To remind you, Carol Grever had been married for more than 30 years when her husband came out as gay. Once the initial trauma had passed, Carol realized she had an opportunity to use her somewhat unusual experience to help others. Since then Carol has authored two books, produced a DVD and is a national recognized expert on mixed orientation marriages. When I chatted with Carol, I asked her what helped her turn this potentially devastating situation into a rich and rewarding new life.
I had a whole spiritual awakening because of this and that has been the greatest blessing to come out of it. I was raised in the Christian church. In fact, my ex and I met at church and had always been very active in our religious community along with bringing up our children in the same belief structure. However, in my adult life, it left many unanswered questions.
I went from the Christian church to the Methodist church, which was the same thing, to the Unity church and from there to Buddhism. This was happening at about the same time my ex was thinking of coming out, although I didn’t know that at the time. It felt as if my grounding was changing, the rug was moving under my feet but I didn’t know why. I just had a feeling that things were not right.
I just kept moving further and further in the direction of Buddhism and I believe that was my salvation. That was what actually turned me around from the anger stage and the desire to retaliate. It turned me from that to forgiveness and letting go. I really think that’s the secret of healing. You have to let go of resentment. You have to forgive and when you let go of those things, a whole new possibility for constructive action opens up. That’s how I went from being the victim to being the victor in this whole situation. I don’t feel in any way like a victim now. It gave me a new lens – a different lens through which to see myself and what was happening and it was a much happier lens.
I don’t think I would have got that from a Christian church because so many of them are judgmental about homosexuality and in fact, see it as a sin.
This has been an on-going heartbreak for me. Our eldest son is now attending Oral Roberts University to become a Southern Baptist minister. It breaks my heart because I know his church and his belief system teaches that homosexuality is a sin and that anyone who practices it, is going to hell – that there is no hope. He told me that good works don’t count. You have to believe in Jesus, you have to come and make that confession. That’s the only way you can come and be saved. He believes that with all his heart. What that means to him is that, I as a Buddhist and his father as a gay man, are both condemned. I know it’s hugely conflicting for him as well – he loves us. I love him but it is a conundrum. It is an impossible conflict to resolve.
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I like Carol, was raised in the Christian church – the Church of England – but it’s many years since I’ve attended church. I’ve tried going to different churches but can’t seem to find one that brings me what my soul is searching for. And I do feel that I’m missing something in my life – hard to say exactly what. I’ve wondered whether Buddhism would be the answer for me and it’s odd that I keep connecting with Buddhists. Maybe there’s a message there? I’m headed back to England for spring break and faced with a long plane ride, I think I’m going to pick up the latest book from His Holiness the Dalai Lama, “Becoming Enlightened.”
There’s another book I found on Amazon that might be a good starting place – Buddhism for Beginners. I’ll let you know how I get on.
Update: Carol also recommends The Wisdom of No Escape by Pema Chodron for basic meditation instruction.
Carol Grever is the author of My Husband is Gay: A Woman’s Guide to Surviving the Crisis, and When Your Spouse Comes Out: A Straight Mate’s Recovery Manual. She has also produced a DVD, One Gay, One Straight: Complicated Marriages.