Today, I’d like to introduce you to Buck$ome Boomer (@Bucksome). She was my roomie at the recent SavvyBlogging Summit. We’d never met before the conference and of course, I was nervous about sharing a room with someone I didn’t know but those worries were completely groundless. Not only was Buck$ome a fabulous roommate, she was also a source of really helpful technical information like using Google Voice to get text transcripts of voice mail messages to my cell phone because I really dislike checking my voicemail.
Anyway, turns out Buck$ome has been divorced for eighteen years now and I thought it would be interesting to hear how divorce looks and feels after that length of time. Buck$ome’s first marriage was for eleven years. She had two sons and was just 33 years old when she divorced. She married Mr. Buck$ome about three years later and says now that husband #1 did her a favor. Here she is:
I was devastated at the time because I felt like a failure. I really wanted to keep it together for the sake of the kids. I didn’t want them to come from a broken home. Because I couldn’t meet that objective, I laid it upon myself that I was failure, even though I wasn’t happy in my marriage. In my mind, I was willing to make that sacrifice for the kids.
My ex initiated the divorce although I was the one who got the papers filed. The way I saw it was that he’d already decided and if I wasn’t in control of that decision, I would be in control of the filing. I guess it gave me a sense of at least having some choice.
At the time, I just thought he was being horribly selfish. In retrospect, it was a favor. It was the best thing for both of us. We weren’t compatible. We probably didn’t date long enough and got married earlier than we would have if things had progressed naturally but I was pregnant.
We tried to make it work despite the fact that we weren’t compatible but I think because of that experience, we are both in long-term, happy marriages now. It’s better for our kids to see their parents in happy stable marriages than married to each other unhappily.
I wasn’t surprised by Buck$ome’s reflection – I think we often come to terms with situations over time and as our experiences give us a different perspective. What I do find refreshing is that a number of the women I’ve interviewed have spoken about how divorce is not a failure and I’ve written several posts about where is home after divorce? and about how children have two homes after the end of a marriage rather than one broken home. Does this mean that our society’s view of divorce is changing? Is it more acceptable? Is there less stigma?
When someone says they initiated the divorce because they didn’t love their spouse anymore and because their spouse deserved to have the opportunity to be in a loving relationship, I think it can come across as insincere or self-serving. However, as Buck$ome’s story illustrates, if it weren’t for her ex ending their marriage, she wouldn’t have found Mr. Buck$ome.
You can follow Buck$ome at her Buck$ome Boomer’s Journey to Retirement blog, where she writes about her quest to be able to retire in ten years.