As with life’s other major events, you won’t come through divorce the same person you were before the end of your marriage. Like it or not divorce will change you.
Wrapping up this series with Lisa Thomson, Lisa reflects on the impacts divorce has had on her. For her, the changes are for the better. Here’s Lisa:
I am a different person now, because I have been through a lot. I’ve been tested. Basically, my strength has been tested and I have come out the other side with more strength.
It’s just like working out. If you do weights, the more you do the stronger you get. And it’s the same thing in this situation. The more challenges you face, the more adversity that you’re facing in your divorce, if you stand up for yourself, you will become stronger. It’s just like doing those repetitions. You will get stronger. For me anyway, the key was, because my ex-husband has a very strong personality, to not let him walk all over me. I had to become stronger to handle him, basically.
It’s not a conscious thing. I did have to consciously tell myself, “You have to be strong,” but I didn’t consciously expect to even come close to what I went through. I think it was just the tenacity, being tenacious about it and being proactive in the process. So, proactive with the lawyers, not letting anyone walk on me. Even him, my father, lawyers. I had to be strong for all of these different situations and I think that that built that strength in me and made me realize that I could handle more than I ever thought I could.
What comes with too is some confidence. Just being a little more confident in my decisions, being confident in listening to my gut instinct, not questioning it the way I used to.
I think that’s such an important message for women, because and I tend to come back to that a lot in my blog, because I really do think that we’ve been taught to not listen to ourselves. It’s like that self-doubt, it’s like self-blame. If someone’s been blaming you for things, you stop believing in yourself basically and that’s where I was at in my marriage. I had given up on myself, basically and didn’t believe that I had it in me and had lost my inner voice.
I think the confidence and the strength gave me that permission to say, “You know what? You have to start listening to your instincts, start listening to yourself. Don’t listen to other people, don’t let him tell you what to do, you decide for yourself.” This has all been a process. It didn’t happen overnight, that’s for sure.
It’s been almost nine years so I’ve had all this time to rebuild and I did certainly get tested. But lastly, I think I’m just a much happier person. I’m just so much happier that I am way less likely to judge other people, I’m more compassionate and I’m more compassionate with myself too. That’s where that happiness is coming from inside now and not trying to find it in other people or other things. I think that’s made a big difference for me.
My kids have been my inspiration for everything, because even though our relationship went through some really tough moments, I just couldn’t give up on them. I think one of the biggest things I learned during my divorce is that fear is the opposite of love. Not hate, but fear. If I found myself getting afraid of, let’s say, losing them because their dad was just being so possessive, that’s where I would start to feel the fear or fear of financial insecurity. Then, it was a real conscious decision of, “Don’t be afraid, don’t let yourself be afraid.”
Don’t act on your fears because usually those are bad decisions. I know my ex-husband was coming from a place of fear and all of his fear was attacking me and so what I needed to do was just focus in on love, how much I loved my kids. That was my way of being able to try to stay strong. That really was my inspiration.
I’ve also got a really good partner now. He’s just been an amazing rock for the last five years. The beauty of it is that he does accept me just exactly the way I am. There’s no more walking on eggshells, there’s no more expected behaviors, there’s no control. It’s just a very natural loving relationship and that has contributed to my happiness to this day right now. I’m very fortunate.
I don’t like to really discuss my partner at all on my blog. That’s not really a part of my mantra because that’s the thing that is not a guarantee. You don’t necessarily find that and it takes a lot of time to find it. To me, that’s separate from the divorce, but it isn’t separate from my happiness.
When you don’t have the confidence and you don’t feel that great about yourself, it’s really hard to find the right person. Once you do start to feel like that, you attract someone that’s like that themselves and they have that confidence too and they’re not coming from a place of insecurity.
The Divorce Coach Says
For the initiator, the change probably starts happening some time before the actual divorce. Initiating the end of the marriage is part of the evolution. That’s certainly true for me although I didn’t see it at the time. With hindsight I can see now that taking the severance from my corporate job was part of the same internal change that lead me to initiating the end of my marriage a couple of years later.
For the non-initiator, the divorce itself is likely to be a catalyst.
Divorce doesn’t make everyone stronger, more confident, happier. I’m sure you’ve met someone who is radiating negativity about how they were wronged in their divorce.
I think what makes the difference is accepting responsibility for your role in the end of your relationship, wanting to change that going forward and refusing to be a victim. And Lisa touches on all of this.
- It’s about seeing that you do have at least some control over what is happening in your life
- It’s about being proactive in redesigning your life after divorce
- It’s about wanting to be content – wanting to be happy isn’t frivolous or selfish, and
- It’s about knowing who you truly are, liking who you are
All of these will give you the confidence to forge ahead and it has a compound effect. The more you stick up for yourself, the more comfortable you will be making your needs a priority.
BTW … if you’re feeling lost, don’t know who you are, don’t know what makes you laugh download my free report 14 Ways To Get To Know Yourself. It’ll help get you started on your journey.
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