The amount of post-divorce conflict is a major determinant in how well children cope with their parents’ divorce. Fact. Knowing how to reduce post-divorce conflict should therefore be a priority for any parent whose marriage is ending.
Psychologist and family therapist, Antonio Borello has been divorced for three years. His two children are now aged ten and eight. Antonio says that the relationship between him and his ex was definitely strained at first but that they’ve worked hard to reduce the conflict between them and even harder to keep their disputes away from their children. Here’s Antonio.
One of the challenges I had is probably very common and like what other divorcing couples deal with when you have children. At first our divorce was quite ugly and we did get in a fight for a lot of things. And so dealing with those types of issues were challenging.
I think that both of us know that in a conflict between parents it’s so difficult on the children. And regardless of how much we try not to let the kids know what’s going on, they have their way of feeling things and knowing things. I understood that and I know that she did as well, and so we were able to overlook our differences and get past that. I don’t think there was anything, except for effort and determination that facilitated that. We knew that we needed to do this.
I would say that we have a 95% conflict-free relationship now. Every now and then we do have a little disagreement or something but it’s quickly cleared up and we move forward. And the kids are not involved.
We often do things as a family still, like for example, trick or treating last Halloween. We took them together. It’s something that we both wanted to share with the kids in spite the fact that it fell on a night that the kids were supposed to be with her. We did the same thing last year and the year before. So it really works well when we do that.
I think that you have to be willing to overlook some of the behaviors and patterns of behaviors that got you into divorce in the first place. I suppose a very good way of looking at it would be treating a relationship with your ex-spouse like you would with a cousin or an uncle that you don’t see every day. That’s not a person that you’re calling every day to discuss the intimacies of your life.
But when you see them, on holidays or celebrations just as a member of your family, you understand their quirkiness as they understand yours, and you overlook those things. And for the benefit of the family, you don’t engage in things that perhaps would have caused a conflict or fight or argument in the past.
Knowing that this is someone you’re divorced from will re-define your relationship. It’s no longer a relationship with your other half, your most important relationship; it’s someone that is a family member, especially if you have children.
When you have something that connects you together for the rest of your lives I think that it’s important to be able to respect that person, understand that you’re obviously going to have disagreements with them, and it goes both ways. Sometimes one person’s going to have to be turning their cheek more than the other person, but then that just reminds you of why got divorced. Try to be the bigger person at that moment, and hope that the same can be extended to you in times when you might not be thoughtful or considerate.
One of the things that define an intimate relationship, in my perspective, is that you have a past, you have a present, and then you always have a future. What changes when you get separated and divorced is that the future aspect of the relationship.
You can look at it like, I have another hour that I have to be at this engagement or at this wedding or at this party and then I get to go home and I don’t have to deal with this. It’s not the same as when you were married and having that person in your face every day, day after day after day.
It’s just like you deal with family members that you have to see on birthdays or holidays. We all have an uncle or an aunt that drinks too much at a party and starts to say things that might be inappropriate. You know that that’s their issue and you’re going home, and you don’t have to see that person or deal with them every day. They’re not your responsibility anymore.
The future aspect of the relationship changes, and so that takes a little bit pressure off of you and gives you the willpower to be more patient.
The Divorce Coach Says
I think that most of us understand the importance of reducing post-divorce conflict. The challenging part is doing it.
Now, granted there are some situations where the psychology of one person makes conflict inevitable but I do believe that’s in a minority of divorces. Don’t take what is reported in the media as the norm – there’s a disproportionate amount of attention paid to the most disruptive cases, and also to the most ideal, idyllic cases. That’s because these cases are what’s considered “newsworthy.” The middle-of-the-road, pretty much drama-free relationship, the type that my ex and I have, is not considered of interest to anyone and yet, I think that’s exactly the sort of relationship that benefits most kids.
I agree with Antonio that the shift you have to make mentally with your spousal relationship is that there is no future … there’s no growing old together … there’s no “we” … and that’s a hard transition. That’s about allowing yourself to grieve, recognizing everything you had together and everything that is no more and that can go way beyond the loss of your partner. It’s about your vision, your hopes, your dreams. Acknowledging ALL the losses you feel, as painful as that is, sets the stage for transitioning your relationship. So too can forgiveness.
I also love Antonio’s suggestion of seeing your ex as the relative that everyone has some extra tolerance for – their behavior may be considered socially unacceptable by today’s standards but who hasn’t heard the phrase, “You have to remember that when they were going up …?” And he’s right, you get to walk away, go to your own home, close the door and choose when you want to deal with a specific issue. There is no reason for you to feel responsible for their behavior or their choices and that can also help to reduce the conflict.
All that being said, the biggest determinant in reducing the conflict is quite simply making a conscious decision.
P.S. Forgiving your ex and yourself may bring the inner peace and calm you’re looking for AND bring about that elusive shift in your relationship with your ex. Please contact me to learn about my Getting To Forgiveness coaching package.
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Dr. Antonio Borello is a psychologist and relationship therapist. He and his ex are collaborating on a book about relationships. You can follow his tweets at@eDatingDr and follow him on Facebook at Relationships 2.0.
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