One of the reasons someone might cover up for their spouse is thinking that they are somehow responsible for their spouse’s behavior and the choices they’ve made. You are not responsible however, and once you can accept that, great healing is possible:
I was afraid of people finding out what he did and that reflecting badly on me. I didn’t tell a lot of people. I did a lot of therapy and after a while I just realized that I was not going to keep his secrets. That was very freeing. This isn’t a reflection on me. ~ Debbie
The secret that Debbie was keeping was that her husband was a pedophile. That Debbie was able to share her story is a testament to her healing.
I think there are several reasons it’s so hard to be open about what your spouse has done. First, getting married means no longer being two separate individuals but rather a couple who look out for each other and not keeping each other’s secrets is breaking that bond. It’s strange that even in divorce we can still feel bound. There’s an embarrassment factor especially when the behavior falls outside socially-acceptable norms. There’s also a fear that it shows poor judgment on your part and quite possibly an element of anger or regret on your part, “How could I have not known or seen it?”
Another observation I have to share: I choose these quotes at random from the large collection I have and schedule them usually going out three months at a time. When I opened this one to edit it, I was surprised, even shocked by relevance of this to Suzy’s story. It’s eerie.
What secrets are you keeping? Why are you keeping them? What would it take for you to let them go?