When I asked Cathy what her most significant accomplishment was since getting divorced, she said it was celebrating her gifts – embracing what she’s good at and what special talents she brings to the world. She gave several reasons why she’d not been able to do that before – cultural norms that don’t value the coaching and counseling skills in which Cathy excels; a spouse that didn’t value them either; and society norms that lead us to think that women who do express what they are good at are being egotistical. So what helped Cathy change her thinking?
It was really a fortunate combination of resources. Shortly after my husband and I separated, I started a new job and they gave me a coach. Identifying my strengths was one of the areas we worked on because at this company the philosophy is very much that if you’re not playing to your strengths then the role may not be the right one for you. Typically, people who are playing to their strengths are passionate about what they are doing, they’re engaged and they love what they do. They are very effective leaders.
The books by Marcus Buckingham reinforce that. He has a series of books – First Break All the Rules, Now Discover Your Strengths, and Go, Put Your Strengths to Work. His message is very much that if you play to your strengths, you will be a much more effective person all round. Most people don’t recognize their strengths because they do what they think they should be doing.
I also use a tool with my coach where we’ll talk about people I admire, what it is they’ve done that I admire, why I admire that achievement, how does that translate to values and what importance I place on those values. Then we try to take those values and skills and see how I can apply them to my work.
A life coach could be helpful but that can be expensive. I found the therapy I went through during my separation very helpful. The therapist I went to only sees women and specializes in women’s issues – and women do have specific issues that are different from men. She researches into issues about being a mother and parenting – she’s very forward-thinking looking at how you arrived at present situation and what’s it going to take to make you happy.
I like to look at my whole life and that’s the approach I like to take when I’m working with people. It’s a proactive model where you look at your whole life and not just career goals – how do you find fulfillment? How do you find balance? You have to look at your whole life because it’s much better if you can make what’s important to you in one area work in all areas of your life and not just your job.
I’m definitely more confident now I’m playing to my strengths and I’m absolutely happier in my new job.
The Divorce Coach Says
I like Cathy’s exercise of looking at people you’ve admired. For me that’s people like Benazir Bhutto, Nelson Mandela, Steve Biko – people who held a belief so firmly and who were so confident in the rightness of their idea, they were willing to die. I marvel at them because while there are values and beliefs I hold dear, my life has never come close to being threatened because of what I think and do.
Do you know what your special gifts are? What resources helped you recognize them? Then just for fun, who do you admire and why?