In Being who you are after divorce, T talks about being free to discover who you are after divorce and not needing approval from someone to try something new. One of the areas of discovery for T was her sexuality because she was raised to believe that the only man she was supposed to have sex with was her husband. Now she believes that not having a husband doesn’t mean not having sex and she writes very openly about the topic at her blog, Quest for T. Here’s what she shared with me during our phone interview.
I knew early in my life that I would be a sexual person. I liked to explore and experiment with my husband quite a bit but he traveled ALL the time and he would come home exhausted. After 13 years of marriage, it got to where things I wanted to try, he just said no.
When I got divorced I didn’t go out and have sex with a ton of different people. I have no problem with people who do that – I just didn’t really want to do that. I did the friends with benefits thing. I explored with other friends and I dated a little. The last guy I dated was very experimental and I learned quite a bit from him.
I enjoy reading about things and I think sex is one of those topics that can be endlessly explored. I like to get online and look at porn or buy books and learn about things that way. I look at it from every level, not just a cheap porn level. For example, I want to know how did the Kama Sutra come about? What was it about sexuality that was so fascinating to that culture?
I dated a man who was in love in calves – I married a man who was in love with breasts and here I am dating a guy who loves calves! Other men I’ve dated liked my booty – ‘I like your butt.’ Really? It helped me appreciate my body too. Instead of thinking, ‘My boobs are saggy now, I’m never going to to be able to land a man’ I’m like, ‘I’ve got a fine ass! Look at me!’
You learn what you like and what you don’t. A couple of months ago on my blog was masturbation month – I was promoting that on the blog and I was reviewing sex toys. I had several men who were upset about that and felt that women need to come to men for that. For me, a woman needs to know who she is and what she likes because she’ll be a more whole and well-rounded partner for you.
I think we need to get out and try different things be it foods your ex never ate or different sex positions you never tried with your ex or spirituality or religions. Find out who you are! Underneath, there’s somebody that wants to get out. Why not find out who she is and make her shine?
The Divorce Coach Says
OK – I’m going to fess up that I am not comfortable talking as explicitly about sex as T is nor is it a topic I’ve written much about. I don’t think I will ever be as open about sex as T. However, I do appreciate T raising it – several women I’ve interviewed who were in long term marriages, have said the thought of having sex with someone, of being naked with someone, terrified them so I think this is an important topic for women to talk about. For now, since I’m not going to bust out of my shell overnight, if you want to read more about Single, Bisexual, Triathlete, then do visit T’s blog.
This is the last post in the series on T’s story. I want to give a big thank you for T for sharing – loved chatting with you on the phone and I’m so glad I found your blog!