In the first post in Megan’s story – Should never have got married – Megan said she’d got married because she was pregnant and then stayed because of the financial stability. She was a stay-at-home mom during her five-year marriage and so far, through a combination of savings, financial support from her parents and alimony she has managed to continue as a stay-at-home mom to her three children aged eight, five and three. However, the alimony runs out in six months and Megan is struggling to live up to her financial expectations, expectations she says come from her upbringing. Here’s Megan:
Financial stability has always been pressed upon me since I was a child. Must have money, must live up to a standard of living and expectations. My first relationship, that I had my first son with, he was a contractor, he had money, but then he had a drug problem and I left.
When I met my husband, it was the same thing. Financially, he was set and I stayed because it was expected from my family and if I was going to leave, it was still expected that I would live up to a certain standard.
I think it’s like that for a lot of people. If my ex wasn’t as good as he was financially, I think he could have starved me into staying.
For my family, it’s always been that you have nice houses and you have nice cars and you have nice things. My husband and I had zero debt, which I’m very grateful for, and that did allow me to leave. But if he hadn’t been so good paying me continually since the day he left, I would have never left.
I always have to know what somebody does for a living. I have to know that they have financial stability before I want to date them, and it’s still important to me. At this point, I now have three kids and I don’t want to struggle. Relationships are hard enough and stressful enough, three children are an added stress and adjustment to anyone’s life, and I personally don’t want the stress of financial instability. I think there’s already enough things against you to make your relationship not work, and one of the number one things is money issues, and I don’t want to struggle.
I always paid the bills. I’m frugal, I am obsessive about where every dollar and cent goes and how exactly the checkbook lines up. I don’t want the stress of thinking I can’t pay the water bill or I can’t pay the electric bill. I have friends who live like that. Or the rent is fifteen days late. I can’t live like that. I need to know that everything is paid, on time, if not before it’s due.
I try not to think about the future but I do worry about it. Before I remembered about my 401(k) money, I thought.
“If I don’t get a job in a month, I’m going to have to worry about how to pay the rent.”
My mom has given me over $10,000 this year. I do feel guilty about that, as much as she says “that’s what we’re here for and I wish somebody did that for me when I got divorced and nobody helped me and I always want to make sure that you’re okay,” I don’t always want that.
I don’t want my kids to think about money. I don’t think it’s fair when children have to ask why they can’t have a certain item from the grocery store? I’m okay with saying, “No, you can’t have every toy in the world,” or “you can’t have a pair of new Nike sneakers every 2 months” but I don’t want to have to say “no you can’t come to grocery store because I can’t pay for this.”
My husband and I lived in about a 3,000 square foot home with four-bedrooms. All the kids’ bedrooms were painted perfectly to the color that they wanted and their furniture was perfect and the house looked great. He left and I lived there for another nine months, luckily for us. It was a rental, but I really struggled to pay the rent and the utilities and when the lease was up, I knew I was going to have to leave.
I looked and looked and I thought I was going to have move into a three-bedroom apartment. I was devastated. That was never what I thought of for myself or my children. I just kept looking and looking and I got lucky because almost on the day I signed the lease for an apartment, I got this beautiful brand new condo that nobody’s ever lived in, with great features.
I cried when I moved, because it was the end of a chapter and I’d lost my nice house and my car, and it was starting over for the first time for us.
It’s still hard for me. I still look at stuff and think I’d love to live in that house or I’d love to have that car. It’s been an adjustment, but I think I’m also at peace for the first time in my life, I’m happy for the first time. I had my children so young and I got married so young, that for the first time in my life, it’s just for me.
The Divorce Coach Says
First of all, I’d like to thank Megan for being honest in admitting that she stayed in her marriage for the financial stability it provided. Money and marriage is a complex issue laden with emotions. I for one, certainly did not discuss it in any depth with my husband before we got married and naively thought we’d just figure it out as we went. Ha! Ha!
Financial stability was also something my mother impressed on me although she stressed the importance of my getting an education so I would be able to always support myself. Even though the message was a little different from Megan’s, it’s still nonetheless “an expectation.” I say that because I think it is important for us to recognize that some of our values and beliefs come from early upbringing and maybe so ingrained that we don’t even see it as being conditioned or know where it comes from.
While Megan may have been fortunate to have enjoyed a financially secure upbringing and a financially comfortable marriage, she now faces the reality that some of those expectations may be unreasonable for her as single-mother to sustain. Ending her marriage, I think was her first step in breaking loose of some of the expectations she’s internalized. Hopefully with a bit more time she’ll come to appreciate that her happiness is more important than material possessions or even that life can be richer with less money. She’s started on that journey with down-sizing to her condo.
Her savings are running out though and she’s facing the tough challenge of figuring out if she can continue as a stay-at-home mom. In the next post, Megan talks about how the cost of daycare limits her choices of job and even questions whether working makes sense.
P.S. The last time I let my daughter come to the grocery store with me I spent $50 more than I usually do! And I do tell them I can’t afford to take them grocery shopping with me!