Carol Grever had been married for more than 30 years when her husband came out as gay. That was in 1991. In the time since then Carol has become a published author and a media spokesperson on gay spouse issues.
I believe it started with the realization that I could use the experiences I had had, which were somewhat unusual, to help other people. So, I ended up writing these books and then I did a documentary with straight spouses talking about their experiences. These are educational tools, self-help tools. They allow people to see that this experience is painful while going through it but it is not necessarily the end of the world and in most cases people can survive it, recover and thrive afterward.
Once I got it – that this was an opportunity rather than a disaster – then I proceeded with all my heart and I worked really hard. I didn’t know anything about getting a book published or working with an agent or publisher. I had taught English so I did know how to write. I just knew I had message and I wanted to get it out there.
What was hard was the dredging up the experience and reliving it as I interviewed other people. It was the going through all of that, over and over again, hearing the same phrases, hearing the things I had said to myself and to others, watching their varying levels of emotion. It was hard. It was emotionally draining.
I thought my first job was to find an agent. I had already written the manuscript which probably wasn’t the best way to go about it but I wanted to make sure I could actually finish a book before I offered it for sale. So, I sent queries to a variety of agents and I got a response almost immediately from the first agent I queried. It was an absolutely debilitating criticism. He said this is garbage. Nobody is interested in it. I threw the letter away – I wish I’d kept it now. I’d like to look back and see how wrong he was. Anyway, I believed him for a while and I put the whole project on a shelf in the back of my closet. However, the book kept tugging at me – it wouldn’t leave me alone.
I did tell my ex I was going to write a book and I told him I would show him the manuscript. I did let him read the first version – it was aimed at him. I was still very angry. He read it and said something like ‘that’s a good way to get it all out.’ But it didn’t bother him and I’ll tell you why. He knew it was so bad it would never see print. It was venting. I was trying to punish him. That was part of my recovery process. Well, I burned that version.
I had some of the best advice from a freelancer – she has tacked on her computer a little sticky note that says “Sit back down.” As you get tired you lose your vision, you lose your inspiration and you think why am I doing this? But if you sit back down, it comes back and just the determination to finish it was very helpful.
I went through a couple more versions and then at last I knew I had the one that was publishable. I knew there was a need for it because I had searched the market and there was nothing out there like it.
I think the most exciting moment came when I had sent the final manuscript of the first book to a publisher in California. About two weeks later, I was in a meeting and the phone rang. It was the publisher and she said ‘We want to buy your book.’ I almost fell down. I almost fainted. It was so exhilarating to know that finally somebody who was knowledgeable had read the manuscript and thought it was good enough. It was confirmation of the quest I had been on.
Carol Grever is the author of two books, My Husband is Gay: A Woman’s Guide to Surviving the Crisis, and When Your Spouse Comes Out: A Straight Mate’s Recovery Manual. She has also produced a DVD, One Gay, One Straight: Complicated Marriages.