Ever wonder how you and your ex will be in twenty years time? Do wonder if he’ll still be able to push the same buttons and get you upset? Do you ever wonder if you’ll enjoy a glass of wine together? Buck$ome Boomer (who with hindsight says her husband did them both a favor by asking for a divorce) has been divorced for eighteen years now. She didn’t share a meal with ex until more than ten years after their divorce. Now, she and her new partner have even spent Thanksgiving with her ex and his wife. Here’s Buck$ome:
We had rocky times, especially when the two boys were teenagers. It’s a hard time to get through even when both parents are together and on the same page, let alone when you’re divorced.
I’m more of a free spirit than my ex. He is retired military and is a little more rigid than I am so we had different viewpoints on how to raise the kids. That was hard, but now that they’re adults and we have grandchildren together, we don’t have any disagreements in terms of our family.
In fact, we spent Thanksgiving together. If you had asked me ten years ago if that was a possibility, I would have said no but we are both absolutely ga-ga over our grandchild. My husband and I went to my ex’s and his wife’s home so we could be with our kids and grandchild together on that holiday. We may not be really co-parenting any longer but we are co-grandparents. We love the same people and I don’t see why we can’t be adults about it.
That was the first holiday we’ve spent together since getting divorced. We have been together for our granddaughter’s first birthday and weddings, events for our kids, graduations and events like that.
I think the first meal we had together post-divorce was about eight or nine years ago when we were both in Chicago for my son’s graduation from the navy boot camp. We all took him out afterwards to celebrate. We had all traveled that far and we both wanted to be with him, it would have been crazy to not both be with him. So we all went for a celebration, including my mom and my ex’s wife. That started the “glad it’s over but yes, we are going to need to share special events.”
It’s not like we go out of our way to have dinner together but there’s no problem being together at these significant times. I’m sure we had very strong feelings of dislike for each other at one point but I don’t feel that way now and that’s a message I wanted to share. If you want to, you can have a good relationship with your ex. You can get past all the emotions and stress that comes from a divorce. You can find the partner that is the right person for you. Sometimes, you can’t see that there can be really great things at the other end.
The Divorce Coach Says
Buck$ome got me thinking here … my kids are seventeen and fourteen and it’s been pretty easy to adapt special events to our co-parenting schedule. If my daughter is with her dad on her birthday, we have another celebration when she comes back to me. If the kids are with their dad from Christmas, then we celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve. School events are easy for us both to attend and require little to no co-operative planning.
But next year, my daughter graduates high school and that will be different … there’s no having two graduation parties, especially since there’s no family on my side in this country. That means my ex and I will need to cooperate and no, we haven’t eaten a meal together since our divorce. Any suggestions?
Have you eaten a meal with your ex? Have you celebrated special occasions together?
PS: This reminds me of the Meryl Streep/Alec Baldwin/Steve Martin movie, It’s Complicated … if you haven’t seen it and you’re in the mood for laugh, rent it ! I guarantee it will bring a few smiles.