Dating after divorce is scary – it takes courage to open yourself up and to be vulnerable. It takes courage to accept the possibility that you will again experience heartbreak. But there’s no getting around it, if you want to find a partner, find your true love, then you have to be courageous.
My present guest Elizabeth was in her early sixties when she got divorced. Who even knows where to start after thirty-eight years of marriage? Elizabeth turned to online dating, was persistent and resilient and now wouldn’t look back. Here’s Elizabeth:
My grieving has been about the loss of my vision for my marriage and the interesting thing is now that I’m in a relationship where I feel truly loved for the first time in my entire life by a man, I could grieve my whole life because I accepted crumbs my entire life from people.
Contrasting that, I’ve done so much personal development work that I’ve been able to receive this love and generosity from somebody who’s able to give it. He’s just an incredible person. It’s karma I attracted that and allowed it.
I met him on Match.com. We had one phone call on Wednesday night and we were going to dinner on Sunday. On Friday night I had been with a friend and I said to my friend, “I’m afraid that he’s going to be too forthcoming, he’s going to like me too much.”
She said, “I’ve had that and I let go of it. And I’ve been looking for it ever since.”
Her wisdom had me just taking some deep breaths in my body and say allow it in. Allow whatever, allow whatever he’s able to give, allow it in.
We had dinner on Sunday night and at dinner he said, “I’m going to take myself off Match, I’d like to pursue this.
That would have scared me to death. Like, I’m responsible for how this works out, and he’s cutting himself off but I just accepted that that was wonderful. And I was going to ride it out.
It didn’t feel like he was stalking me in any way. I just felt fine. And he is just this incredible, generous, giving— he has enormous capacity. And I’m a pretty big person. I’ve got a lot to hold on to and he’s there for me. Energetically, spiritually, it really amazes me at times how much he has to give and that I’m willing to receive it.
Since I’ve been going out with this man, people say, “You look fabulous,” “You look younger,” “You look happier,” “You look radiant.”
They never said that when I was in my marriage. I never heard that. Something is being stimulated, that never, never was. I think I had a drawn look all of the time because I was trying to make up for that lack.
I believe in body/mind connection. Louise Hay who wrote a book called Heal Your Body A-Z: The Mental Causes for Physical Illness and the Way to Overcome Them, she says that every disease in our body is affected by some thought that we’re having. I had developed these warts on my feet. The dermatologist would get them off, they would go away and then they would come back. When I got divorced, they disappeared. Louise Hay said those kind of warts are little hatreds.
Isn’t that interesting? I was walking on these little hatreds on my feet.
The Divorce Coach Says
This segment makes me both sad and happy. It’s sad to get to the end of your marriage, to be grieving that and then to realize that you settled for less than you deserved or wanted and that so many years have been wasted.
I know we’re not supposed to think like that. I know that the coach or therapist would say, “You accepted or chose what you thought you deserved at the time- you weren’t equipped to demand more or to handle more at the time. And all those years? They weren’t wasted – those years were what it took to bring you to where you are today, to the realization that you want more, that you deserve more and to the determination not to settle.”
And the coach/therapist is right because in understanding their perspective you come to understand your role in your marriage and why your marriage was what it was. That understanding is then a springboard for change.
And look what change brought Elizabeth! That’s the happy part. There is more and if you’re willing to take a risk and to be vulnerable, it’s a richly rewarding experience.
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