Carolyn, who blogs at Leap and the Net Will Appear, is an amazing, strong lady. When I talked to her, I got the sense she was a capable, confident, loving mother who had a clear path ahead of her. But, as you know from this series, she hasn’t always been this way. She says although it is a cliché, the divorce was the best thing that ever happened to her. Here’s how she describes the change.
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I’ve become an advocate for myself in a way I never was before. I put up with a lot of things I shouldn’t have put up with. I was in denial because I was so insecure. I was afraid to argue with my husband because he might leave me. I felt I would be nothing without him and because of that I was too scared to speak up for myself. I felt I was lucky to have him to take care of me.
I was paralyzed by fear.
I used to agree with all of his politics. I would argue vehemently for all these issues he believed in and I would blog about them. When I moved out, after a few months, I realized not only do I not care about his politics, I actually started swinging the other way. He’s really libertarian conservative and I’m far more liberal. That would horrify him. It’s not that I was faking it before or lying about my beliefs. I simply didn’t look at my own beliefs. I didn’t ask myself what I thought.
For a while after moving out, I almost had a PTSD reaction to talking politics. My new boyfriend would try to start a political discussion and I just didn’t want to go there. He would start telling me what he thought and I would smile and nod. It took a couple of months but now we have lively discussions – sometimes we agree, sometimes we disagree. It’s a whole new experience!
I’m also learning it’s OK to be scared.
I’m learning it’s OK to be angry. It’s not OK not say something about it.
The other day, my boyfriend said something. It wasn’t something I was angry about but it didn’t sit well with me. I thought about for a day or so and I thought ‘why do I keep thinking about that conversation? Maybe I’m upset or irritated by it.’
Then I started my old habit, which was to convince myself that I had no reason to be upset with him. I started to defend him, in my head. Then I thought, ‘what about my point of view?’ and this time though I worked up the nerve to talk to him about it. I said,
“Remember that conversation we had the other day? I was bothered when you said XYZ. It’s not that I’m angry but I interpret it this way and that’s kind of irritating.”
It took me half an hour to spit it out, but it ended up leading to a long conversation about our thoughts on marriage and commitment and families.
What I learned was it’s so much better to just say something. What was I so scared of? That he’d be upset with me and we’d have an argument? So we’d have an argument! If we can’t agree on things, we shouldn’t even be together.
I’m still scared of situations like that but I’m learning that’s OK. What’s not OK is to push it under the rug and act like it’s not there. I respect my feelings more. If those feelings exist, they’re valid, even if I don’t know why.
I see my ex-husband when he drops off the kids and he’ll chat to me like he knows me. He acts so familiar and I think,
‘Wow. He really has no idea. I’ve changed so much since I’ve moved out and he doesn’t know that.’
It makes me kind of smug sometimes when I talk to him. I do feel like a different person but in a good way.
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Our bodies tell us so much about what is right for us and what is wrong but often we don’t listen and then we wonder why we’re not happy. We have an internal guidance system that helps us make good decisions. The biggest clue is the physical feelings that come with the feelings. It’s hard work learning to understand your feelings and then to express them but developing that skill is important in all relationships, not just our romantic ones. I’ve been practicing this with my kids – trying to get them to accept that it’s OK to disagree and that it’s best to talk about it, exactly as Carolyn is saying. Mama J talked about the same issue in the importance of fighting in a marriage .
Don’t forget, Carolyn writes the Leap and the Net Will Appear blog – hope you’ll pay her a visit.