Today’s guest post is from Scott Morgan, a family law attorney. As such Scott sees the whole spectrum of divorce situations and one common issue is when there is a disparity in income between former spouses which can easily lead to a ‘rock star parent’ type of situation. I asked Scott for his insight on how to best cope with this. Here’s Scott:
As a practicing divorce attorney I frequently have clients who are in the position of being a parent who is of modest means while their ex is wealthy. This client might be someone who was a stay-at-home mom before the divorce and is now just reentering the workforce while their spouse was the breadwinner and already has an established career. It could also be someone who is fairly well-established in their field and makes a good income, but after the divorce their ex marries someone who is really wealthy. Either way, being a parent when your ex has a lot more financial resources than you do can be challenging. Here are a few of my ideas on how to make the most of that situation.
Money Does Not Equal Happiness
Everyone has heard the old saying “money can’t buy happiness.” I know, it seems like of those classic truisms that should be true, but we just can’t bring ourselves to believe that if we were suddenly rich we wouldn’t be automatically and permanently happier. If you believe that to be true (I used to believe that), then you should check out Sonja Lyubomirsky’s book, “The How of Happiness.” She is a psychology professor who does research on the subject of happiness. One of her significant findings was that wealth, even sudden unexpected wealth, might make you happier for a period of time but that change is almost always temporary and the person will revert to their prior happiness level.
So you could use your situation to teach your child you don’t have to be rich to be a happy family. Teach your children by example, showing them that you can have a happy and fun life without spending a lot of money. However, even if it’s true, you should avoid pointing out how unhappy your rich ex is. Just emphasize to your child that you can be happy and have a good life regardless of your financial circumstances.
Remember Your Own Childhood
Think back to your own childhood. Unless you’re one of those rare people who would say they had a “perfect” childhood, you could probably point to things that your parents did or did not do that you consider a parenting mistake on their part. Nearly everyone could fill in the blank to, ‘I wish my parents had ______.’ But very few people would finish that sentence with “they should have made more money and given me more material things.” In fact, if you ever known anyone who came from an extremely poor background they often will talk about how tough times were but how close their family was. Once you remember how little that mattered to you as a child, you will understand how little it really matters to them.
Appreciate the Unique Experiences
A complaint I’ve heard more than once is “my ex is taking the kids to Disney World and I will never be able to afford that.” I’m not trying to say that the situation is fair, but there are many unfair things. Some people are rich, some are poor, some are tall, some are short, some are extremely intelligence, and some not so much. What I have told these clients is that they should stop focusing on how unfair the situation is to them and start focusing on what matters, their child.
If you don’t have the means to take the child to Disney World, be happy that the other parent does and your child gets to experience something fun. Often parents in this situation will point out to the child how they wish they had the money to take the child to Disney World. Without realizing it they are making the child feel guilty about something that shouldn’t feel guilty about. While it might take a little effort, the best thing to do is to simply let the child share their excitement about the trip with you and let them share the parts of it they can. For example, look at the photos and video from the trip and tell them how happy you are that they got to do something so cool.
Money Doesn’t Mean Good Parenting
For the parents who can shift their focus away from the unfairness of the situation and instead focus on the positives they have to offer as a parent, it will be far easier to deal with. Most importantly, remember that money does not equal good parenting or happiness.
The Divorce Coach Says
It would be easy to feel jealous of your ex or to feel inadequate/intimidated and think your child will want to spend less time with you but as Scott says, you can still demonstrate to your child that fun doesn’t have to cost a lot of money. You can involve your child in your bargain hunting, whether it’s using Groupon type deals or sale shopping. By sharing with him your budget for a trip and letting him help with the planning, you’ll be teaching him valuable life skills he’ll need once he leaves for college or starts working.
While you may wish it was you taking your child to Disney, you can show your child you’re happy for them by helping them to prepare for the trip, making sure they have the right clothes and even reading about the different rides so he knows what to expect.
Are you dealing with this situation? What questions does your child ask? How do you explain it? And what if you’re the parent with the money? How do you take your ex’s limited resources into consideration?
Scott Morgan is a board certified Austin divorce lawyer who regularly blogs on the subject of divorce and family law. You can read his blog at AustinDivorceSpecialist.com.
Photo credit: Mastery of Maps