As parents, we do what we believe to be best for our children. We try to shield them from life’s challenges and from growing up too fast. And when we divorce, we still try to shield them but inevitably they see the less gracious sides of us, they see us at our most vulnerable.
My current guest, Fiona McGlynn experienced her parents’ divorce when she was about eleven. I asked her what she would want to tell parents who are divorcing. Here’s Fiona:
I want parents to know about the empathy that kids have for what you’re going through.
I look back at the moments where my parents didn’t handle things perfectly and all I see is people taking on a big change in life. They were really going through big things in their marriage and outside of it and I get it.
That’s human and there’s no resentment or upset there.
I think it’s good for parents to know that their kids see that and they love you in the moments even when it seems rough and the less than perfect parenting moments—they’re just all part of it.
There’s no perfect marriage.
There’s no perfect divorce.
There’s just no perfect parent and there’s no perfect child.
I think kids have a good understanding of a lot of things that they see.
Was I seeing my parents like that all of the time? Absolutely not. I went through moments of really being angry at them—really, really angry. The reason for that was realizing, more than anything, that they were human at the time. “How could you? I thought you were perfect and you’re not. How can it be this way?” I went through that, but there were moments of that and there were moments of deep, compassionate understanding.
Certainly as I progressed that anger disappeared and just became love and understanding.
Kids might blame you or be angry. It’s all just grieving. They may be grieving the loss of their parents as these super human deities that they previously thought them to be.
I think that’s a natural part of growing up.
The Divorce Coach Says
I love these words of encouragement from Fiona.
There have been times when I’ve felt as the parent, as the adult, I’m supposed to know how to handle everything, I’m not supposed to get upset. But Fiona’s right. The times when I’ve been open, honest, shown my feelings, admitted that I didn’t know, those are the times my children have responded with understanding and acceptance. And I think it’s strengthened our bonds to each other.
I’m betting most of us are harsher on ourselves about what our kids really think and if you need another perspective on that, take a few minutes to watch this amazing video:
A New Perspective For Moms from Elevation Church on Vimeo.
This is the last post in Fiona’s series and I’d like to thank her for sharing her experience of divorce. As a parent, it’s always interesting to hear from a child of divorce. There’s always more we can learn. Based on her experience as a child of divorce, Fiona McGlynn has written a beautiful book, i and the Great Divide, aimed at helping children understand that their parents’ divorce is not their fault.