Unlike a marriage or the birth of a child, divorce is not one of life’s major events that anyone wants. It’s emotionally and logistically challenging and in the moment, it seems never-ending. You doubt yourself and doubt that you’ll survive. Yet, you will get through this. You may even grow from the surprising lessons from divorce.
Wendi was married for about 22 years and has been divorced now for about six years. Her divorce was very difficult. Other people helped her through it and with hindsight Wendi can now see how she’s matured. Here’s Wendi:
I would like to tell people the big message is you can get through it. When things were just so horrible, I had other divorced people saying, “It seems like you can’t get through, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.” And so many people kept telling me that during my divorce and I think that’s what really helped me get through it when I had to divorce such a toxic person that made it as bad as he could.
Then, having a strong attorney really helps, because then you have somebody really fighting for you. Then, with collaborative, it’s not like a big battle. That’s why I would recommend collaborative, because if you have someone that’s narcissistic, their attorney is actually working with your attorney, trying to get it done. I don’t like battles and I don’t like court, so I would recommend that for people.
I just think you learn wisdom through a bad experience. You learn that you are resilient when you never thought you were. You find hidden talents and strengths, like my writing career. You have a chance to do a new life path and a chance for new opportunities. Just take the good with the bad, that you learned a lot and you are a better but different person and your kids are maybe more resilient. And if nothing else, they’ll date people longer and take more time in getting married. It’s a real personal step.
I think I’m less judgmental than maybe I was before when I was married. I think people do the best they can. I know I made so many mistakes and screw ups that I don’t judge people as harshly as I might’ve, saying, “Well, they haven’t learned yet,” or “They’ll find out that maybe there’s better ways.” I try to be non-judgmental.
The Divorce Coach Says
Of course, everyone does make it through divorce in one way or another. It will always change you but not everyone emerges with acceptance and understanding. There are those that come out bitter and vengeful, hardened. The difference is making a conscious choice wanting to be happy after divorce. It’s not an easy path. It means being willing to see and accept the choices you made, how they impacted your relationship. It’s about opening yourself up to be vulnerable.
That’s hard to do alone for two reasons. First, it’s challenging to be objective and open-minded when you’re in a defining, central role as you are in your marriage. Secondly, it’s hard to do without the wisdom of prior experience. That’s why it’s important to build your personal support team and your professional support team. I’m biased of course, but having a divorce coach on your support team will make your journey much easier. If you’re interested in finding out more about working with a divorce coach, please contact me – I have a number of packages available and offer a complimentary 30-minute consult.
Wendi Schuller is the author of The Woman’s Holistic Guide to Divorce. Read more about Wendi’s book and follow her blog at her website.
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