Today’s post on universal truths about divorce comes from my fellow blogger friend, Swati, who blogs at The Single Mothers Chronicles. Swati is a forty-two year old single mom with an eight-year-old daughter. She’s currently writing a book about single mothers, The Single Mothers Chronicles: Tales From Women like You.
It’s now been seven years since my divorce…an event that left my heart in a heap of ashes, $87.00 in my checking account, and the most unbelievably precious gift in the world – my almost-two-year-old daughter.
How bad was it? Let’s see…I had supported my husband for the seven years of our marriage, paid off six figures of his student loans, and then I waived child support and gave him our savings accounts to gain full custody of my daughter. I was feeling ashamed, stupid, gullible, sick to my toes, and so embarrassed – I couldn’t stand to be seen by anyone. I wanted to move to another country…but alas, I could not.
Fast-forward seven years and a) I am still here to tell you about it; b) more significantly, I am smiling bigger than ever.
As I look back now, I see there are just some things I had to go through – some universal truths that come with the piercing, shocking territory of divorce. Below is my personal list of those truths – I hope they help you. And, I hope you know that a wonderful new life awaits you.
- Remember that divorce is one of the most stressful events you can possibly go through in your entire life. It’s not going to be easy – even if your divorce is amicable. Who gets which friends? Who gets the coffee maker? Will your heart ever mend? When will the fighting end? How will the kids do? I think you get the picture – this is going be tough. But let me whisper something else to you – once started, your divorce will end. The important thing is that you’ve started. This may be a chapter in your life, but it isn’t your whole life.
- I know you are probably exhausted. However, you still need to keep on truckin’ – you probably need money and your kids definitely need YOU. So take a moment to assess your situation. Do you know how to manage your finances? Do you need more education to get a job? If you work or have to go back to work, have you figured out childcare? Is there anything you weren’t doing before because your spouse handled it? I can feel you getting overwhelmed and I don’t blame you – it is overwhelming. Take a deep breath. Don’t try to figure it all out at once. Just tackle one thing at a time. And ask for help – you’d be surprised how much people love helping others (so let me know if you need help with your resume, practicing for interviews, or setting up a budget – I’m here – and I am happy to help you!)
- If you have kids…try hard not to trash your ex…it’ll be a true challenge on some days but you will be so glad you abstained! You can tell the mailman, the bagger at the grocery store, your neighbor, your shrink, or your dog, but spare your kid. Your child will see soon enough which parent is the one they can count on, which parent is the one who does what they said they would, etc.
- It’s very unlikely you will have the same life after your divorce. Finances, friends, and your job…it may all change…but seriously, you wanted a different life or you wouldn’t be reading this right? Trust your gut and know a happier life awaits you!
- Somebody’s going to judge you. I know divorce is common – but somebody someplace will judge you. Brush it off with all the useless commentary on what you could and should have done differently (Note: sometimes a gentle brush off won’t work and you have to give it a good swipe off!)
- You may find yourself jumping into things – for me it was belly dancing, art classes, yoga, traveling to Italy, and bike riding. Now I see that what I really needed was time. That’s not to say don’t do fun things like this (I like having those belly dancing moves if you know what I mean). It’s just to remind you to be patient with yourself, because you will need some time to heal.
- Your moods will go up and your moods will go down – it’s normal…as is anger, feeling helpless, being tired, and sad down to your bone marrow…cry when you need to, be gentle with yourself, and treat yourself to a small pleasure when you can (Ice cream? A Hershey bar?) It’s okay – that’s normal too. Pamper yourself in any way you can, you need it.
- There is no satisfying answer to exactly why your marriage didn’t work out, why somebody cheated, why you grew apart, why your marriage was such a mismatch, why…but that won’t stop you from searching. One day, you’ll see it doesn’t matter anymore. And that’ll be a good day.
- Let your past go so you can live in the present; but don’t forget what you learned. You don’t want to be doing that dance again.
Be well,
Swati
I love these words of wisdom from Swati! I especially like the first point that the process of going through your divorce will not last forever. I remember I kept telling myself that. With each milestone, I knew I was one step closer to where I wanted to be. And you will be too.
I wish Swati good fortune with her book – I hope an agent and publisher snatch it up quick 🙂