Kristen’s message for today’s post I think is the ultimate lesson from her uncle’s mantra for living:
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I guess I would say to people who are thinking about staying in a marriage because you have children, it’s the wrong thing to do. Ultimately you’ll look back on your life when your kids are grown up and you’ll say ‘why didn’t I put myself first, too?’
Kids don’t want to grow up in a house where there isn’t love. There’s love to them but there’s not love between the two parents and they sense it. Just because you’re not living under the same roof doesn’t mean you can’t be a good parent and you can’t be a loving parent and it can’t work out.
I think if people are thinking of staying in something for the sakes of their children, they ought to rethink it because life is really, really short and you’re only here for a certain number of years. Who wants to look back when they’re 65 or 70 and say, ‘Jeez, I wasted 40 years of my life with you. What was I thinking?’
Divorce is NOT easy; It’s extremely turbulent, it’s filled with paperwork, it’s overwhelming and it’s very emotional. However, people look back and say, ‘This is the BEST decision I ever made in my life.’ They’re genuinely happy and ultimately, the kids will be happy.
I think it’s all about finding happiness and true, true love that hits you deep down inside. Love is out there and you can find it.
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When I was contemplating divorce I did consider what it would be like staying in the marriage until our children were in college. That would have meant about another seven or eight years. I mentioned what I was thinking to a friend and she said that was what her parents did. When they eventually told her they were getting divorced and that they had stayed together because of her and her brother, she felt they had been lying to her all those years, pretending that their life was something it was not. Her advice was quite resoundingly ‘don’t do that to your children.’
I’m reminded too of the story that Evvy told – she ended her marriage after 42 years. Even though her children were adult and had long ago moved away, telling them the marriage was over was still the hardest part of the divorce.
If your parents divorced after you left home, how did that feel to you? Did you and your spouse decide to stay together for the children? Why? How’s that working?