We’re deep into the Holiday season and yes, the socializing is fun but truthfully, some of these social occasions, especially family ones, can be demanding and anxiety-inducing. You might be looking for tips to manage the family stress during the Holidays.
This is particularly true if you’re experiencing divorce …
If you and your spouse have decided to end your marriage but are waiting until the New Year to go public, then now is all about keeping up appearances, playing along, or “grin and bear it.” Definitely not an easy game to play or particularly enjoyable.
If you’re newly separated or divorced and you’re still adjusting to two households and shared parenting time, then figuring out the logistics, building new traditions and juggling the competing demands means the Holidays are just not what they used to be.
It can still be stressful for those who’ve been divorced awhile. If your kids have aged out of their parenting plan, then you may be negotiating not just with your ex about Holiday celebrations but also your kids who will become increasingly vocal about their own wishes.
My kids, aged 19 and 21 are now both home from college on Winter break. Historically they’ve spent Christmas Eve with one parent and then Christmas Day with the other. Of late they’ve made it very clear that they do not want to have to eat big celebratory dinners at both our houses. I understand that but selfishly, if I don’t get to do a Christmas dinner then I feel cheated out of a tradition and I’m sure my ex feels the same way. So this year, the kids have decided that they would still divide their time with us but we’ve decided to have one Christmas dinner on Christmas Day altogether.
This will be a first for us. I’m not too worried about this as we’ve been having to attend more events together since the kids graduated high school and we have less control and input over the events. Those events have all gone well without any incidents but I do want to do what I can to avoid any disagreements that might make it less enjoyable for any of us.
Dr. Gary Hill, licensed clinical psychologist says, “Family relationships are often complicated, but with a bit of pre-planning, the holidays don’t need to be a disaster.” Here are some of his tips for a more peaceful holiday gathering.
Be Realistic
It’s important to remember that nothing is perfect. The reality is that people do tend to get on each other’s nerves, and family members, especially, know exactly how to push each other’s buttons. Be prepared for what might take place and realize that you don’t need to respond as you may have responded in the past.
Anticipate Conflicts
If you know that mom is going to ask questions about grandchildren, plan your response in advance and try to be as calm as possible. By doing so, you can avoid a knee-jerk reaction that can escalate tension.
Take a Stand
The holidays can make people feel out of control. They feel at the mercy of their relatives and sometimes feel steamrolled into doing things they may not want to do simply because it’s a “family tradition.” It’s important to remember that you have a say and can speak up. Going with the flow is fine, but not if it makes you feel uncomfortable. You have a choice.
Change Your Outlook
Instead of dreading the family gathering and assuming the worst, consider challenging your assumptions. What would happen if you enjoyed the holidays differently this year and broke some of the family traditions that created stress and anxiety. Don’t do things just because that’s how they’ve always been done. Maybe it’s time to do something different.
Don’t Expect Miracles
If your holiday anxiety is due to a history of family conflict, don’t expect that everything will suddenly be resolved. Yes, the holidays are a time for forgiveness and good will, but it’s important to have realistic expectations of what will be. Dr. Hill’s advice? It’s much better to focus on your own state of mind during the holidays and consider confronting difficult issues at a different time of the year.
I’ll add my own – set clear expectations for others. For me that means letting my ex know what time to arrive before dinner, confirming with him what to bring and when he’ll leave. I may be inviting some other people so I’ll need to let him know in advance who else is coming and let my other guests know that he’ll be here so they won’t be surprised. We may also play some games after dinner so I’m going to ask the kids to choose what they’d like to play.
What family events do you find most stressful? Do you have any tips for managing that stress?
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