Differences over money management styles are a common factor in many divorces and it’s not unusual to discover your spouse getting into debt without your knowledge.
My current guest, Bill was married for twenty-three years and money troubles definitely factored into their divorce. His wife had started her own business but when that needed more financing she borrowed a significant amount in his name without his knowledge. Here’s Bill:
My wife started a business, a barn and this was going to be her career ambition. She loves horses and was going to try to make this business work. Being a business person, I was very, very skeptical about the situation. I was somewhat against it. I wasn’t against it so much that it was causing stress and strife.
I think what really started to put a strain on the marriage was when the business started failing and she was not only borrowing money from everybody in my family and her family, but as it turns out, she was stealing money from me. She was taking money out in my name in credit and having the bills go to her barn. When it was all said and done, it ended up being about $50,000 in credit. And I probably put another $20,000 of just my own money into the barn.
Finance laws and marriage laws would say that it was her money that I was putting into the barn, but in a sense it was family money that we agreed before she started the business, that we would not co-mingle. Later, on top of it, the fact that we ended up getting divorced, I ended up having to not only come up with alimony and child support, but give up half of my pension, she had withdrawn all of our pension to put into the business. In equity standards, it was sort of all one-sided here.
When I found out that there was about $50,000 in debt in my name it had actually all reached collection. And I had to pay it all back. I had an investigator on the phone asking me, “Is this your wife that’s done this, because if it is we can remove some of the liability from you.” And I have to tell you, I lied just because I didn’t want her to go to jail for it.
That was probably a year before everything started breaking down and we tried to repair it. We sort of did repair it and then subsequently her career was starting to really tailspin all over again and she started to take stronger medication, claiming to me that she was going to try and kill herself a couple of times.
The Divorce Coach Says:
I admire Bill for standing by his wife and accepting the responsibility for the debts. I think his actions show compassion and kindness especially considering the potential consequences for her and the financial burden for him.
I do also need to say that Bill’s actions here illustrate the co-dependency aura he talked about earlier – he is the knight in shining armor riding in to save the day. Such behavior is part of the relationship dynamic and if you want your spouse to change their behavior, then you may need to start by changing yours.
If you find yourself moaning about something your spouse does or doesn’t do, ask yourself what it is you do that enables such behavior. If you stopped doing that, what would happen?
A very simple example of this would be that you and your spouse have agreed that taking out the trash cans is one of their household responsibilities however they never take out the cans for collection without a reminder from you and it bothers you that you have to remind them on top of everything else you do. Why can you remember the schedule and they can’t?
By reminding them, you are reinforcing that they don’t need to remember the schedule. So try not reminding them and see what happens. I don’t mean to set a trap for your spouse and set them up to fail. Have a conversation that you will no longer be reminding them and then see what happens. Then, when the trash cans don’t get emptied and the trash is overflowing, resist the urge to step in and make it right. Allow your spouse or ask them to take responsibility for that and see what happens.
Expecting changes overnight is unrealistic especially if you’ve been rescuing your spouse for years but it’s also very telling when there are no changes.
BTW – if your spouse is in debt to the IRS and you were not aware of the tax problems you may be able to get innocent spouse relief.
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