My next and last guest post this week comes from Jolene who blogs at To Be Determined. When Jolene and her husband separated she was scared of living alone and then came to relish being alone. In this post, Jolene talks about how her view of divorce has changed. Here’s Jolene:
I used to think divorce meant failure…as though there’s a huge stamp on my forehead saying “failure,” or that it would be written all over my face, my body language, my actions. And sure, it probably was, for all intents and purposes, during the first few months of my separation (November-ish 2008), but now, about a year-and-a-half later, I view divorce differently, and am much more sensitive to the way divorce is defined and perceived, because I’ve been through it, I’ve seen friends and family go through it, and at the end of the day, divorce doesn’t mean failure…to me, divorce, in many ways, means courage.
I think ending your marriage can be such a courageous act because so many people in marriages that are irretrievably broken, either by unfaithfulness, abuse, or even “falling out of love,” stay in their marriages because they think it’s the “right” thing to do, or the only option (which is no option, really). I’m not suggesting that anyone not work on their marriage and just dive right into divorce if it’s not working, but if it is past the point of no return (especially if there is abuse or unfaithfulness involved), then eventually, neither husband nor wife will ever be happy, and truly, what is the point of living life unhappy just because of a “label” such as marriage?
While divorce is often seen as the “easy way out,” I actually think it’s probably the hardest decision to actually make. Putting myself in my ex’s shoes, I don’t think I would have had the courage to do it (in hindsight, I think his decision was rash, and he has openly agreed, but I firmly believe we are better off the way we are now – good friends).
Especially when after the divorce, both are happier people afterwards, to me, that means it was the right thing to do.
In my case? I am a completely different person than I was then. While it was less than two years ago, it feels like it was another life, another me, in a way, because from my perspective, I’m just a different person. I’m grateful for where I am today, and though it’s taken a lot of work, tears, sadness, pain and fear, I’ve come out the other side the “me” I never knew I was capable of.
And, as I head off towards Bloggers In Sin City, to meet a bevy of “blog friends” that I’ve made along my own blog journey (some new, some old), I’m excited at where my life is at this very moment, and I wouldn’t change it for the world. Divorce, in my case, has been a very good thing.
The Divorce Coach Says
I agree with Jolene that it takes courage to choose to end your marriage, especially if it’s not what your spouse wants at the time. And based on my own experience, it is definitely not easy. I can’t say that staying would have been easier because for me, that simply wasn’t an option.
Ending your marriage has a way of opening you up to new opportunities. Case in point, Jolene just recently qualified as a kick-boxing instructor – I don’t think she’d done kick-boxing before her divorce and now she is not only doing it for exercise but now certified to teach other people. Who knows if that’s something she would have done if she and her husband had stayed together.
Another blogger I’ve interviewed is T from Quest for T and she has another interesting perspective on why divorce is not a failure.