Yesterday, I introduced you to Heather-Marie who, at first, saw herself as being the bad guy for wanting her marriage to be over. As much as she wanted that however, Heather-Marie was not prepared for living on her own. She said learning to take care of herself was one of her most significant accomplishments since then.
I bet I’m pretty rare these days but I’m one of those people who moved directly out of their parents’ house and into their husband’s home. Even though my husband was in the military and gone half the time, I really didn’t learn to take care of myself. I was in school the entire time and I didn’t have to have a job. If I had a problem, if something broke, somebody else would fix.
When we divorced, he moved out and I had the house. I was still in law school and I had to get a job to try to support myself. The house was a big deal. The garage door broke. Then the siding needed to be replaced and then it needed a new roof. I realized quickly that I didn’t know how to deal with any of it. I didn’t know who to call. I didn’t even know where to look for someone to call. I had no idea how much anything would cost.
I was such an emotional disaster, it was complete overload. I didn’t have my family near me. I did have a close friend from law school and a couple of neighbors but I felt very alone and that was mostly a result of the rigors of law school.
Going through divorce was like suffering through trauma of any kind. I did learn how to deal with it all – how to know what to look for and who to call. It gave me a fundamental skill set I didn’t have before and they’re skills I get to use over and over.
The world was a scary place right after the divorce. Now I don’t see it that way anymore. Now it’s all a big adventure and it’s a really exciting place.
The Divorce Coach Says
This is a familiar tale of woe. For me, it wasn’t that I had never lived on my own. I had just been with my partner for close to 20 years and the division of labor in our house fell along pretty traditional lines. When my ex moved out, I was seriously anxious about managing the house by myself. I started to keep a list of all the things I did for the first time …
– programmed the sprinkler system
– got a DVD to play on the TV (ha! ha!)
– caught a mouse in the mousetrap and disposed of it
– changed all the knobs on the kitchen cabinets
– changed the light bulb in the garage – had to use the 14ft ladder
– unclogged the kitchen sink
– unclogged the garbage disposal
– connected the children’s computers to the wireless internet
And so the list goes on. No word of a lie … these are truly from my list. I think light bulbs are the most common pain. There’s Evvy’s light bulb moment and my own light bulb battle. Maryan had the best advice … every newly-single woman needs a handyman.
Keeping the list helped me – as the list grew, so did my confidence. It’s now coming up to three years since my ex and I separated and most things around the house don’t phase me … paying for them still causes me to gulp but that was always true. I have a theory that living alone is the first major challenge that confronts most newly-single people but it is also the easiest to master. What say you? Do men also feel overwhelmed living alone – I’m thinking it would be a different list of tasks?