In yesterday’s post, I shared Evvy’s story about how the hardest part of her divorce was telling her children, even though they were adults. I have friends tell me they decided against divorce because they couldn’t face telling their children and I can remember the agonizing discussions my ex and I had about when we should tell our children and what we should tell them. Our counselor had advised us to keep it simple – ‘we don’t love each other anymore and that’s not the way a marriage is supposed to be’ – and to answer any questions honestly. I remember being very anxious on the day of the planned telling and then discussion was surprisingly very short with few questions. Those came over the next couple of weeks and even now, over two years later there are still the occasional questions.
Carol Grever, at Straight Spouse Connection wrote an interesting post about how to handle this issue when one spouse has come out as gay. It’s worth reading even if the gay issue doesn’t apply to your situation. The advice she gives is very consistent with the advice I received.
I do think it is extremely difficult to tell children you’re getting divorced without there being any recriminations or undertones in the language used. I don’t agree 100 percent with the language Carol gives in one of her examples but I do agree with the sentiment – it’s just hard to do. And that applies not just when you first tell the children but in the ensuing weeks.
It was me who initiated our divorce and despite that, my ex did keep to the script and say “we don’t love each other anymore.” I’m grateful to him for doing that because I think it made it easier for the children to understand without feeling they had to take sides.
How did you tell your children? What do you say when there is a third party involved? Do you have any recommendations to share with others?