Continuing in this series about Kathleen Christensen’s divorce, she talked previously about the collaborative divorce she and her ex negotiated. Looking back she says that process had a benefit that she didn’t recognize at the time. Here’s what she told me.
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We were really building the relationship for the future. We were building a healthy relationship and a foundation. I think a lot of people are able to go into divorce and come to an agreement fairly easily. We didn’t go in that way at all. At the same time, I’ve come to see the traditional system as enabling unhealthy behaviors, like trying to hide assets or just looking out for yourself. With a collaborative divorce while you could still theoretically hide assets, you go in agreeing you’re going to be honest with each other.
It felt safe to be honest about everything because of the framework that was around us and because we weren’t being enabled by a ‘you deserve this, get what you can’ approach. My lawyer did go over what would happen in a typical court case, what were the rights and what were the formulas but there wasn’t any just get as much time with your daughter as you can and just get all the money you can.
I was talking about the collaborative divorce process with a friend and I was painting this glowing picture. She said, ‘Yeah but it was really hard at first wasn’t it? And she’s right. It wasn’t wonderful at first. It was really kind of awful to be trying to work this stuff out together when we were not making decisions together at all. We had to work really hard at it but it changed our thinking and since we made all the decisions we’re more invested in the decisions. It takes away the self-interest.
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I love Kathleen’s perspective – I had not thought of divorce negotiations as the foundation for your future relationship with your ex. When I was going through my divorce I always felt the process was bringing out the worse in both my ex and I. Even though I was trying to approach the settlement from what’s best for the children perspective, I found it didn’t help much when I was figuring out how I would finish college and start a new career. In future, when asked about the divorce process I’m going caution … you’re not just negotiating your divorce settlement, you are negotiating your future relationship with your ex.
Was there something you did during your divorce that helped you build the foundation for your relationship with your ex? If you’re facing divorce now, have you considered a collaborative divorce? Leave a comment and you’ll be entered in the drawing for the Prince Harming Syndrome book giveaway.
Curious to know more about Kathleen? Visit her Head in the Clouds blog where she writes about life with ADD. She’s on Twitter too – @kathwriter.