Jenni was with her husband for about fifteen years and was thirty-six when she decided to leave the marriage just over a year ago. Her marriage had been in trouble for a long time and had spiraled downhill five years ago with her infidelity and drug problems. In a failed attempt to hide a sexual assault from her husband, she convinced him to move to Colorado. Here’s Jenni:
Shortly after we moved, my husband put me in a dual-diagnostic treatment center in California. It deals with mental and emotional problems in addition to drug or alcohol addiction.
Based on some of my behavior, I fit some of the criteria for a sex addict but I don’t want to say I’m a sex addict. I definitely had some issues but I think a lot of it was just that I was so unhappy in my marriage. There was no affection.
I was supposed to be at the center for a month but my husband was so verbally abusive while I was there, I actually got grounded from talking to him. My case manager said,
“You can’t talk to him anymore. All he does is upset you.”
He had found out about the affairs and that’s what he was angriest about, which I can understand. I would never recommend having an affair to anyone. As good of an idea as it sounds for the simple pleasures that you get, the long term is never worth it. It is too damaging.
Because he was so angry with me, I cashed out one of my IRAs so I could stay in treatment for another month. As much as I missed my kids, I needed the break, just from the role of mom and wife and feeling like damaged goods after the assault.
My husband was yelling at me to come home and take care of the kids and he wanted to try to make it work. But I knew then what I needed to do. I remember sitting there in California, crying, not wanting to come back and be with him.
While I was at the treatment center, I was diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and depression and was put on meds which worked fine while I was there. Back home, though I was depressed. I wanted to be around my kids but I didn’t want to be with him. My doctor changed my meds which actually made me worse. I couldn’t move off the couch. I was still numb but this time, I was sober and numb.
The Divorce Coach Says
Jenni stayed with her husband for about three more years before she summoned up the courage to leave. She’ll share what was catalyst for leaving in the next post.
I have no experience either personal or with a loved one battling addiction but if the root of Jenni’s problems was her marriage, as she says it was, then I would think that treating the addiction problems alone is enough. And perhaps the addiction and mental health issues have to be treated first before marriage counseling. Jenni didn’t mentioned marriage counseling during our conversation and I firmly believe that counseling is an essential step if both partners want to find out if their marriage can still work. That said, I think there is a point of no return and it sounds as if Jenni reached that while in rehab. She just needed to figure out how to make it on her own.