Jenni has been divorced for less than a year and for most of the women I’ve interviewed, it takes much longer than a year to adjust to being single especially if there are children involved. Jenni knows she’s on a journey with lots of uphills however, she’s learned that setting boundaries helps her and her children. Here’s Jenni:
Boundaries have always been an issue for me. When we first separated, there weren’t clear boundaries. For example, for Thanksgiving, he didn’t know how to cook the turkey so I went to their house for 
dinner. We did our traditional family Thanksgiving dinner and we all went to see a movie.
There was a lot of crossing back into the family dynamic and yet we’re not living together. I was going over and having dinner with them and then my feelings were getting muddled and my clarity was getting unclear. There were times I was ready to go back to him, ready to throw in the towel and say,
“I can’t do this on my own. I’m never going to make it.”
Not only was it not good for me, I think it was confusing for my kids, especially at first. There wasn’t a clear definition of
“Mom’s moved out. Mom doesn’t come in the house anymore.”
I have better boundaries now. I still go in the house. I still have stuff stored, even today, there but I’m not going over there the way I used to. I knock at his door now and I’m not barging right in. I’m trying not to ask too many personal questions to him because I don’t want to know.
My daughter is at the age where she where she’s going to be exposed to drugs and she has to start making those decisions for herself. I’ve said:
I can’t babysit you every minute of every day. You’re going to have to make that choice and deal with the consequences if that’s the choice you make for yourself. I can’t be there to hold your hand the rest of your life.
I’ve got five years with her, basically is what I look at. I’m trying to set a good example for her and make the best of my life or the best example of my life for her. I do like to smoke marijuana and it’s pretty relaxed here in Boulder but I’m not as involved in that as I was. I don’t surround myself with everyone who smokes. It’s nice to have friends who don’t smoke. I drink a little bit here and there but nothing any harder.
I talked to her a couple weeks ago and said
I’m sorry that I let you see your dad treat me the way that he did all those years, and I’m sorry I set the example…it’s not okay to let someone treat you like that who is supposed to love you. They shouldn’t speak to you the way that your dad used to speak to me.
And she said,
“If nothing else, I’m just glad you and dad don’t fight as much anymore.”
She’s got a pretty good head on her shoulders, all things considered. I think her and I are better friends now that we’re not living together, I think we can appreciate each other a little bit more and she told me she thinks I’m a pretty cool mom. That’s a high compliment from a thirteen-year-old.
My son’s had a harder time with the separation and the divorce and being away from mommy. He’s still at the age when he wants to hold my hand when we’re walking down the street. I try to keep him from feeling so angry and sad about it. We talk and I try to do special stuff with him.
I needed to leave to be a better mom and I truly feel like I am a better mom now.
The Divorce Coach Says
I think it’s hard to move out of your home and then treat it as if it’s not your home. It’s going to be an adjustment but I can see how behaving as a guest would make it easier for children to understand that mom and dad’s relationship has changed.
When my husband and I were splitting up, he moved out and I stayed in our home, while it was on the market. I was always uncomfortable with him just walking in but I don’t think I said anything about it because it had been his home and at that time, he was still part-owner. It just didn’t feel right telling him he couldn’t come in.
When I moved into my own house, I would let him come in but I would go get the kids and I asked that he stay in the hallway. It was a while ago now. I vaguely remember him asking why and me explaining I didn’t want him to just wander around my home.
If you can do it, spending the holidays together is great. It reduces the time crunch of shared parenting time and avoids children feeling torn between two homes. Some people, like Lauren and can enjoy being one big happy family on these occasions, with new partners and those partners children. It’s not always possible.
Boundaries is probably a huge discussion area – all sorts and not just limited to visiting each other’s houses but also borrowing items, respecting parenting time, asking personal questions, physical intimacy …. What boundaries were important for you? Were some boundaries harder than others? Did any boundaries help your children more than others? Is there a difference between being a mom and being a friend?
BTW .. My separation agreement says …”Neither party shall have access to the person or residence or property of the other in excess of a stranger ….” Reading that now, it seems kind of harsh but I know what it means.
Photo Credit: Rachel from Cupcakes Take the Cake at Flickr