In Sex and the Seasoned Woman, many of the women Gail Sheehy interviewed said they were not looking to get married again. They were women in midlife who had ‘rediscovered’ themselves after divorce, were enjoying dating, some were in stable long-term relationship but many simply didn’t have the desire to get remarried.
When I talked to “Sue” recently, we talked about dating and marriage. She’s been divorced for 14 years and has dated however,
“My kids have been my world and people I’ve dated, they have been frustrated with that. I had my children most of the time. I had them during the week except one night and every other weekend. That was very frustrating for people. I said that’s all I can do.”
With her youngest daughter now, a senior in high school, Sue with some nudging, has just signed up for match.com. “Actually, my oldest daughter started filling out my profile. I never would have done that but she started doing it and then I was like OK, OK, OK.” Then I asked Sue if she would remarry.
“I don’t quite know why I’d get married again. I think getting married when there are kids involved is really important but I think it makes it complicated. People ask that question all the time and right now I would say, why? I could be in a long-term relationship with someone and never get married and be fine. There are legal things. I have a home and what do you do with that? If I were to meet someone in the future, it has nothing to do with that person and everything to do with my children. But a lot of people do remarry. Right now, I can’t imagine, but who knows?”
My friend Mark, over in England has a completely different view. He’s been divorced for two years now, separated for longer.
“I wanted to get married again. When I first started out, what I wanted was to find a girlfriend to get to know and if that evolved into something more permanent, great. But it’s so difficult piecing it together second time around because of their children, your children and all the baggage. It’s nigh impossible. I know now why so many people get married two or three times, because they get it wrong again.
“I’ve done so much dating in the UK and I did this over a two or three year period. I’ve actually got punch drunk from the whole bloody thing of meeting people. There comes a point when you say I’ve had enough of this. I met so many girls with problems. I’ve been assaulted, I’ve been bitten, I’ve been punched. I’ve met women who just wanted me for sex and I didn’t know it. They wanted one-night stands – you have all the honorable intentions and they use you.
“I actually believe in marriage because it says to me, you two are saying it’s like setting up a company – I’m going to make a go of it. I think you try harder because you’ve entered into a contract to make it work. ”
Mark and I chatted for over an hour and he had plenty to say about online dating so come back soon to find out more about why Mark ended up going overseas and how that differed from his UK experience. As for me, I’m like Sue – my children are with me most of the time and between them, work and my girlfriends, I feel that I just don’t have the time to spend looking for romance and developing a relationship. In a few years time, I think I would like a long-term relationship but like Sue, I’m not sure I would contemplate marriage again.