As a twenty-eight-year-old recently divorced mom to three young children, Megan is finding her feet. She’s trying to figure out how she can be at home with her children while making sure she has the income to pay the bills. Adjusting from a comfortable, financially-secure married life is scary and for Megan what’s been even harder is being on her own. Here’s Megan:
I think one of the hardest and most terrifying and best things has been being alone. I’ve always been terrified to be alone. I’d never slept a night alone in my life and the thought of that was just terrifying.
I went from my mom’s to my ex, back to my mom’s, to my husband. I’ve never been on my own. And now I love that time by myself. It was so weird because when he left at first, I thought,
“Oh my God, I have to sleep in this bed and this house all alone, I’m never going to sleep.”
I never slept so good, those first three nights, and I just thought, “this is so peaceful.”
It shocked me, but it makes me think I really can be alone, when before I thought there was no way I could ever be alone.
I don’t want to be one of the girls who has to have a guy in her life or has to jump at the first opportunity for some guy and I don’t care if he’s a train wreck, I’ll take him anyway. I want to be selective and I want my kids to be proud of me someday and look back and say “my mom really loved us and she did the best she could and I don’t have any hard feelings for any of the choices she made.”
It’s funny, when I read this blog, and about women doing things for the first time, like fixing the dishwasher or the garbage disposal that breaks all the time, or the AC when it’s broken…I live in a condo now, so I’m very lucky that I have great neighbors that come fix my stuff. I play the damsel in distress, I knock on the door and I’m like “could you fix this for me?” I’m very lucky for that, but it’s true. I still look at stuff, and stand there and cry because I’m like “I’ve never fixed that in my life, I don’t know what to do when the garbage disposal breaks or the toilet overflows or the car won’t start.”
To this day, I would still call my mom.
The Divorce Coach Says
I’ve found that being scared of being alone after divorce is not unusual. It’s not being scared of being alone as in not being in a relationship but scared of living alone. The women who’ve talked about it with me are similar to Megan in that they were in their twenties and they’d never lived alone. Jolene was scared of living alone – she’s a triplet so always had her sisters for company and then a boyfriend and then a husband. Carolyn also had to learn to live alone – she was twenty-seven when she left her husband and she had never lived alone. Most people seem to adjust and end up enjoying the alone time.
For me, honestly, I was glad to have my bed to myself and to finally be able to go to bed and relax instead of feeling all tense because he was in the same room. I had no problem sleeping. I was more worried about sleeping through the alarm and not getting the kids to school on time which wouldn’t have been the end of the world! I worried about whether I would remember to put the garbage cans out – duh!
What Megan started with her move to a condo, maybe even subconsciously, was to recognize those tasks she didn’t want or couldn’t do herself and figure out how to handle them. Getting a condo was a smart move – not only does she have neighbors in close proximity but much of the maintenance is taken care of by the association. She needs to add a few more players to her safety net – like a handyman and I’ve always had AAA membership as my backup for car problems.
Oh and yes, there is no shame in asking for help. Like Carolyn learned, you’re not a dimwit for not knowing how all the home stuff works, you just haven’t had the experience.