Happy Thanksgiving!
Thanksgiving and divorce don’t go very well together.
If you’re in the throes of divorce, whether that means you’re weighing the decision to divorce, working through the legal process or recently separately and adapting to your new family arrangements, it can be a very difficult time.
It can mean keeping up the facade of a happy family because you haven’t gone public yet.
It can mean orchestrating separate activities because you and your spouse can’t be together but you haven’t told your kids yet and you want to keep it together until January.
It could mean tiptoeing around your extended family while you try to keep the traditions of previous years going.
It could mean not knowing how you’re going to spend the day because your kids are with your ex and you’re not going to cook turkey for yourself.
It could mean wishing you could just skip the festivities altogether.
It’s not easy but I do know that new traditions are an important part of consciously creating your new family after divorce. What has been your favorite part of Thanksgiving? How can you continue that now?
I have another challenge for you. I’d like you to think about why you’re thankful for your STBX/ex. With all the tensions, frictions and emotions of divorce, I understand your initial reaction might be along the lines of, “Yeah, right” but bear with me. I’m not asking you to do this simply because it’s Thanksgiving.
You and your ex chose each other for a reason and although your marriage is over, it wasn’t a waste of time. You are who you are today because of your past experiences and recognizing the gifts from your ex is one way of coming to terms with that. Recognizing those gifts isn’t easy so maybe if I share my list it’ll help.
- I am thankful to my ex for our two children.
- I am thankful for all the time we spent skiing and all the different places we visited.
- I am thankful my ex was so good with the household maintenance. He showed me that it’s all learned skills and I can learn them too, if I choose.
- I am thankful my ex is still willing to help me even if it has nothing to do with the kids, such as helping me with my flooded basement.
- I am thankful my ex has supported me in disciplining our kids.
- I am thankful my ex has been flexible with our parenting plan. When the Wednesday overnights became too disruptive for them, he accepted that, didn’t fight against it and that has meant less conflict for all of us.
- I am thankful my ex is happy to help the kids with some tasks I really don’t like doing such as shopping for tires or getting their cars serviced.
Now, if you had asked me this when we first separated the list would have been limited to being thankful for my kids. It’s the passage of time that has helped me add to the list and I hope that continues.
Now it’s your turn …