When I asked songwriter, Terry Radigan if she knew what her ex thought about the new songs on her album, The Breakdown of a Breakup, she said she really hadn’t spoken to him but felt that as a fellow creative artist, he would understand her need to write about this. There is one song however, she hopes he never hears. Here’s Terry:
I will say there’s one song on the record, the song “Mistake,” it’s a really angry song. It’s one of the first ones I wrote, and for the longest time, I had a verse…the chorus of it, and I played it for my sisters who were always my sounding boards, and they were like, “Wow. That’s really great, you need to finish it.” And I was like, “I can’t finish it, I’m never going to play it” because I wasn’t thinking at the time of making a record out of all of this. It was the furthest thing from my mind.
Then maybe a year and a half or two years later, I brought in David Barrett, who was my executive producer, who’d walk in and give me some feedback. I put every fragment I’d ever written about this on a disc for him and he said, “This song needs to be on here.” I felt that song was mean, it was like something I said when I was really angry, but I would never say that to my ex’s face, as mad as I might be. So I went back and forth on that one a lot, so that’s the one song I put on there, and I can honestly say, I hope he never hears it.
Why would you never say it to his face?
Because I don’t know that I could have…there’s a line in there where I call him an aging rock star. And as angry as I was with him throughout this whole thing, I knew that’s how he felt about himself. He was somebody who for 20 years, we supported one another, and we rooted one another on, I don’t know that I could have said that, even as angry as I was.
One thing I did say that made me laugh, like I was outside my body when I said it, and I added it in that song, was when I got a phone call and he said, “You just don’t want to throw 20 years away and it’s not that easy to be out on your own.” I just went, “Are you kidding me? Have you seen me?”
I remember when I was saying it, I was outside my body going, “Did you just say that?”
There’s two songs that David, the executive producer, encouraged me to write. To finish “Mistake,” and then to finish the song “Truth.” That’s the song where I bring that line back, “I tell myself I’ll find another lover, ‘cause hell, just look at me.” I certainly didn’t feel like that most of the time going through my breakup and I sure have days where I feel really far from that, and more like, “Oh my God, look at me, I’m a thousand years old and that’s it for me.”
That’s where David was so helpful. He was like, “Look, no matter what thought you had, no matter how fleeting, really think about it.” So I did, I went back and thought about what I was feeling, like, “Oh my God, I thought I’d be better on my own, oh my God, I’m not! Why can’t I just pick up and go like I did when I was 30? Oh! Because I’m not 30, I’m older.”
Then I had this feeling like, “Darn it, this would have been so much more convenient had we broken up 10 years earlier.” I tried to pick the optimum time that I’d be back out on the market, which is crazy but I see it in women all the time, that fragile thing.
Then I really think…for me, I don’t have kids. I’ve never had a conventional kind of life, so my day-to-day life, I’m not seeing other women at the school dropping my kids off, I’m not living in a suburban neighborhood where everyone’s married and has a family. My younger sister’s gone through a divorce, I’ve seen her go through that, and I’ve seen her friends go through it, and I think about what it’s like to be living in that environment, where every day you wake up and your life doesn’t look like anyone else’s life, you’re taking your kids to school every day, and maybe you have a job and maybe you don’t, but probably everyone at your job is married, and they’re in their life, or if you’re a stay-at-home parent, where are you going to meet somebody?
I think how isolating that must feel, more so than me. Half the people I work with have conventional lives, but the other half don’t, they don’t have kids, they’re not married. I live in the city, I’m with an eclectic bunch, and I know how isolated I felt in that environment, so I can’t imagine how much it would be for my sister, who’s in an environment where her life just doesn’t look like the lives around her.
The Divorce Coach Says
Terry’s producer, David may have sensed that there were meaningful songs to come from Terry’s angry feelings but I’m guessing he wasn’t aware of just how empowering and healing his request would be.
I believe it is a critical part of the healing process to give voice to all the emotions you’re feeling and too often we self-edit. We don’t allow ourselves to vent those feelings because they’re negative. Bad. Ugly. Not who we are. And divorce is isolating. But guess what, claiming all of those feelings is liberating. Whether you do it by journaling, blogging, songwriting, venting to yourself or to friends, it is very beneficial to let it out. But you have to go beyond the simple anger. Remember, anger is an emotion that masks other feelings. To get to the healing, you have to understand why you feel angry. Is it because you feel unappreciated? Do you feel discounted? Do you feel devalued?
Like Terry, you may not feel comfortable saying some of your true feelings to your ex, especially if you have kids and are facing many years of co-parenting and that’s OK. That isn’t the point of the exercise. The point is to truly understand why you’re feeling the way you are.
Hats off to Terry for having the courage to going public with these feelings! What was the best way you found to vent your feelings?
PS: I used to have a boss who said it was OK to make mistakes, just don’t make the same mistake twice. Not sure if that applies to infidelity… ?
You can buy Terry Radigan’s album The Breakdown of a Breakup and find out more information at Terry’s website.
Photo credit: elycefeliz