Like Sue, Beverly credits Bruce Fisher’s book, Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends, with helping her come terms with her divorce and believes she would be in a different place if she hadn’t also done the class …
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A good friend of mine heard that I got divorced and she met me for lunch. I was still at the stage of breaking down anytime someone started talking about the divorce. She handed me the book and said, ‘This is what you have read.’ I thought OK but then I read it – cover to cover as quickly as I could. It was perfect. Then I read it again and worked through the exercises in each chapter. It makes you analyze your part of what’s going on and where you want to be.
Then I registered for the classes – it’s a 10-week program, costs about $400 so it’s quite a commitment but the big advantage is you make a network of friends. I feel like I have a family now that I didn’t have before because I don’t have family in Colorado and I didn’t want my daughters feeling like they had to take care of me.
The classes go through the different stages of what you go through. There’s an anger night when you get to talk about what you’re angry about. For many of us it wasn’t necessarily the spouse. It was anger at circumstances or things that happened or the way it happened. Then there’s a grief night and in my case it wasn’t so much the spouse, it was the end of the dreams you had. Then there’s a self-worth night, one on relationships and the last evening is on sexuality. They say the average 18 year-old knows more about STDs and safe sex than the average 50 year-old. The point there is that it isn’t the same world as it was 40 years ago.
It is mixed, men and women, which I think is critical because you hear stories of the opposite sex as well as it makes you realize that we’re all the same in many ways and we all have the same feelings. There are different reasons people divorce and there are different sides to every story but we are all human.
You’re never forced to say anything – you can say I don’t feel like talking about that right now but once you hear other people talk it’s way easier to throw yours in. In 10 weeks you get to a point that would probably take you years in counseling because you have the support of a group and you end up talking about uncomfortable topics. There is a policy of no-dating policy and you do sign an agreement that you will not date anyone in the class during the program and that helps.
I had already gotten divorced by the time I took the class but there were many who hadn’t. Some are just separated and not sure what they are doing. Some actually go back to their marriage. Once you’ve been through the program nobody talks about divorce anymore. Divorce is history. Every now and again it comes out but people don’t talk about how their ex was a jerk or what their ex did and that’s good. I can’t stand being with people who are doing that.
The class helped me come to terms with the divorce. Whether I want to be here or not doesn’t matter at this point. This is where I’m at. I now do what my friend did. I keep a collection of the books and when I hear somebody who’s thinking about separation or going through divorce, I give them a book and I say, ‘At a minimum, read this book but I think you really need to take this class.”
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I’m reading the copy Beverly gave me and based on her recommendation, I sent another copy to a close of friend of mine who’s been struggling with her marriage for the last couple of years. There’s more information about the seminars at Rebuilding.org and there’s also a link there to find a location near you. If you’ve read the book or been through the class, what part was most helpful to you? What makes this book different from other divorce healing books?