This Sweet Land of Chaos series features Sara, who was married at 18 and divorced ten years later when the last straw was finding her hubby asleep while watching the children. In the time since her marriage ended, she’s been on that journey of rediscovery and loves who she’s found. I asked Sara what she’s learned on that journey. Here she is:
I’ve learned I’m a stronger person than I thought. I’ve also learned that I was conditioned to be a certain way of bitter and angry toward my ex and that’s not who I was before I got married.
I’m a more peaceful person now than I was throughout the marriage. I’m more relaxed. I’m probably more fun to be with and I want to do more things. The stuff that used to make me happy – the hiking, the exercise – I’m back into it and it’s awesome. I wasn’t really a religious person but I’ve definitely found a more peaceful place with God. Bringing the kids to church was something I didn’t do before and it makes me happy because they love it at church and they have so much fun.
I’ve learned I can do a lot of stuff on my own and I’ve learned my boundaries of what I’m going to accept from my ex-husband. He was trying to repeat the pattern of putting me down, being really bitter and I told him,
“If you feel those things, I hope you get help but I don’t want to hear them and you won’t say them to me, especially in front of the kids.”
I probably tried to stand up to him before but I didn’t respect my boundaries enough to see what was happening. Now if he’s crossing the line at all, telling me to do something or being negative, I just say,
“I don’t want to hear it” and I’ll walk away. This last time he said he was sorry. He wasn’t expecting me to stand up for myself. He was expecting an argument, for him to lasso me in this emotional breakdown of me.
My advice to anyone looking to get divorced or who has just gotten divorced is STAY STRONG. If your family or friends are telling you to get over or don’t do it, that’s not what you need. You need to surround yourself with positive influence and whether that’s getting a book about divorce, going to a support group or going to a counselor, do it.
Don’t make excuses of being fine because there’s no such thing as being fine. It’s impossible to just snap your fingers because it will catch up with you. You can’t ignore those feelings of failure or insecurity, doubt or lack of self-confidence. If you work on all those feelings, you will grow stronger.
The Divorce Coach Says
Sara’s reflection on her journey since divorce rings true for me and for a number of women I’ve talked to. Divorce left me feeling vulnerable, uncertain and lost. The best response is not to push those feelings aside but to stay with them and explore them. Understanding where they come from will help you move forward. For example, I’ve come to realize some of my insecurities have roots in my childhood and I brought them into my marriage – they were not the product of my marriage. Understanding that helps.
Sara’s message reminds me also of Anka who felt betrayed by her husband:
There is no doubt in my mind that after a relationship ends, for whatever reason, chances are there’s some learning that can happen from that relationship. I think it’s difficult to let that learning happen if you go into another relationship right away. Usually the learning has to do with us rather than the partner which is wonderful because that’s actually something we have control over.
Photo Credit: Jontunn at Flickr