of emotional abuse.
LadyGee – I don’t know the specifics of your situation … I think you’re right to bite your tongue … your girls will figure him out. That being said there’s a fine line between getting them accept him the way that he is and teaching them not to let others mistreat them. When we set low expectations for ourselves others will treat us that way and I think it’s important that you teach your girls that they don’t need to tolerate poor behavior from anyone. They shouldn’t put their lives on how waiting for Dad to show up …