Jenni and her husband were married for almost 15 years and had two children who were aged twelve and seven, when Jenni decided to end the marriage. Moving out was a courageous move – after a series of extramarital affairs, a sexual assault and some time in rehab, Jenni had decided to go to college full-time, despite being made to feel stupid. With her background, and a limited income as a hairdresser, Jenni didn’t feel she was in strong bargaining position. Here’s Jenni:
We did our divorce with no attorneys. We did everything ourselves and came up with a custody arrangement by ourselves. He and I held hands during our divorce hearing and went and got a beer and sandwiches afterwards.
In the agreement, it’s about a 70/30 split with my ex having the children most of the time. However, he’ll call me when he needs to go to work on a day off and ask if I can watch them so I probably have them closer to forty or forty-five percent of the time.
I wasn’t able to afford an attorney and I didn’t have the money to fight him and I needed to get myself better in order to be a better mom. I knew I wasn’t being a good person in general and my kids were watching mommy basically fall apart. It was hard for them to watch and understand or have an explanation as to why mom and dad’s marriage and our life is no longer what it was. The fighting was normal to them and now at least they don’t have the fighting.
He was not the best husband to me but he is a good dad and he can give the children the financial stability that I don’t have at this moment. I grew up with a single mom who never had enough money and I didn’t want that for my children. My ex is close to getting his Ph.D. and he did inherit quite bit of money from his dad when he passed away so he’s basically taken care for the rest of his life. My kids will not want really for anything. If they need a pair of shoes, they can get a pair of shoes.
He doesn’t keep the house the way I wish it was kept but the kids aren’t dying. He does what he can as a single dad and I commend him for that because he works full-time in addition to going to school full-time and having the children most of the time. I do what I can to help financially here and there but he’s the one helping me more than anything.
I have a one bedroom, one bathroom apartment and I’ve done what I can to get a better about accommodating the children and having stuff here for them. My dad’s house always felt sanitary to me, where I didn’t have a space and I didn’t have anything to really call my own. I don’t want my kids to feel that way when they come here.
He gives me $300 a month alimony and he has been generous enough to help me out here and there. Early on there was some negotiating because of sexual favors, not so much anymore. I figured I had something he wanted and he had the money. I have cut a lot of that off now even though we are still very co-dependent.
Things are more balanced with him now. Boundaries have always been huge issue for me and now I’m out on my own, I figure it’s me, myself, I. Now when he makes me crazy, I just say,
“I’m going to hang up now. I don’t want to talk to you.”
I don’t want say I have the upper hand now but in the marriage there was so much imbalance. I’m able to stand up for myself now.
The Divorce Coach Says
Jenni’s story about not being able to afford an attorney really bothered me, especially with her comments that her husband had money. I’m all for saving on legal fees, if the settlement is fair and equitable but for anyone, husband or wife, contemplating divorce, I recommend getting at least an initial consultation with a lawyer to find out the legal position and many lawyers will offer an hour at no charge. If Jenni had done this, she may have found that her legal fees would be covered by the marital assets.
That being said, when you’re looking for a way out, you have to do it in your own way and if that means without an attorney, then so be it. Pippi left her marriage with nothing, and no legal involvement. She knew her husband would fight her all the way if she involved lawyers and she didn’t want that.
I appreciate Jenni’s strength to realize that she was not being the best mom she could be and that she needed to work on herself, even if that meant giving up some parenting time with her children. Maybe she even needed the time without her children, to get herself well. I think it also shows courage and commitment to make that break without much financial support.
In my next post, Jenni shares how her children have been coping with the breakup and how her daughter is influencing Jenni’s drug use.