From time to time, I get readers contact me and ask me for my opinion on their situation, if I think they should get divorced. While I believe the decision to divorce is a very personal one and one that only the people involved should make, the perspective and guidance of others can be helpful. So typically I will respond with my thoughts.
I’m in a correspondence with a reader currently and I thought it would be more helpful to her if it wasn’t just me responding but if you weighed in also. So with her permission, I’m asking what would you do if you were her:
I have been married for 21 years. My boys are 20 and almost 18. I want to divorce my husband but what holds me back is my own conscience and fears. My husband doesn’t abuse me physically or mentally but he is now 58 years old (I am 43) and since we have been married he has alienated almost everyone we know, which put me into the same habit (which I am fixing due to great family and friends).
He has been fired from three jobs and blames everyone but himself. He has fought with almost all of our neighbors in the three neighborhoods we have lived in since being married. He holds a grudge against any person who does or says the smallest thing against him or doesn’t agree with him. He has put me in the position of being the bread winner just because he doesn’t like what job he is doing, or doesn’t like the person he is working for.
I pretty much don’t like the person he is. I spend more time stressed out by never knowing if he just going to up and quit a job or get fired. I have lost most of the respect I have for him. He says he loves me and I am his best friend. His only friend since he doesn’t get along with anyone, even most of his family.
The main obstacle for me is “what am I afraid of.”
My biggest fear is hurting my husband, even though he has justified my leaving him over and over again, he doesn’t see it that way, and probably never will. Part of my problem is being able to forgive and forget. I am not a person to hold a grudge and when he does things that others deem unacceptable I manage to get over it and move on, waiting for the next crisis.
Part of what holds me back is the fact that I am a fairly happy person, in general. I don’t give the outward appearance of being depressed and unhappy, so I think, maybe I am not that unhappy. However, I don’t love him anymore and I don’t enjoy doing things with him because I never know when he’s going to embarrass me by the strange things he does and says. My sons even have issues with that. I don’t want to do counseling with him and I know it’s because I don’t care and don’t have the desire to. I struggle with the same things many others do, “what if.”
I just keep trying to justify if wanting a divorce is okay. Am I wrong to want out?
The Divorce Coach Says
I think this reader has a case of not wanting to be the bad guy by initiating the divorce and she’s delaying and putting it off, hoping that something else will happen that will give her an easy way out. My opinion is that taking the lead on divorce takes courage and strength – it’s not being the bad guy. It may ultimately be the best option for both parties, especially as in this case, she no longer loves her husband. What do you think?